Never Settle For Less

Just for fun a decided to take a look into my soul and describe myself.  I figured that the first 15 words that came to mind would be the ones I’d use.  The following is a list of adjectives that I’d use to describe myself and why.

1. Young - I’m 24
2. Creative - I’ve come up with 30 speeches, 78 blogs, and 10 workout programs in the past year.
3. Impatient - I like to get things done quick and in a hurry.
4. Motivated - I lost 50 lbs in about 6 months.  Rocky can’t touch me.
5. Strong - Bench 350, Squat 425, and I can pull off about 29 pullups
6. Unconventional - it would take 40 blogs to tell you how crazy I am.  I like to challenge all standing theories on life.  That’s good enough
7. Intelligent - I managed to pull out of the #1 engineering school in the south with a 3.01 GPA.  *Pats hand on the back*
8. Straightforward - tell it like it is all day every day (unless it’s going to hurt my own feelings )
9. Funny - or at least I think I am.  You ever laugh while reading this blog?
10. Headstrong - once I put my mind to something it’s as good as done
11. Curious - my book list is at least 20 books long
12. Charming - that’s what my grandma tells me
13. Dedicated - see # 4
14. Confident - I ain’t afraid of no ghost
15. Silly - I have to keep it fun.  That’s all I know

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When I was in high school I did some really stupid things.  At some point during those 4 years I

• Got caught with “unauthorized” females in the house
• Smoke black and milds
• Fought in a weight room full of metal plates and sharp objects (smooth move)
• Chased a school bus 1/4 mile down the street

While all of those things are silly or ridiculous in their own right none of them can come close to my biggest blunder.  At my school shoes and clothes were a status symbol.  If you had the most expensive or exclusive clothes you were seen as coherent and people assumed you could probably spell your name right.  Since I wanted to hold some kind of status I eventually became a sneaker freak.  I was all over just about every new pair of high priced sneakers that hit the market.

Every year the genius squad at Nike would pump out a new pair of must have sneakers (Air Jordans, Air Max, etc).  When I started buying shoes the price tag was only $140. The most expensive pair a bought was $200.  Even though I should have cared, price was no object for me.  I had a job flipping pizzas and nothing else to do with the money. So I did the next best thing…flush it down the toilet.

Things really got out of hand during my senior year.  Cue the almighty air max 95.

One of the executive sales and marketing geniuses at Nike decided to go through their catalog and re-release the all black Air-Max 95 shoe.  It was a pure stroke of genius.  It seemed like EVERYBODY under the age of 30 wanted those shoes.  As soon as they hit the shelf they were gone.  If you weren’t at the store when they were released you could forget about it.  Unfortunately for me my grandmother didn’t see the urgency so I couldn’t get a pair.

At first I didn’t think much of it. After all it was just a pair of shoes.  How big of a deal could it really be?  I found out when I came back to school.  All the cool kids were rocking a pair and I wasn’t. In my little mind that made it a big deal.Since I’m not the type to go down without a fight I launched an FBI style manhunt for the shoes.  I think the FBI has a 98% success rate.  Mine was 0.  Every store I went to was fresh out of size 12 all black Air-Max 95 sneakers.  I was becoming obsessed and depressed at the same time.  All over a pair of shoes.  They were the talk of the town and I was left out.

One day my luck changed.  I walked into Hibbett sports on the hunt.  I asked the salesperson for the size 12 all black Air-Max 95.  She went to the back of the store and returned with a box in her hand. A surge of happiness shot through my body as she approached.  As she got closer that happiness turned to bewilderment.

What’s this??  The size on the box said 14 not when I had requested a 12.  She explained to me that the only size they had was a 14.  Up until then I had been very level headed and rational about my hunt.  Things were about to change. This was the very first time that I’d had a pair within arms reach.

I slipped them on and “walked” around in them.  They were definitely too big. I had room for another adult in there but it really didn’t matter.  I had finally had my shoes within reach!  All rational thought was thrown out of the window as I began to daydream about my new shoes.

“Are you going to buy them?” the sale person broke through my daydream trying to make her sale.  “Ummm…sure I’ll take them.”  I was beaming with joy and pride as I walked to the sales counter.  That was the first and only time in my life that I paid $145 for something that obviously didn’t fit me.

The next day I woke up and prepared for school. My euphoria was broken up by a dose of reality.  I was too caught up in being cool to realize that the shoes were indeed 2 sizes too big.  When I walked tt sounded like my shoes were farting.  I had to fix this and fix it quick.  I took an entire roll of toilet tissue, separated it in half, stuffed it into my shoes, and hit the door for school.

About halfway through the day I noticed that the foot fart had returned.   I looked down to see toilet tissue coming out of my shoes.

GREAT!!  I hustled to the restroom to remove the tissue and create another plan of attack.  Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do accept suck it.  For the rest of the day my shoes flopped around like I had on flip flops.  Actually I did have on flip flops.  They were flip flops disguised as $140 sneakers that happened to be 2 sizes too big .

For a month or two I tried to find ways to make my shoes fit.  Every attempt to look cool only served to make me look silly.  I realized things had gotten out of hand when my cousin asked me when I stole Shaq’s shoes from. After two months of making myself look like a clown I packed the shoes up never to appear again.

Conclusion
I tell this story because its humorous and it packs a powerful point.  I realize today (and I probably did then) that buying $140 shoes that didn’t fit me wasn’t in my best interest.  At the time I was caught up in an emotional storm were fitting in was the only thing that mattered.  I felt so much pressure to fit in that I was willing to do something totally foolish with my time and my money to make it happen.  Ultimately all I did was make myself look like a complete, 100% _______________ (insert your favorite synonym for idiot).

If you’re not careful the same thing will happen to you as an adult. Society has the power to place a tremendous social strain on anyone not strong enough to resist.   I’ve seen some awesome people make some terrible decisions because they want to fit in with the crowd or be “successful”.

Look at the sub-prime mortgage crisis of 2007 and 2008.  Everyone (even the financially unfit) felt the need to buy a home to start building towards the highly subjective “American dream”.  See how great that turned out?  I could go on and on with examples but the picture is already crystal clear.

Analyze your life and start living with your best interest in mind.  Don’t go into the grave living the lift of a person being pushed around and pressured by society.  After all Peer Pressure is 4 da Kidz!

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Yesterday the history channel earned my everlasting support.  It takes a lot for me to pledge my support to a channel but after witnessing the single most hilarious program of my life I’m 100% sold.

Around 11 pm on February 13, 2008 my life was changed forever. I witnessed a program about cattle mutilation from Aliens.  The UFO images, dramatic music, and my longing for something to replace the void left in my life by Unsolved Mysteries were enough to keep my attention locked in.  It turns out that my attention (and that of 2 other people) was wisely invested.

From the onset the program felt magical.  The show started out with an explanation of a 50 year old phenomenon.  Cows were being ruthlessly mutilated on farms!  This wasn’t your normal cow mutilation by any stretch of the imagination.  It wasn’t just an ear there or an eye here.  These cows had their tongues and genitals removed with surgical precision (no blood at any of the scenes).

About 5 minutes into the investigation my roomate attempted to change the channel to more "reasonable" TV.  His date and I refused to let him rob us of our joy.  He gave up and let us enjoy a classic piece of American TV.
The show was very educational for me. There are 3 things that I learned that I absolutely have to share.

1 - Aliens are Evil

If there is another type of life form in this galaxy if definitely hates human beings.  They hate human beings so much that they abduct cows (which according to the History channel have a similar makeup to humans) to study so that they can take over the world.  I’m starting to hate aliens

We got some nice pictures of what aliens look like too.  This is the closest picture I could find.

I’m sure that aliens eat humans with the innermost mouth .

2 - Cows have their own CSI Team

Did you know there was a such thing as a professional cow mutilation crime scene expert (CSI watch out).  I’m not really sure where you go to get that degree.  I’m not really sure what drives you to devote your life to the mutilation of cows.  I’m not really sure what makes you poke a cow that has been dead for several months with a pen and then stick that pen behind your ear.

The entire arena of cow mutilation and investigation confuses me.  I am clear on one thing though.  Somebody has to put a stop to this!

3 - Cows have very strong bones

My favorite portion of the show was part unbelievable and hilarious. Halfway through the show we were treated to a visual reenactment  of a real live cow mutilation.  The poor cow was minding his own business just eating some grass in a field.  Out of nowhere a flying white disk of doom flies overhead, scoops up the cow in a beam of light, and takes off into the night. The aliens take all the cow’s hopes and dreams (along with all its inner organs) and then the unthinkable (and hilarious) happens.

The aliens unceremoniously drop our filet mignon friend 10,000 feet from the sky to the same spot they picked him up from.  A fall like that would send any mere mortal in 1000 different directions.  At a minimum the head and a limb or two would come off.

Cows don’t suffer the same fate!

Every cow that has been dropped from the heavens above has suffered about 3 broken bones.  Milk does do a body good .

Conclusion

I went to work today fully expecting to be the only person who could have possibly wasted their time watching a show about cow mutilations.  I was wrong. To my surprise one of my teammates was also equally intrigued and appalled by the whole thing.

Based on the events of last night I do have one tiny suggestion for TV stations.  If you don’t have something useful to show us then just give us the blue screen of death.  The value is the same.

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I was digging through my YouTube favorite’s today when I found this video.  Enjoy!

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Earlier today I googled "Top 10 Reasons to Workout".  To my not so pleasant surprise I found 140,000,000 records.  I poked around in a few of the articles trying to decide if I should add my own unique twist to this over saturated market.  After close examination I decided that it just wouldn’t be right if I didn’t throw my hat into the ring.  I’m not afraid of 140,000,000 records!

Sit back, relax, and enjoy my 10 More (Top) Reasons to Work Out.

1 - Peep Show

I worked out for a full year and a half at a corporate gym.  Then one day I decided to take things to the next level and join a more advanced fitness club.  My eyes thanked me immediately!  I’d been missing out on some of the best looking, most attractive, motivating female specimens around.

Since I’m all about taking the opportunity to improve myself I decided to improve my sneak-a-peek skills.  Initially, it was awkward so I only used my long range sneak-a-peek vision.  After a while my courage grew and I was staring at people within arms reach.  I’d gotten to the point where I could deadlift, sneak-a-peek, and turn away without being noticed.

I think Batman would be proud.

There have been plenty of times when the sneak-a-peek has gotten me through the workout when nothing else could.

2 - Sense of Accomplishment

A successful workouts provides a unrivaled sense of accomplishment.  The ability to concretely measure the beginning, middle, and end is a huge psychological plus.  There is a sense of gratification from improving your benchpress 35%, beating a personal best in a mile run, or trimming off 20 lbs. Few things can beat the high of knowing you’ve toppled a personal goal.

3 - Vanity Fair

We all like to look at ourselves in the mirror (some of us more than other’s).  Most people may not willingly admit it but that doesn’t make it any less true.  The gym is one of the few places where you may not feel like a self-righteous, narcissistic, pompous, vain, conceited, and egotistical jerk for marveling at the perfection you’ve created for 4 or 5 minutes straight.  Just don’t try it at home.

4 - You can throw things

Ever wanted to throw something at school, home, or in the office but you knew you couldn’t?

In the gym you can pretty much throw whatever you want and call it exercise!  There’s usually a benefit or 2 as well (strength, endurance, etc).  So instead of tossing your lamp, computer, desk, or something else you’d eventually have to replace try this.  Go to the gym, pick up a medicine ball, and toss it around.  At least if you break something you won’t have to pay for it.  That’s what the dues are for.

5 - Meet Very Interesting People There

The gym is a place where interesting people come and congregate in mass.  In my time I’ve run into some interesting people indeed.

1. Man working out in a trash bag
2. Fitness Models
3. Male dancer (who offered me a job in the same line of work)
4. Immigration Lawyer
5. A woman who would eventually stalk me
6. A man who would eventually stalk me

I had to stop the list there because I was starting to get bad memories, but I’m sure you get the picture.  There are some interesting characters in the gym.

6 - Prepares you for life

I sincerely believe that working out prepares you for life.   The experience is so tangible and in your face.  Working out a consistent basis gives you the opportunity to create goals, suffer through pitfalls, pick yourself up, and eventually excel at what you’re doing.

The last time I checked life was about creating goals, suffering through the pitfalls, and learning to dust yourself off and keep going. The gym wraps that up in a neat little package, seals it for you, and delivers it to your doorstep for about $30 a month.

You can’t beat that with a 10 foot pole.

7 - Establishes discipline

Ever felt like you lacked the discipline to get things done?

Ever wished you could involve yourself in something that would help you establish unquestionable discipline?

Setting a workout schedule and sticking to it is the perfect way to establish discipline.  After you establish discipline in the gym you can then carry over to the rest of your life and improve tenfold.

I bet the gym is looking better and better by the moment .

8 - Respect

People seem to naturally respect those that work out.  Some people pay homage through jealousy while others are more positive and upbeat.  The ways in which people pay their respect doesn’t really matter.  I smile just as hard when I’m called a “juicer” as when I get a normal compliment.  To me it all sounds like “you’re doing a wonderful job taking care of yourself”.
Working out, developing a muscular body, and pushing yourself beyond societal biases and norms is definitely abnormal.  People naturally respect that behavior.  Deep down inside they probably wish they could do it to.

9 - Eventually you’ll have to beat them off with a stick

Common sense (and some studies) have shown that people are attracted to muscles.  Big surprise!!  As a society we’ve made it painfully clear that having more muscle and less fat is a good thing.  I’ve definitely seen a noticeable increase in female interest since I’ve made the transition over to be being “buff”.   It’s a simple fact of life that those who are more physically appealing have a better chance with the opposite sex.  While it may not be “fair” its definitely true.

If you get to the really elite level you’ll be beating them off with a stick Fabio style.

10 - It’s Good For You

‘Nuff said.

Conclusion

Am I doing a good job?

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I’ve been asked several times over the last few months what makes me such a happy and optimistic person.  The first few times I heard it I was thrown for a loop.  I never really considered myself to be an excessively happy person until it was continually brought to my attention.  Whenever I think of excessive happiness Ned Flanders always comes to mind and I’m not trying to be Ned Flanders.

I brainstormed a list of things that could possibly contribute to my happiness.  At one point the list was 20 items long.  As I analyzed the list I realized that my constant euphoria is centered around 2 things.

My Body Transformation
A lot of things happened to me when I was losing weight.  The physical changes are obvious.  I went from 250 lbs to around 205.  That’s easy to see.

What’s not so easy to see is the mental transformation that goes along with it.  Along that road I had to develop the mental strength to plan and implement each day with precision.  I had to develop amazing will power to succeed.  I had to learn to focus on the long term benefits of what I was doing because the scale didn’t always display what I wanted.  I had to be alright with being labeled a weird, health freak, who was obsessed with losing weight.

At the end of it all I came to the realization that I could do whatever I set my mind to.  I don’t mean that in a rah-rah YOU CAN DO IT cheerleading sense.  I mean it in a realistic learn and take action sense.

Indifference to Opinions

I’ve always had a rebellious streak.  Not anything nasty.  I’ve never robbed an old lady, extorted money, or put anyone through chinese water torture.  I have managed to do things my own way.

I see it like this.  The life I live is MINE.  I own it.  I have to be satisfied with myself each and every day.  That mind set allows me to challenge some things that others happily except.  Sometimes it makes people angry and ruffles a few feathers.  Sometimes it sparks a good conversation.  I’m fine either way.  It’s my life so I’ll live it how I see fit.

Conclusion

I really don’t think happiness is that difficult of a thing to come by.  Do what makes sense for you and the rest falls into place.  It’s that simple.

Howdly doodly neighbor

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It’s always interesting to see what type of information is floating around when it comes to weight loss.  The good news is there’s never a shortage of information. The bad news is…there is never a shortage of information.  Some of it is good and some of it is "interesting".

Great American Newscast

A few days ago I was watching the local news when a headline grabbed my attention.  A gorgeous, trim newscaster stared into the camera with a concerned look on her face and said "Is a lack of sleep making you fat?  Find out when we come back from our commercial break".

The "news" that followed the commercial break was disappointing.  A local Atlanta study indicated a strong correlation between a lack of sleep and being overweight.  I wasted the next 10 minutes of my life listening to how sleep deprivation leads to obesity.  Sleep deprived people just can’t eat right.  What?

I listened and listened for any information about diet, exercise, portion control, or something even remotely related to the process of losing weight.  That information never came.

When it was all said and done the good people watching the program were left with the wrong impression.

Sleep more.  Continue doing the same things you’ve always done.  Lose Weight.

Not all Correlations Correlate

My issue with this editorial piece is simple.  A "correlation" between two disjointed activities doesn’t make them any less disjointed.  If you search hard enough I’m sure you can find a correlation between just about anything.  Let’s think aloud together:

• People who tie their right shoe first are 40% more likely to become President than their counterparts
• People who floss twice daily eat more food due to the decreased force of gravity on their mouths
• People who throw rocks into the ocean for just 10 short minutes a day build better sand castles than 95% of people who don’t bother throwing rocks into the ocean
• People who chase dogs in a circle, in a snowstorm, in Arizona, in July, have decreased exposure to HPV, hang nails, and that night time, sniffling, sneezing,aching, fever condition you encounter when you don’t take your Nyquil

These “correlations” carry about the same weight as the one between no sleep and a big belly.  I know we have to put something on TV.  Let’s at least make it accurate.

Conclusion

The science of being overweight is simple.  I know because I used to be a master.  It goes something like this.  If you eat a lot and sit still you’ll gain weight.  If you control your portions, exercise, and push yourself you just might shed a 1 lb, 2 lbs, or 100.  That’s the only correlation that matters in this game.

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Have you ever felt like the weight of the world on your shoulders?

Have you ever felt like there was so much going on and you couldn’t handle it?

Have you ever just needed to be able to clear your mind and start with a clean slate?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions then this article is for you.  Sit back, relax, and enjoy my 5 Powerful Methods to Clear Your Mind.

1 - Take some Time for Yourself

The majority of your time is spent with other people.  That can be both good and bad.  On the positive side you experience feelings of companionship, belonging, and teamwork most of your waking hours.  These are all great feelings and we need to have them to regulate our lives.

However, there are some dark spots in that cloud.  Belonging to a group whether it be coworkers, family, or other social groups require a great degree of conformity.  After all you wouldn’t belong to that group if you weren’t similar in some way.  Becoming too entrenched in a group can ultimately lead to losing your own sense of individuality.

Take some time for yourself to combat this loss of identity.  Being alone allows you to get in touch with the person that you really are.  A powerful way to clear your mind while you’re alone is to talk to yourself.  That’s right, I said it, have a good solid conversation with yourself.  While it sounds crazy its really nothing more than thinking out loud.  You’ll be surprised at how much you can express when its just you and…you.

2 - Put Situations in Perspective

Blowing things out of proportion is an extremely easy thing to do.  Mix in some high emotions and you never know what you’ll get.  Sadness or anger can quickly take a situation from a level 1 to a level 10.  Try to avoid making a mountain out of a molehill.  People will rarely climb to the top to see what the issue is.

Step back and take a fact based look at your life. Looking at things from a factual basis is a hard yet effective tactic.  Things like your  long term financial situation, health, fitness, and your overall sense of happiness warrant a good bit of your attention.  These things effect you on a day to day basis.

Getting your lunch stolen at work (I’ve had this happen before), the rumor going around about you wearing white after labor day, or that annoying juice stain on your carpet are collectively worth 3 minutes of your time.  Treat them like so and keep the train moving.
Focus your time and energy on those things that matter.  Treat the little things like little things.

3 - Be Creative

Creative outlets are some of the best stress busters known to mankind.  When you do something creative you can get lost in what you’re doing and just let some time pass.  Some of the creative things I do are:

• Write Poetry
• Write Blogs or Articles
• Take relaxing drives and look for alternate routes around the city
• Make workout plans for myself and others
• Make up “remixes” to popular songs to give myself a good laugh

That’s just a small list of possible things to do.  Explore your creative side to help reduce stress.

4 - Call an elderly person and have a talk

Older people are a wealth of experience and knowledge.  There is something about the wisdom of an older person that has a calming effect on you.  Most older people have either lived the experiences you are going through or know someone who has.  I’ve literally had conversations with an older relative where I felt like he or she was reading my mind.   Find a good elderly person to lean on.  They can shave years off your learning curve.

5 - Allow yourself to get angry, upset, or bothered.  You can’t sterilize yourself too much

We live in a sterilized world where you “can’t say this” or “shouldn’t say that” for fear of hurting someone’s feelings.  As a result its easy to let the mind get cluttered and confused.

Living a sterilized life and never expressing any emotions just isn’t human.  You don’t have to break glass and throw people out of windows but you need to let some things out every now and then.  Express control while allowing yourself to experience emotions such as:

• Aggression
• Anger
• Disgust
• Pleasure
• Pride
• Sadness
• Euphoria

Handling these emotions make you a better human being.  You’re not a robot so don’t act like one.  Sometimes you need to tell someone they are getting on your nerves.  It may shock and appall but it also helps with cutting loose of stress and clearing up the clutter.  Learn to express yourself, deal with the emotions, and move on.

Conclusion

Many of us are stressed out with cluttered minds.  Use the following 5 tips to ensure that you never go to sleep with a cluttered mind:

1. Take some time to yourself
2. Put situations in perspective
3. Be Creative
4. Call upon an elderly person and talk
5. Allow yourself to experience all emotions

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As I promised last week I’m going to deliver the first article in the Assault on Macho Men Series.  My first article is about the talents that men have and hide.

Somewhere in ancient history the great man’s man (whoever that is) decided that only a few tasks on this earth were indeed manly.  They include

• Killing animals with your bare hands
• Launching projectiles
• Chewing Rocks
• Lifting Huge Objects
• Dragging your knuckles on the ground
• Pounding your chest
• Construction
• Staring at women
• Sports or Athletics

Since the great man’s man has decreed it then so it shall be.  We as men are supposed to do things like bite rocks, lift boxes, and bash each other’s heads in.  In the year 8 A.D. this behavior was acceptable when we didn’t know any better.  It’s slightly ridiculous to see the number of men who frown on creative writing, poetry, speaking, singing, art, and plays as “feminine” professions.

Here’s a perfect example.  A little over a year ago I decided to look into professional speaking as a career path.  I’d began to speak often and I was slowly falling in  love with the experience (while simultaneously losing what was left of the passion I had for my job).  The females I knew where very encouraging for the most part.  Not only did they encourage me but they wanted to be actively involved in my new career.   I was very uptight about sharing these same feelings with any males because I didn’t know what to expect.

Slowly but surely I began to open up to my male friends to very mixed reviews.

“That’s pretty cool”

“That’s stupid”

“That’s ok I guess”

“Aww I see you getting in touch with your feminine side”

“Haha. You write poems now?  How do they start roses are ride violets are blue?”

“What kind of man goes around talking about his feelings like that?”

“Are you gay or something man?”
When the negative sarcastic remarks started to pour in I was caught off balance. A million thoughts ran through my mind.  Why was I being treated like this?  Why were men taking my innermost desires and dreams and turning them into a big joke? Was I going to be outcast from my male peer group because of this?

This inner battle went on for about a month before I’d had enough.  I soon realized that I was acting out of character and allowing the opinions of others to shape the career path I chose to create.  I became angry with myself for falling prey to such basement level motivations.  Eventually I decided that people were going to say something either way.  What difference doesn’t make to me one way or the other?

That’s when I realized the difference between myself and the macho men.

The macho man is not expressive.  He is a sheer brute like the many brutes that came before him.  Even if he can’t jog a 1/2 mile, bench press half his body weight, or climb a flight of stairs.  He can still be MACHO.  He can still drag his knuckles on the ground, chew rocks, scratch sticks together for fire, and throw projectiles into the air.  After all isn’t that what we all want out of life?  The drag our knuckles on the the ground, chew a rock, and then throw that rock at a defenseless animal ?  Well I don’t but I know plenty of people who do.
MACHO brutes hide behind their vail of pride and never really explore their true talents.  They are too consumed with worry over what is masculine and feminine in this world.  Lifetimes have been wasted hiding behind the macho curtain.  I prefer to take the curtain away and live the way I see fit.

I’ll explore my talents even if they are “feminine”.  I can take comfort in knowing what my talents are and knowing that I’m doing my best to develop them.

Hey Mr. Macho Man! “Can you say the same?”

Hi friends.  Thanks for stopping by and welcome.  Before we go any further let me introduce myself.  My name is Big.  That’s right BIG.  Don’t laugh at my name (its the one my mother gave me).  My last name is MONEY.  You got that right friends BIG MONEY.  My dear mother loved me so much and she wanted to make sure my focus in life was on the right things.

As a young boy I decided to live up to the name my mother gave me.  Initially, the task seemed very hard.  Not many people scoop up the big bucks.  Hey don’t shoot me I’m just the messenger!  I knew some honest people that made BIG MONEY but that seemed like a whole lot of work.  Those guys were just weird.  I just don’t understand how they could work so hard, care about their customers, and be honest even if it meant not making BIG MONEY.

I on the other hand am a little smarter than those guys.  As a young boy my dear mother taught me to work smart not hard.  So I began to use my brain.  BIG MONEY thought long and hard about what he could do to make it in this world.  It wasn’t an easy task by any means.  I tried my hand at singing.  I tried my hand and franchising.  I even tried my hand at playing football.  None of these worked out for me.

To tell you the truth BIG MONEY almost gave up.  One day while I was in the mall I wondered into the food court and saw an advertisement.  There were 2 absolutely GORGEOUS models on that ad.  The man was 100% ripped from head to toe (even his ankles had muscles).  The woman was the picture of fitness. This woman had a small waist, ripped abs, picture perfect breasts, and a great butt.

I noticed something else about this ad as well.  Everyone who walked by was amazed at what they say.  EVERYBODY WHO WALKED BY WANTED TO LOOK LIKE THE PEOPLE IN THAT AD!  Immediately, the wheels started turning in BIG MONEY’s head.  Finally, I’d found the path to freedom.

Ladies and gentleman that’s why I stand here before you today ready to guide you to the best fitness site ever.  Before I go on let me make some things perfectly clear.

1. BIG MONEY is overweight :-/
2. BIG MONEY flunked PE
3. BIG MONEY never uses his own products (they’re for you not me)
4. BIG MONEY isn’t about being a little “creative” in order to sell products

Now that we’ve got all that out of the way let’s jump into it.

How many of you know someone who is drop dead gorgeous?  How many of you know someone with rock hard steel abs?  How many of you know someone who is an absolute head turner at the beach?

Now, here’s the real question.  How many of you HATE THEIR GUTS?????

Just like I thought.  Let me tell you something about those idiots.  They probably work REALLY hard to keep that up.  Who really wants to go through the trouble of figuring out how to get in shape?  It’s really too confusing to think about if you ask me.  Look at this list of terms and tell me if you really know what they mean:

• Hypertrophy
• Overtraining
• Cardio
• Giant Sets
• Super Sets
• Protein
• Split Sets
• Complexes
• German Volume Training
• Supplementation
• High Intensity Interval Training
• Straight Sets
• Elliptical Machine
• Treadmill
• T-Bar
• Spin Cycling
• The list goes on and on and on for eternity

Do you really know or care what those words mean?  Of course not

Would you like to look as great as the idiots who go through all that trouble? Bet your bottom dollar!

Are you listening?  Good.  BIG MONEY has searched long and hard for the secret to uncovering those rock hard, beach body, LL Cool J abs. Since I’m such a generous person I’m going to allow you to purchase from my Extremely limited (only 30,000 units available) supply!

I hope you’re as excited as me because I’m about to change your life forever.  Imagine walking on the beach and getting all that attention you deserve.  Imagine slipping into that dress you wore to your high school prom or that tuxedo you wore to a friend’s wedding 10 years ago.  Imagine walking past an old friend and them not even recognizing the new you!  BIG MONEY is about to share some amazing equipment with you so make sure you’re ready.  Oh yeah you can go ahead and get your Visa ready.  These units usually don’t stick around long so I wouldn’t fool around if I were you.

Item #1 –> Ridiculously Overpriced Chair

BIG MONEY searched long and hard for this.  I traveled to all 10 continents to figure this one out!  As I traveled around the world I began to notice something marvelous.  EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT I SAW WITH A SIX PACK WAS SITTING ON THEIR BUTT.  That’s when it struck me.  The fit idiots in the US were doing it all wrong!  All you have to do to get in outstanding shape is sit in a chair.  Isn’t that great!  I mean really isn’t that just fantastic!

• No Pain!
• No Sweat!
• No Weights!
• No Commitment!
• No Work!

Do you LOVE BIG DADDY or what? I’ve found a way for you to strip away those unwanted lbs.  Get rid of those love handle obliques and shape those sexy abs!  Here are the instructions to using the Ridiculously Overpriced Chair.  Three easy steps are all it takes to get it done.  Ready?  Here we go!

1. Sit in the chair
2. Grab the magic handles
3. Twist from side to side

Now I know what you’re saying.   This looks  similar to something those idiots call the  oblique crunch.  This is true and not true.  They do the crunch standing up.  They’re stupid!  We do it SITTING DOWN in the comfort of our own home while watching TV and eating cheeze balls.  Really what’s better than that?

Hey! BIG MONEY isn’t done yet.  I know you’ve got your credit cards ready and you’re just dying to make a purchase.  If I were you I would be too.  Hold on to your hats.  We’re not done yet.  Listen to my next invention.

Item #2 –> Abdominal Accordion

This is my baby.  BIG MONEY is really proud of this one.  I didn’t even need to travel to think this one up.  I was watching TV one day and happened to pass a man playing an ACCORDION.  BIG MONEY’s brain started kicking into high gear!  Those abs have to be working to play that accordion.  Think about the motion.  Pressing inwards puts max pressure on the abs.  You tax those LOVE HANDLE OBLIQUES and work everything else to.

I love you guys so much that I’m going to cut you a special deal.  You see BIG MONEY was confused.  I wanted to simulate the accordion action.  Day and night I struggled with just how to pull it off.  Finally it hit me.  I could just sell you an ACCORDION!  This is even better than the RIDICULOUSLY OVERPRICED CHAIR.  You get an ab workout and a musical instrument.  There are only 2 super easy steps:

1. Pick Up the Ab Accordion
2. Play your favorite song!

This package is too much to pass on.  Get in shape and learn to play your favorite song.  What more can I say?  Where you ever really questioning BIG MONEY??  I seriously hope not!

Now here’s the kicker.  I’ve been called crazy for even offering this package at a rate less than $2,000.  Well call me crazy then because I’m a generous guy.  For today and today only you can get your Ridiculously Overpriced Chair and your AB ACCORDION for the low, low, low (did I mention low) price of $1799.99.

That’s it folks.  If you’re ready for beautiful abs, ripped triceps, huge chest, and boulder shoulders then grab my equipment.  If you’re sick and tired of being told you have to push yourself, be dedicated, and know what’s going on to be in shape then come shop with me.  If not…you’re stupid.

If you’re ready to make an easy, painless, sweat less, non committal, and not to mention musical change in your life come to me.  I can show you the light for the low low price of $1799.99

Let’s prove my mama was right.  You can order your package now at www.letmeripyouoff.com

Your friend and pal

$$$$BIG MONEY$$$$