I’m so motivated right now!!! I’ve decided not to do the NGA show in Peoria, IL. I feel such a huge weight lifted off my shoulder! I was so stressed out about it and I couldn’t focus because I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to do it. It’s just way to far for me.
First of all…this is just an amateur show. I don’t travel well, meaning I get extremely bored and can’t sit still. I have to be constantly doing something and it’s usually eating. I can’t do that while traveling to a competition. We were going to take the train but there’s 3 of us times $104, plus a rental car, eating out for 3 days, 2 nights hotel room, 1 day off work for me and my husband would have to take 3 days because he works weekends.
So I decided last night to drop out and look for another show closer to home. I found one in Tulsa, OK just 2 1/2 hrs away! It’s an NANBF show and apparently it’s very big and there’s a lot more competition. Plus it’s on my own stomping grounds….so to speak.
I called my friend Jake who won the overall men’s at the NGA in Wichita last November and he said he’s competing in the same show along with his partner Keila. Awesome!!! I’m going to know people there! I’m so excited and pumped right now I could run a marathon! I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t get into it and stick to my diet. I just had this sick feeling in my stomach about the Peoria show the whole time.
It’s 8 weeks out and I’m getting pretty pissed and frustrated with my weight. Not sure what it is, stress, water, who knows. I gained a pound since last week and I stuck to my diet more than ever plus did a little extra cardio. I think this happened the last time too. Not sure, I’ll have to do a little research. I haven’t been able to keep track of anything this time because I’m going to school and it’s taking up all my time. I knew I shouldn’t have done that…school and train for a comp at the same time. I’ll just have to make some time and go through all my stuff from last time.
I was so pissed this morning that I emailed Jay and told him I wasn’t doing the competition in May. It’s stressing me out too much so I have to just keep training and dieting like I am and just see what happens. I am not going to kill myself over this especially since I have to travel 2 full days just to go to this. It’s not like I’m a pro or anything. This is just my second amateur competition. If I’m not at 100% this time I’m definitely not going because it’s just a waste of money.
I trained 5 days straight since last Thursday and my body is worn out and I’m extremely cranky on this diet. I had to train an extra day because I missed last Wednesday setting up our wireless router. Tonight is my night off. Well not really because I have to go to school. I think I need to take a night to do nothing but that’s just not in me. I can’t just sit around and do nothing.
I’m pretty disappointed that I lost most of my progress pics from last time because my mac crashed and I lost everything on the hard drive. It’s funny because I started to back everything up two weeks before but never got around to finishing the backup and then I got the black screen of death and everything was gone forever! They couldn’t recover anything from my hard drive.
So I’ll feel sorry for myself for now and maybe in a day or so I can get back into the swing of things. Just not feeling right now.
Okay so Dee told me I have to tell what I’m eating. I’m not going to write out my whole diet but I will say that I had a very bad cheat day today. Well it kind of started yesterday. I’m not sure why but I just felt like having licorice so I went to Walmart at lunch and bought a back of sugar free licorice. So I thought okay I’ll just have 3, that’s only 65 calories. I’ll just do a little extra cardio. Well 3 turned into 6. Then I was talking to my husband and I ate another 6!!!! It was just soooooo good. The bad thing is I know what sugar alcohols do to you and that’s why I won’t eat more than 2 pcs of sugar free candy a day. Within about 2 hrs it started with the cramping. By the time 4:30 came around I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to leave early to go to a cheerleading meeting and on the way there I couldn’t even sit up straight! Why did I do this to myself!!! I was able to go to the gym by 7:30 with a little bit of cramping and still got my cardio in. The good news is my stomach hurt so bad couldn’t eat much of anything else so I was over by 7 calories and my macros were off a bit.
Today is another story. I got up this morning and I was pissed at my husband. I didn’t even want to look at him long enough to stay in the kitchen and make my eggs before I left for work so I quickly packed my lunch and took off. Stopped at Starbucks and bought my morning iced coffee and a scone! I know why I did it. When I’m mad at my husband for something stupid I punish myself with food. I’m really not sure the reason for this but I do it. So at lunch I went to Starbucks again and had an oatmeal cookie! OMG now I really feel like crap! So I just ate a salad with chicken and few chick peas for dinner, went to the gym, came home and had my evening shake and one rice cake and I’m over by 454 calories and my macros are wayyyyyyy off! Okay so I’m counting this as my cheat day even though I’m not supposed to be having one so now I really have to watch myself on the weekend.
I’m going to do an extra cardio session and hopefully that’ll take care of the extra cals….ahhhh…now I feel better…peace out…
So my diet for the past 5 days has been clean sailing. I’m really quite miserable about this but I feel really good and I lost 1 1/2 lbs so that makes me happy. I keep saying to myself when am I more miserable, when I’m eating what I want and feeling like a fat cow or when I’m eating clean and feel really good about myself…duhhhhhh…so suck it up…you’re not dying of starvation for crying out loud!
I didn’t make it to the gym tonight and I’m not going to freak out about it I’ll just go on Sunday instead. I’ve been waiting for my replacement router so we can all have wireless internet and it came today and I only have 2 days to return my defective one or they’re going to charge my visa for the cost of it. I thought I could just quickly set it up so I got ready for the gym and starting working on it…no such luck. Nothing but problems and frustration so I just said forget the gym I have to get this done. So I was on the phone with tech support for almost 2 hours but we’re all connected except one laptop and I’m not going to worry about it because it wasn’t connecting before anyhow.
I’ve been learning alot from Jay in the past few weeks. He explained to me why carb blockers don’t work. Well they actually do work by blocking carbs but you still have all the calories that you ate. Apparently they just don’t disappear magically. So I still haven’t found the magic pill. I’m still not understanding how all that works but I’m sure going to school is going to help me figure it all out.
I’m taking nutrition right now and I’m learning alot about vitamins, minerals and all that good stuff. I find that people in the medical field (doctors and nurses) really don’t believe in vitamins and that you can get it all from your food but that’s only if you eat a balanced diet and seriously, how many Americans do that??? We had to do an exercise for the past two weeks of submitting our fat and protein intake and figuring out our percentages. That was easy for me because I do it everyday. Well she says she worried about me. She says I’m not getting enough fat, yadda, yadda, yadda. I explained to her what my goals are and she says it’s not healthy. Well I look around at my classmates and what do I see….they are all overweight, have bad skin, falling asleep during class, need I say more. So who’s the unhealthy one. I just don’t understand how they think. I think they follow everything by the book and they don’t stray from it at all. If you’re not doing what the book says, then you’re doing it wrong.
So I know I need to take control of my diet. I’m a creature of habit and when things aren’t going as scheduled neither is my diet. I’m not going to blame anyone (ahemmmm….my husband….lol) it’s just the way I am. I don’t watch TV because I get bored and I snack. If I do watch a movie I have to cross-stitch (yes, I cross-stitch but don’t tell anyone) to keep me occupied. I get bored very easily and can’t sit still for 5 minutes.
I’m going to try my best and stay on track or pretty close to it. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m adjusting to this 550 calorie a day deficit, stress or a combination of both. Dee tells me I should write everything I eat on bodyspace, even my cheat food, so I’m accountable for what I eat. The main reason I don’t publish what I eat is because I really don’t have the time and I feel like I’m doing it twice. I already enter my diet on calorieking.com and I’m not ready to tell everyone how much I really cheat.
Another thing I do that I’m probably going to get in trouble for is take carb blockers when I cheat. Now I don’t know if these really work but it makes me feel a little less guilty. I don’t take them when I eat healthy, they’re only for cheating. I just bought them last week so I’m not sure if they’ll have any effect. I’m one of the people who buy into all these weight loss gimics (fat burners, carb blockers, fiber, creams, wraps, etc). Desperate times you know. It’s like being a crack addict. You’ll do anything to stop bad food from being absorbed in your body and anything that’ll get rid of fat whether it’s a pill, cream or wrap.
So I’m really pissed off at myself. I’m thinking yesterday was a very stressful day for me. I still haven’t figured out why I binge and I always forget so I’m going to post why I think I failed yesterday. I won’t say what I ate because I’m a closet eater which means I will never tell anyone and I do it when there’s no one around. Plus Jay’s probably going to read this and give me shit…lol.
Anyhow, yesterday it started when I got an email from my last trainer Robert Green. He says "hey how’s it going? R U getting ready for the show in May? Time to start training." I didn’t respond at first because I don’t want to tell him that I have Jay now (gawd that sounds funny) so I didn’t resond at all until today. Then Jay emailed me and says "How’s your week going." Then I come home and Danielle (my 12 yr old step daughter) says "I can’t wait till May when we go on our roadtrip and stay at the hotel." She’s coming with me if I do the show in May. It’s going to be a girls weekend. So I think all the stress of everything at once made me eat.
And all the eating was done after the gym!!! At 9:30 at night and then…..I went to sleep! Damn!!! I suck!
I’m totally not even in the mood to diet today. I brought cream of wheat for the first time. I haven’t eaten that since I was a kid and I liked it back then. I took one bite of it and it’s just tasted like pureed cardboard…yuk! So I ate my eggs and one of my Kashi bars instead. Didn’t drink my shake for break because I’m just not in the mood for it. I think it’s time for a change. So I went to the supplement store at lunch and bought dessert. The guy told me it was the best tasting one with water. I just needed something that’s a little creamier because I’m not using pineapple juice in my morning shake and it’s nasty with just water.
I’ve been going over a little on my carbs everyday…around 150 Monday and Tuesday. It’s hard to adjust to a 550 calorie deficit cold turkey. I love my new workout Jay gave me. It’s nice and short and I’m not so worn out after.
I’m sure this is just a phase I’m going through today. I woke up with a headache, the same one I went to bed with so I’m a little cranky. Not to mention I have a few extra things on my plate now because my husband has a pinched sciatica nerve and can barely stand up so I have the kids to deal with in the morning. He’s really pissing me off because he won’t go to the doctor. He’s such a stubborn old fart! Maybe he’s waiting to collapse so he can’t even stand up before he goes. His back has been hurting since Friday and it’s just gotten worse. It’s at the point now where when he stands up his whole leg goes numb.
I get the same thing as a matter of fact I had it earlier this year but mine goes away within 3 days. I’ve been dealing with my back since I was 30 and have learned to live with the pain and I know my restrictions. Men just have too much testosterone and are too damn stubborn to know when to say enough is enough. No wonder we live 10 years longer than men.
I think I’m finally feeling 100% better now. For the first time since I’ve been doing my muscle building I was able to do cardio after with energy to spare. It felt so good to run tonight. I was feeling a little fat for a few days. I must have been holding water because I weighed myself this morning and I was at 131! Jay said this was good because I’m supposed to be gaining muscle but 2 lbs in 3 days! So I weighed myself tonight and I was still at 131 so it must have been water because I always weigh about 3 lbs more in the morning than I do at night. I felt pretty strong tonight. I’ve been increasing my weight slightly every week. I notice my shoulders are starting to come out but my legs hold so much water all the time it’s really hard to tell if I’ve made any progress. Sometimes I wish I had the problem of having skinny legs and have to build them up. I can’t stand having thick legs. Nothing fits properly. All my pants the waist is way too big and the legs are so tight. Oh well, I guess we can’t all be perfect. What would we have to work for if we were???
Everything seems to be going against me competing in May but I’m a fighter and I won’t let anything stop me. I’m not sure why all this keeps happening. Not sure whether it’s to make me stronger or to keep me from danger that lies ahead. I always have that in the back of my head. Why things happen and if they happen for a reason.
This year has been a constant battle for me. It started when I went home and my stomach was acting up because of all the bad food I was eating. Then when I started eating healthy again it got worse. As soon as my stomach was better I got sick for 3 weeks with a cold and then bronchitis. Got over that and 3 days later dropped a can of paint on my foot right on the spongy part below my ankle. That wasn’t too bad, I iced it and took some Tylenol and it’s just a bruise and a little tender. Now last night I go to the gym and slammed my finger between the weight and the bench. Stuck it in a glass of water and ice and the swelling won’t go down. So now it looks like Fred Flinstone’s finger but purple. What is up with that!
I’m finished my muscle building this week. This weekend I have to start my new diet and training program that Jay’s doing for me. I’m so glad because I’m feeling really solid and puffy right now. I can’t wait to start shedding all of this again. So I’m ready and raring to go!!!!
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