Revelations
So, it’s Sunday and I’m so happy that tomorrow is the start of a new week. Thanks God! To say I’ve had a crappy week is an understatement of what truly happened at home and at school. Monday morning, people I considered my friends acted in way that left me extremely hurt and I came home and took my aggression out on a jar of peanut butter. Now, I KNOW that I’m doing the IN & Out Challenge, but at that point in time, I could give a damn. I ate so much peanut butter that I made myself SICK!!! What good did that do? Nothing at all; None whatsoever. It just made me feel even more disgusting and I had to pay for it by being bloated and extremely uncomfortable for three days in a row.
And then classes were a nightmare… All of last week meant waking up at 4 am (not to do my workouts like I normally do), but to study!!! I don’t think I’ve ever studied so much in my life. I was reading, writing memos, taking tests, and fulfilling my responsibilities with a student organization I am involved in.I was so busy that I didn’t give a damn about anything else. I just did anything and everything I could do to make sure that I got the job (or shall I say jobs) done! And, thankfully, they did get done even if it meant not working out or cooking my meals or being unhappy and tired all the time. I really wasn’t very happy at all…
And then just when Friday arrived and I was slightly happy about the weekend being so close everything just exploded at home when my sister and I had a disagreement that became something much bigger than it should’ve been. I was so angry and so upset with her, with my friends, with my PB greediness, and with myself for neglecting my body all week that I just exploded. I couldn’t take anything anymore and so I decided that I needed to just get out. I needed to get out of my house and out of my head and I was NOT going to befriend peanut butter this time. No way!!! I just grabbed my sneakers and went to the closest park near my house where I spent the next 60 mins walking and thinking about what had happened this week to make me feel so horrible and what I discovered is nothing that I didn’t know already. I was just repeating the same behaviors that I have been repeating for the past 27 years.
I had two of my new friends here in Indiana over for dinner and the conversation turned to our bodies and staying fit and healthy. I showed them a picture of myself taken in the Fall of 2005 and in that picture I am more than 20 lbs lighter and I am wearing something I never wear anymore, a skirt!!! And, boy do I look good!!! I had spent that entire summer working out with a trainer and three months of hard work and sweat had transformed my body. God, I look so hot in that picture. So, where is that girl now???
You know what this week has taught me? I’m still the same person. I lost 1.5 lbs last week, but I let that little itty bitty loss get much bigger than what it was and I let it throw me off the bandwagon. I felt like "ugh! I’ve done enough to make myself feel good for a few days…" I was so wrong! And, I let stress get the better of me too! I let school and stupid people wreck everything that I’ve been trying to change and get a hold off in my life. And, when I saw that picture last night, I realized that I haven’t really learnt anything. I haven’t really changed who I am on the inside even though I changed myself from the outside three years ago. Where did ME go??? Why do I keep repeating the same loser behavior patterns that I’ve had for the past 27 years??? Will I ever learn? Will I ever say, "ENOUGH!"
I don’t know… But, I hope it happens soon… There’s obviously something other than peanut butter that is preventing me from being the best that I can be.
October 19, 2008 at 9:53 am
Genki, not the whole damned jar! LOL. Girl sometimes life just gets in the way. You worked through it this time, and you will again the next time, cause you know that there will be many more "next times". Look at it this way, at least you got your Omega 3’s for the next 6 months!! Just get back on track, you know what to do!
October 19, 2008 at 11:06 am
In all of that chaos remember this - you did an hour of low intensity cardio as a stress reliever. You very easily could have just gone completely off the wagon, but you didn’t.
Here is hoping that you can sieze/find that which is controlling you and become that proactive person and not have to be reactive.
Why not set a very simple goal of a 60 minute walk every day? Doesn’t matter when, but find time for that release/recharge.
October 19, 2008 at 11:20 am
You’ll say enough is enough and soon it will be. You have to keep repeating that mantra over and over and consciously make a point to practice behaviors to make your goals happen. But sometimes you’ll get sidetracked and the behaviors will need to be reinforced again.
It will always be work. You work to make money, you work to make relationships healthy, you work to practice behaviors to make your body healthy.
Now you know what your weaknesses are. Find something to replace the peanut butter or other things that could sabotage your progress.
You’ll be a success in no time!
October 19, 2008 at 11:23 am
You’ve come to a valuable realization, that you tend to use eating and peanut butter when you are stressed, and that you need to find a healthier outlet. That walk was wonderful. You also saw the 3 year old picture and remember that it took hard work and consistency to reach that level of fitness. I’d try and find a way to make sure I had some me time. Time to work hard at my fitness. Time to walk and watch the leaves change. Time wher I put myself first. Start building those positive habits that will last you a lifetime. Good luck. Keep moving forwards and enjoy your journey.
October 20, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Yes it sounds like , when it rains it pours, huh???
Creating new habits takes time. It can be slow and it will be painful….but staying with your goals, creating those new healthy habits will build a whole new lifestyle that will help break those binge cycles.
Lets do this Genki!! You have lots of support here!
October 23, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Great Blog, Gen! Thanks for your honesty. Trust me, we’ve all had these types of days. I totally related to you on the "letting the 15lbs go to your head". I’ve done this SO MANY times! You’ll be fine, your mindset is slowly changing, I hope you see that. There WILL be days like this, but look at it this way, you are starting to think things through now. That’s different from before, right?