jbohobo’s BodyBlog

I never thought I’d say this but I’m kinda intimidated at the gym! I just started a new Gold’s membership and I find myself shying away. This is not me!

Gonna try out my nearest Gold’s gym. Anyone have thoughts on the chain itself?

Wow- my body has been all over the place. My routine, my eating habits, my self-image. It’s pretty crazy. One day, back at age 14, I learned to hate my body. An inheritance, a rite of passage, I don’t know, it just came with the age. Well, not too long after that I gained my first ounce of muscle through lifting 4 and 5 lb weights. I’ll never forget the day - I was truly amazed. But since then, I’ve done and have been and have experienced so many different things. Compulsive overeating, undereating, overexercising. I learned about the true art of eating clean back in the summer of ‘07. I knew life would be different for me; I had discovered a precious gem. But it wasn’t that easy. I’ve been tested many times since. I’m still afloat and alive and kickin but not where I want to be. I just can’t believe it’s still a battle. It’s still a battle and I don’t ‘diet’ like other women. I don’t engage in self-criticism when chatting with other women. I don’t even hate my body like I used to. And yet it’s something I need so crucially. I need to feel strong and relatively happy with my body or I truly feel like nothing. I feel inept and just deeply deeply unhappy.

I’m currently infatuated with bb.com because my real life world (even in my gym) seems to be filled with (however, wonderful) clueless people. Not that I have all the answers, but I see women in my gym still overdoing cardio, not going heavy enough, lifting same muscle group back to back. BB.com has a constant influx of amazing people, bodies, and minds! But every day, I see my friends eat whateverrrrrrr they want and complain about their bodies. Or I see people deprive themselves, starve, still scared of muscle. I’ve been known to complain, too, but see when you’re doing things right, even if you’re not wholly happy, you still feel no compulsion to complain. Things just fall into place.

So I’m currently eating as many fruits and vegetables as I can and enough protein. Other than that, I’m not too concerned with diet. This is because I’m simultaneously trying to "get back in shape," get some muscle tone, strength, and endurance back, change my body composition, lose the fat I have in places that I never had before! (which is killin’ me), get my left quad back as strong as my right, get back in cardio-mode and get back to the high intensity classes that I’ve abandoned for a while. So I’m trying to be very forgiving with myself and not sabatoge myself with too many changes and because I can’t help but compare myself to "this time last year…" or "I used to be able to do this!" and all that negative self-talk. I’m focusing on the changes that come each and every workout, because they really do! I’d like to fit into my old jeans by March and I want to be in superb shape by May because I’m going to Europe for a month. This is all while resisting the urge to eat those damn Cadbury eggs.

Even when I feel bad about my body, am carrying extra weight or when I have that feeling that arises from seeing great physiques, "Will I ever get there; Can I?" Even then I no longer feel a need to justify, or use self-depricating language or negative self-talk, about me or my body. I’ve fully acquired one of the best things we get from lifting: confidence in the body I have now, even knowing it’s not perfect! For the longest time I was super self-conscious of my arms. I felt they were too big: too much fat and muscle combined. And now I’m proud to have them as mine. I’ve noticed this change over the past year. It’s been pretty consistent so it’s pretty solid as a true change. And it’s not conditional! It’s not "Oh, when I’m five lbs. lighter will I feel good" etc. The condition is me: so long as its mine!

So… I haven’t really pushed hard or heavy in a while. For the longest time, I would strive for the last best workout’s intensity, always trying to match it because my brain received it and stored it in memory as amazing. But why match it when you can go heavier? Man, I forgot why bodybuilding is a journey, it’s definitely not meant for staying where you are, even if you like where you are! (I don’t but even more reason to go harder!)

MY HOROSCOPE (PISCES) TODAY: You’ve been making some really smart decisions for your future lately. Don’t stop now. Stick with your new habits.

damn straight! haha