obf 5
9 weeks out.
Wow. 63 days. Not a lot of time AT ALL! It’s quite nerve wracking actually. I’m trying not to let it get to me, because with stress comes cortisol, and we all know how counterproductive that is; especially during contest prep.
The diet has been going well so far. But I’m encountering some resistance from my body…allow me to elaborate: During my last prep, I had this ‘phenomenon’ whereby I would get up in the middle of the night, go to the kitchen, have a small snack, and then go back to bed. When I’d wake up in the morning, some days I would find an empty jar of peanut butter, an empty box of cereal or even the container that ONCE held chicken for tomorrow’s meals. The scary part was, I couldn’t remember doing ANY of it. I always thought I slept through the night; until I started finding traces of these “night eats” the following morning. It was EXTREMELY off-putting and frustrating, because my diet would be spot on during the day, but then I’d lose my progress by sleep-walking at night. No one could diagnose the issue. I went to a BioSignature modulation expert, who told me I was waking up in the middle of the night because my cortisol was high, and Growth Hormone output (which is secreted in your sleep) was low. She told me to take 10g of Glutaform (Scivation’s Glutamine) before bed. I did that, and the issue went away at about 4 weeks out. But it could have gone away because my body was just so depleted and run down at 4 weeks out that it NEEDED sleep, and overrode any decision to eat at midnight.
The reason I’m telling you guys this is because the “night eats” have come back. I know this whole thing sounds really silly, but I can’t even begin to tell you how frustrating it is for me. I dedicate 2 – 3 hours of my day weight training and cardio, and I METICULOUSLY weigh and measure every morsel that goes into my mouth during my waking hours. So you can imagine how angry and frustrated and UPSET I get over the fact that I can’t control what happens in my sleep. I’m debating trying to the Glutamine protocol again, because I WILL reach my goal by the end of this competition.
Oh! That reminds me, my goals have slightly changed. One of my best friends is a former NPC regional champ, as well as a model, motivation speaker and soon to be published author. We’ve been doing a lot of talking lately about my goals for the future. She’s been in and around the health/fitness industry long enough that I trust and value her opinion. We’ve decided that my goals for the Online Bodybuilding Federation challenge are now slightly different. I’m thinking about doing some fitness modeling, so I’m going to ease back a little on my diet between now and June 3rd. The goal for June is to come in looking like a fitness model (Lose roughly 15 more lbs in 9 weeks), and for JULY, I am going to take it to the next level, and look absolutely, make people do a double-take, ab veins up to your chest, chest veins down to your abs SHREDDED! This way, I can have two different “looks” taken for photoshoots, and then ‘the powers that be’ can determine which one is more suitable for the mainstream.
So the plan is to come in around 10%bf for June (abs, delts, back), and then 7-8% (abs, delts, back, chest, LEGS!!!) for July. I have 3 competitors that I am training for a July show (1 fitness competitor, 2 male bodybuilders), and I am going to book my shoot for July 10 (the day before the show). So…who knows? If I look good enough, I MAY throw my hat in the ring…I can’t afford to slack anymore. There are no more excuses for missed meals, extra calories, protein bars or slacking on cardio. We’ll see what happens…
Motivation
This is a great segue into “How to Stay Motivated”.
Last week, it hit me. Like a sledgehammer in the face. REALLY FRICKIN HARD. I ate too much that wasn’t part of the plan. It wasn’t like an all out food orgy (you might know these 5000 calorie binges). A couple nights ago, I had ~3000 cals (only about 1000 over my usual). What was different this time, was how I FELT while I was eating it….
I was talking about Phoenix Moments with you guys in the last installment, and was thinking that maybe I hadn’t had mine yet for the OBF. I just couldn’t find my step, you know? I follow the instructions, but can’t see the bigger picture.
A few days ago, I found my answer. I concluded that for the last 2 years, all my eating has been for my mom. I’ve always blamed her for my failures. We don’t exactly have the most solid relationship. In that past, I was happiest when I was in control of my food, and didn’t let her little nuances get to me. I needed to find that place inside where it’s just me, my discipline and my willpower, rather than my struggle to please her and not feel like I’m worrying her if I diet (I guess that happens when you have an ED for 8 years). See, that was my problem. I was outwardly driven/focused. I was too focused on pleasing HER, that I was neglecting my own feelings. That is to say, if she and I were having a good day, my food would be good. If we were fighting, I’d binge…I’d “get back at her” by destroying my body.
As much as I hate to say it, though it’s clear as crystal, the anorexia was TOTALLY inwardly driven. Clearly I wasn’t doing it for anyone else but myself. I wasn’t thinking about anyone else but myself. It was me and my willpower. I have found that spot again, but at a much healthier place. Trust me. I’d never go back their again.
See, as of last week, neither her, nor our relationship, nor how food is affected by emotions are the focus anymore. My ideal bodyfat, and being comfortable in my own skin vs. wondering what she’s thinking when she looks at me is what’s important. It’s hard to stay focused on your own goals and willpower when they come from within, but easier to do it for someone. However, the problem arises when that someone else screws up…which they WILL ALWAYS inevitably do. And I binge eat so that my mom and my friends won’t think I’m slipping into an ed again. But that screws me up big time. A part of competing is disordered eating (NOT to be confused with eating disorders). So I have to learn to live with that, and the questions/comments/concerns about myself. But from now on, it’s “Who gives a f***?! They’re not living in this body! I AM!!! So I’m going to do with it what I want!” I have found myself again…I have found my own competitive drive.
You all need to find your INNER motivation and drive in order to be successful. Because superficial outside sources are constantly changing and manipulating themselves. They’re unstable and unreliable. But you will always have YOURSELF to count on. Use THAT as your motivation to be the best you can be.
In the next installment of this OBF series, I will talk about how to stay motivated, why we shouldn’t use the term “Weight Loss”, and why social support (like the Forums on bodybuilding.com) could mean the difference between a first place finish and a last place finish. As always, feel free to check out my online journal for daily updates, nutrition, workouts, and information! Jaim91’s journal: http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=115155531
