killah820’s BodyBlog

thanks guys to all those who replied to my last blog….  let me clarify a bit so people don’t think I’m depressed or anything

I’ve gotten really frustrated with the way things have been going for me lately.  There are certain things that I really really want right now and no matter how hard I try I feel like nothing’s changing which gets frustrating after a while.

I know that I shouldn’t stop eating, and I won’t stop eating, I love food too much and I feel that’s the problem because I just want to keep eating whether I’m hungry or not and I’m not sure how to change that.  I just want to cut out all the bad stuff in my diet and not eat that much after like 8pm but for some reason i ended up giving in every single time, or if I dont give in then two days later I binge.

Next thing is that I know I’ll add the muscle back on before I end up cutting down the fat and I’m completely fine with that because I’m not checking the scale, I’m checking how the clothes fit and they dont.  That’s the frustrating part because I’m putting in the effort, I’m killing my body every time I go to the gym, pushing it as much as possible, although I am still taking days off to let me body regenerate but it just doesn’t seem to work as well as it did last time.  Its frustrating because last year I was a lot less active and managed to lose the weight and this year I’m constantly on the go and constantly busy and managing to go to the gym and still not seeing many results.  I guess all in all i’m frustrated!  Putting on jeans that about two months ago fit and now dont is just sad for me.  I’ve always had an issue with my weight since I was young and I don’t want to be a little skinny girl with a size 0 or something like that but I would like to feel good and feel like i look good.   Its intimidating with all these women on here that have these great bodies.  I’m no where near that and I dont want to be ripped to shreds but it would be nice for once to wake up with a flat stomach and have that flat stomach all day long.

I just want to be in shape again.  I look at my profile picture and look at pictures now and its a completely different person.  I reverted back to the old me even tho I’ve changed mentally.  I just want the physical me to reflect the mental me as well.  I’m getting ready to go into the professional world since I’m graduating and its hard because I know a lot of people are biased meaning if a fatter person and a skinnier person applied for the same job, most of the time the skinnier person will get the job because of their looks even tho the fatter person may be better qualified.  Hard to believe and I know some may argue with that but I know its true.  I’ve seen it happen, not necessarily to me but to friends.  I just want to have that will power and even tho each week I tell myself this week is going to be the week i change everything and I constantly get fed up each week, I cant seem to change myself.  Any suggestions?

I know, take things one day at a time but its also hard when all your friends and people around you are eating whatever they want and you have to refuse… or you have a piece of chocolate just staring you in the face or you cant stand the idea of eating cottage cheese again for the 10th time in a row.  argh… any advice??

i hate myself right now and the way i look and what I’ve become and I’m trying to change it but I can’t seem to no matter what I do.  Change is supposed to happen when you really want it right?  well I do want it, so why is it not happening?  Why am i still putting carbs and sweets into my mouth when I hate the fact that none of my pants fit anymore… Why can’t I accept the person I was becoming in april and am reverting back to the old me?  Why is this sounding like a psychology session?  I need to lose weight… I’m trying to eat clean, as clean as possible at least and Ive been doing a pretty good job of it so far for the past 10 days or so… and I know its all about time, I get that but I dont have time… I have 3.5 weeks to go back to the way I was and short of not eating anything and only working out, I dont know what else to do.  I lift three times a week, swim about 5 times a week, am eating pretty clean (sweets have almost been completely eliminated, this week they should be gone completely) and I’m still not losing the weight and my legs still look like tree trunks (and the picture that’s up on my profile is form last summer, not this past summer but from 2006 when I actually looked good, now I just look hideous) and I’m constantly self conscious and self aware and self loathing but for some reason that wont make me stop eating…. why can’t i just stop eating?  why don’t I have any will power or self control!?

very frustrated right now!