goforitnicks’s BodyBlog

This is a  personal dialogue I wanted to articulate. It’s not for everyone but I hope it helps someone.

Some people see the glass as half-full. I am sure most of the competitors and gurus in the industry fall into this category. Others struggle with that. They are more half-empty, it’s a rainy day outside, eeyore type of people.  And of course there are the marginal - the glass is really full type of people. Which one are you?

For the past few days I have been doing an internal reality check. Since 2005 I have been comfortably-uncomfortably fat. I wanted to lose the weight but I ignored my unconcious desires because "I wasn’t that bad". The new size 6 was not that bad. The new size 9 was not that bad. I slowly fooled myself into believing that my new size 10 dress was just me. I was ok.  More importantly, a once half-full kind of girl had whinced into a half empty, woe-is-me complainer but yet convinced herself that she was still the tigger she once was.

Internally I changed, externally I changed.

So what do you think needs to happen for me to change externally? That’s right, I must deal with the internal issues. Believe it or not, busting my ass in the gym and eating cottage cheese and whey is 10 times easier than dealing with the internal stumbling blocks. But I am realising that working the body alone is fake, not really a change, it does not require a paradigm shift. It’s temporary. How many people have you seen undergo dramatic weight loss, feel the sweat of victory and then gained double what they lost in the first place? Don’t you ask yourself "what were they thinking?!!" Well that’s exactly it, what have I been thinking? Why am I so negative, so defeated?

I have been doing some meditation. Actual deep breathing, some praying and recalling of scriptures from the bible, and some concious thinking. I discovered the door of one of my stumbling blocks and I am convincing myself to knock it down. Just like the fat, my mind is comfortable with the self-defeating status quo but I need to knock that door down and have a bon fire. It’s work, but like the last squat I pushed out at the gym, I need to do the work surrounding my issues. I can no longer just sit down arms folded and say "C’est la vie".

So I am trying. I still feel like eeyore, but I am using tigger language by faith. One of these days, the language would change the feeling and I would be the Optimum Me. So if you can relate join me in the mind training. Tap on the problem door that you know exist. Locate  helpful resources that will help you knock that door down and Give yourself the o.k to be the optimum you.

Transform in then out!

So I got all my ingredients for my 10 day detox. I even bought extra groceries for the hubby so I wouldn’t have to go grocery shopping and be tempted. I told him to make his own meals for the next ten days, so we will see how that goes.

I am really comitting to this. I am lousy at following through, so I hope I can get some help from Bodyspace. Tonight I drank my laxative tea as prescribed. It was awful and bitter. I am hoping that I can get another 10 more teas down. yuck! I did a different detox last year and it was fabulous. I didn’t finish the course of course but I felt so clean inside. I can’t wait to get on the way.

This morning I did 30 mins of cardio. I ate o.k.   I look forward to tommorrow. I will try to do cardio on the bike. Strength training may have to occur next week.

So today, like a never-see-come-see, I ate everything laid out on the tables of the church fellowship hall. People You know what that looks like. All afternoon thereafter, I wanted to puke. My body was saying, "what is that sh*t you just put down your throat?!" Lovejones suggested that I do a cleanse, and well I am going to try it. Apart from the horrendous acne I have been getting at this age, I think I need a clean, fresh start to the last  4 weeks of my challenge.

yuck…the things people ccome up with for church potlucks!

Anyway, I rode the bike for 70mins this evening. Don’t ooh aah just yet…it was at a volcanic pace becuase I was more into watching the programs on t.v about weight loss than riding fast to lose weight myself. Having said that. I could have been laying on the couch with a bag of chips that were left over from the potluck. So good for me.

 I am going to bed now. I have to figure out a way to get cardio in tmr.

Cheers

I hardly went to the gym this week because my husband hasn’t been going and because of the nature of our life’s setup I have been using my gym time to chauffeur sick people everywhere their little hearts desired. It’s a fact: the female, motherly, nurturing role sometimes brings sacrifices too long to mention here.

I did some cardio this morning. It wasn’t really cardio actually at the rate I was pedalling, but I did do something. Before my long list of things to do tmr, I plan to ride the bike in the morning, this time at a faster rate, and eat well throughout the day. This means, making it through a ladies breakfast meeting at church (this is tougher than it sounds) and ignoring desserts at a dinner party in the evening. Why oh why?!

Anyhoo, I tried the hydroxycut again today. yuck, crap, ouch!. Tummy hurt like hell. I felt no rush of energy. In fact, I felt darn tired after my sluggish bike ride. Not doing that again. Yep, it’s official, I wasted my money.

I hope to report a good fitness day tmr.

I know - It’s all in my mind! And my mind is saying I will do it.

I hadn’t been in the gym for a few days, so you know I was hurting on the cardio machine after 6 mins. The last thing I wanted was some new PT trying to convince me that he wants to give me a free body assessment and workout session for the duration of my cardio time. Though I really could do with a professional outlook on what I am facing and a free workout partner to get my rear going again, I really didn’t have the heart to take his offer.

I knew that after the freebies I wouldn’t be signing up, so I didn’t want to take advantage of this spring chicken. It’s not my style…but he just didn’t go away. Eventually, in between panting and huge gasps for air I heard myself yelling:

1. My husband wouldn’t let me (he thinks he is a good enough PT)

2. More importantly, you can create the best workout regime and design the cleanest food program, but it is all in my mind! My problem is eating and I am the one who would have to lift the fork and put it in my mouth.

After audibly confessing that I had an eating problem to a total stranger, I almost keeled over and ended my workout. I am not obese, so I didn’t think that I had a problem per se. But maybe I do. I am seriously thinking that I need to join another online group that deal with mind matters because man o man, there is something seriously wrong with someone who goes to the gym 5-6 times a week and hardly see results. Why torture myself with so much weight  and intense cardio and then go and eat crap?

Where is the logic in this? I am grasping at straws here. Maybe I do need a PT? I don’t know. What do they offer anyway?

 This morning I cooked and fit in 30mins of cardio. Not feeling the greatest, so no immediate plans for tmr. I need to workout though, cause I ate 1/4 of a rum cake this afternoon while nursing some wounds from work.

 Tmr is another day.

Yesterday’s workout was weak. My husband did not go to the gym with me, so I was left to my own devices. I don’t know why it was such a shoddy workout because I was working out long before I met my husband. Now that I have him as a gym partner, when he doesn’t go I fumble around the weight room as if I never saw the equipment before. It’s all in the mind I tell you.

Today was crap eating. I started off good but a non-stop desire to clean house made me miss lunch and snack and well it went down hill from there: including an entire bottle of wine. It’s about 12:23 am and I can’t sleep because I feel bad about it. This past week turned into an entire cheat meal. How poor.

What pisses me off though is that I don’t even like food that much. Before this fitness revolution I hardly ate. It was such a chore.

Oh, well, everyday is a new day, so I am praying for a good start of the week tmr.

Cheers.

Tuesday I did jack squat because I work with behavioural kids and my perfectly planned days sometimes get ruined. I ate pizza on the subway, drank a latte in the hospital’s waiting room, and I devoured a buttered bagel while making drop offs way pass my gym time. What a day!

So I don’t know if that day has set the pace for yesterday and today, but I have been finding it difficult to resist the trini foods my friend’s mom recently brought over to my place. Argh! All I asked for was pepper sauce, but she added so much more goodies!

Anyway, I am working a double today so I will not be hitting the gym. I am hoping for a better day tmr.

I did good on the excercise regime, I ate my protein, carbs and fat in the appropriate ratios but I was friggin stressed all day yesterday. Apart from it being totally unhealthy emotionally and spiritually I was just reminded from previous reading that chronic stress can cause weight gain. It has something to do with factors such as elevated cortisol hormone slowing one’s metabolism and change in blood sugar levels causing hyperglycemic conditions. Not to mention that when one is stressed, the will to avoid a handful of sugar diminishes!

I made it through thanksgiving weekend with only one cheat dessert and I was proud of myself. However, for the entire time I was drinking my jugs of water and snobbing my mother-in-law’s snacks I was aware of how tense I was. "Try to remain calm, try to remain calm" I kept telling myself. It has been approximately 4 months now I have been stressing about an albatross in my life and I guess along with my daily journal to eat right and excercise I probably need to write in bold letters. " Stay calm and deal with your stuff!"

It is about 4am and I hoping to do a killer cardio session in 3 hrs. I probably should start this workout regime today by calming myself down and going back to bed.

I don’t know if this will be easy, but I am sure not willing to let my cardio sessions and food sacrifices go down the drain because I am not taking the practical steps to deal with my stuff.

I am going back to bed now and I am resolving that "tmr" will be a fresh day for me to attack that albatross and get my belly down.

"Here’s To Good Health!"

I have good legs to start with. Dancing ballet for over 23 years did some good for my thighs and calves but every leg day is a struggle. Today both my husband and I were gasping under the pressure. I felt like throwing up and sh*tting my pants all at once. I had to chant obscure lines like "I love doing legs!" in order to keep myself from giving up. It was a riot. I hope I can recover within the next 3 days before I hit these legs again.

In my last blog I talked about buying hydroxycut. Well the night before I planned to use it I couldn’t sleep. Imgaine that. I was cold sweating, nervous, anxious and well let’s just say I was close by the facilities all night. I read so much about the side effects of hydroxycut that they actually manifested themselves before I even tried one. Oh my gosh I’m silly. I don’t like putting things in my body other than food and well I don’t drink coffee, so I guess because I was so apprehensive about taking the damn thing, my body went into protective mode. Oh well, I’ve wasted money before on other things.

I did some cardio for the last few days each morning. 45 mins each day. I tried doing legs but I have this weird pinch kink in my lower back, right side that is preventing me from doing anything much. What’s new? Always some obstacle to make me want to give up.

Last Sunday in church this line just dropped into my head: "You, can only fail you". The reality of it did something to me that is indescribable at the moment. Hopefully it will translate into some awesome pics for you to see.