killah820’s BodyBlog

I’m doing something wrong… If i knew what it was then I’d fix it and be happy.  and maybe I’m shallow for thinking that I’ll be happy based on what I look like but its been a constant struggle my entire life and I just want to finally have the things I’m working so hard for.  Maybe I’m not working hard enough for them.  Something’s wrong, something is off, something is just not right.  I walk everywhere, I am at the gym either lifting, swimming or doing both at least 5 times a week, I eat sweets every once in a while but I’ve cut out breads, pasta’s, and all things to drink except tea (which is hot water) milk (occassionally after a work out) and water… I feel like a complete failure… maybe this isnt the place to write this but to be hoenst, I dont know where else to go… I just dont feel like myself.  For a while I held onto the belief that things were going to change… well they havent been!  I’ve been working my ass off for almost 8 weeks now, that’s 2 MTHS!!  and nothing, if anything I think I’ve gained more weight.   and please dont say "well you probably gained muscle and the fat will melt off"… last time it wasnt this hard.  I swim! for 35-55 mins each time! Swimming helped me lose fat last year… whats wrong now then?  Why is nothing nothing nothing working?  Why can’t i stop craving food?  Why can’t I stop thinking about food?  Why am I wanting to eat all the time?  Why is this just a constant struggle with myself?

I’m just so tired of it… I’m tired of struggling with myself… its getting to be just way too hard and i’m just not happy and I haven’t been….