Tummy Be Gone…

So, it’s Sunday and I’m so happy that tomorrow is the start of a new week. Thanks God! To say I’ve had a crappy week is an understatement of what truly happened at home and at school. Monday morning, people I considered my friends acted in way that left me extremely hurt and I came home and took my aggression out on a jar of peanut butter. Now, I KNOW that I’m doing the IN & Out Challenge, but at that point in time, I could give a damn. I ate so much peanut butter that I made myself SICK!!! What good did that do? Nothing at all; None whatsoever. It just made me feel even more disgusting and I had to pay for it by being bloated and extremely uncomfortable for three days in a row.

And then classes were a nightmare… All of last week meant waking up at 4 am (not to do my workouts like I normally do), but to study!!! I don’t think I’ve ever studied so much in my life. I was reading, writing memos, taking tests, and fulfilling my responsibilities with a student organization I am involved in.I was so busy that I didn’t give a damn about anything else. I just did anything and everything I could do to make sure that I got the job (or shall I say jobs) done! And, thankfully, they did get done even if it meant not working out or cooking my meals or being unhappy and tired all the time. I really wasn’t very happy at all…

And then just when Friday arrived and I was slightly happy about the weekend being so close everything just exploded at home when my sister and I had a disagreement that became something much bigger than it should’ve been. I was so angry and so upset with her, with my friends, with my PB greediness, and with myself for neglecting my body all week that I just exploded. I couldn’t take anything anymore and so I decided that I needed to just get out. I needed to get out of my house and out of my head and I was NOT going to befriend peanut butter this time. No way!!! I just grabbed my sneakers and went to the closest park near my house where I spent the next 60 mins walking and thinking about what had happened this week to make me feel so horrible and what I discovered is nothing that I didn’t know already. I was just repeating the same behaviors that I have been repeating for the past 27 years.

I had two of my new friends here in Indiana over for dinner and the conversation turned to our bodies and staying fit and healthy. I showed them a picture of myself taken in the Fall of 2005 and in that picture I am more than 20 lbs lighter and I am wearing something I never wear anymore, a skirt!!! And, boy do I look good!!! I had spent that entire summer working out with a trainer and three months of hard work and sweat had transformed my body. God, I look so hot in that picture. So, where is that girl now???

You know what this week has taught me? I’m still the same person. I lost 1.5 lbs last week, but I let that little itty bitty loss get much bigger than what it was and I let it throw me off the bandwagon. I felt like "ugh! I’ve done enough to make myself feel good for a few days…" I was so wrong! And, I let stress get the better of me too! I let school and stupid people wreck everything that I’ve been trying to change and get a hold off in my life. And, when I saw that picture last night, I realized that I haven’t really learnt anything. I haven’t really changed who I am on the inside even though I changed myself from the outside three years ago. Where did ME go??? Why do I keep repeating the same loser behavior patterns that I’ve had for the past 27 years??? Will I ever learn? Will I ever say, "ENOUGH!"

I don’t know… But, I hope it happens soon… There’s obviously something other than peanut butter that is preventing me from being the best that I can be.

It’s Saturday morning and I’d thought I’d write about how my first week of dieting is coming along so far.

At the beginning of the week, I was pumped. I cooked lots of chicken and cooked veggies and even made muffins out of my egg white and oatmeal breakfast just so that I could microwave it every morning instead of making it all over again.

As Tuesday rolled around and classes began, I really got a feel of how hard this is all going to be. I packed my snack and lunch to take with my to classes, but I would end up coming home so late that it took everything in me not to cave in and eat "whatever" was lying around. It was hard eating chicken and veggies, but I did it.

On Wednesday, my day was insane. I was in either in class, or in the library from 8 in the morning and when I got home at 5, I just ate cereal and went to bed at 6.30 pm and woke up the next morning at 6 am! I slept for 11.5 hrs!!! Forget working out; I was just so tired.

Thursday morning started off on a positive note. I worked out immediately after waking up and had a very good breakfast. But, when I got home from classes (again late in the afternoon) I was drained! I just didn’t want to do anything anymore. My little sister, who lives with me, is also watching her food intake. It’s great that we’re both in this together, but since she eats pretty much what I’m eating, I ran out of chicken! Uh Oh! So, I went grocery shopping and loaded up on the chicken, but didn’t cook because I was again, pooped out.

Yesterday, I didn’t have class, but I went to the library and read anyway. Then, we went shopping and what was supposed to be a brief trip to the mall, turned into a marathon shopping experience. I didn’t buy anything much because when I saw my middle in the Macy’s fitting room, I felt kind of gross. So, I just bought black flowy tops and got out of there. By the time we were done with our shopping trip, it was 2.30 and we were famished. There was no food at home, so we decided to eat out. I got a salad from a mexican place, but it had rice in it and even though it was yummy, I felt really bloated afterwards. I can’t even imagine how much salt it had. (Apparently A LOT because I am 5 lbs heavier on the scale this morning!!!) BUT, I’m going to honest here. It wasn’t just the heavy mexican food. It was also the brownies I "treated" myself too afterwards that are the reasons behind the bloating. Thing is, when I "cheat," I cheat like there’s no tomorrow. I ate so much that I felt really awful, but I justified my behavior by telling myself that it was a cheat meal (even though my cheat meal turned into a cheat day!)

So, Saturday’s here and I’m back on BB.com reading bodyblogs and trying not to feel like a hoax, who is putting forth a half-ass effort to lose weight. I know that people on this site are going to read this blog and think, "she’s so not into this," and for the most part they are right. People here are really hard-core and really pushing themselves to live their best life. I wonder what’s holding me back from living mine?

I know this is supposed to be a Bodyblog, but I’m not blogging about my diet, training, or weight. I’m blogging about something that transpired between a friend and I during lunch this afternoon and I want to hear your comments about it. We were both talking about our past relationships and all of a sudden he said to me, "S, you have really high expectations. No wonder you’re single because no one can meet your standards." Ouch! Now, T (my friend) and I have known each other for not too long, but long enough to comfortable chat about our personal lives. In the past we’ve always spoken about him and his issues, as I’m never comfortable talking about such things with my male friends. Anyway, today was the first time I had ever discussed anything of the sort with him and to hear what he said has really struck a nerve. Now, this isn’t the first time anyone has said something like this to me. My mom and sisters say the same thing all the time. Could they be right? I’ve been asking myself this question all evening. Truthfully, I think they are…

I’m trying to think of why I’ve become the person I am today. I’m leaving my physical appearance out of this equation because I’m not going to blame my being overweight on anyone other than me. I chose to put the food in my mouth, so I take responsibility for that.

So, back to thinking about why I have high expectations… Well, I’m going back to my earliest memories… I’m a teenager and my aunts are talking about me and saying, "She’s dark, short, and plump. Who will marry her?" Here’s another event from the past: An aunt of mine is visiting us back home and asks my younger sister what she wants to be when she grows up. I’m sitting next to her, but I get ignored. (By the way, this is also the same aunt who told me a few years ago to quit the program I am doing now and instead enroll is a mediocre program because I’m simply not smart enough) Anyway, back to my awful childhood memories… Yes, how about the time when I’m 18 and my mother noticing that I’m a bad student (i used to be, but not anymore) says that I ought not to have high expectations regarding my grades because, as she put it, "Let’s face it. You’re not getting all As."

Aah, the list keeps getting larger and larger, but why think about all of this negativity? Well, I’m thinking about it because I think that it’s made me who I am today. I live my life today like I’m compensating for something or the other all the time. I have to be the best and I have to have the best. I want to prove all the people from my past wrong and say a big " F U" to all of them. That’s the philosophy I’ve been living by so far and today I realized that it’s not working for me. It hasn’t made me happy. I’m not saying that I’m sad; it’s just that I’m always looking for the next best thing and never settling for the things that I have at the moment that can bring me, or do bring me joy. They’re probably going on with their lives and here I am still festering years later.

So, what’s wrong with me and relationships? I’ve met some nice guys in the past. They weren’t perfect, but then neither am I. I either found too many faults in them, or I wasn’t happy; or whatever it was, I ended it, or they did. This isn’t easy for me to say, but I think I’m very judgmental. I wish this wasn’t true, but it is. How did I become this person? Who the hell am  I to judge someone when I’m so not Ms. Perfect?

While my family did tease me to no end, guys haven’t been very kind either. I don’t think I’m "hot," but I’ve met some guys who’ve made it their business to make me feel that I should feel "glad" that they’re with me. In fact, now that I think about it, I’ve never ever met a guy (not one) whose told me that I’m pretty. Hmm… (Is this the reason why I diss men? Just because a  few guys were jerks, I treat the rest like they’re going to be jerks too? Or, do I end relationships too soon because I think it’s not going to last anyway?)

I don’t know the purpose of this blog. It’s just that when all of your friends are married and "settled" and you’re the only one who’s single and gets "the look" from relatives, no matter what you have going on for you, there’s always something at the back of your mind that says, "where did I do wrong?"

So, I’m asking all of you: "where am I wrong?" "what am I doing (wrong)?"