Never Settle For Less

Today I’m going to step outside the norm and do something special.  Instead of writing an article I wanted to stretch my mind.I came up with 20 moving quotes in an hour.

The following is the result of that hour.  Enjoy

1. The longer you sit still the farther behind you fall.
2. Opportunity is only limited by imagination.
3. Everything we see, touch, smell, taste, and feel is the result of a dream come true.
4. Life is a series of cleverly disguised challenges.  The winners seek them out and destroy them.
5. Harriet Tubman couldn’t read, Albert Einstein didn’t speak until he was 3, and Ray Charles was blind.  What’s wrong with you?
6. Conforming is easy.  Being true to yourself is a true challenge.
7. Pressure is only felt by those who acknowledge it.
8. To be a king you must think, speak, and act like a king.  Before you know it you’ll end up on the throne.
9. When you get to the end of the road you realize something remarkable…There is no end.
10. Experiencing fear is experiencing life.
    
11. Being afraid to make a mistake is the biggest mistake you can make.
12. Make a new friend every day and you’ll never be lonely.
13. Smiling energizes you and everyone around you.
14. If patience is a virtue then action is distinction.
15. Self-control is everything.
    
16. In order to change the world you just might have to change yourself.
17. Hating someone wastes more time than forgetting they ever crossed you.
18. The most powerful word in the English languages is “no”.  It’s the only one that forces us to think, react, and improve.
19. I’m not what you say to me I’m what I respond to.
20. Life is like a safe deposit box. Put in nickels and dime and you’ll have loose change.  Put in diamonds and pearls and you’ll have a kings ransom.  Start saving now!

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The Assault on Macho men continues.  Today’s topic is emotions or the lack of emotions men tend to display.  There are millions of stories I could tell about this one but I’ll pick my absolute favorite.

A few months ago I was watching a discussion on BET.  I’m not a big TV fan but I’ll give it a shot if something interesting or stimulating is on.   This show was called something like "The Fall of Black Men".   Every topic under the sun was thrown around from single parent homes to homosexuality.

The crowd seemed to be a good mix of young, middle aged, old, professional, blue collar, single, and married men.  Decent intellectual conversation was going on.  Even the most taboo topic (homosexuality) didn’t generate the crowd uproar that I expected.  Everything was cruising along fine then out of nowhere it happened.  The mood of the room took a turn for the worse.

Why you ask?  A middle aged man in the room brought up the topic of showing your emotions.  He specifically mentioned crying and when is it "Ok" or "Not Ok" to cry.  To say I was shocked at the responses would be like saying there’s sand in the desert.  The room exploded and no one was able to get a word in edgewise.

After 30 seconds of chaos the moderator regained control and handed the floor over to a man who appeared to be around the age of 25.  I could tell I wasn’t going to like his answer.  You could see him building up his macho man reply. He cocked his hat to the side and slumped down in the chair and began to speak.

"I’m a man and I have a son.  I tell my son like my father told me…crying is for women!  REAL MEN DON’T CRY. PERIOD.  If you’re out crying where people can see you then you just aren’t a real man.  That’s all there is to it.  You can cry in private, but don’t let me see it.  That’s just not what a man’s man would do."

My jaw hit the floor.  I couldn’t believe my ears.  There was a 25 year old man on national TV telling the world that a real man doesn’t cry.  The reason?  Crying is weak.  He went on to say (and reiterate several times) that crying is a sign of weakness.

So let’s get this correct.  In order to be a real man you have to

• Hide your feelings
• Lie to yourself
• Practice a deficiency in communication skills
• Be “hard” at all times possible

Thanks but no thanks.
Unfortunately plenty of my fellow men think the same way.  Is it me or is that just a little bit immature, childish, and ridiculous?

A real man can express his emotions without feeling “weak”, “soft”, “squishy”, or “fake”.  It’s called communication.  It’s a good skill to have.  Try it out…you might like it.
Round 3 next Monday

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I have something to admit.  My entire life I’ve been a coward.  I’ve always run kicking and screaming from horror films.  When I was 8 or 9 years old I watched the movie Candyman at a friend’s house in a dark room with about 10 mirrors in it (seriously) and it scared the life out of me.

For the people who don’t know anything about the movie here’s a basic summary.  In Chicago there is a legend going around about the son of a slave that has been brutally murdered called Candyman.  You can summon him by staring into a mirror and saying Candyman 5 times in a row.  Once you pull off this genius task he will appear and kill you for your troubles.  Sounds fun!

That 2 mile walk from my friends house was painful.  Every sound I heard made my heart skip a beat.  I walked in the middle of the road so no one could sneak up on me.

I avoided mirrors like the plague for months.  Needless to say I was steering clear of horror films.

A month ago a friend convinced me to watch Saw 2.  I wanted to get over my silly fear of horror films and he did a great job of convincing me that it wasn’t really that terrifying.

The plot grabbed my attention from the beginning.  It was original, outrageous, and exciting simultaneously.  The villain (Jigsaw) trapped a group of people in an abandoned home.  Cleverly disguised puzzles/death traps were planted all throughout the home.  The victims were people who either did not respect their own lives or who were ruining the lives of others.  In his mind he was giving them a chance to redeem themselves and value their lives again.    In order to survive they would have to work as a team.  Their reward was life and their punishment was the opposite.

The action packed script and character interaction kept my eyes glued to the screen.  To my surprise, the movie was packed with applicable life lessons.

1 - Be Alive!

Lesson #1 hit home the hardest.  I’m a firm believer that each of our lives has a meaning and we should live fulfilling lives.  At one point in the movie a detective whose son is in the house asks Jigsaw why he contacted this elaborate scheme. His answer was perfect.  I can’t remember it word for word but this is what I interpreted.

“You ever notice how little attention we pay to our own lives?  How we take the

small things like breathing for granted?  Do you appreciate your breath? Appreciate your life?

Most of us go through life never knowing what it’s like to feel ALIVE.  I’m sure they all feel alive now.

Being so close to death will do that to you.  Think so detective?”

I found myself nodding in rhythm with Jigsaw’s reply.  While I don’t agree with the methods I do agree with the message.

Most of us are not truly alive.  Day in and day out we go through the motions.  Like gears in an engine we keep on churning.  Never stopping to figure out what we REALLY want or what we REALLY need to do.  By not thinking about these things we actively avoid the situations that allow us to experience the agony of defeat, the passion of victory, and the thrill of being alive.

Over the past few years I’ve developed a thrill seeking streak.  It pushed me to become involved in public speaking, weightlifting, organizational leadership, and opening conversations with strangers.  I’ve learned that being nervous is a good thing because it means you’re about to GROW and LEARN from an experience.  In other words, you’re about to LIVE.
If you’re cheating yourself of the opportunity to grow and learn then rethink those patterns.  If you don’t you’ll exist…but you won’t be ALIVE.

2 - Never Underestimate Your Impact

One of the more powerful moments in Saw 2 occurred in a room filled with drug needles.  Jigsaw’s most rowdy victims was a heroine dealer.  To punish him Jigsaw placed the key to a vital door under a stack of several thousand infested needles.  Jigsaw explained that the needles represented each and every life that was effectively ruined by dealing heroine.

That dealer did not have 4,000 clients. However, those clients did have friends, fiances, uncles, cousins, and children who were all effected by his behavior.  The message was crystal clear. Don’t underestimate your impact to your society.

That image made me step back and analyze my own actions.  Something I say or do could dramatically impact someone else’s well being.  One false move can change ruin thousands of lives in an instant.  A good action or statement on your part can improve thousands of lives in an instant.  Which do you prefer?

3 - Leverage the Wisdom of Others

The very first death in Saw 2 illustrates this point to perfection.

In the beginning the victims are all trapped in a room.  Each person is visibly upset.  They are all buzzing with fear.  One person lay prone on the floor.  All at once they start to panic and bombard each other with questions.

“Why are we here?”

“What the hell is going on?’

“How do we get out of there”

“Who are you?”

Suddenly an ear splitting shriek breaks out.  The person that was lying on the floor wakes up!  I look of disgust creeps across her face.  She recognizes the scenario as one she’s already been in.  She curses herself for ending up in Jigsaw’s death grip again.

She searches for a tape player and plays Jigsaw’s first message to the group.  On the tape Jigsaw calmly explains why they are there and what he intends to happen.  It’s a game and Jigsaw has forced them to “play”.

After several minutes one of the participants grows anxious and approaches the most obvious exit, a door that doesn’t appear to be rigged.  The woman who has been there before urges him to stay clear. He ignores her and grabs the handle.  Just as he is about to twist the handle he pauses.  Suspense builds in the room and the viewer is drawn in close.  He looks through the peephole in the door.

Slowly he turns the knob…

A loud blast goes off.  A bullet penetrates his skull and exists just as quickly as it came.  His face shatters and his lifeless body falls to the floor.  The knob that he turned was attached to a revolver outside the door.  The remaining victims stare at the woman in amazement.  Apparently she knows something!  All of a sudden she has EVERYONE’S attention.

There are many wise people in this world.  Latch on to as many as you can.  They can smooth the bumps in the road and and help you navigate the waters.  Leveraging the wisdom of others can only make you better.

Conclusion

I never really expected to learn much from watching a movie (much less a horror movie).  Often they are filled with mindless bloodbaths and death.  However, this one sticks out to me.  There was a message to be conveyed and it went over very well.  I was glad that I took the time to watch it.  Wisdom can come from the strangest places.
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Victory is a basic human need.  It’s right up there with food, shelter, water, and reproduction.  Few things in life rival the extreme jolt of energy that comes from winning.  Sometimes its a friendly contest amongst friends.  Sometimes it’s an athletic competition.  Sometimes its a personal goal that you’ve been striving to achieve.  Regardless of the situation winning provides joy, excitement, and energy.

Our society, our  ancestor’s society,  and the society our children will live in thrive on it.  It’s an undeniable fact of life.

• The President wins the election
• Salesmen win the trust of their customers
• Teachers  win the satisfaction of knowing they are passing on knowledge
• Bodybuilders win the fight with their bodies
• Writers win the support of their fan bases
• Race car drivers win races
• Husbands win the affection of their wives in order to marry them
• Good Doctors win their battles with disease and injury

As you can see millions of situations arise on a daily basis that challenge our willingness to win.  From running for public office to shedding a few pounds.  Someone (or something) must gain from each situation.

Why is this the case?

Why is society so competitive?

The answer is simple.  The evolution of society depends on it.  We couldn’t have leadership without elections (somebody must win the election).  We’d have no Super Bowl if NFL players weren’t out on the field every week striving for a win.  Advanced medical technology wouldn’t exist if the need to defeat discomfort, broken bones, and disease never existed.  The entrepreneurial drive to win and create a company gives jobs to millions of people across the globe. You wouldn’t be able to read this blog if the drive to create an easy medium of communication (aka win) wasn’t created.

Society Urges Us to Lose

• I don’t want to look silly
• I’m afraid no one wants to hear what I have to say
• I’m not comfortable with the material
• It makes me nervous
• That’s too difficult for me

In summary, the biggest fear in modern American society is being an outlier in our group of peers. Our natural urge is to win.  Winners are by nature outliers that rise above the competition.  Is it healthy to suppress one of nature’s basic urges?  I’d have to say no.

Play Hard or Don’t Play at All

In order to satisfy your need to win you must play hard and put forth your best foot.  I’ve learned this lesson the hard way in several aspects of life.  Most notable of those has been my experiences with dating.

The second half of my senior year in high school and all 4 years in college were spent dating the same girl. The relationship in and of itself was great.  I learned a million and one things about women that I would not have known otherwise.  However, it SEVERELY handicapped my ability to initiate conversations, keep interest, and generate any dates with strangers.

When I first broke onto the scene I was very unsure of myself.  I’d make meager infrequent attempts to gain the attention of women I didn’t know.  If anything went sour during the exchange I’d immediately turn tail and run leaving behind a trail of smoke.  Sometimes I’d even trip when running away.

As time passed I fell into a deep slump.  The rejection and and nervousness where getting to me.  I wasn’t playing the game to win.  I was just playing to play.  I wasn’t presenting a person that any woman would want to date. No wonder I was falling flat on my face every time.

Gradually I changed my attitude.  I worked on small victories like saying hi to women as they walked by.  Giving compliments to women on their hair, clothes, body, etc.  Asking female coworkers and family members about approaches.  Eventually I worked up the courage to start conversations, continue them, and ask for numbers!

Once I decided to play hard or stay home everything changed for me.  It became easy to start conversations, generate some interest, and get over the nervousness.  Now I’m at the point where I’m willing to talk to the majority of women that I find interesting.  This was a huge win for me personally because I struggled with it for a few years.  I decided that if I was going to play I might as well play hard.  Sometimes I fall flat on my face and sometimes it works like a charm.

If you’re going to undertake a task its worth giving it your all.  Otherwise you’re just plodding along going nowhere.  When it’s all said and done you’ll be much better off. Why show up just to yell “present” when the role is taken? Make your presence known.

Time is too Valuable to Spend It Losing

A friend of mine recently asked me why I always have to shoot for the top.  Why do you have to push it to the limit?  He mentioned 2 things specifically

1. My insane drive to lose weight (250 lbs down to 205)
2. My intense dedication to speaking (~40 speeches in 17 months)

Up until he asked me I’d never really thought about it.  I sat for a second and let the options run through my mind.

Then it hit me.  I value my  TIME too much to waste it not getting results (aka Losing).
Time is the one resource that is truly limited and out of our control.  Once its gone you can’t have it back.  If you waste $50 you can always make it back.  If you waste 50 years they are gone forever.

If you want to win you have to learn to place value on your time.  Certain things just aren’t worth it.  Petty arguments, mild pain, spending 100% of your free time planted in front of a TV, and getting involved in things that really don’t interest you are all a waste of your most valuable resource.   Look at what you do and how much TIME you spend doing it.

In all likelihood, you’ll be surprised at just how much time its spent doing absolutely nothing of value.  Imagine if that time was spent on value added activity.  Think you could win more then?  Think you would be happier?  Think you could have more of what you desire?

I do.

The formula to winning is right before our eyes

1. Release your winning urges
2. Play Hard or Not At All
3. Value your time

It’s really that simple and straightforward.  Winners listen to their urge to win, give 100% in their efforts, and spend their time doing the things that matter.
If you’re to get in the game you might as well shoot for the championship.

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As I promised last week I’m going to deliver the first article in the Assault on Macho Men Series.  My first article is about the talents that men have and hide.

Somewhere in ancient history the great man’s man (whoever that is) decided that only a few tasks on this earth were indeed manly.  They include

• Killing animals with your bare hands
• Launching projectiles
• Chewing Rocks
• Lifting Huge Objects
• Dragging your knuckles on the ground
• Pounding your chest
• Construction
• Staring at women
• Sports or Athletics

Since the great man’s man has decreed it then so it shall be.  We as men are supposed to do things like bite rocks, lift boxes, and bash each other’s heads in.  In the year 8 A.D. this behavior was acceptable when we didn’t know any better.  It’s slightly ridiculous to see the number of men who frown on creative writing, poetry, speaking, singing, art, and plays as “feminine” professions.

Here’s a perfect example.  A little over a year ago I decided to look into professional speaking as a career path.  I’d began to speak often and I was slowly falling in  love with the experience (while simultaneously losing what was left of the passion I had for my job).  The females I knew where very encouraging for the most part.  Not only did they encourage me but they wanted to be actively involved in my new career.   I was very uptight about sharing these same feelings with any males because I didn’t know what to expect.

Slowly but surely I began to open up to my male friends to very mixed reviews.

“That’s pretty cool”

“That’s stupid”

“That’s ok I guess”

“Aww I see you getting in touch with your feminine side”

“Haha. You write poems now?  How do they start roses are ride violets are blue?”

“What kind of man goes around talking about his feelings like that?”

“Are you gay or something man?”
When the negative sarcastic remarks started to pour in I was caught off balance. A million thoughts ran through my mind.  Why was I being treated like this?  Why were men taking my innermost desires and dreams and turning them into a big joke? Was I going to be outcast from my male peer group because of this?

This inner battle went on for about a month before I’d had enough.  I soon realized that I was acting out of character and allowing the opinions of others to shape the career path I chose to create.  I became angry with myself for falling prey to such basement level motivations.  Eventually I decided that people were going to say something either way.  What difference doesn’t make to me one way or the other?

That’s when I realized the difference between myself and the macho men.

The macho man is not expressive.  He is a sheer brute like the many brutes that came before him.  Even if he can’t jog a 1/2 mile, bench press half his body weight, or climb a flight of stairs.  He can still be MACHO.  He can still drag his knuckles on the ground, chew rocks, scratch sticks together for fire, and throw projectiles into the air.  After all isn’t that what we all want out of life?  The drag our knuckles on the the ground, chew a rock, and then throw that rock at a defenseless animal ?  Well I don’t but I know plenty of people who do.
MACHO brutes hide behind their vail of pride and never really explore their true talents.  They are too consumed with worry over what is masculine and feminine in this world.  Lifetimes have been wasted hiding behind the macho curtain.  I prefer to take the curtain away and live the way I see fit.

I’ll explore my talents even if they are “feminine”.  I can take comfort in knowing what my talents are and knowing that I’m doing my best to develop them.

Hey Mr. Macho Man! “Can you say the same?”