Protein Powder Sucks
F*ck protein powder. Yes, I said it. The hell with protein powder as a supplement and as a meal replacement. As anyone who has ever dieted for a contest will tell you, protein shakes are not conducive to a shredded midsection. You need dietary protein, even right after a work out. Dietary protein is absorbed and feeds your muscles much more effectively than whatever crap comes in a plastic tub and scoops. Bodybuilders who do this for a living eat the highest end organic proteins bought fresh every day. It’s their job. They will also hold the plastic tub with the scoop inside and smile for the camera because that’s their job too. But there are only four situations where protein powder is acceptable, and I will list them for you here.
1. Maddi the MILF Huntress has a leather bag over your head and is straddling your back forcing it through the zipper into your subservient mouth as she smacks your ass with a riding crop.
2. You are on “Survivor” and you bid on the covered tray and win and it turns out to be a protein shake.
3. You are a child and your mother will not let you eat fresh broccoli and spinach and wild blueberries unless you drink a protein shake first even though that hypothetical situation should qualify for a visit from Child Services.
4. You are total tool of the supplement industry and don’t care who knows it.
5. Seriously, if you are at an airport and in between flights and about to miss a meal and get on a plane and be starving and forced to eat roasted nuts, pretzels or worse, and you happen to be at an awesome enough airport that has a GNC, go git you some protein shake. Hurry. Your plane is boarding. Get a bottled water to mix it with. Worse comes to worse you can mix it in a cocktail glass. You just have to do it in several batches. Like seventeen of them. Use a spoon if the stewardess will give you one, otherwise use a coffee stirrer, and grab a lot of napkins. The person next to you will say something but ignore him or her. They don’t know what it’s like to be you.
Now go away and leave me alone.
October 20, 2009 at 9:58 am
Gosh, after reading this I bet you’re gonna be getting offers left and right to endorse protein powders.
October 20, 2009 at 10:07 am
I know a good protein recycle place here in Oregon you can tell everyone to send their proetein they are about to toss out now. Keep spreading the message and make sure to let them know to contact me for a place to send all their unused protein. Good read by the way.
October 20, 2009 at 10:14 am
Where is your scientific evidence?
October 20, 2009 at 10:59 am
Personally, I think this entire blog really rotated about your fantasy about Maddi. Then you had to write something around it… ;P
October 20, 2009 at 11:35 am
GNC has the pre-mixed shakes…just saying.
October 20, 2009 at 12:22 pm
pre mixed shakes are worthless, anything premixed has zero bioavailability and all my evidence is ancedotal now i told you to go away and leave me alone. i have pictures of maddi to stare at. where is my lotion?
October 20, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Actually Maddi can feed me Protein Powder that way anytime.
October 20, 2009 at 1:37 pm
I want Maddi to give me a Muscle Milk enema.
Is that bioavailable enough for you?
Can somebody please tell me what a Cleveland steamer is?
October 20, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I can’t believe you don’t know what a Cleveland steamer is.
October 20, 2009 at 1:46 pm
LOL!! Now I don’t feel so bad about not being able to find a flavor of protein powder I like. Now if I could just get rid of that mental picture of maddi…
October 20, 2009 at 2:01 pm
herm knows cleveland steamers like my wife knows blumpkins. wait, don’t tell her i said that. i don’t think she’ll think that’s funny.
October 20, 2009 at 2:02 pm
WHAT??? A man is walking this earth who doesn’t know what the Steamer is???
October 20, 2009 at 2:31 pm
You drink enough of that protein powder and you can role reverse with Maddi.
October 20, 2009 at 7:49 pm
But it’s so convenient.
November 24, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Amen, brother.
December 3, 2009 at 2:27 pm
good thing i don’t body build for a living cause I totally love protein powder….well ok..extremely like!