heidismommy’s BodyBlog

I’ve tried keeping both a blog and journal here, but it hasn’t really worked out.  I’m just not good at keeping them updated.  But I wanted to have at least one entry giving a bit of background as to where I’ve been and how it fits into where I am now.

I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa at the age of 14 when my weighed dropped from 100 lbs to 76 lbs in a month and a half.  I had to be hospitalized at that time, but that ended up being the first of a long string of hospitalizations.  My longest stay was at the age of 16.  I was admitted as an inpatient to a medical unit weighing 67 lbs and was transferred to a psych unit upon medical stabilazation where I ended up staying 4 months.  Twice I was sent to a treatment program out-of-state since I’d exhausted all options locally.  My last hospitalization was in 2000 at the age of 21, but I wasn’t cured after that.  I maintained my recovery for several years.  In that period of time I got married (still married to him) and had a daughter.

I relapsed again in 2005 (pictures of that relapse are in profile) and slowly dipped down to about 80 lbs.  With help I was slowly able to gain enough mental strength to be able to fight through.  I gained a few lbs, but was feeling extremely uncomfortable and "relapse-y".  It was around that time that I picked up a magazine that had a pull-out section of workout demos.  I pulled out a set of 5-lb db’s from my closet, dusted them off, then followed the workout.  At the time I think I only wanted to be "toned".  I had no clue how the whole thing worked, I’d never lifted in my life.  This was in 2007 btw.  Not long after this, I started doing Gilad’s Total Body Sculpt on TV and started to notice some changes right away.  Those changes scared me so I backed off, then I’d miss lifting and the freedom I felt with food when I was lifting, so I kept feeling pulled back to it.

By the time I had joined this site near the beginning of 2008 I had already gotten up to about 95 lbs, but was still lifting only 10 lb db’s.  My workouts alternated between Gilad and Cathe Friedrich by this time, but was very hesitant to lift more than 10 lbs (didn’t want to bulk up, still had major misconceptions).  Over time and through looking through the boards here, gaining information and courage, I finally broke down and bought heavier db’s and a barbel set in March of 2008.  In the beginning I couldn’t use more than 40 lbs, even for stuff like squats and deadlifts.  But I stayed consistent and gradually progressed in weight in all areas.  Last Christmas I even had to buy more plates for my barbel. I stopped using videos and created my own routines.
Fast forward to now and I’m in the best shape of my life, both mentally and physcally.  I still lack proper gym equipment, but I’m going to get a bench and more weights for Christmas.  The bench will allow me to not use my couch for a squat rack.  Using my couch is potentially dangerous, esp. now that I’m using 120 lbs for squats on average, sometimes even up to about 140 lbs.  I’ve been having to put the barbel onto the couch, lower myself to get the bar on my shoulders, then get into starting position from there.  The hardest rep is actually that one, lol (though I don’t actually consider it a rep).

My weight hasn’t gone up that much since I joined here.  I’d gained most of my weight before that.  But my body has changed significantly.  I weigh right around 100 lbs right now at a height of 5′1".  I’ve weighed this much before, but my body looks a lot different now than when I weighed 100 lbs in the past.  An example of 100 lbs then vs. now: arms, back and delts are bigger now.  Waist, hips, and thighs are smaller now.  My band size is bigger around chest, but I have pecs now and much less breast tissue (one of the only downsides).  My butt has about the same amount of fat, maybe a bit less, but it is higher, sticks out more, and doesn’t sag (thank you squats, SLDL’s and good mornings!).  So a big difference in body shape now vs. then.  Again I’m comparing my body at the same weight now vs. when I’ve weighed that in the past (pre-lifting).

My current goal is to slowly add more muscle through the winter, then cut some body fat for summer.  It’s tempting to want to cut fat now, but I’ll look a lot better if I have more of a base first.  Cutting is easy for me, esp. with my background with anorexia.  I’m not proving anything to myself or anyone else by finding out how lean I can get.  I know I have the drive and determination to get there.  Gaining weight is much harder for me, esp. psychologically.  It requires me to step way outside my comfort zone.  I do want more muscle though so I’m going to slowly try to add more muscle while keeping fat gains to a minimum.  I know that I can always cut later.  I’m good at that part.  This is the test for me, what I’m doing right now with regards to adding more muscle.