The Self-Love Journey of an Amateur

I’ve decided I’m giving up sweets, alcohol, and junk food for Lent. *Laughs* I’m not going to get religious here, since I am not one to talk about my beliefs in settings that are not appropriate for them (preachy people are annoying; I believe in living a good life by example, not evangelization, aaaand… that is another story), BUT I believe a nicer bod will unquestionably be an added bonus for my Lenten sacrifices.

My family is coming down to visit from Virginia on Easter and we are all going to the beach. I am going to bring my surf board and rock that bikini! I do not think my body is quite bikini-ready yet (I realized I decided to have an "off season breakdown" during this last month) and by Easter, it will be.

Another frustrating thing is the change of climate here. The cold weather makes me cranky and the warm weather never lasts. I thought we were going through global WARMING — where is the dang WARMING in my state?! It takes me forever to warm up when I’m cold  … and when I’m really cold, it’s just plain painful; I’ll feel my extremities getting tingly and numb and they’ll stay that way for a small eternity. I am impatiently waiting for FLORIDA weather to RETURN!

In other news, work is going better. In the future, I REFUSE to let work stress me out as much as it has. *Breathing in through the nose, out through the mouth… over and over again… WHEW!!!*

I am having a very stressful day today and want nothing more than to eat Dairy Queen… again. I have an inkling that I will be posting about cravings for Dairy Queen quite frequently I feel that even though I have done all this great stuff for my boss, he does not realize it and only focuses on every little thing I have ever done wrong. Then again, most employers are like that, no?

The office was running SO smoothly until I, well, got a life. I was working 50+ hours every week, so everything was always taken care of (and I was practically a saint in his eyes), but now I have personal training, modeling, youth ministry, church activities, friends, and other social outlets to attend. I am thinking of hiring an assistant to help take care of back taxes (not my fault — these were present before I ever started my job), BUT I feel weird welcoming a new employee on board when we are already in debt. Every time we get a little bit ahead, there is something else to pay back and we are not any better off than we were. I am trying to get us down from the mountain of said debt, but until he listens to me, does everything I say, and completely trusts me, I don’t know when that will happen. It is SO frustrating!

I digress; all this work-related stress is really making me want to eat ice cream, candy bars, cake, donuts, and crunchy munchies. Eating junk will solve nothing, detract from my bodybuilding progress, make me sick, and will ultimately make me angry at myself anyway, so I won’t do it. I think I am just going to go perform some dynamic tension exercises instead (for those who are unfamiliar, Google search "dynamic tension" - it is pretty cool and can be done anywhere). Oof!

Last night, I got a full eight hours of sleep for the first time in nearly a week and the difference in my well being is incredible!

I have noticed a direct correlation between sleep deprivation, lethargy, and cravings. When I am tired, I get this feeling of, "I got some MAAAAAD cravings and if I don’t get them, Imma HURT SOMEBODY!" Sometimes, I give in… and when I don’t, I still eat until I feel satisfied and/or more energetic. When I do not get enough sleep, my appetite is insatiable yet I am far too lazy to exercise.

Some people say sleep is a waste of time, since when you are sleeping, you aren’t doing anything. Other people just don’t see the point or value of a good night’s rest. Other people say it’s unnecessary. I say they are all full of crap; sleep is ESSENTIAL! I don’t CARE if I live to 90 and therefore spend 30 years sleeping… those 60 years of being awake will be 60 years spent feeling GOOD and living well!

I mysteriously gained 5 pounds, but am fairly certain those 5 pounds are primarily (if not entirely) composed of water weight. Today, I am eating low-ish carb/low-ish sodium and drinking lots of water to make sure I pee those 5 pounds out!

Other than that, I am kicking ass today. I had protein pancakes for breakfast (oatmeal, egg whites, sugar free syrup — voila! good stuff) and got an hour long weight training session in. Later today, I am going to run errands on my bike (about an hour of cardio total) and go tanning. This base tan is taking for-freakin’-EVER to develop.

I was really hungry today, so I have already close to met my caloric requirements even though it is only 3 in the afternoon. I can still eat 300-400 more calories before going over my maintenance limit, so I will probably eat something small later. Despite being hungry and experiencing mad cravings, I filled myself up with healthy food. I am still wanting to go to Dairy Queen (it does NOT HELP AT ALL that DQ is RIGHT across from my JOB!!) but I have to keep telling myself that the six pack I want is NOT going to be fed by ice cream.

I just felt the urge to vent my frustrations. Venting them is better than acting on them, after all.

I didn’t screw up yesterday and I won’t screw up today. I’ll say something more exciting here later.

I read in an article by Ryan Swan (a huge contributor for the teen bodybuilding section) this acronym that I really like:
W hat’s
I mportant
N ow?

Another saying I dig is "take back control!" One of my best friends has "take back control" beside her door. It means something very different to her than it does for me, but I love the idea and think I may need some "take back control" signs, too.

I just dug my hole deeper by eating ice cream tonight. It’s all my fault. I’m awful and I sabotage myself like nobody’s business. I know it all started from my SUPER strict week, which is why this week, I am focusing on BALANCE. I am going to avoid junk as always, BUT I am NOT going to cut out an entire food group. Doing that, as I mentioned before, leads to BIG TIME trouble for me. I need to stop beating myself up, though… I always tell my clients, "If you mess up, oh well! Get right back on it and remember tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life! We ALL screw up and the key to success is the ability to keep going!" I am not about to eat my own words.

Tomorrow is abs day. I will perform my exercises with, as Charles Atlas phrases it, "pep and vigor" and remember I am a bodybuilder. I will remind myself of what is important and will not forego my health or my sanity just to temporarily drop a few ounces of fat. In the long run, my body will thank me. 

Until next time…

I decided it might be a good idea to actually USE this blog, since I had a HORRIBLE weekend in regards to dieting. I need to stay focused every day, especially since I have started fitness modeling, am trying to get my personal training business off the ground (I have a few clients, but I want more), and plan to compete this year.

I had a test photo shoot on Friday and several more scheduled soon. Suddenly, the "oh wow! This is REAL" feeling kicked in and I felt like I had to DO something. I looked in the mirror and was not satisfied with my body. I could tell I was carrying water weight. I had to get rid of it PRONTO, so I started low carbin’ it for three days or so. I looked great for the shoot, but then got some WICKED carb cravings and gave in BIG time. This weekend has been all about consuming CRAP and I need to get back on track before I become a big lardass and flush all my fitness dreams down the toilet.

I have tried all sorts of training methods and found what works best for me is just a high protein, moderate to low fat, moderate complex carb, primarily clean diet. If I cut out carbs, I will get very hungry, eat my weight in junk food (and/or whatever else I can get my hands on), and be distraught later. Creatine did not work so well for me because it also caused me to be insanely hungry. The intense hunger I experienced was not mental, either — it was largely, if not completely, physical. I was able to lift a little more while on it and noticed my arms were a tad bit more pumped, but I was not happy with the obvious water retention in my face or the five pound gain that landed on the scale.

I trained with a male bodybuilder for awhile. He got great results on his regimen and insisted that I needed to eat more. All his advice did for me was make me gain a little weight (thankfully not much, just more than I wanted… 5-8 pounds ish) and make me look more "smooth." I started eating like him because he seemed to know what he was talking about and said he had trained women in the past, but I obviously can’t be eating like a man if I want to look chiseled.

It is frustrating that there isn’t nearly as much information online or anywhere else for female bodybuilders as there is for males. I have read some good advice thanks to the "for women" portion of this site, but have largely made my own path by trial and error to find out what works for me and what does not.

Because I have my photo shoots coming up, I am going to create a 500-1,000 calorie deficit every day, drink a gallon of water per day, continue hitting up the tanning salon, stick to the diet regimen that works for me (no extreme low fat or low carb diets, extreme diets make me angry and then I break down, so everything in balance is good for me), and… I am trying Animal Cuts. Once I am done with this three week cycle (I just started), I will post my review.