Tummy Be Gone…

I was at the grocery store today and I saw a woman (my age) dig into a basket of Quaker Oats Chewy 90 calorie bars. They were on sale and she kept on piling the boxes of those bars in her cart. Now, she was quite overweight and shouldn’t be eating that junk in the first place. False advertising makes us believe that just because it’s a 100 calorie pack, or whatever it’s OKAY to eat it. Well, it’s not and I just wanted to walk up to her and tell her that. But I didn’t. How could I? I’m not the best example of healthy eating myself. I’ve been battling with food my whole life and I’m still overweight. Yet, I’m grateful that I’ve educated myself about healthy food choices and know what to eat and what not to eat. Now whether I stick to healthy food choices is a totally different matter.

I’ve been working out consistently since May and it was only when I fixed my diet (thanks to Stevep78) that I noticed some changes in my body. I lost a dress size in less than a month! I was doing so well, but lately something in my head is just not clicking. In fact, the past week has been awful. I’ve been trying to stay on track, but I keep sabotaging myself.

It seems that every time I make a few small changes in my body, something inside me just shuts off and I revert back to my old ways. I never stop exercising; I just start eating like a pig and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing all week. I start my day committed and ready. I eat my oatmeal and egg whites; but once I’m at work, I just go into "sabotage mode." I don’t eat my meals, or (I’m so ashamed to say this) I buy peanut butter crackers from the vending machine Once I’m home, I eat more crackers (same kind) and I’ll have cereal for dinner instead. I hadn’t planned my meals for this week either, so it’s no wonder that I was "planning for disaster."

Regardless of any of the above, I wonder why, when I know how important getting in shape is for me (I’m supposed to run a half marathon in October for crying our loud!!!) I keep sabotaging myself. Why? Why? Why?

I really need to stop this madness and keep reminding myself how badly I need to change. More important, I need to figure out why I’m my own biggest enemy…

I started running in January and after finishing a 5K in April (with much effort), have signed up for a half marathon in October. I have lots of weeks to train for the marathon, but lately, I’ve been in a horrible running slump!

I don’t know what’s going on with me, but this week, I can’t run. While I could do three miles, this week I can’t run more than 10 minutes at a time and it’s driving me insane. I have no idea why my body is behaving like this, but it’s driving me crazy!

I don’t want to give up, but this is very discouraging to say the least. Anyone have any ideas on what’s going on?

I hate weighing scales. Which one should I believe??? My own weighing scale states that I weigh 159 lbs. However, I weighed myself using my Mom’s weighing scale today and got the shock of my life when it showed that I weigh 167LBS!!!!!!!! Which one to believe? Well, my friends always told me that my scale showed them to be much lighter than they thought, so maybe my "real" weight is 167lbs. Uggh!!! Depressing…

From tomorrow, we’ll only have one more week left of the IN & OUT challenge and I’m writing this post to remind myself that I have got to PUSH MYSELF!!! So, what better way to motivate myself than to remember my 25th birthday.

A few months before my big day, I had picked up my first issue of Oxygen magazine and I was amazed by the women I saw inside. (You all know how wonderful all the women in that magazine look, so I’m not going to talk about how I cut out a picture of Mary Elizabeth Lado and stuck it inside my wardrobe so that I could see her everyday. Whoops! Did I just type that? hehe…) Anyway, I fell in love with Jen Hendershott and when I heard about her PHAT CAMPS, I decided that that was how I was going to spend my 25th birthday. My folks are the cutest parents in the world and they were more than cool about me going away for a weekend to learn about diet and fitness. I booked my flight and hotel and started counting the days till I flew to Chicago, the weekend of my bday, for Phat Camp! Woo hoo!!!

When the weekend finally arrived and I walked into the gym where Camp was going to be held, I saw Jen and I was immediately star struck, but she was the coolest person on the planet and within a few minutes I felt like she was just one of the girls, but my gawd did that woman push m! After an entire weekend of chest and back, and shoulders and arms, and boot-camp, when I finally came back home, I couldn’t walk straight for 2 whole days. Every muscle ached; every movement hurt; I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy in my life!!!!

I came back from PHAT Camp on a Sunday and I walked to the gym on Monday (actually, I wobbled to the gym) and I did the elliptical for 30 mins. In fact, I was so pumped after spending a weekend with Jen that for two and a half months afterwards, I would get up (without fail) at 5.30 am every weekday morning and go to the gym where I would do a five-day split and 45 mins cardio each time. Plus, I did cardio in the gym for an hour on Saturday. I WAS SO PUMPED!!!

This was two years ago and I’m 27 now and 12 lbs heavier. AND, I’m writing this post to GET PUMPED AGAIN! I’m doing the IN&OUT Challenge here on BB and I’ve noticed that there’s been an In&Out challenge that has been going on within myself for a number of years. My personal In&Out challenge goes something like this… (And this is truthfully what it is; I’m not making this up!)

Every night when I go to bed the last thing I see is a buff version of me running on the streets in a sports bra and capri pants.
Every morning when I get up from bed, I look at myself and think, "Hmm… will the girl in the sports bra every show up?

When I surrounded by people, I refuse to eat bad food. My diet is most perfect then.
When I’m by myself and especially when I’m upset, I’m most unkind to my body and I feed it junk.

What I’m trying to state is that what I feel like on the inside isn’t what I look like on the outside and I want what I feel like on the inside to manifest itself on the outside. I want to end my personal In&Out Challenge and I want to come out of it (as Adina said so cutely in her blog this morning) a transformation in the making!!! But, I want to be made!!!

As I read the NYTimes on Monday morning I came across Ben Weider’s obituary. There was a quote by him, in which he said: “A body is a body is a body. It has muscles, it has blood, it has bones, it can be built.”

As I finish writing this blog, I say to myself: "I’m ready to be built; I’m ready to be made!"

From tomorrow, we’ll only have one more week left of the IN & OUT challenge and I’m writing this post to remind myself that I have got to PUSH MYSELF!!!

So, it’s Sunday and I’m so happy that tomorrow is the start of a new week. Thanks God! To say I’ve had a crappy week is an understatement of what truly happened at home and at school. Monday morning, people I considered my friends acted in way that left me extremely hurt and I came home and took my aggression out on a jar of peanut butter. Now, I KNOW that I’m doing the IN & Out Challenge, but at that point in time, I could give a damn. I ate so much peanut butter that I made myself SICK!!! What good did that do? Nothing at all; None whatsoever. It just made me feel even more disgusting and I had to pay for it by being bloated and extremely uncomfortable for three days in a row.

And then classes were a nightmare… All of last week meant waking up at 4 am (not to do my workouts like I normally do), but to study!!! I don’t think I’ve ever studied so much in my life. I was reading, writing memos, taking tests, and fulfilling my responsibilities with a student organization I am involved in.I was so busy that I didn’t give a damn about anything else. I just did anything and everything I could do to make sure that I got the job (or shall I say jobs) done! And, thankfully, they did get done even if it meant not working out or cooking my meals or being unhappy and tired all the time. I really wasn’t very happy at all…

And then just when Friday arrived and I was slightly happy about the weekend being so close everything just exploded at home when my sister and I had a disagreement that became something much bigger than it should’ve been. I was so angry and so upset with her, with my friends, with my PB greediness, and with myself for neglecting my body all week that I just exploded. I couldn’t take anything anymore and so I decided that I needed to just get out. I needed to get out of my house and out of my head and I was NOT going to befriend peanut butter this time. No way!!! I just grabbed my sneakers and went to the closest park near my house where I spent the next 60 mins walking and thinking about what had happened this week to make me feel so horrible and what I discovered is nothing that I didn’t know already. I was just repeating the same behaviors that I have been repeating for the past 27 years.

I had two of my new friends here in Indiana over for dinner and the conversation turned to our bodies and staying fit and healthy. I showed them a picture of myself taken in the Fall of 2005 and in that picture I am more than 20 lbs lighter and I am wearing something I never wear anymore, a skirt!!! And, boy do I look good!!! I had spent that entire summer working out with a trainer and three months of hard work and sweat had transformed my body. God, I look so hot in that picture. So, where is that girl now???

You know what this week has taught me? I’m still the same person. I lost 1.5 lbs last week, but I let that little itty bitty loss get much bigger than what it was and I let it throw me off the bandwagon. I felt like "ugh! I’ve done enough to make myself feel good for a few days…" I was so wrong! And, I let stress get the better of me too! I let school and stupid people wreck everything that I’ve been trying to change and get a hold off in my life. And, when I saw that picture last night, I realized that I haven’t really learnt anything. I haven’t really changed who I am on the inside even though I changed myself from the outside three years ago. Where did ME go??? Why do I keep repeating the same loser behavior patterns that I’ve had for the past 27 years??? Will I ever learn? Will I ever say, "ENOUGH!"

I don’t know… But, I hope it happens soon… There’s obviously something other than peanut butter that is preventing me from being the best that I can be.

So, I’m now on day 12 of the "In and Out" Challenge and I’ve got a few things I’d like to share.

1) I love that this challenge is keeping me on my toes. I want to have high points as every week goes by and I want to make sure that the lbs come off too! So, I’ve been getting up at 4.30 am most mornings and working out and it’s all because I know that I’m accountable for the number of points I have accumulated throughout the week.

2) I’m thinking about me from the inside, out. D’OH!!! No wonder it’s called the In and Out challenge. Well, for starters, I haven’t had a single negative/pessimistic day since Oct. 1st, which speaks volumes considering how fragile my ego is these days as I’ve never been this heavy before. But, for some reason I don’t think of myself as 166.5 lbs anymore. That is how much I weigh, but for heaven’s sake, it doesn’t define me! I’m so much more than that number. And, you know what? It’s not a great number to be at, but it’s MY number. I was 168 when we started, so being down 1.5 lbs is a loss I’m willing to accept and be happy about

3) I helped people because of the challenge. I’m normally a very rushed person. I set these ridiculous deadlines for myself. I hate waiting in line and I want to be early for class. So, the past two weeks, I’ve been working on my patience. I let a lady go ahead of me in the checkout line at the grocery store; I gave my friend Will a ride to class because it was freezing; I cooked for my sister even though I was really tired because if I didn’t, she wouldn’t eat and I can’t stand that; and one more thing, I picked up my friend Rose to a ladies night out with our friends. I think I’m being a decent person

4) The biggest revelation so far has been the realization that I WILL ALWAYS BE BUSY!!! I used to keep holding off workouts thinking that I’ll do them later in the day and guess what? I never did! I used to think that if I didn’t pack my lunch, I’d get healthy food from the vendor guy at school. Nope; never happened. So, for the past few days, I’ve been cooking loads of stuff and packing it for class. I still haven’t nailed this habit, but I’ve been doing it a lot more than I have been before. So, it’s a start!

5) I’m drinking a lot more water and while I need to go to the bathroom a lot, I like knowing that I’m getting close to drinking a gallon a day. When I hit that mark, I’ll blog about it over here! hehe…

6) I’m happy for my friends at BB.com. The more blogs I respond too, the more people I befriend, and the more I realize that I am accountable for losing weight, the more I’ve gotten into the groove of losing weight and saying NO to bad foods. I’m not a saint and I do have my moments, but overall, I’m loving what this challenge is doing for me.

Thanks In and Out Challenge!!!

I only just got serious about losing my weight. I’ve been a member since July, but just recently did I "commit" myself to change. I’m not new to dieting. I think I went on a diet the day I hit puberty. But anyway… that’s not what this blog is about. This blog is about Thursday.

I had to go to a career fair and I was dreading wearing my suit. It’s a great suit and the only suit I own, but I barely fit into it the last time I wore it. So, last morning as I was trying on my suit pants I was dreading that horrible moment of having to suck in my tummy just to close the buttons and boy was I glad that I didn’t have to do that anymore. BUT, I wasn’t jumping off the walls or anything. After I got dressed, I looked at myself in the mirror and I felt so FAT! My sister, who lives with me told me that I looked great. God bless her heart, but I know that I could’ve looked better. So, I went into my room and shed a few tears. I started feeling sorry for myself and then I decided not to go to the fair. What’s the point anyway, right? WRONG!!!

I think my self-pity lasted a whole 10, maybe 15 mins and then something snapped. My mind was drowning in a sea of negativity, but I said, "No thanks. I’m full!"

I’m full of…

potential… I know I can lose the weight!
hunger… I do want this really bad!
happiness… I may be 35lbs overweight, but it’s not the end of the world.
gratitude… I have a lot to be thankful for.

So, the next time a stupid negative thought comes into my head, I’m just going to say, "No thanks. I’m full of potential, hunger, happiness, and gratitude!" Yay!!!!!!

Two weeks ago, I caved in and bought P90X. I’ve been looking at those commercials for the past two years and I always thought about getting it. Well, after finally figuring out that working out at 4 am would work better than a half-ass attempt to go to the gym after class (which never happened by the way), I finally bought P90X and it is, "Oh My God!"
Yesterday was my first day and it was Chest and Back aka push-ups and pull-ups to the max and I sucked BIG TIME! I couldn’t do most of it. I could do a few of the push-ups, but forget pull-ups. Oh gawd NO! This morning I woke up early to do the Plyometrics DVD before class and OMG! It was so hard! They don’t call it X for nothing I guess. It was uncomfortable and I really had to dig deep to get through most of it. I couldn’t finish it, but I’m not feeling too bad about it. I just have to keep at it and keep pushing myself that’s all.
Honestly, I keep wondering this… If I do these workouts and eat clean, will I lose the weight and look good after 90 days?
I hope I do!!!

It’s Saturday morning and I’d thought I’d write about how my first week of dieting is coming along so far.

At the beginning of the week, I was pumped. I cooked lots of chicken and cooked veggies and even made muffins out of my egg white and oatmeal breakfast just so that I could microwave it every morning instead of making it all over again.

As Tuesday rolled around and classes began, I really got a feel of how hard this is all going to be. I packed my snack and lunch to take with my to classes, but I would end up coming home so late that it took everything in me not to cave in and eat "whatever" was lying around. It was hard eating chicken and veggies, but I did it.

On Wednesday, my day was insane. I was in either in class, or in the library from 8 in the morning and when I got home at 5, I just ate cereal and went to bed at 6.30 pm and woke up the next morning at 6 am! I slept for 11.5 hrs!!! Forget working out; I was just so tired.

Thursday morning started off on a positive note. I worked out immediately after waking up and had a very good breakfast. But, when I got home from classes (again late in the afternoon) I was drained! I just didn’t want to do anything anymore. My little sister, who lives with me, is also watching her food intake. It’s great that we’re both in this together, but since she eats pretty much what I’m eating, I ran out of chicken! Uh Oh! So, I went grocery shopping and loaded up on the chicken, but didn’t cook because I was again, pooped out.

Yesterday, I didn’t have class, but I went to the library and read anyway. Then, we went shopping and what was supposed to be a brief trip to the mall, turned into a marathon shopping experience. I didn’t buy anything much because when I saw my middle in the Macy’s fitting room, I felt kind of gross. So, I just bought black flowy tops and got out of there. By the time we were done with our shopping trip, it was 2.30 and we were famished. There was no food at home, so we decided to eat out. I got a salad from a mexican place, but it had rice in it and even though it was yummy, I felt really bloated afterwards. I can’t even imagine how much salt it had. (Apparently A LOT because I am 5 lbs heavier on the scale this morning!!!) BUT, I’m going to honest here. It wasn’t just the heavy mexican food. It was also the brownies I "treated" myself too afterwards that are the reasons behind the bloating. Thing is, when I "cheat," I cheat like there’s no tomorrow. I ate so much that I felt really awful, but I justified my behavior by telling myself that it was a cheat meal (even though my cheat meal turned into a cheat day!)

So, Saturday’s here and I’m back on BB.com reading bodyblogs and trying not to feel like a hoax, who is putting forth a half-ass effort to lose weight. I know that people on this site are going to read this blog and think, "she’s so not into this," and for the most part they are right. People here are really hard-core and really pushing themselves to live their best life. I wonder what’s holding me back from living mine?