Torque

Josh Morgan once sold eBay to eBay, on eBay.

Josh Morgan can eat a rubix cube and **** it solved.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Josh Morgan punched himself in the face.

If at first you don’t succeed, you must not be Josh Morgan.

There is no "I" in team. There is exactly 1 “me” in Joshua Shane Morgan. **** you, team.

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Josh Morgan and forgot to pay him back.

When Josh Morgan goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a bazooka and a bucket. Yeah bitch, because when Josh gets smashed by bazooka fire, it only opens up a slight gash on him. Do not **** with Josh Morgan.

Crop circles are Josh Morgan’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

Whenever Josh Morgan plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he’s not some pussy who can’t climb up a plastic slide.

When Josh Morgan deletes files from his computer, he doesn’t send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

On his birthday, Josh Morgan randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. Apparently his birthday has some mysterious hidden meaning. Due in large part to the fact that the number 10 is the king of all numbers, and Josh was born on 10-10.

Josh Morgan is the only one who can "try this at home."

Josh Morgan’s daily schedule goes roughly as follows:
-Rollerblade backwards to the top of Mt. Everest curling 90 lb. dumbbells.
- Do something badass
- Wake Up
- Eat something badass
- Nap
- Sign a multi-year deal with at least three professional sports franchises

-Say cool one liner to celebrate new contracts
- Conceptualize new echelons of greatness
- Sleep in pit of snakes

Josh Morgan coined the phrase "Pardon my French" after picking up a French man and using him like a bat to club people.

Josh Morgan had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere Josh Morgan went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

Josh Morgan’s family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can’t see what’s in them.

Josh Morgan ’s blood type is JM-1010

All of Josh Morgan’s genes are dominant.

Josh Morgan played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded rifle and won.

Onions do not make Josh Morgan cry. Josh Morgan makes onions grow anuses and **** themselves.

Josh Morgan was scheduled to be Stalone’s stunt double in Rambo, but he was replaced after refusing to wear a parachute when jumping from the plane. Also, because noone would believe Rambo could look that badass.

Josh Morgan takes the phrase "Breakfast of Champions" so literally, that he once ate Tiger Woods, Wayne Gretzky, and Shaquille O’Neal in one meal.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach Josh Morgan to fish and he will rid the ocean of all perceivable life forms.

Josh Morgan survived abortion.

As Josh Morgan approaches death, death runs like a little bitch.

Death once had a near-Josh experience.

A few people can lift Thor’s hammer, but Josh Morgan is the only one who can beat Thor’s ass with it.

You are what you eat. This is why Josh Morgan ’s diet consists entirely of uranium, diamonds, and the bibles of other inhabited worlds.

Getting murdered by Josh Morgan counts as a natural cause of death.

The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Josh Morgan was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a cheese grater.

If Josh Morgan fell in the forest, and no one was watching, it would sound like Beethoven’s Ninth. If he fell in the forest, and someone was watching, he would beat that guy to a bloody pulp. But the screams of agony would still sound like Beethoven’s Ninth, but better.

Contrary to popular belief, Trix are also for Josh Morgan.

Josh Morgan is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

The first Magic the Gathering card deck came to be when a small lad found Josh Morgan’s misplaced photo album, "Things I Slaughtered in the Middle Ages”

There is intelligent life in the universe, but they have not contacted Earth because they are avoiding Josh Morgan. They owe him $5.

Josh Morgan is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%. 10 is Josh Morgan’s magic number.

Josh Morgan went in for Lasik eye surgery. When the laser hit his eye, it bounced back and changed the world to the way Josh Morgan sees things.

When the girl from “The Ring” climbed out of Josh’s TV, he stood up, cleared his throat, stretched calmly, and booted her straight back in.

Josh Morgan invented the Swiss Army Knife then founded Switzerland so that there would be an army to use it.

Josh Morgan once broke out of Alcatraz, but then he had to break back in because he wanted to make sure he remembered what the place looked like.

The gaping hole in the Periodic Table of Elements once contained all of the elements used to create Josh Morgan. The government omitted these elements in future publications of the Table out of fear that rival nations could make their own Josh Morgan.

Josh Morgan’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Josh Morgan

Josh Morgan once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves. He didn’t even know he was playing.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Josh Morgan can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Josh Morgan can piss his name into marble.

Josh Morgan owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1989 World Series of Poker at the age of 2 despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno. Toddler Josh was almost immedietely incarcerated however. Upon receiving his cash prize, he deemed it insufficient and so beheaded everyone within a 10 ft. radius by crying hypersonic beams of blood.

If you spell Josh Morgan wrong on Google it doesn’t say, "Did you mean Josh Morgan?" It simply replies, "Run mother****er"

Giraffes were created when Josh Morgan uppercutted a horse.

If you play Led Zeppelin’s "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Josh Morgan cursing the aliens who owe him $5.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Josh Morgan says its beef, then it’s a ****ing rodeo.

Josh Morgan can kill two stones with one bird.

Josh Morgan dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Josh Morgan will not take **** from anyone.

The best part of waking up is not Folger’s in your cup; it’s damn well knowing that Josh Morgan didn’t kill you in your sleep.

Josh Morgan has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear sleeves.

Josh Morgan is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Ghosts are actually caused by Josh Morgan killing people faster than Death can process them.

Josh Morgan is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Jeep.

Josh Morgan can build a snowman out of rain.

Mr. T once defeated Josh Morgan in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Josh Morgan invented racism.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Josh Morgan can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Josh Morgan was once charged with three attempted murders in Lawrence County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Josh Morgan does not "attempt" murder.

Josh Morgan once punched a man in the soul.

When Josh Morgan looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Josh Morgan and Josh Morgan.

When Josh Morgan enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Josh Morgan can throw Brett Favre even further.

Josh Morgan can drown water.

Josh Morgan can burn fire to a crisp.

Josh Morgan can create a rock so heavy that even he can’t lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Josh Morgan is.

Josh Morgan can make a paraplegic run for his life.

Josh Morgan once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn’t even in a bowling alley.

Josh Morgan can tie his shoes with his feet.

Josh Morgan uses lava as sun tan oil.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Josh Morgan and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The chief export of Josh Morgan is Armageddon.

The only time Josh Morgan was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

The last digit of “pi” is Josh Morgan.

Josh Morgan is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Josh Morgan used to beat the **** out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 50 feet behind him.

Josh Morgan cannot predict the future; the future just better ****ing do what Josh Morgan says.

Josh Morgan can eat sunshine and **** it out faster than the speed of light.

This entry was posted on Saturday, June 16th, 2007 at 3:15 pm and is filed under Josh Morgan. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.