gymrat0226’s BodyBlog

I haven’t written in a while because I’ve been sick and a little depressed about being sick for so long.  It all started at Christmas when I went home and started eating all those great things we eat at Christmas.  My stomach was upset the whole time I was on vacation.  I tried my best to eat as healthy as I could but it’s kind of hard when you’re not in your own house.  When I came home and started eating healthy again my stomach was in serious knots and I was in pain all the time.  Then I got a pinched nerve in my back from I don’t know what and then I got this nasty cold.

So between being sick and depressed I was bouncing all over the place not know what to do this semester at school.  Do I continue to branch out and finish my digital media degree or do what I love….become a personal trainer.  So after adding and dropping classes about 50 times I said I’m just going to take Nutrition and work on brushing up on my Flash skills on the side.  Then I was undecided about competing in May.  The way I am is I’m in or I’m out, not halfway.  I can’t train not knowing if I’m going to do the show because I won’t train hard.  So I’m just going to train and diet as hard as I can and come April if my lower body hasn’t responded the way I want it to then I’ll start over again and work twice as hard for the September show.  The May show is almost 9 hrs away and I’m not too excited about traveling so I won’t be heartbroken.

On top of all my indecisiveness, I have to deal with my step-children, husband, cat and dog and being away from my home in Canada.  I don’t get homesick until things get rocky around here.  And right now they’re rocky.  I’m wondering right now what the hell I’m doing here.  I was in Toronto with my daughters and we all lived together and did our thing.  No men around to piss us off, no one to answer to, go out with the girls if I wanted to, don’t have to come home and cook for anyone, don’t even have to come home if I didn’t want to and I only answered to myself.  So what ever possessed me to pack my shit and move to Wichita, KS!!!???  I’m still trying to figure that out.  I think I was out of my mind at the time.

I guess it all started when my husband died in 2005 and then shortly after got conned by a sociopath out of $22,000.  Then I tried to do the online dating thing and men 100 idiots.  It was fun but extremely lonely.  I went out at least 3-4 times a week and it got real tiring after awhile.  Then I met William from Wichita, KS.  At the time I didn’t even know where it was.  So being the crazy, risk taker that I am, I flew out here by myself and only 3 people knew where I was really going.  I came here and realized how laid back it was and how friendly the people were compared to Toronto and packed it in.  I left my job of over 17 years that my daughter now has (and by the way she’s being promoted to Art Director at the age of 24).  I’m thinking damn…that could have been my job.  But I’m really happy for her.  Gave up my life, family and all my friends and came here.  I think I was tired of being under the microscope all the time.  Everyone was always watching what Jenny was going to do next.  I was tired of being Sam’s wife (he was my husband who died).

Here I am, working for $25,000/yr less, coming home everyday to 3 teenagers, cooking, cleaning, making sure they do their homework and the list goes on and on.  To make matters worse my husband works afternoons and he doesn’t even get the same days off as me.  So….it’s like I’m single but I have a thousand things to do.  I feel like I’m the live-in nanny.  He doesn’t include me in anything to do with the kids and he hides stuff from me all the time yet he expects me to play the mother.  I’m sick of this crap!  What the hell!  I really just want to go home and live my peaceful life again.  I raised my kids already.  Both went to college.  One’s an accountant and the other’s a package designer soon to be art director.  So I ask myself again….what am I doing here???  What is my purpose?

Well the cold really took over.  I’m mostly tired more than anything.  I’m taking lots of drugs and I’m going to take the night off tonight and just rest and drink tea.  Get caught up on some things like upload songs to my new ipod touch I got for Christmas.  I would like to go to the gym tomorrow so I need a good nights rest.  I didn’t get much sleep at all this week.  Only about 5 1/2 to 6 hrs a night and I’m so tired all day at work.  The problem is my husband works afternoons and he doesn’t get home until 11:30.  The good wife that I am, I wait up for him every night.  I can’t go to sleep until he gets to bed.  And then I’m up at 5:45 to go at it again.

It’s 15 weeks until my next show and it’s time to straighten out my diet.  I finished off the rest of the chocolate today at work.  I like to share all my food with everyone. I’m not a candy hoarder at all.  So I went around and made everyone take a big handful and that’s it!  It’s all gone now.  No more yummy Canadian chocolate or candy.  The only weakness  I have now is treats at Starbucks because the chocolate here sucks and there’s no good bakeries in Wichita except for my kitchen.

I’m hiring Jay again to help me with my diet and workout.  I can’t wait.  I’m very motivated and ready to go at it again.  I’m sure he will go above and beyond like he did last time.  He really knows his stuff so if you need anyone to do up a diet and workout for you, he’s the man….JaruebaT is his bodyspace handle.

I had a great Christmas holiday in Canada and New Jersey.  I ate entirely too much.  Didn’t do what I said I would do.  I was good for a bit and even went to the gym while I was in Canada but when we went the NJ we didn’t have time to go to the gym or eat proper.  We basically at three square meals that were full of fat and sodium and alot of junk in between.  I weighed my self yesterday and I’m up to 130 lbs.  That’s 11 lbs heavier than my show weight on November 15th.  It’s funny because when I weighed 130 lbs in the summer I didn’t look like this.  I had more bodyfat and I was bigger in size.

The trip from NJ was exhausting.  I’m not sure how I’ll do when I travel to Pioria, IL on May 2nd.  My friend told me that most competitors are traveling too so we all feel the same way.  I’m just worried I’m going to be too tired to compete.  I’m going to wait and see what happens closer to the show.  I’m not registering until the last minute because I’m not traveling 8 1/2 hours if I’m not going to be ready.  That means lots of leg and glute work.