jessica_rabbit’s BodyBlog

I was folding laundry  the other day and putting it away when i decided it was a good idea to rip apart my entire closet to reorganize.  (bad idea, by the way - it took the whole day to finish) I pulled off from the top shelf one of those plastic organizing file bins and found some goodies.  A coloring book - YAY! My Golds Gym cardio waist slimmer, and ironically some old photos of me when I first moved to Florida. I am in my swimming suit on the beach.  My jaw dropped to the floor.  I couldn’t believe that I carried so much fat around my stomach and thighs without physically realizing it.  I thought I was about average in size, and I never thought about my weight or what other people would or could perceive me as. I suddenly realized that for my almost entirely my whole life I had lived inside my head.
then, my mind drifted to other thoughts about how I could have weighed that much without acknowledging it.  First, I guess I believed I had an amazing super powered metabolism - I thought that because I played sports in high school and college I could eat whatever I wanted (even two years after I stopped playing) My family valued a disconnection with the body - although I was hugged often I was never taught nutrition or health.  We never discussed puberty or sex, and my dad feared that I would get knocked up in high school so practically every day they would tell me sex was a sin, and God would punish me.  My curfew was also 10 pm, so really there was no trouble I could ever get into.  I tried out for sports because I just wanted to get out of the house and spend time with my friends.  I was always good in sports, but I was never great - at anything.  EXCEPT FOR EATING!

I would store an entire case of Mountain Dew in my locker (12 pack) and drink it warm over the course of the day. My fuel up food for soccer was a Snickers and a soda. Would have been okay I suppose had I  played a running position.  I was goalie.  I picked dandelions during practice. I ate whole pizzas and entire boxes of cereal (I can still do that ) I would eat two double cheeseburgers a day.   My mom rarely cooked, so I would save my lunch money at school and grab taco bell or burger king after practice.

By the time college rolled around I was eating fried cheese nuggets every day.   I balanced it out though with an ice berg lettuce salad topped with french dressing. Diet of champions…

Four years ago, I needed a change in my life.  I was so unhappy with myself.  I found myself in abusive relationships and I just couldn’t take it.  I packed everything I could in my 1993 Topaz with no air conditioning and headed to Florida with 200 dollars in my pocket. I stopped at Wendy’s in Kentucky, Arby’s in Tennesse - I also used their parking lot to crash over night, and by the time I reached Florida I had eight dollars to my name.  Do you know what I bought?  Two pints of blue bell ice cream from a Gate gas station.  Strawberries and cream and Peaches and cream.  I ate them both.

my eyes still gaze on the photo, my mind comes back to reality.  i’m piecing all of these memories together, shocked at how far I’ve come but even more shocked at the idea that I never realized I had a problem in the first place.  I weighed 145 on a 5′4" frame  when I moved to Florida - i’m not as focused on the actual weight as I am the amount of BODY FAT I must have had.  I fell victim to emotional binge eating early in life, and even today it lurks around the corner.

If any body reads this blog and can relate, I plead for you to do something.  Dig down deep inside, and remember that you are a amazing creation.  Reconnect with your body, pinch yourself if you have to. don’t listen to that voice inside your head all the time.  You are valuable and important, and deserve THE BEST LIFE POSSIBLE!  never forgot the priceless value of your worth….I pray everyday for my own strength (it is a daily battle, but a war that can be won) but also for everyone else that shares the same infliction.  Set aside the guilt, low self esteem, pain, whatever - and reclaim your health today!