The Self-Love Journey of an Amateur

Those who consistantly read my blog will probably remember the angry jackass I mentioned in a previous entry:
"There’s this guy at my gym who just throws down the weights, kicks water bottles across the floor, and shouts at members who are using the equipment he wants to use. He’s pretty large (in a very muscular sort of way) and sometimes I wonder if he’s got roid rage."

Now that he has done two contests (2nd in one/first in his class for a national qualifier/first in his class and 3rd overall in a local show), he has gotten twice as bad. He doesn’t work out much anymore. He just poses in the mirror. I hate to admit it, but he is rather hot. One day, I was checking him out as he was ostentatiously posing. I gave him exactly what he wanted, I know, but I was mesmerized at his terrific physique, PERFECT tan, insane vascularity, and PAPER THIN skin. He came up to me, flexed his muscles for the 32749047093274trillionth time, and said, "Hey sexy, you wanna feel that? ROCK HARD BABY!" I started laughing hysterically. He also flexes his muscles for the smaller and younger guys in the gym and says, "YOU WANNA LOOK LIKE THIS?? COME TALK TO ME!!! LOOK!! I’m SUPER TIGHT. SHREDDED!!!"

One day a few weeks ago, he struck up a conversation with me about bodybuilding and said, "I’m one of the biggest guys in this gym and NO ONE has me beat on upper body. NO ONE. My upper body is the best in this gym, I can tell you that right now. You have great calves. What do you do?" I said, "Besides my leg day weight training? I ride my bike, run, use the stepper, and…" (he’s nodding along at this point like he does all that too) "…I walk in heels a lot. If you want great calves, you need to walk in heels, too."

Sadly, I see him walking on his tippy toes from time to time. I suppose he’s trying to simulate the effect of walking in heels.

Even more sadly, if he DID come into the gym walking in heels, there would be at least three other guys walking in heels the next week.

Then, there is this other guy who always works out wearing almost nothing. I mean, this dude wears shirts cut lower than most of mine. They are usually sliced at the sides to show off as much chest, back, and abs as he can get away with. To top the outfit off, he wears Speedos. He has a great body (shame; if he was flabby and did this, it would be 80 times as funny). He drives a little Corvette decked out with lots of Superman logos, super expensive rims, a huuuuuuuge window decal in the front saying "TERMINATOR" and another one on the rear saying "I’LL BE BACK!" He is actually a pretty friendly guy, but his narcissism is comical.

I’m not grouchy today. Why? Well, I, uh, erm, durrr… see…

I did something that would cause most bodybuilders to drop their jaws and shout "INSTANT FAILURE" — yup, I cheated on my diet this weekend. Royally. That’s right, I went out drinkin’, partied my ass off, ate things I never would eat sober, and then gained a crap ton of water weight. It’s gone now. I’m back to normal and I didn’t gain any fat. In fact, once the water disappeared, I actually appeared leaner and more vascular than before. So, do I regret what I did? Honestly? No. I don’t. I had FUN. I got to behave like a NORMAL freakin’ person, even if just for one night. I’m obviously not going to do this again until AFTER my contest, but it was lovely. If it costs me a contest win, so be it.

I’m back on track now and hittin’ it ferociously… like before, except more so. I actually felt like working out the morning after. I’ve been pushing it the hardest I’ve ever pushed it and I don’t mind at all. The cravings for bad food have subsided… ironically, most of the cravings I get are for healthy things, anyway — just not things allowed on my contest diet.

When I was inebriated, I kept asking myself if bodybuilding was worth it. My attitude towards contest preparation became increasingly negative, as I asked, "Is it worth all the torture? Is it worth all the money I’ve spent on supplements, the perfect posing suit, tanning, clean food, and the perfect posing song mix? Is it worth all the social sacrifices I’ve made? Is it worth the mood swings? Is it worth the brain fog? Is it worth the time? The effort? The sacrifices? Uhh… THE TORTURE?"

…yes.

It is. I’ve been blessed with a genetic gift along with a rare desire, and it would be self-destructive for me not to take advantage of that.

I hear of people who actually don’t mind contest dieting and I wonder if they are lying… if they aren’t, then I wonder what kind of drugs they’re on and if they’ll hook me up with ‘em! I’m jealous of those people. Very, very jealous. To me, the diet is the hardest part. I LIKE training hard with weights and pushing my body to the limit. I don’t like feeling like a hamster on a wheel with endless cardio/HIIT, but I do enjoy biking (anywhere, any time) and running (mostly in nature) for fun. I LOVE being active and will choose grueling physical work over ass sitting any day of the week. I HATE dieting, though! Actually, I was a fatty once for a little while. I went on a "diet" and lost 50 pounds in 6 months, but that was easy because I got to eat more filling things, more carbs, and took plenty of cheat meals. I knew I could get back on track after the cheat meals and they wouldn’t hurt me as long as I kept going and ate clean/healthy around 90% of the time. I wasn’t trying to meet a deadline or look amazing on stage. I just wanted to be back to my high school size again. If I wanted a little somethin’ unhealthy, I’d eat it and figure it into my macros. Piece of cake. Keeping the weight off was a piece of cake, too, as I stayed active and could still HAVE a piece of freakin’ cake every now and then. This is far, far more difficult.

Sometimes, I feel tortured, but let me share the up side:

I can ride my bike up very steep hills on top gear due to all the intense squatting, leg pressing, and HIIT on top incline that I do.

I can run for a very, very long time at a consistant pace due to all the endurance training I’ve done.

I can effortlessly open any jar and am frequently the go-to person when some of my female friends need someone strong and a boyfriend/other male presence is not available.

I can persevere at so many other things in life. Hard day at work? Easy. 100 mile bike ride? That’s nothing. Practicing music for hours until it’s perfect? Sure. Bodybuilding has taught me to strive for perfection in a way that many people will never know. Excellence is required in all that I do and I think bodybuilding is partially to thank for that.

I look pretty good and I am only going to look better. I’ll have a week of perfect pictures.

I’m glad I’m doing this, even if just to say I did it. The answer to whether I’ll do another contest when this one is over really depends on the second, but most of all, I am doing this for me.

Since Monday, I’ve gotten up, done HIIT for 45 minutes, rode my bike to work, rode my bike from work to the gym, worked out 1-2 hours with weights, and rode my bike home. I’m proud of myself. I know I will have to continue going the extra mile (literally?) in order to make up for that cheat night (in the long haul), but I don’t care. It was way, way worth it.

I’ve been sentenced to 12 hour work days, as my boss is going away for a few days and I am second in command. I am also behind, as my hours were drastically cut until my boss realized he needed me and that saving money at my expense was ultimately costing him. This would be something to rejoice over IF I wasn’t preparing for a contest, training 2-3 hours a day, and working towards a degree. It’s just too much, I say, as I wonder how much more caffeine I can consume before I’m completely desensitized to it. I say it’s too much. I whine. But I do it anyway. I push it like my life depends on it, as I hope to one day have a full-time career in the fitness industry. I’m not expecting to be a full-time bodybuilder; that’s a bit far fetched; BUT I am aware that by doing well in contests and getting myself shredded, I am promoting a good image for myself and opening up new doors.

Aaaaand… even if I decided "eff it, I’m not going to compete!," I’d STILL want the super shredded "hot bod" that competitors have, SO I might as well just take it to the stage.

Just writing this has made me smile now. Blogging is so liberating.

For those who don’t already know:
I’m not going to enter a contest in two weeks afterall. I simply didn’t have enough time to prepare. I was told by a bunch of people at the gym seven weeks ago that I could "get in contest shape with no problem" during that time frame and against my better judgment, I listened to them. Seven weeks is not enough to go from 18% body fat to contest lean (8-10%, 11% just to place most of the time). I’m 14-15% right now (not NEARLY lean enough… yes lean and ripped for an ordinary person, but not stage condition at all) and suspect that in 7.5 MORE weeks, I will probably be 10-11% for the Gainesville contest. That was what I was originally preparing for, anyway — if I thought I was going to be competing in St. Augustine, I would have given myself WAY more time.

Some people have called me a wuss for this and asked, "How do you know you’re not going to back out again?" I’m thinking, "Hey dumbasses, I was initially planning to compete in Gainesville only, so I’m just following through with my original plan. If you believe this is so easy, then you should at least attempt it, too." Of course, they won’t, and they’ll give retarded excuses as to why. Thankfully, most have been supportive of my decision, even if they don’t personally agree.

I’m no longer on edge about dieting now that I know I won’t be competing for 7.5 more weeks. My diet is pretty much the same, but my attitude is so much better. I pushed the psycho 16 year old girl away and replaced her with a sensible, grown woman.

Things keeping me sane right now:
Diet Canfield’s Cherry Chocolate Fudge Soda
Flavored coffee (Joffrey’s Chocolate Butterscotch with Nut Undertones, Mello Joy Southern Pecan, and Godiva: Chocolate Creme and Vanilla Hazelnut)

and, most importantly:

Reminding myself that every day is for myself. FOR myself, not AGAINST myself. I am making a point of doing something for myself every day, even if it is small. Today, I fixed one of my computers and went rollerblading. Tomorrow, I am going to go to the arcade at the mall and rehash fond middle school memories. Maybe I’ll even challenge an emo kid at DDR…

Contest dieting is really getting to my head and I feel like I’m on nonstop PMS. Speaking of PMS (WARNING to those not wanting to know things: scroll down a couple lines), the last time I got my rag (last week), it was late and when it arrived, I …barely…got…it. Like, I was spotting a TINY bit for two days, and then it was gone. I still felt all the hormonal fluctuations, but the bloody mess was not present.

I have never been more in touch with my emotions than I am right now. Since I’m not a bitchole, bitchunt, or bitchwad, I’ve been nice to everybody and have internalized my emotions, instead. Before, I could shove my feelings aside without much of a problem, but now I find myself constantly facing them. I’ve gotten so good at biting my tongue that I’m surprised there’s any tongue left TO bite. Eeh, a lack of a tongue wouldn’t be so bad right now, anyway; that way, I’d be devoid of taste buds!

I am doing keto for these last two weeks with extra lifting and extra cardio in hopes to speed things along and get me shredded as soon as possible. Desperate times call for desperate measures and I feel I am flabbier than I want to be two weeks out. Instead of stressing, I am taking action and hoping that the action will produce some sort of reward. If it doesn’t, I’m not going to walk away angry; I’ll wish myself better luck in the Gainesville contest and remind myself that after all, this is my first contest, this is a hobby, AND this is supposed to be FUN. Plus, one of my best friends is going to be there with me cheering me on!

Who knows… I may just be too hard on myself and my competitors may actually look flabbier than I do (highly doubted, but I like to stay positive sometimes…)

1.If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2.If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3.When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

4.Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5.If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6.Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

7.Cookie pieces contain no fat– the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8.Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9.Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10.Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

11. Foods eaten while watching a major event on television do not count. Major events include: Superbowl, Hockey Finals, Indy 500, Jerry Springer show.

12. Powerbars and other type energy bars make you thinner. In all my years of exercising (at least three times a year) I have only seen thin people eating energy bars. Ergo (therefore) they must make you thin.

13. Snickers is the same as an energy bar (see #12)

14. Tasting other people’s food does not add to your calorie count.

15. Containers of food that list the number of servings as greater one are lying. Every container includes one serving. Half gallon of ice cream, box of cereal, bottle of soda, bag of chips are all one serving.

16. Splitting an appetizer or dessert is the equivalent of licking a knife or spoon. You’re barely having any, and you KNOW your dining companion ate way more than half!

18. Whatever you just ordered at that restaurant is healthy, as long as it has "salad" in its name.

19. If the recipe to a dish or dessert is older than your grandmother, it does not have calories, as your grandmother was alive before they existed.

20. If it is "whole grain" or "organic" it has no calories. Calories are added during processing.

21. Food that you do not pay for has no calories.

I have acquired a bit of a recent obsession with taking pictures of my abs. See, I can liken it to a teenage boy who just started having sex: he never HAD sex before, so he’s SO excited. He’s incredibly horny and wants to do it ALL THE TIME. He even gropes his girlfriend in public because he’s SO EXCITED that he actually HAS one! He feels like a kid in a candy store whenever she’s around; he just wants to unwrap her and reveal his own package. 

That’s me, but with my abs. My stomach (along with love handles region) has always been my #1 fat storage spot. I will have bulging biceps lightly wrapped with outlines of veins, "show ready" thighs, anatomy chart-style calves, and obvious pecs before I lose the jiggle on my stomach. This is quite frustrating, really - I will see these chicks on here at 17-19% body fat with killer abs (they usually don’t have the other things I mentioned, but they still have KILLER ABS) and think, "HEY! That’s NOT FAIR!" For me, obtaining abs is something that requires A LOT of hard work. If I eat one little morsel of non clean food or go over my calories, I might as well watch my abs get washed away by the fat waterfall. I’m almost scared to eat crap food after my contests are done because I want the abs to stay. *LOL* I’m now picturing myself eating one bite of cheesecake and then running for an hour on the tredmill like those crazy valley girls.

In other contest dieting-related news, I am trying as hard as I can to avoid social events. I went to my friend’s 21st birthday party the other night and stayed out until 2 (weeknight… man, I was tired). I’m not sure what was worse: being stone cold sober while everyone else was plastered out of their minds, watching everyone eat cake and ice cream as I drank water, or driving drunks home and having one throw up on the side of my truck. Parties are tough for me these days, and I have to constantly remind myself that people who drink and eat "party food" while preparing for a contest usually are not the ones who win!

Seeing junk food causes this agitated sensation to arrive within. It’s hard to explain, but I get the sudden urge to curse it, along with whoever made it, whoever eats it, and whoever even stares at it. I didn’t even eat junk much before competing (most of it does not taste that great, it’s loaded with odd chemicals when I’ve always tried to eat clean, and massive greasy stuff + my stomach = "Crap, I gotta make a visit to the little girls’ room"…), but we all know that we tend to want what we can’t have.

Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling agitated and anxious. “I have SO much to DO. Contest preparation, social functions, and, of course, work have all taken their toll on me and I just want to sleep forever! Right now, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, but I’m unable to support it. See, my shoulders are sore because I worked them last night and my legs are sore because I worked THEM the day before. Crap,” I thought, as I buried my face in my saliva-drenched pillow. Yup, I was dreaming of ice cream again. I actually woke up licking my pillow once, but at least I wasn’t EATING my pillow. I’m really thankful that I’m not a sleepwalker/mystery sleep-eater, too.

I used to walk past the bakery at Publix, smell the aroma of pastries, and move on. Now, I avoid the entire section of the store for fear of punching the baker in the face, cursing those who are ordering those lovely treats, and robbing the whole thing. This little hobby of mine has consumed me. I’m a voluntary slave to my own body, constantly fighting its urges and needs to achieve an uncomfortably low body fat percentage.

Every day, I watch my face transform from my tanned, healthy complexion into rotating shades of pink, red, and purple. I watch the veins pop out of places I never even knew I had ‘em. I sweat so much that I appear to have walked out of a rainstorm and I smell like an ammonia factory. My hair looks more greasy than a car mechanic’s. It’s not pretty. It’s not sexy. I don’t care; I’m preparing for a competition; I don’t have time to primp. Besides, what is the point of styling my hair and putting on make-up when I’m going to ruin it anyway? That will just end up making my skin break out and leaving a permanent sting in my eyes.

Yesterday, I had a minor breakdown, which almost caused me to quit bodybuilding. I was at a fork-in-the-road moment and tried calling some friends and family to talk it over, but no one was available to answer their phones. I am thankful for that now, as today, I woke up happier and more focused than ever! I tied notes between the handles of my cupboards. The first one says:

"Don’t cry, just do it. Eat like your competition, but cleaner. Train like your competition, but smarter. Pose like your competition, but with better execution. Win like your competition… wait, they don’t win, YOU DO!
ONE slip-up during these next few weeks and you’re TOAST, but if you DO EVERYTHING RIGHT, you may win. And if you don’t win, you won’t embarrass yourself like you will if you’re flabby on stage.
BE PROUD of yourself; do this by NOT screwing up."

The second:
"You have big muscles and GREAT potential. You just need to lean out a little more. You can get there by following your diet EXACTLY as outlined. Don’t disappoint yourself. Don’t disappoint your friends. Don’t disappoint your fellow bodybuilders. Don’t disappoint everyone you inspire. Don’t disappoint everyone you know who wants to see you win. Don’t disappoint your acquaintances. Don’t disappoint everyone who thinks your hobby is cool. Don’t disappoint the judges on competition day. Don’t disappoint the readers of your blog. Don’t disappoint the people you secretly inspire but haven’t told you. Don’t disappoint those who inspire you. DON’T disappoint YOURSELF!"