fromflabtofab’s BodyBlog

So after a bad day today, I know I need to make good choices.  Sometimes you end up having to deal with emotional troubles. But that happens.  What we have to do as smart healthy people is make good choices.  So today, I head to Quiznos where I usually get a meal deal including a large Chicken Cabo Sub with extra Guac, tons of banana peppers, bag of amazing chips, and a pop.  I am ALWAYS good though and NEVER get a cookie even if I want one! I can’t justify spending the extra dollar. (So what I’d usually do is go to Jewel which is next door and buy a pie.)  yeah that’s right. That’s what I’d USUALLY do.  Not anymore. Today I will get a Sammy’s Flatbread sandwich.  I will ENJOY it a lot because I haven’t had Quiznos in over 4 months.  But here’s what I have to say about making good choices.  It includes a cute story about my friend, his son, and his wife.

So today, it’s 12:30 PM and I’ve consumed 1500 cals already.  It wears on you and you finally sucum to it’s taunting.  Temptation of course. Hopefully I’ll be able to make up for it later today. But I don’t feel like working out either.  Why do I get like this?  Sheesh! I’ve lost 5 pounds in the last week. But today…. today is hard. oh well.  At least my students have given me something…. Today I got a paper with the phrase "This certificate dedicates January 9th 2008 as Mr. C. Appreciation Day!"  haha ok I’ll make it.

So here I am sitting at work.  I’ve had two weeks off. yesterday was the first day back.  Today…. I am so tempted.  I’m so hungry!  No… scratch that. I want to eat. I had a HORRIBLE morning. So bad I did the whole, SCREW teaching and put a video on and made the kids watch that while I did paperwork.  And so I ate 6 chocolate covered Mac nuts.  Not a big deal.  I ate wheat thins. No big deal. For godness sakes, I’m still under 1100 calories at noon. That’s not BAD!  I just feel like it is because I’m depressed today.  And I don’t use that term loosely.  I really am clinically depressed. Have been since college. But I’ve had some good days and thankfully some good weeks and months with a good year in there from 04-05. 

But I hate feeling bad about life.  I hate being depressed. I hate wanting to eat because I’m down. 

I like knowing that this is temporoary (right? sheepish grin).  I know knowing that I’m still not off the deep end. I like having will power to NOT go crazy with food. 

I’m so sore from workouts.  Pilates kicked my hips as I have been telling people.  And I want to do Yoga tonight, but I do not know if I have the pain tolerance.  I have gym with the 5-6 grade in about 50 minutes and I’m trying to figure out how much I want to participate with them.  Alas, I just want to be happy.  But happiness is fleeting. 

So what is this blog about?  Oh yeah, temptation. I HATE being tempted. I like feeling accomplished after I stand strong.  Is that enough to keep my mouth happy?

Warning, it’s really loud. I still don’t know how to control volume. DANG YOU VISTA!

I’m such an ecclectic of weird information.  I mean here I am a lover of dance, musical theater, and acting.  I teach music and gym at a private Christian school.  I workout out hard 6 days a week, and I’m studying to be a personal trainer. 

So I’m absolutely loving Christmas break this year.  It’s been 2 weeks of free time.  I usually get very depressed during break.  This year is no exception. Usually, it is because I miss my students and can’t wait to see them. This year it is completely different.  I don’t want to teach right now.  At least not in a school.

I’m reminded of an obscure song called "Purpose" from a musical called Avenue Q. It’s a parody of Sesame Street on Crack Cocaine!   The first lyrics: "Purpose! It’s that little flame that lights a fire under your ass. Purpose! It’s that thing that keeps you going like a full tank of gas."  It continues to really hit me hard. "I’m going to find my purpose. I don’t know where I’m going to look, but I’m going to find my purpose. Gotta find out, Don’t want to wait, Gotta make sure my life will be great. Gotta find my purpse before it’s too late."

And that’s what I’m worried about. I always worry it will be too late.   

"Could be far, could be near, could take a week, a month, a year. At a job, or smoking grass, maybe at a potery class.  Something’s coming, something good… Gotta find my purpose. Gotta find me." 

So who is "me?"  What do I want to do?  I hate being prone to extreme excitement. I get so excited about things.  Whether it’s church, a job, workout, computer games, musicals, TV shows, movies.  How do I know that fitness and becoming a trainer isn’t just me being "excited." Throw money you don’t have at something to find happiness or a purpose.  Now that I’m getting closer and closer in shape, I’m more confident in me. Confident enough to say I can go audition for roles in theatre.   But is that just getting excited. 

I read stuff in Muscle & Fitness and say to myself, that’s awesome. Those guys found some purpose. I look at my collegues who are famous conductors (who and some of them are good friends of mine) and think, Wow! They found purpose.  I always thought I have the drive to do what I want. But what do I WANT?!

I want to be happy and proud of myself.  How do I do that? A job? A role? The absence of rolls (of fat that is)?  We’ll see.

Thanks for reading.