The Self-Love Journey of an Amateur

Today, my boss cracked open a beer and put it on my desk for me to drink. I like beer and always associate it with relaxation and good times. I thanked him for being considerate but told him he could drink the beer. He’s aware that I’m preparing for a contest, but like most people, he is unaware of what all that entails. In the past 3 weeks, I’ve turned down ice cream, pizza, beer, cookies, brownies, cake, and chips. I’ve gone out to bars and clubs with friends and not touched a single thing except water. I’ve gone out to fast food joints, ordered Diet Coke, and watched friends chow down. I’m going to be going to a pool party this Friday where there will be pizza and beer, and I’m not having a damn bit.

I’m not upset about this, either. For a little while, I stopped having a social life, overtrained, and dedicated my life almost entirely to bodybuilding, until I found out I could be just as devoted and in fact MORE productive if I stopped ditching my friends! Perhaps I should clarify that what I meant by "irrationally strict" in my previous post was not allowing yourself to eat a little extra (good, clean) food if your stomach is growling ferociously and preventing you from sleeping, not allowing yourself a little extra (good, clean) food if you’re experiencing brain fog so severe that you can’t concentrate on your day to day activities, and not allowing yourself a little extra (good, clean) food when you’re experiencing hypoglycemia-like symptoms. I was THAT hard on myself for awhile, and for me, "lightening up" was allowing myself extra (good, clean) food in times where I needed it.

I rarely do cheat meals (in fact, I haven’t yet and I don’t think I plan on it) because they ruin my focus. I don’t want to do anything that will prevent me from winning these contests. Now, if I don’t win, my posing suit bottoms won’t be in a bunch about it, but it goes without saying that victory is my ultimate goal.

My sister said I was the most annoyingly embarrassing person to ever go out to eat with due to all my special requests. Oh well. I’d rather embarrass myself than look fat on stage! I’ve gone as far as to make up stories about gall bladder surgery and grease allergies due to waiters, waitresses, and cooks not doing what I ask. Thankfully, I do not order food at restaurants very often.

More amusingly:
There’s this guy at my gym who just throws down the weights, kicks water bottles across the floor, and shouts at members who are using the equipment he wants to use. He’s pretty large (in a very muscular sort of way) and sometimes I wonder if he’s got roid rage.

*Says in a tongue-in-cheek-like manner* I was reading some of my past entries and shall now inform you of what I gathered. I believe this is how I really feel: 
DIET: Disallowing Imperfections Equals Trouble. Definitely Inviting Eternal Torment. Don’t Imagine Eating Treats. Depriving Intentionally Everything Tasty. Alright, I’m having far too much fun with this!

Humor is essential. I’m rather appaled at how HARD on myself I can be! I basically set myself up for failure by delivering a good mental beating if I don’t follow through to an impossibly perfect extent. I’ve stopped this crazy thinking, and here’s why:

Bodybuilding is largely mental. Don’t we always use clichés like, "if you can dream it, you can be it" and "all you need is focus"? I thought I had that "focused" bit DOWN until I realized the OTHER part of being FOCUSED that some of us seem to FORGET is the IMPORTANCE of being POSITIVE! We are fierce, determined, beautiful people on a mission to develop our bodies and show off our stuff… for fun! At a show, our biggest mission is to showcase our hard work AND entertain the crowd with our rockin’ physiques and unique posing routines. Sometimes, between intense dieting and grueling workouts, we forget crucially important details:

*For most of us, this is a hobby. Again, FUN. We aren’t making a career out of this. Even if we go pro, we will probably still have day jobs of some sort. No one forced us into this; we chose it for ourselves. Stop being so freakin’ serious! Don’t get me wrong, when I work out, I am in the ZONE, but those bodybuilders who bust a gut and grunt to hell who can’t bother to crack a smile even pre or post workout really amuse me. Take a freakin’ chill pill. For real.

*Whether you win or place in a competition is not a life or death situation. Obviously, you want to do well, but don’t sacrifice your happiness for it. If you consistantly make yourself miserable while bodybuilding, find another hobby. If you start to think you’re not show-ready because you’re not perfect, remember that no one is and you may look just as good or better than your competitors (especially after you’re super dark and oiled up!), so give it a chance.

*Don’t be irrationally strict, as that only leads to stress and failure.

*I am slowly discovering that I CAN prepare for a bodybuilding competition and have a life. Excessive training is useless. Sure, having a life is harder, especially since all my friends love going out and drinking, but I’m trying to hang out with them apart from night life settings. I don’t have much of a night life right now, but that’s my choice. If I’m around booze, there is a 50/50 chance that I might drink(for me, drinking leads to an uninhibited appetite, too… BAD), so I just avoid it entirely.

The next time you feel discouraged about your body, remind yourself that you will one day be where you want to be. If you are like me and therefore prone to being irrational, remind yourself that while you may be imperfect, so is everybody else. The next time you feel that your physique is lacking, go to the mall and you’ll be sure to smile. Remember… by being a bodybuilder, you are doing something most people do not have the desire, determination, dedication, or intestinal fortitude to accomplish. Regardless of WHERE you are on your journey, HOW you look on a given day, or HOW you place on stage, remember that… and… don’t forget that the day it completely stops being fun is the day to discover something else to occupy your time.

**I posted this on my MySpace and Facebook blogs and figured I’d share it with everyone here, as well. If anyone wants to use any of these words the next time someone makes a dumb assumption about bodybuilders and bodybuilding, feel free.**

I overtrained earlier this week while suddenly depleting all my carbs/attempting ketogenic diet and made myself very, very sick. Then, I realized I need to change my approach:

See, right now, I am burning 2,500-3,000 calories on most days. Starting out with a deficit (on average) of 1,300-1,500 calories a day just isn’t healthy. Sure, it will cause fairly rapid weight loss, but it will also cause malnutrition and leave me with the possibility of muscle loss.

Muscle loss is BAD! My number one priority ALONG with fat loss should be PRESERVING my precious muscle mass. I’ve got decent size in my biceps, thighs, and calves, along with being rock solid pretty much everywhere (yup, you can poke me on the side of my stomach and wonder where my rib cage ends). I just need to be more *defined*. Shredded. Cut.

I’m going to stop worrying so much about the number on the scale and just focus on seeing increased definition. I will still keep a caloric deficit (you have to in order to drop fat), but it will be one of around 500-800 calories per day (1,000 at MOST). Until I reach the 8 weeks out point, I will allow myself one day per week where I can have a treat and another separate day where I don’t do weight training.

I’m sure weight loss will come, and I will make it into the lightweight category, but even if I don’t, I’m not going to care as long as I look amazing and meet my bodyfat goal.

It’s funny how my bodybuilding dietary guidelines are etched into my mind almost like a hardcoded moral system. I was going into the convenience store to get an energy drink and walked past aisles of goodies. I didn’t look twice at ‘em because my subconscious knew they were off limits. Then, I thought, "Wow… all these rules… I have so many of them, which makes it ironic that I could quit any time."

I thought about the time in my life before bodybuilding; back in the day when I could eat whatever I wanted and as long as I didn’t eat TOO MUCH, I didn’t have to worry about being fat; a time when a beer after a hard day’s work was allowed and well-deserved; when eating ice cream 2-3 times a week wasn’t excessive "cheating"; before grueling 2+ hour workouts occured in my life (now, I’d ride my bike 2-5 hours sometimes, but it didn’t wear me out or make me sore because I ride ALL the TIME); back when skipping a workout was perfectly okay; back when…

…uh, when I was an ordinary person who just liked keeping fit for health reasons and when my job otherwise ruled my life.

Ordinary. That’s never an adjective I like to use when describing myself. Sure, I could quit any time, but then I would be throwing away an attainable dream. Yes, it’s hard work. All big dreams are. Yes, I’m scared shitless that I could get laughed off the stage, look horrible on competition day, look ridiculous striking the poses, or any other combination of 374903247903274 silly fears. Yes, today I am struggling with negative thoughts, but that’s just part of being a human being.

It’s difficult to dedicate the amount of time necessary to be a successful bodybuilder while still having a day job and a social life, but it is obviously not impossible since so many people have done it. Yes, I’d love to just be a bodybuilder and personal trainer full time, but in this economy, that’s just not rational. Yes, I know people who do it, but they are much more established and experienced than I am, so I need my day job. Yes, sometimes, my day job sucks. It was my life before bodybuilding. I was at the office, doing odd jobs, arriving in the morning, leaving late, getting everything imaginable done and THEN SOME, which really pleased my boss. Now, my performance is just not up to that speed. It can’t be right now, unless I want to make myself sick and tired.

Time to suck it up and get back to work. That’s all.

Oh… today was back/shoulders/triceps day. *Laughs*
OH OH OH… no, I’m not quitting.

My legs are so sore that it even hurts to stand. Oh well, it’s no big deal!

Today is chest day, which means I’m doing a circuit involving bench pressing on regular, incline, and decline benches, flys on the same, bicep curls (eeh, not so much chest, but I’m clumping it in), flys standing up, and chest press, in addition to my usual 60-90 minutes of bike riding. Yeah, I know, my legs are sore and I’m still ridin’, I’m just riding at a lower intensity today.

I’ve been fighting the hunger monster today, too. He seems to come out every other day like clockwork. I just remind myself that this is merely a hormonal thing and to ignore it because caving in would mean losing control. I am going to eat my scheduled meals at their scheduled times and nothing extra unless it’s an emergency like yesterday.

Meal 1: Egg beater omlette (1/2 a carton) with tomatoes, peppers, spices, and spinach
Meal 2: AdvantEDGE Carb Control protein bar (chocolate peanut butter)
Meal 3: 4 oz salmon fillet, steamed broccoli with garlic and spices (and a good rinse with Listerine after that! haha!)
Meal 4: More of the same
Meal 5: 4 oz chicken breast with teriyaki sauce and stir fry vegetables

Pre-workout: just an energy drink this time
Post-workout: AdvantEDGE Carb Control protein shake chocolate fudge

Total: 1,570 calories

Oh… I’m pretty sure I am going to be bored of teriyaki stir fries, broccoli, and spinach one day, but right now it’s all good. The day I get bored of teriyaki stuff, I’ll just make baked chicken marinated with lime juice and garlic (along with some pepper and a little Mrs Dash).

My blood sugar got really low today, which gave me a brief sense of discouragement because I ended up drinking Coke to bring it back up, but oh well… to put things into perspective, I know it isn’t perfect, but A) it’s only 150 calories/less than one tenth of my total intake and B) lack of glucose to brain cells = #@$#$*)$*SPLATYOULOSEGAMEOVER*)#@$&*#$)&! 

Other news? I’m a bit sore, but that is never bad unless I’m injured. Today was leg day, which meant my usual 10×10+20 on squats, and a circuit including extensions (both front and rear), leg pressing, deep knee bends, and that thing where I put the bar on my shoulders, step up on a bench, step down, and repeat with the other leg. My shoulders have funny little marks on them, and the reason I say they’re funny is because it looks like I have massive hickeys on both sides.

Meal 1: Egg white omlette with veggies and 4 oz salmon
Meal 2: BSN Lean Dessert
Meal 3: 6 oz grilled chicken breast, baby spinach, lite vinegarette dressing
Meal 4: 4 oz albacore tuna seasoned with Smart Balance mayo, onions, garlic salt, and tomatoes on lettuce
Meal 5: Same thing… yeah, boring, I know, but it’s easy

Pre-workout: Atkins S’Mores bar, energy drink
Post-workout: AdvantEDGE Carb Control protein shake chocolate fudge
…aaaand the unexpected Coke. Hah.

Total: 1,670 calories

Oh! Last night I went out to a pizza joint with some friends and got a garden salad with chicken and dressing on the side. Thankfully, they didn’t put any cheese or crutons in it (I normally request no cheese, no crutons, no other fattening crap). They gave me two very yummy looking garlic-y, buttery rolls on the side, and I gave them both away before I could even touch ‘em. Then, I hung out at one of their houses and drank water as everyone else drank beer. Thankfully, I have friends who are very supportive of my bodybuilding competition, so no one was trying to coax me into screwing up. Now, I have other groups of friends who WOULD want me to break my diet because they find it amusing/don’t understand the demands of competing/want me to be drunk/high/eating junk with them, but I am trying to avoid those types right now.

Heck, even if I DO have to deal with them, I know winning my competition is more important than one night of binge eating/binge drinking!

Amusingly enough, I dreamt of beer last night.

And whenever I ride my bike past Krispy Kreme, I take a good, long whiff because it makes me feel like I’m eating those donuts vicariously through everyone else. *Mischevious halo face*

I dreamt I ate a huge ice cream cake that TGI Fridays made especially for me. Oh, and oddly enough, it was sugar free. *Snickers* I said I was going to eat that in place of a real meal, so while friends were eating chicken fingers and pasta, I was hackin’ away at dairy delish.

THANK GOD it was just a DREAM!

I kicked ass yesterday and am going to kick equal ass today. It’s like I have this switch in my mind and once I flip it, that’s that. It wasn’t fully flipped until the "16 weeks out" mark happened. Oh. I weigh 132 today instead of 133 and am 17% fat. It’s funny how those things fluctuate from day to day, so to make sure my results are accurate, I am not going to weigh myself or measure my fat until next Saturday.

Meal 1: Protein pancakes (oatmeal + egg whites + sugar free syrup and cinnamon on top… gotta give Ava Cowan credit for that one)
Meal 2: BSN Lean Dessert Protein Shake
Meal 3: Salad with mixed greens, 4 oz chicken breast, 1 serving of walnuts, and fat free vinegarette dressing
Meal 4: (Pre-workout) Zone Perfect Bar, energy drink
Meal 5: (Post-worout) AdvantEDGE Carb Control protein shake, chocolate fudge flavor
Meal 6: 6 oz chicken breast stuffed with spinach, garlic, herbs, and pine nuts, cauliflour rice (steam cauliflower, put it in a food processor, season it with whatever you like — that one is from Colette Nelson)

The total caloric intake for my day is around 1,550. 1,500-1,600 is my target range right now, AND if I come up short for any reason, I will eat until I reach 1,500 because I want to maintain consistancy. I used to make this mistake where I’d just not eat for the rest of the day because I wasn’t hungry even though my caloric needs had not really been met. Sometimes, I would do this for two days in a row, and on the third day (wow, I almost sound prophetic!), my APPETITE would rise again from the dead and I’d eat like an Ethiopian who just stepped off the plan to arrive in America.

Workout:
Today is back/shoulders/triceps day, so my workout is as follows:

30 minute jog/walk combo
1 hour of riding my bike at 12-13 MPH
Pull downs: 10 sets 10 reps (and one set of 20 in there at a lighter weight)
Lat pull downs: 10 sets 10 reps (and one set of 20 in there at a lighter weight)
Shrugs: See above for reps
Barbell shoulder rolls (err… where you grip the barbell and roll your shoulders around)
Rear overhead press: 10 sets 10 reps/none of the 20 rep stuff
Dead lifts: See above, 20 included

My weight and body fat are not in my favor right now, but it is my own fault. I also am about to start my time of the month, but I’m not going to use the bloating as an excuse for the weight or fat I gained (hey, it could work to my advantage — next week I could be down 4 pounds and 2 fat points *LOL*).

I’m 133 pounds, 18% body fat. What is very bizarre is that my abs look better than they did when I was at 16%… wait, that is not too bizarre… ’cause my BOOBS GREW! A lot of girls would be stoked about this, I know, but boobs are just body fat and I need all my body fat to go way down. I know 12% is the right-on-the-edge of being healthy number, but I REALLY want to be 8-10% when I compete.

Meal 1: 1 slice of "Fitness Bread" (it’s this awesome stuff you can buy in the organic aisle; it’s very natural and has no flour of any kind) with 6 slices of lean turkey breast, 1 small apple
Meal 2: BSN Lean Dessert Protein Shake
Meal 3: 4 oz chicken breast with stir fry vegetables (it comes in a frozen bag, haha) and teriyaki sauce
Meal 4: Baby spinach salad with 6 oz chicken breast and southwestern seasoning, fat free raspberry vinegarette dressing
Meal 5: (Pre-workout) Zone Perfect Bar… and an energy drink (Sugar Free Amp)
Post-workout: AdvantEDGE Carb Control protein shake chocolate fudge flavor
Meal 6: 4 oz smoked salmon with stir fry vegetables in pesto basil sauce

The total comes out to 1,500 calories. I may eat something else that is 100 calories or less, as I have decided I am going to start aiming for 1,500-1,600 before I work my way down. I know from past weight loss experience that if you start out too low, once you hit a plateau, you have nowhere to go. I also want to make sure I lose body fat and not precious muscle mass.

Workout - today is abs and cardio day:
30 minutes HIIT on the tredmill varying 3-8 MPH on top incline
60 minutes riding my bike at 12-14 MPH (time does not include stopping at any light, etc)
Cable crunches - 4 sets of 20 reps
Ab lounge/Jack Knife motion - 4 sets of 20 reps
Weighted leg raises - 5 sets of 10 reps
Scissor motion - 4 sets of 20 reps
Crunches - 2 sets of 25 reps in slow motion
Decline leg raises - 4 sets of 20 reps
Then, I do 1 set of 10-20 reps for a few other exercises that I’m too lazy to look up or describe. My bad.

I have always done some form of cardio every day for at least an hour and plan to continue until I get very close to competition. Then, I will replace some of that cardio with posing practice.

Ok, self, no more playing around. Tomorrow is time to say goodbye to Dairy Queen, Krispy Kreme, Hershey, Ben, Jerry, and beer. No, that does not mean I am going to binge tonight. I did celebrate by eating a small Butterfinger Blizzard from the lovely DQ, but that is as far as I’m going to take it.

A bodybuilder at my gym told me that I should have one cheat meal per week anyway, on top of everything else I’m going to be eating. This, apparently, will speed up my metabolism and force me to keep on losing. I’m not 100% sure what my real weight is, but I will record whatever number I see on the scale tomorrow morning and determine how much I need to lose to reach my competition goal (which is 120-123 so I can be certain I’ll make it into the lightweight/under 125 class).

My on-plan macros are as follows:
50% protein, 35% carbs, 15% fat. The carbs/fat on some days will come out to 30/20 or even 25/25 but the protein will be consistant. I will start out eating 1,500 calories per day (currently, my average is between 2,000-2,200) and gradually reduce my calories if I hit a plateau. I will do around an hour of cardio every day (more if I feel inclined, less if I don’t) and weight train for 1-3 hours, rotating body parts of course. My workout regime will not be much different than my current one with the exception of more weights and added posing practice. Staying active has never been the issue for me; I almost NEED to MOVE or I will get VERY restless, but DIET can be a BITCH!

I’d say "here goes nothin’!" right about now, but I’d be discouraging myself with that statement before I even began. Therefore… HERE GOES EVERYTHING! If I don’t WIN, I can at least say I TRIED my BEST.