The Self-Love Journey of an Amateur

I’m not going to be entering a contest anymore. This is my personal decision and I hope no one is disappointed in me… if you are, tough crap, because it’s my body, not yours. DISCLAIMER: I know some people do competitive bodybuilding and LOVE IT. More power to those who do. I commend all of you who have successfully made it to the stage. It may be for you, and if it is, you have my support and respect, but it is not for me.

I went through nearly half a year of torture dieting. I have been very health conscious for YEARS and always had good habits regarding food — several small meals a day, each with a complete protein, a healthy fat, and a complex carb; most processed foods are avoided; I rarely ever drink or eat crap food; I eat the right amount to maintain a healthy weight; and none of this is or was ever bothersome or sacrificial to me — nutrition and fitness is my worldly passion and forte, SO for ME to say something is TORTURE DIETING, it must be REALLY BAD… alright?

Yes. Horrible. See, at first, I cut all carbs out of my diet except for before and after my workouts. This made me unable to think throughout the work day unless I did all my training in the morning. It wasn’t TERRIBLE, though. Sure, I got brain fog, but I usually would tough it out, wake up extra early, and do my thing. As I got closer to contest, I only ate carbs two days out of the week, usually on Wednesday and Saturday or Sunday. Still, only before and after my workout. This made me more miserable, but I kept remembering something: “I will have a week of perfect pictures and will look awesome on stage. I AM A CHAMPION RAWRRRRRRR!!!!” As the weeks progressed, my body began to fight me. I experienced HORRIBLE, massive cravings. The brain fog was UNBEARABLE. I could barely perform simple tasks at work. My professional life was becoming massively jeoparadized. I ended up getting some extra hours which I would normally be thankful for, but since I was in contest preparation mode, I severely resented them.

Yet I persevered. Soon, despite ALL THE MISERY I was putting myself through, I hit a fat loss plateau. I decided to completely remove carbs from my diet, with the exception of strictly fiberous ones like green vegetables. The only things I ate were chicken, tuna, spinach, olive oil, egg whites, and almonds. My body fat continued to slowly drop, but I screwed up my system and stopped getting my period. By this time, my brain was inoperable. I got to points sometimes where I couldn’t even carry on a normal conversation. I frequently paused mid-sentence and completely forgot everything I was saying. I had trouble focusing even on things I enjoyed. I had no energy for my workouts, but pushed my nerves to bang out the iron 2 hours a day (1-2 more for cardio) out of pure willpower.

The worst part is that on the inside, I wasn’t a very nice person. I am, by default, very easy going, yet contest dieting turned me into a bitch. I still smiled and treated everyone with respect, but I was thinking negative, snarky thoughts every five seconds. I would have moments where EVERYTHING EVERYONE SAID just got on my nerves. I wanted to say “shut your pie hole” to every person who accidentally crossed me at the wrong time. I lost my sense of humor, my charisma, and my positive outlook on life. I became anti-social and blew off friends, parties, and social gatherings. “What’s the f*$kin’ point?,” I thought to myself, “I can’t eat anything anyway, I can’t drink, and watching everyone partake in these things I can’t do just makes me miserable.”

I was stuck in my own prison; held hostage and detained by my own guidelines. I started to constantly ask myself, “Why am I doing this?” and slowly, the bad began to outweigh the good. As a teenager, I struggled with eating disorders for years. I got older, resolved them to the best of my abilities, and developed a very healthy relationship with food. Bodybuilding destroyed this. Suddenly, I noticed my fierce obsession with food and control had taken over my mind again. I began to emotionally revert back to my sixteen year old self. I cried frequently… alone, of course, as I do not like to appear vulnerable and find it embarrassing to unleash emotions around people. I was angry and depressed, hoping all the suffering would be worth it in the end.

Now, I’m like an Ethiopian child who just got rescued and brought to the states. I am CONSTANTLY HUNGRY. I have tried everything from planning my meals exactly (which I do anyway) to drinking a sip of water after every bite to waiting 30 minutes and nothing works. My body constantly cries out “FEEEEED MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!” like I haven’t tasted a morsel in days. I used to always have some sort of parasympathetic response that told me “JUST STOP EATING” when I didn’t need any more food. Most people have this. I no longer do, because contest dieting killed it for me. I am sure it will come back after some regular, healthy, normal/non-contest eating. I’ll just tough out the hunger. I can handle physical hunger, anyway - it’s the brain fog that gets me.

On top of the physical suffering, the hours and hours of training really cut into my work life. My JOB is where I make the money to even PAY FOR my super expensive so-called hobby. I was putting that on the back burner and letting bodybuilding take priority, which is unacceptable. I am a project manager, so I am in charge of a lot of things and a lot of people. The brain fog caused me to make some dumb mistakes. Thankfully, they didn’t ruin anything, but I believe I got lucky (actually, blessed), as they easily could have. I like working out for hours when I have the time, but if I have to work unexpected hours, I don’t want to be pissed off because they cut into my training time.

In short, there is more to life for me. I can stay in fantastic shape, still have killer legs, buff biceps, and rockin’ abs all year ’round WITHOUT contest dieting and still maintain my HEALTH, well-being, and SANITY. My body is by no means perfect, but I believe I can improve it without preparing for a contest. Some bodybuilders gain a significant amount of weight in the “off season” and now I know why. For some people, it isn’t torture and it really is fun. Others just do it because they want one week of looking really good. I don’t want a week. I want a lifetime. I don’t want to only look good “in season”; I don’t want to have to diet for a photo shoot; I want to look and MOST IMPORTANTLY FEEL my best all the time. Now, I KNOW some people are NOT miserable during contest dieting… I KNOW others just see it as a sign of victory to be hungry… I don’t… I see it as a sign of “FEED ME!” I also know some bodybuilders look AMAZING all year long… I REALLY respect those because I know it takes a certain amount of willpower just to look good in general (a bearable extent, really) AND THEN on top of that, an EXTREME amount of willpower to endure the torture (or for some people, just plain dieting) for however many weeks they do it… and I know there are others who just follow the diet all year and just get a little more extreme when it’s time to cut down… I just can’t. Maybe one day I will,  but right now, I can’t. I surrender. I am by no means dissing the sport; I am saying how I personally feel about it. I may have done something wrong in my contest prep. I may just suck at being able to tolerate physical challenges. Contest dieting may not affect others the way it did me. I don’t know…