heidismommy’s BodyBlog

It’s been a while since I posted here last.  I thought I’d give an update as to where I am right now.  I’m doing very well, I’ve gotten to a point I never thought I’d reach.  I’ve found self-acceptance and for the first time ever I actually *gasp* like the way my body looks for the most part.  When I was sick and skinny I had a hard time seeing myself accurately.  But now, even when I’m having a bad body image day, I can take a look at myself in a photograph and there is no denying that I’ve gained muscle and that I’m looking fairly lean, definitely leaner than the "average" woman.  I like that I look "athletic".

When I first joined this site I had no intention of gaining above where I was at the time, which was in the 92-95 lb range.  I think at the time I was looking for motivation not to lose the weight I had already gained, but I definitely was still scared of moving forward and gaining more weight.  At the time I had nothing heavier than a set of 10-lb dumbells.  I was scared of "bulking up".  I know for women it is hard to do that, but I just couldn’t see myself gaining more weight.

The more time I spent here, the more motivation I had to move forward.  Day-after-day I see these gorgeous, sculpted bodies and I looked at that as my goal.  I just didn’t think it would happen to me and I’m finally seeing that yes, with lots of work I can achieve that too.  I bought my first "real" weights in March of this year and since then things have progressed pretty quickly.  My lifts got progressively heavier and I noticed changes in my body pretty quickly.  Initially the changes were scary, but I got more and more comfortable with the idea of gaining mass.

I have no goals for the time being as far as competing.  Right now I’m just taking it day-to-day, seeing where that leads me.  I’m not completely satisfied with my body, I think there will always be areas of my body I’d like to change.  I’d like to have a bit more muscle in certain areas and I’d like to be a bit leaner, but overall I’m definitely content with where I am for now.  I’m not actively trying to gain, but I’m not trying to prevent gain either.  I eat pretty intuitively now and although my eating habits aren’t perfect, they are certainly better than 80% of the general population.  I don’t track macros or calories, but have a general idea of where I am now.  I like that I can eat and not have my weight spin wildy out of control.  I can still control my body and weight, but in a much healthier, more productive way than has been done in the past.

So I’ve made recovery seem pretty easy.  But I don’t want to give anyone that impression.  Recovery has been a long, uphill battle, but a battle definitely worth fighting.

A bit of background to put things into perspective.  I was first diagnosed with anorexia at the age of 14.  I weighed somewhere between 100 and 105 lbs the summer before entering Sophmore year of high school, but decided to go on a "diet" to try and lose some weight.  I was eating only an apple a day at that point and dropped down to 76 lbs in a month and a half.  I had to be hosptitalized, the first of many hospitalizations.  Since that time, I’ve been hospitalized 7 times for the eating disorder, not including medical intervention.  I’ve dropped down as low as 67 lbs and my longest inpatient stay was 4 months.  Twice I was sent across the county because I had exhausted all options locally.  Everyone had pretty much given up on me and my prognosis was poor.  My treatment team during my last inpatient stay in 2000 told my parents I was a hopeless case and then gave them their condolences.

It was right around that time I started dating Eric, the man who is now my husband.  We had actually known each other since 1996, but didn’t start dating until 2000, a couple months after I had been discharged from my last inpatient stay.  During that last stay, I had gone from 70 lbs to 102 lbs in just over 2 months.  I was very optimistic after discharge and worked really hard at recovery.  I did have a couple slip-ups, but pretty much remained stable until just after my daughter was born in 2003 (my husband and I married in 2002).  She was a breastfed baby and I lost a lot of weight really quickly.  I was down to 77 lbs by the time she was 6 months old, but it was only partially due to the eating disorder.  Or maybe more so than I’m willing to admit.  But then I got my act together and recovered from that pretty quickly.  I got up to my natural body weight of about 100 lbs.  Not long after that began a slow descent into what is now my last battle with this disorder.  I hit 80 lbs and teetered around that number during the summer of 2006.

Here are some pictures from that time, when I was about 80 lbs.  They are rather frightening and disturbing and I am able to see that now.

I’ve linked to the images so they can be clicked if you want to see the bigger version.  But I forwarn that some may be a bit disturbing.  It’s scary to think I weighed a good 13 lbs lower than what is in the above photos.

In the fall of 2006 I started seeing a therapist and psychitrist, both of whom thought I really needed to go inpatient again.  I was determined to recover on my own terms as an outpatient.  But in order for my treatment team to willingly treat me on an outpatient basis, I had to be willing to gain weight.  So I did.  For about a year after starting therapy I did gain weight, but only 5 lbs.  I really was terrified of really letting go of the eating disorder since it had been a part of me for so long.

In the summer of 2007, so a year ago, is when I really started lifting weights.  At first it was just a set of 5 lb dumbells.  I was very reluctant because I didn’t want to "bulk up" even though I needed to.  There was a lot of stopping and then restarting the program initially and it really wasn’t until fall of 2007 that weight lifting had become a part of my life.  One thing that kept pulling me back to it was that when I’d lift, all of the sudden the anxieties surrounding food would go away.  When I’d stop lifting I’d get really anxious around food again.  In the beginning I didn’t like the weight gain.  I put aside my scale for many months, not wanting to gain, but knowing I needed to.  I was up to low 90’s by around Christmastime and then I’ve gradually put on weight to where I am now (right around 100 lbs, maybe a bit less).  Not only that, but I’m actually okay with the weight I’ve gained.  I actually like the definition I’m getting, even if it means I’ve gotten bigger.  I cannot imagine going back at this point, even with my long history of struggle.

There are days I still struggle with self-acceptance, though not nearly as much as in the past.  There are some days when I look in the mirror and feel I’ve gotten too big.  I sometimes will see really thin people (as in underweight thin) and have fleeting thoughts that I, too, could be that way again.  But then I regroup.  All I have to do is log on to this site and see all the people on the main bodyspace page and it’s an instant turn around.   I see how amazing everyone looks and I’m so inspired by so many people here.  I really think joining this site was a wonderful thing for me.  There are so many very lean, but very healthy bodies here and I really want that sort of physique.  I hate to admit this, but a couple of years ago I had immersed myself in "thinspiration" type communities.  I was deliberately self-sabataging because I could never look at those images and come out feeling good about myself.  I was just fueling my own self-hatred.  Also I was desensitizing myself to was was normal and was was unhealthy.  I ended up at 80 lbs (not my lowest weight, albeit still very low) and couldn’t see how thin I’d become.  Now I look back and thank God that I’m no longer there.

Edited to add: Although I AM a little discouraged when my photos get low ratings, esp. when those rating come from a female (for some reason that makes it much worse).  In general I think if someone doesn’t like a photo that is posted, they just skip over it and don’t rate it.  That’s why some photos have 50 ratings in 2 days when others may have 1 or 2 ratings.  I think it’s just common courtesy and I know that when I don’t like a photo that has been posted, I just don’t rate it.  The only time I give out low ratings is when that person gives me low ratings.  It’s kind of immature I know, but what goes around, comes around.  However, I’m not going to delete my photos just because a few people choose to rate them low.  Whatever floats their boat.  It feels good to vent here though.

Weight this morning was 97.6 lbs.  I think I need to really try to cut down on cardio.  I’m not trying to lose, not in the least.  I’m getting 2500 calories a day.  However, not that it is summer I think I’m much more active besides just scheduled exercise.  This is going to start to backfire though if I’m not careful.

Measurements as of this morning:

height- 5′1"

weight- 97.6 lbs

waist- 24"

hipbones- 29.5"

hips/butt- 33"

left thigh (dominant)- 18.5" (increase)

right bicep (dominant)- 9.25" (increase) and 10.5" flexed

Had a good workout tonight even though I’ve been feeling really "odd" for the better part of the evening.  I’m not sure what it is, I’ve just felt really sluggish.  I actually started to get a bit dizzy towards the end of my workout.  I’ve just been feeling kind of funky, don’t know how else to describe it.  Maybe I’m just sleep-deprived.  Or maybe I’m overtraining.  Hopefully I’ll catch up on some sleep tonight, maybe that will help.

In unrelated news, my daughter has poison ivy.  I had originally though maybe she had been bitten by something, but when she woke up this morning with a patchy rash, I knew otherwise.  We bought her some anti-itch lotion to help dry out her rash as well as soothe the irritation.  We also bought her Aveeno oatmeal bath.  Hopefully it starts to heal soon.  It’s hard to convince a 4-year-old not to scratch.  Poor kid!

Whenever I’m feeling too fat, that I’ve gained more fat than I’m comfortable with, I just remind myself that I can always lean out later.  That’s a comforting thought.  It’s has been easier to gain the muscle I have without having to obsess with eating 100% clean.  I’m careful and eat healthfully, but I’m not in any way rigid like I used to be.

Dieting down will be easy for me.  The hard part would be knowing when to stop.  I tend to get carried away with momentum.  I’m not ready to do that yet.  I want to put on a bit more muscle first, but more importantly I need to make sure I’m emotionally ready (as in, not to trigger relapse).  It’s tempting to want to get shredded, but if I do that now I’m not going to be in very good shape at the end of it.

The last time I stepped on the scale was a little over a month ago and I weighed 100 lbs (no clothes or shoes).  I’ve avoided the scale since then because I didn’t want any sudden weight increases to trigger a backslide into disordered eating.  Well, I weighed myself on my parents’ scale tonight, fully clothed and with shoes, and weighed 101.  Their scale has always run a bit higher than mine too so I had expected to see 105 lbs or so.

I must say I’m relieved.  I know putting on a bit more weight wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, but if I’m going to gain more I want it to be very gradual.  I’m also very surprised since I’ve been eating a ton lately.  So much that I’ve stopped counting calories.  I’m at least 2500 calories per day…and I have the appetite to support it.  It seems that I’ve been getting hungrier than usual even with such a high intake.  I need to cut back on cardio a bit, I’m sure that doesn’t help.  I cannot imagine increasing calories above where I am now, but I’m also a bit scared to cut back on cardio since my cardio addiction goes back at least as long as the eating disorder (about 15 years).

I started feeling really faint about midway through my workout.  I just got really shaky and started feeling kind of nauseous.  I wasn’t sure why, but I did notice I was sweating a bit more than usual.  Then my husband came into the room and said, "I guess I should turn the air conditioner back on.  I had to turn it off during the thunderstorm".  Gee, well no wonder I had started feeling badly.  I let myself cool off a bit before resuming my workout, but I did get a good one in after that.

I love this website, there are so many supportive and wonderful people and it has helped me push things to the next level.  I’ve gained 5 lbs just since the time I joined and I didn’t think that would be acceptable to me when I first came to this site.  However, it can also be very triggering if I’m not careful.  I need to stay out of certain threads on the forums—threads about body fat, body weight, and clean eating for example.  I always come out of reading those threads feeling very inadequate, like what I’m doing isn’t good enough.  It’s my own fault and I hold myself completely accountable.

There are 2 goals I have for myself:

1= To cut back on cardio—I’ve always been cardio obsessed and that hasn’t changed.  It’s just now I’m obsessed with both strength training and cardio.  I’m not going to stop doing cardio, but I do want to limit myself to how much of it I’m doing.  I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing for strength training.

2= To clean up my eating.  I’m eating about 70% clean, but that is up from about 40% clean from when I joined this site.  It’s much easier said than done because keep in mind I’m coming out of half a lifetime of severely disordered eating.  I know I need to be ready, otherwise it’s just going to turn into yet another obsession (I have orthorexic tendencies).  Part of the reason I started lifting is because it’s helped me become much less rigid with food.  For someone who has never struggled with anorexia, this is really hard to understand.   BUT, I know in order to take things up yet another level, I need to fix things upstairs so that I can healthily clean up my eating without it becoming an obsession.

I’m not going for a physique of a fitness competitor here, though I really admire that type of body.  At least that’s not what I’m aiming for right this minute.  Right now I’m just going for the "wow, she looks fit" look and I think I’ve nailed it there.  I’ve had a lot of comments recently about my new "buff" appearance, lol.

Forgot to mention that Eric and I were talking tonight about possibly getting me a gym membership when Heidi goes back to school in the fall.  I’ve been working out at home using dumbells, barbels, bands, and the like, but I do feel somewhat limited in what I can do.  For instance, I don’t even have a squat rack so I’ve had to get creative (which could get dangerous :O).  At first I wasn’t sure I’d feel comfortable joining a gym, but the idea is really starting to appeal to me.  I’ll keep updated about that, but for now home workouts it is.

I went to visit my father-in-law on Father’s Day and of course my husband and daughter went as well.  We stayed for about an hour or so and midway through my husband’s sister showed up with her husband.  We chatted for a while, then left while they stayed a bit longer.  I had been wearing a tank top and cropped pants and as soon as we left, Eric’s dad asks Ellen (sister-in-law) "What has Lauren been doing, looking all buff?".

Ellen invited the family to a little carnival earlier in the day and we just got back a little while ago.  She was telling me about what their dad had said.  She was telling me about how really fit and strong I look.  Very cool compliments, I was extremely flattered.

My nephew is really into rock climbing and he works out a lot too.  Everyone was encouraging me to try it at some point.  They told me I look like a rock climber, had that kind of build (I look a lot smaller in person than on camera, though I suppose most people do), and had that sort of strength.

So yes, I’m feeling really good, really positive about the changes I’ve made in terms of health and fitness.  And apparently other people have noticed the changes I’ve made and think it’s wonderful.  It’s good knowing everyone is behind me, pulling for me to succeed.

It’s been a rather fun day, taking Heidi to the carnival and all.  I’m still unwinding from today’s events.  I strength trained yesterday, full body, so nothing tonight.  I walked this morning (6 miles) and then walked a lot at the carnival too.  I’m going to relax the rest of the evening.