Downtown Dive/Re-dedication to my health
I’ll be completely honest (hah, when am I not? Some say it is a virtue, others believe it is a fault!): I’ve been treating my body like a downtown dive all week, and this has to stop. I’m putting an end to it today. The look and smell of chocolate, alcohol, all sugary things, all fried things, and pizza just makes me want to vomit. This is a good thing — I won’t be consuming any more CRAP for awhile! I really think I had to get all these yucky desires out of my system, so to speak, before moving forward with my new fitness goals and getting back on track with living a TRULY HEALTHY lifestyle. My body is swollen with ridiculous amounts of water retention, my stomach hurts (hell, everything hurts, but my stomach especially), I have massive acid reflux, and I can’t wait to start feeling GOOD again. Feeling GOOD comes with healthy habits. One of my friends told me, "Aidyn, you’ve just been eating like the average American this week." I thought to myself, "If the average American eats like this, how in the world does he or she function? Geesh, everyone must have stomach problems, then!"
Today, I rode my bike to work. I will be riding it from work to the gym and then from the gym home. I planned out all my food and will be eating according to my plan, even IF I feel hungry. If I eat every time I am hungry, I will blow up quickly. I am determined to slowly but surely kill the Ethiopian child within. Wait, I’m not going to kill the child; I’m going to send this child somewhere else; the idea of murdering a child, imaginary or otherwise, is a bit too barbaric for my tastes 
I don’t know what my "real" weight is right now. I will determine this (along with my body fat percentage) after a week of healthy eating and good exercise. Then, I will assign myself some new goals and move on with my life. That’s a strange sentence, really. I am SO used to NOT having a LIFE outside of work and bodybuilding that it is mindblowing to think about all the other things I could be doing. I am so used to intense, long workouts that I feel disappointed in myself if I don’t do them for such durations.
On Sunday, my best friend since middle school is coming down to visit me. Instead of having a crapfoodandbingedrinkingfest, I am going to continue being healthy. It’s going to be quite a challenge, as I know she will want to eat lots of not-so-healthy things, drink, and party on most nights, but I do NOT have to do whatever SHE IS DOING. My health has not been my priority for around half the year now (while preparing for contest, the quest for that "perfectly shredded" body overtook my desire to treat my body with respect, then I went buckwild as I just mentioned), but it damn well should be and it is never too late to start. Realistically, the most I could have gained is around five pounds, and I can get rid of five pounds in 2-4 weeks! 
I also have to remind myself that those in my life who love me will love me REGARDLESS of my weight or body composition. Those who find me attractive won’t suddenly think I’ve become a cow because I gained a miniscule amount of weight. It’s kind of discouraging to see my body fat creep up to "healthy" levels (and watch everything smooth out in the process), but if I couldn’t maintain an unhealthy body fat number for even a week (lowest I got was around 11% — healthy for some, still not lean enough for a bodybuilding competition, but my body was fighting me too much to go any further), what in the world makes me think I could do it for a lifetime? Goals should be realistic. I always wanted to look like a bodybuilding competitor all year long and used those ladies as my inspiration for the perfect body, but uh… if they only look that way for a week, what in the world makes me think I can look that way for a year? I can’t. And I won’t try. I have always desired an unobtainable physique (as a teenager, I just wanted to look like skinny celebrities… I got to that point — fluctuating between 110 and 115 pounds /right at the tip of the underweight iceburg for 5′6" and a medium to large frame — and stayed there for awhile, but I had eating disorders) and I am not going to be that way anymore.
Today marks a form of re-dedication to my life and my health. I was very healthy, very fit, very strong, and very happy once. I can be that way again.
August 7, 2009 at 7:56 pm
I understand your fight.
I thought I could do what I did in my youth and maintain a sub 10%BF without an awful lot of effort. I’ve been knocking on it’s door for a few months now and it does not want to let me in.
I wonder both for myself and for you, how much of what is keeping me from it is what I am doing vs what I am.
Still working on that.