Never Settle For Less

Yesterday the history channel earned my everlasting support.  It takes a lot for me to pledge my support to a channel but after witnessing the single most hilarious program of my life I’m 100% sold.

Around 11 pm on February 13, 2008 my life was changed forever. I witnessed a program about cattle mutilation from Aliens.  The UFO images, dramatic music, and my longing for something to replace the void left in my life by Unsolved Mysteries were enough to keep my attention locked in.  It turns out that my attention (and that of 2 other people) was wisely invested.

From the onset the program felt magical.  The show started out with an explanation of a 50 year old phenomenon.  Cows were being ruthlessly mutilated on farms!  This wasn’t your normal cow mutilation by any stretch of the imagination.  It wasn’t just an ear there or an eye here.  These cows had their tongues and genitals removed with surgical precision (no blood at any of the scenes).

About 5 minutes into the investigation my roomate attempted to change the channel to more "reasonable" TV.  His date and I refused to let him rob us of our joy.  He gave up and let us enjoy a classic piece of American TV.
The show was very educational for me. There are 3 things that I learned that I absolutely have to share.

1 - Aliens are Evil

If there is another type of life form in this galaxy if definitely hates human beings.  They hate human beings so much that they abduct cows (which according to the History channel have a similar makeup to humans) to study so that they can take over the world.  I’m starting to hate aliens

We got some nice pictures of what aliens look like too.  This is the closest picture I could find.

I’m sure that aliens eat humans with the innermost mouth .

2 - Cows have their own CSI Team

Did you know there was a such thing as a professional cow mutilation crime scene expert (CSI watch out).  I’m not really sure where you go to get that degree.  I’m not really sure what drives you to devote your life to the mutilation of cows.  I’m not really sure what makes you poke a cow that has been dead for several months with a pen and then stick that pen behind your ear.

The entire arena of cow mutilation and investigation confuses me.  I am clear on one thing though.  Somebody has to put a stop to this!

3 - Cows have very strong bones

My favorite portion of the show was part unbelievable and hilarious. Halfway through the show we were treated to a visual reenactment  of a real live cow mutilation.  The poor cow was minding his own business just eating some grass in a field.  Out of nowhere a flying white disk of doom flies overhead, scoops up the cow in a beam of light, and takes off into the night. The aliens take all the cow’s hopes and dreams (along with all its inner organs) and then the unthinkable (and hilarious) happens.

The aliens unceremoniously drop our filet mignon friend 10,000 feet from the sky to the same spot they picked him up from.  A fall like that would send any mere mortal in 1000 different directions.  At a minimum the head and a limb or two would come off.

Cows don’t suffer the same fate!

Every cow that has been dropped from the heavens above has suffered about 3 broken bones.  Milk does do a body good .

Conclusion

I went to work today fully expecting to be the only person who could have possibly wasted their time watching a show about cow mutilations.  I was wrong. To my surprise one of my teammates was also equally intrigued and appalled by the whole thing.

Based on the events of last night I do have one tiny suggestion for TV stations.  If you don’t have something useful to show us then just give us the blue screen of death.  The value is the same.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, February 14th, 2008 at 4:54 pm and is filed under Training, Humor, Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.