Pt's wife: It's a full moon tonight

Me: Ohh don't say that...you'll jinx us

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Pt has his gown off

Me: Why do you have your gown off?

Pt: It's hot, what does this look like, a god damn halfway house to you?

LOL

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Same pt: I'm a dirty old man, I can see down your shirt

Me: Well I don't got much

Him: That's ok my thing don't work anyway

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Phlebotomist: Hey you have nice veins

Me: Thanks!! I've been working out a lot

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Coworker: I don't take steroids unlike you

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Monitor tech is sleeping at the monitors

Me: WAKE UP that pt is in v-tach!!!!!!!!!!!!

Him: WHAT!?!

Ta ha ha good night