Tummy Be Gone…

I know this is supposed to be a Bodyblog, but I’m not blogging about my diet, training, or weight. I’m blogging about something that transpired between a friend and I during lunch this afternoon and I want to hear your comments about it. We were both talking about our past relationships and all of a sudden he said to me, "S, you have really high expectations. No wonder you’re single because no one can meet your standards." Ouch! Now, T (my friend) and I have known each other for not too long, but long enough to comfortable chat about our personal lives. In the past we’ve always spoken about him and his issues, as I’m never comfortable talking about such things with my male friends. Anyway, today was the first time I had ever discussed anything of the sort with him and to hear what he said has really struck a nerve. Now, this isn’t the first time anyone has said something like this to me. My mom and sisters say the same thing all the time. Could they be right? I’ve been asking myself this question all evening. Truthfully, I think they are…

I’m trying to think of why I’ve become the person I am today. I’m leaving my physical appearance out of this equation because I’m not going to blame my being overweight on anyone other than me. I chose to put the food in my mouth, so I take responsibility for that.

So, back to thinking about why I have high expectations… Well, I’m going back to my earliest memories… I’m a teenager and my aunts are talking about me and saying, "She’s dark, short, and plump. Who will marry her?" Here’s another event from the past: An aunt of mine is visiting us back home and asks my younger sister what she wants to be when she grows up. I’m sitting next to her, but I get ignored. (By the way, this is also the same aunt who told me a few years ago to quit the program I am doing now and instead enroll is a mediocre program because I’m simply not smart enough) Anyway, back to my awful childhood memories… Yes, how about the time when I’m 18 and my mother noticing that I’m a bad student (i used to be, but not anymore) says that I ought not to have high expectations regarding my grades because, as she put it, "Let’s face it. You’re not getting all As."

Aah, the list keeps getting larger and larger, but why think about all of this negativity? Well, I’m thinking about it because I think that it’s made me who I am today. I live my life today like I’m compensating for something or the other all the time. I have to be the best and I have to have the best. I want to prove all the people from my past wrong and say a big " F U" to all of them. That’s the philosophy I’ve been living by so far and today I realized that it’s not working for me. It hasn’t made me happy. I’m not saying that I’m sad; it’s just that I’m always looking for the next best thing and never settling for the things that I have at the moment that can bring me, or do bring me joy. They’re probably going on with their lives and here I am still festering years later.

So, what’s wrong with me and relationships? I’ve met some nice guys in the past. They weren’t perfect, but then neither am I. I either found too many faults in them, or I wasn’t happy; or whatever it was, I ended it, or they did. This isn’t easy for me to say, but I think I’m very judgmental. I wish this wasn’t true, but it is. How did I become this person? Who the hell am  I to judge someone when I’m so not Ms. Perfect?

While my family did tease me to no end, guys haven’t been very kind either. I don’t think I’m "hot," but I’ve met some guys who’ve made it their business to make me feel that I should feel "glad" that they’re with me. In fact, now that I think about it, I’ve never ever met a guy (not one) whose told me that I’m pretty. Hmm… (Is this the reason why I diss men? Just because a  few guys were jerks, I treat the rest like they’re going to be jerks too? Or, do I end relationships too soon because I think it’s not going to last anyway?)

I don’t know the purpose of this blog. It’s just that when all of your friends are married and "settled" and you’re the only one who’s single and gets "the look" from relatives, no matter what you have going on for you, there’s always something at the back of your mind that says, "where did I do wrong?"

So, I’m asking all of you: "where am I wrong?" "what am I doing (wrong)?"

Couple of weeks ago I discovered BodySpace and I was pumped! I contacted a few fabulous people on this site asking for their advice, one of whom actually devised a diet for me to follow (you know who you are ) and I was ready to go! Fast forward to a few weeks later and I’m still where I started. So, what happened? Umm… LIFE!
In the past three weeks, I’ve come back to Indiana from vacationing in Florida and I’ve also spent two grueling weeks on campus taking classes and attending orientation. I have been extremely busy and I’ve just not had anytime to cook, let alone plan my meals. The funny thing is that when I went grocery shopping, I bought egg whites and chicken and green veggies; I bought everything on my new meal plan. But, did I eat it. No. None of it! Instead, I ate whatever was cooked at home, or plain old junk food that didn’t leave me feeling very nice.
As I look back at the last couple of weeks and try to figure out what happened, I can’t help but think of myself being extremely overwhelmed. I’m not superwomen and while I do want to lose weight and get fit, I’m also human. I have my faults. I’ll chose easy over hard. I’ll make excuses. And, I’ll chose what I want now rather than what I want in the future. Bottom line: I’m not perfect! But, I also know that I’m not a quitter and that I can do this! I know that no matter what my day has been like, I need to exercise. I know that no matter how tough my classes are going to be, I need to eat right. I just have to do it. And, I am going to do it!
Last night I read a fabulous blog by Shannan about how to make the right choices when the wrong opportunities are presented to us. That blog made me realize two things. One, I need this website in my life. It keeps me on track. And two, I need to think about what I want the most rather than what I want at the moment. So, in the spirit of making a change and to look and feel great, I am at this very moment renewing my commitment to myself. With the support of people on this site and with my diet and exercise plan in hand, I promise to start being a healthier new me!

When you’re my size (5′1 and 166lbs) and have DD’s like me, plyo can be a bit uncomfortable. Nonetheless, today I just pushed myself and really enjoyed it. I’ve mentioned before on my blog that I’m on vacation at my parent’s home in Florida. Well, it’s hard maintaining a good clean diet with Mom’s cooking, but I’ve somehow managed to squeeze in 5 workout sessions per week for the two weeks I’ve been here. Anyway, this afternoon I was feeling lazy, but my sister and I decided to challenge ourselves by doing an exercise video with some plyo and we had a blast. I did jump squats, burpees, plyo lunges (or jumping lunges, or whatever they’re called) and then I actually, for the first time in my life did plyo push-ups! Of course I wasn’t able to do them on my toes, but I did them on my knees and I almost passed out, but I loved it!!! I also attempted doing the "pike" for my abs on the ball and almost got there. Then I did push-ups on my toes with hip-extensions at the same time! Yay! I had never thought that I could do all of that with my body, but I did! I also managed to do the plank followed by a T-stand. So, instead of being lazy and watching TV, I worked out and discovered that I CAN DO STUFF! I feel GOOD!