Do you ever wonder what you’re doing here???
I haven’t written in a while because I’ve been sick and a little depressed about being sick for so long. It all started at Christmas when I went home and started eating all those great things we eat at Christmas. My stomach was upset the whole time I was on vacation. I tried my best to eat as healthy as I could but it’s kind of hard when you’re not in your own house. When I came home and started eating healthy again my stomach was in serious knots and I was in pain all the time. Then I got a pinched nerve in my back from I don’t know what and then I got this nasty cold.
So between being sick and depressed I was bouncing all over the place not know what to do this semester at school. Do I continue to branch out and finish my digital media degree or do what I love….become a personal trainer. So after adding and dropping classes about 50 times I said I’m just going to take Nutrition and work on brushing up on my Flash skills on the side. Then I was undecided about competing in May. The way I am is I’m in or I’m out, not halfway. I can’t train not knowing if I’m going to do the show because I won’t train hard. So I’m just going to train and diet as hard as I can and come April if my lower body hasn’t responded the way I want it to then I’ll start over again and work twice as hard for the September show. The May show is almost 9 hrs away and I’m not too excited about traveling so I won’t be heartbroken.
On top of all my indecisiveness, I have to deal with my step-children, husband, cat and dog and being away from my home in Canada. I don’t get homesick until things get rocky around here. And right now they’re rocky. I’m wondering right now what the hell I’m doing here. I was in Toronto with my daughters and we all lived together and did our thing. No men around to piss us off, no one to answer to, go out with the girls if I wanted to, don’t have to come home and cook for anyone, don’t even have to come home if I didn’t want to and I only answered to myself. So what ever possessed me to pack my shit and move to Wichita, KS!!!??? I’m still trying to figure that out. I think I was out of my mind at the time.
I guess it all started when my husband died in 2005 and then shortly after got conned by a sociopath out of $22,000. Then I tried to do the online dating thing and men 100 idiots. It was fun but extremely lonely. I went out at least 3-4 times a week and it got real tiring after awhile. Then I met William from Wichita, KS. At the time I didn’t even know where it was. So being the crazy, risk taker that I am, I flew out here by myself and only 3 people knew where I was really going. I came here and realized how laid back it was and how friendly the people were compared to Toronto and packed it in. I left my job of over 17 years that my daughter now has (and by the way she’s being promoted to Art Director at the age of 24). I’m thinking damn…that could have been my job. But I’m really happy for her. Gave up my life, family and all my friends and came here. I think I was tired of being under the microscope all the time. Everyone was always watching what Jenny was going to do next. I was tired of being Sam’s wife (he was my husband who died).
Here I am, working for $25,000/yr less, coming home everyday to 3 teenagers, cooking, cleaning, making sure they do their homework and the list goes on and on. To make matters worse my husband works afternoons and he doesn’t even get the same days off as me. So….it’s like I’m single but I have a thousand things to do. I feel like I’m the live-in nanny. He doesn’t include me in anything to do with the kids and he hides stuff from me all the time yet he expects me to play the mother. I’m sick of this crap! What the hell! I really just want to go home and live my peaceful life again. I raised my kids already. Both went to college. One’s an accountant and the other’s a package designer soon to be art director. So I ask myself again….what am I doing here??? What is my purpose?
January 29, 2009 at 9:57 pm
well that was a mouthful! i hope you feel better soon and i hope venting here helped you out .myself i go to god and the gym to figure stuff out .take care
January 30, 2009 at 5:32 am
Wow Jenny I was sitting here reading that just stunned. I could litteraly feel your anxiety. I’m very sorry things are like they are but after reading your blog I think you’ve already answered your own question but just haven’t made the move yet. If you haven’t already done it sit down with your husband and communicate to him what you just blogged. Maybe you can reach a solution. If he is unwilling…go home or maybe stay in Wichita but strike out on your own and concentrate on Jenny for a while. I wish you all the best.
January 30, 2009 at 5:59 am
Put yourself first! It may be scary but you need to do it. Don’t be secretive about it though, your step-children may look to you more than you think. You need to talk to them all in some way.
Good luck and I hope you find yourself again
January 30, 2009 at 6:15 am
See a marriage counselor AND a family counselor to include your stepkids. I grew up in a blended family. We had 4 teens (including me), 2 dogs, 3 cats, our 2 parents, and 3 grandparents living under one roof.
My dad and stepmom are still married over 20 years and they went through quite a bit of counseling at the beginning.
If you love your husband, then do it. If you don’t, then why stay in the marriage?
January 30, 2009 at 10:33 am
I suggest you do what you really want not what you logically think is the right thing.. I’m in the similar situation. I’ve dropped law studies and plan on trying to get myself into personal trainer studies. I wish I could live in USA… you have a lot more opportunities there
February 4, 2009 at 4:17 pm
wow that is one blogg..hope your feeling better AND have a bit of a resolution figured out. Hope your health is better and you get to workout 1000% to reach your competing date in may. Wishing you all the best with your personal life..not going to comment on that as you are in control of that whatever you do. Why stay if your not happy girl. Will be checking up on you..take care sweetie