heidismommy’s BodyBlog

I started feeling really faint about midway through my workout.  I just got really shaky and started feeling kind of nauseous.  I wasn’t sure why, but I did notice I was sweating a bit more than usual.  Then my husband came into the room and said, "I guess I should turn the air conditioner back on.  I had to turn it off during the thunderstorm".  Gee, well no wonder I had started feeling badly.  I let myself cool off a bit before resuming my workout, but I did get a good one in after that.

I love this website, there are so many supportive and wonderful people and it has helped me push things to the next level.  I’ve gained 5 lbs just since the time I joined and I didn’t think that would be acceptable to me when I first came to this site.  However, it can also be very triggering if I’m not careful.  I need to stay out of certain threads on the forums—threads about body fat, body weight, and clean eating for example.  I always come out of reading those threads feeling very inadequate, like what I’m doing isn’t good enough.  It’s my own fault and I hold myself completely accountable.

There are 2 goals I have for myself:

1= To cut back on cardio—I’ve always been cardio obsessed and that hasn’t changed.  It’s just now I’m obsessed with both strength training and cardio.  I’m not going to stop doing cardio, but I do want to limit myself to how much of it I’m doing.  I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing for strength training.

2= To clean up my eating.  I’m eating about 70% clean, but that is up from about 40% clean from when I joined this site.  It’s much easier said than done because keep in mind I’m coming out of half a lifetime of severely disordered eating.  I know I need to be ready, otherwise it’s just going to turn into yet another obsession (I have orthorexic tendencies).  Part of the reason I started lifting is because it’s helped me become much less rigid with food.  For someone who has never struggled with anorexia, this is really hard to understand.   BUT, I know in order to take things up yet another level, I need to fix things upstairs so that I can healthily clean up my eating without it becoming an obsession.

I’m not going for a physique of a fitness competitor here, though I really admire that type of body.  At least that’s not what I’m aiming for right this minute.  Right now I’m just going for the "wow, she looks fit" look and I think I’ve nailed it there.  I’ve had a lot of comments recently about my new "buff" appearance, lol.

Forgot to mention that Eric and I were talking tonight about possibly getting me a gym membership when Heidi goes back to school in the fall.  I’ve been working out at home using dumbells, barbels, bands, and the like, but I do feel somewhat limited in what I can do.  For instance, I don’t even have a squat rack so I’ve had to get creative (which could get dangerous :O).  At first I wasn’t sure I’d feel comfortable joining a gym, but the idea is really starting to appeal to me.  I’ll keep updated about that, but for now home workouts it is.

I went to visit my father-in-law on Father’s Day and of course my husband and daughter went as well.  We stayed for about an hour or so and midway through my husband’s sister showed up with her husband.  We chatted for a while, then left while they stayed a bit longer.  I had been wearing a tank top and cropped pants and as soon as we left, Eric’s dad asks Ellen (sister-in-law) "What has Lauren been doing, looking all buff?".

Ellen invited the family to a little carnival earlier in the day and we just got back a little while ago.  She was telling me about what their dad had said.  She was telling me about how really fit and strong I look.  Very cool compliments, I was extremely flattered.

My nephew is really into rock climbing and he works out a lot too.  Everyone was encouraging me to try it at some point.  They told me I look like a rock climber, had that kind of build (I look a lot smaller in person than on camera, though I suppose most people do), and had that sort of strength.

So yes, I’m feeling really good, really positive about the changes I’ve made in terms of health and fitness.  And apparently other people have noticed the changes I’ve made and think it’s wonderful.  It’s good knowing everyone is behind me, pulling for me to succeed.

It’s been a rather fun day, taking Heidi to the carnival and all.  I’m still unwinding from today’s events.  I strength trained yesterday, full body, so nothing tonight.  I walked this morning (6 miles) and then walked a lot at the carnival too.  I’m going to relax the rest of the evening.

I was going through my photobucket this morning and came across some of the pictures from when I was really ill.  I cannot believe I could not see it then because some of the pics were frightening.  In the past this would have been triggering, but now it only brings back really painful memories.  If I’m ever feeling bad about myself or self-conscious about the weight gain, all I need to do is to look at the old pictures and remind myself how much I do not want to relive that.

After having struggled with the eating disorder for 15 years, I cannot expect to be fully free from all thoughts I once dealt with.  I’m so much better, I cannot even begin to describe how much my life has changed in such a positive way.  But I still struggle sometimes.  I could never go back, I really don’t think I’d relapse.  I feel strong enough to fight the urges to go back.

I’m going to keep doing what I have been, trying to put on a bit more mass.  I need to clean up my diet a bit more, but I can always cut later.  I don’t think I’d ever compete anyway, but if I decided to then I could think about all that.  Right now I need to think about what will keep me on track with recovery and leaning out (right now) isn’t an option.  What’s the point anyway if I’m not going to compete?  Well, I hate being average.  I’ve always been average in everything, but having complete control over my body is something I’ve always excelled at, first in a very negative way, now in a much more positive way.  I don’t know where my body fat percentage is and I’m not sure I really want to know.  Logically I know I’m lean.  Pretty averagely lean on a site like this, but I know that generally speaking I’m leaner than "average".  It shouldn’t be important.  I shouldn’t care and I hate that I do.  I just feel that I don’t mind that I’ve gained weight and bulked up, just as long as I still look lean and fit and tight.  I’m terrified of getting soft.  I’m really trying to focus on gaining more muscle and ignoring body fat levels for the time being, but it’s easier said than done.  I can always do a cut later on, but right now I know that would be a major setback.

I’m stuck and not quite sure where I want to go from here.  On the one hand I’m happier and healthier than I’ve ever been.  I’m really into weightlifting and that’s not something that is going to change anytime soon.  On the other hand over the past few days I’ve been feeling too big, too soft, not good enough.  Relapse isn’t an option.  I cannot go back to that, I don’t want to and I won’t.

So what do I do?  I could try and put on a bit of muscle mass.  I sometimes feel that I want to, but at the same time I’m feeling an overwhelming desire to want to shed some fat.  Meh, I don’t know.  Maybe I should just try to stay here for a while, not gain anymore, but not try to lose anything either.  I need to sort things out I think.

I had a bad food week last week.  And I mean a really bad food week.  It seems I’ve gotten back on track this week though.  I never binged or anything and didn’t go over my normal daily caloric intake, but my diet was far from a good one.  I feel so much better now that I’m back eating my usual stuff.  I mean, my diet isn’t 100% clean anyway, but last week it was really bad.

I had planned on doing some strength training tonight, but today we got my daughter baptized and didn’t get home until almost 10pm.  So I’ll do it tomorrow night, no big deal.  I did get a nice long walk in this morning (in the heat).  I actually do that almost more for peace of mind than I do for exercise.  It gives me about 90 minutes of "me" time where I can listen to music and just get away.

Aw man, I have been bloated today :/.  I think- no I’m pretty sure- I’m lactose intolerant.  Whenever I have dairy my stomach swells and I get really uncomfortable.  I need to get lactaid or something.

In other news, I did a full-body workout tonight.  My arms are fatigues to I kind of have my arms resting on the desk while I’m typing.  Love that feeling though .

and 2 back videos:

Need to work a bit on developing my right side.  Left is coming in nicely.  Filling out some more.