Tummy Be Gone…

Today wasn’t a happy diet day. I didn’t binge and neither did I stuff myself. I just made some really awful food choices. I was really busy in the morning, but managed to eat a good breakfast. However, I was out running errands and realized that I didn’t have any water, or a snack bar/piece of fruit on me. So, when I got home I was thirsty and famished and I grabbed at whatever I could find because I was just so very hungry. As I sat down to eat lunch, I couldn’t eat much because I was already quite full, but then I don’t know what came over me and I ate a slice of cake. Then in the evening, I had more cake. Why? Why? Why do I do this to myself? I knew it was bad for me and yet, I ate it!
Every night before I go to bed I look at back issues of Oxygen magazine. I look at the women in that magazine and am in awe of their bodies. But forget Oxygen; there are so many many women here that are in phenomenal shape and who are so committed to being fit. I wonder what one needs to be so committed? I wonder whether I will ever have that kind of dedication to get fit. I wonder why when I know that that slice of cake is going to go straight to my belly, I just eat it anyway.
I know that Rome wasn’t built in a day and that everyone on Bodyspace had to start somewhere. Yet, I’m realizing that what truly separates people who are fit and in shape, from people like myself, who are trying to get there, is that people like me (and I’m speaking for myself alone) are shit scared!
Honestly, I’m scared to lose weight. I really am! For the past 27 years, I’ve been the chubby one. I don’t want to be the chubby one, but what am I going to be when I stop being the chubby one? Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to be called the "fit" one, but there’s this image of myself that has been ingrained in me since I was a kid that is extremely hard to alter. I can’t see myself as anything else. I want too lose weight and get in shape. I really do, but I just feel like it’s never going to happen for me. It can happen to my friend Asma because she can do it, but not me. It can happen to my baby sister, but not me. It’s ridiculous to be so negative, but this is how I feel at the moment and many other times too. I feel like it’s just never going to happen to me.
Still, given the fact that I am negative about my appearance, I can’t NOT workout. I’ve loved working out since the first time I stepped foot in a gym at the age of 14. I will always workout and I will always encourage other people to do it too. What I wish I had done since my teen years and even now, is to be conscious of my eating habits. What I also wish I would get myself to do, is to think positively. I have to remind myself that I’m not an anomaly. I can do this too!
Good night

My sister has put up a picture of me on our desktop at home and everyone gets a kick out of it. It is a picture of me crying. I remember when that picture was taken. I was 10 at the time and my father had been teasing me and I just burst into tears. My nose is as red as a reindeers’ and I’m wearing an old white tee. This afternoon, my grandmother, who is visiting us saw that picture and when she realized that it was me, she said, "Oh no! Why are you so fat now? You used to have such a nice body. Look what you have done to it." Huh? I’m 10 in that picture! I had nothing when I was 10. No boobies, no bum, no nothing. I am TEN! Would I want to look like a ten year old again? Uh NO! I’m seething because of her comments. I cannot change her, but I know I can change myself. I know all of that, but her words have really gotten to me. I’m 27 and I still like comments like hers get to me. Arrrrrgh!

I never thought I would say this, but having a bodyblog is keeping me in check! Anyway, today has been really good so far. I am on vacation at my parent’s home, so can’t go to the gym. But, I did another 60 min cardio session (3.5 miles/417cals) this morning. I really dislike cardio and would rather lift weights, or do yoga, but at least I’m moving! My diet is going better than what it has been the past month. I had egg whites (love them) and a Kellogg’s bar for breakfast. I really wanted to have oatmeal instead of the bar, but there was no fat free milk in the house. I didn’t have a snack before lunch because I really didn’t feel hungry and I’m trying to really be aware of my hunger these days and not give into the mindless munching I am so accustomed too. For lunch I ate Mom’s home cooked food (lentils with lamb; she had put a lot less oil for me) and a pita. And around 5ish I got really peckish and ate a snack bar and shared a mini bag of 94% popcorn with my sister. I’m not sure what I’m eating for dinner (preferably no carbs), but I think I’m going to have another bowl of lentils because I love them.
Anyway, I weighed myself this morning. 166.5lbs! Yikes! Hopefully next Monday I’ll be lighter. Fingers crossed!

I am finally on vacation (at my folk’s place in Florida) and feeling a little bit stress-free. I arrived here last evening and the look that Mom gave me at the airport was telling enough of the fact that I’ve gotten pudgy. So, I woke up this morning and immediately hopped on the treadmill. I did 60 mins of some running, intervals, and walking on an incline for a total of 3.51 miles and 445 calories burned. (I don’t trust that I burnt so many calories because I find these calculations to be faulty) Anyway, I’m happy that I worked out on an empty stomach and got it out of my way for the rest of the day. Now, the challenge is diet. I’m going to make sure that I eat loads of protein at every meal and stay away from the cookie jar and the pantry. Good luck to me!

Facebook is wonderful, isn’t it? Well, on Sunday I looked at the latest pictures of a friends of mine and in the past three months, the woman has lost so much weight. How did she do it? She cut out sugar and white rice. I am now attempting to do the same.
At the moment I’m busy finishing up a grad program and I’m extremely stressed. So stressed and anxious that in the past months I’ve put on at least 5 lbs. How gross is that? I’m already 30lbs overweight and well, it’s not pretty. So, after seeing my friends pictures, I decided enough is enough. (I also happened to see a bodyblog here and that gave me loads of motivation) Anyway, I’ve cut out sugar completely from my diet and by that I mean no refined sugars. I’m still eating fruit. Oh, and I’ve also cut out salt.
So, I started this on Sunday and I can feel less bloated. That could also be because my period just finished, but I’m hopeful that this lifestyle change is the best thing to do considering that I really want to change my appearance.