fluffy_’s BodyBlog

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!

i always told myself that once i was in shape, i would never allow myself to slip back into the old habit that made my body bulge, back hurt, and confidence plummet.  i think it would be a gross exaggeration to say that’s what happened, but that’s definitely the track i’m on at the moment.  and no matter what i do, i just cannot seem to motivate myself to break the cycle. 

my weight is back up to around 107, and although my eating is on track 85% of the time, my cardio is seriously lacking so my body fat is going back up slowly.  i still fit into my size 0 jeans, but my muffin top is becoming more and more luscious (if i were actually a muffin that is!).

 i just don’t know what to do to regain my motivation!  i’m in a personal slump.  so far 2009 has not treated me too well.  first week of january i moved out of the apartment i was sharing with my boyfriend and back in to stay with my dad.  the place was just too small for the both of us and we were feeling suffocated by not having our own personal spaces.  i moved into my own place beginning of february and i’m now living alone for the first time EVER, which has been a weird adjustment.  just after valentines and a few days before my birthday, jamie decided that his priorities are all focusing on his show (he’s going to be competing in the canadians in vancouver this august) and that he just cannot give his mind to anyone else right now, so he ended things with me.  he no longer wants the obligation of a girlfriend, and wants to guilt-free put all his time and energy into training for his big day.  i understand, but thought it was something i could support him through…

…i cried for about a week straight and then decided enough was enough.  it is not over for us, just on hold for now.  there is too much love there to say that never again will we be together. 

however, with all that being said, i still can’t seem to get off my couch.  i go to work, i train others for a living, and i spend the majority of my day demonstrating and lifting weights for people and with people, so my strength is still high and my muscles are constantly being worked, although not nearly as hard as i could be going.  i’m making no advancements and i’m definitely not doing as much cardio as i need to be.

 i’m thinking buying a skipping rope - that way i can do cardio at home without having to freeze my ass off going to a gym.  besides that, i hate treadmills - if i’m going to run, i would rather be outside.  i actually got up this morning motivated to go for a jog and then realized it had snowed overnight   WTF?!!

three weeks left as of this saturday until i’m on stage!  i can’t believe how fast the time has gone to be honest - the weeks have flown by…staying busy with a new job and constant things on weekends has helped, but after this week, no more sauces, cutting back on sodium, etc. so my energies are going to go way down…

…had my first fitting today for my stage suits!  SO EXCITING!  it feels so much more real now - when i tried them on, they fit awesome, but then she started pinching them in and "shrinking" them down to reveal more and more skin…it was hard to picture what they are going to look like at the next fitting because there was so many puckers and pins everywhere, but i’m really pumped to try them on again and see even more skin!   even the one piece goes in really close on the abdomen to show off my killer abs!  next week i’m going to sit down with the girl and discuss the patterning for the sequins - i think i want to spend around $50 in just patterning (the jewels are $0.16/piece) as i don’t want them to be really really flashy, but just enough.  i bought some clips and stuff to attach myself as well, so with some proper sequining along with what i’ve purchased, i think they’ll be perfect…

…i chose purple velvet for the material and i’m so glad i did!  against my dark olive skin they are going to look stellar!

next fitting is next thursday.

going to a halloween theamed stag/doe tomorrow night.  i’m going as princess leia and i’ve made the gold bikini from scratch.  all the pieces are done, and painted, i just have to attach the cups to the top and the loin cloth to the bottom, attach all the velcro and tie up the leather lacing, and i’ll be set…oh, and i have to go downtown and buy a fake pony-tail clip in.  i made the barrette that goes over it, but couldn’t get the braid itself to look right, so i don’t mind forking out some money for a professionally made one - and then i can use it over and over again because it will be quality. 

so excited!  it’ll be my last small cheat before my show and much needed - i’m so lean all ready!

this saturday i will be 5 weeks away from my show!

 yes, i am nervous

and no, i’m not sure i’m ready

but i’m giving it my all and it’s coming rapidly!  yesterday i got fitted for my posing suits - a local lady is making them custom.  i chose to go with a dark purple velvet, and she’s going to work with me on the embellishments once it’s moulded to my figure.  i have to go in for my first fitting on october 23rd, and from there, i’ll get it fitted once a week, and the day before the show - to ensure that it’s perfect for my form and shows off my best attributes.

 stage dieting is SO ****ING HARD!  to anyone who thinks simply eating clean is difficult, i would DIE to have a regular clean eating plan as opposed to what i’m doing.  i’m at the end of my fourth week, and i’ve only been allowed one cheat day until this point - thanksgiving (it’s this weekend here in canada) is going to be my second, and we’ll see what happens from there.  i’ve definitely leaned out nicely so far, although i was really frustrated and depressed with my body for the first three weeks, only being happy with the way things are coming along since this past monday. 

i’m ****ing SICK of tuna!  and although i enjoy chicken and egg whites, i would kill for a bowl of hot oatmeal with almond butter stirred into it *drools*…i’m having a really difficult evening tonite with wanting to cheat.  it definitely comes and goes - and the fact that we have a whole drawer of fibre one chocolate chip bars in our fridge and half a cadbury fruit and nut chocolate bar in the cheese section doesn’t help either.  jamie isn’t home tonite and that just makes it harder   but i think i will manage okay…

 i haven’t been able to find any articles exactly dealing with it, but i’ve found over the last two weeks, i’ve become more emotional than usual.  i remember writing a journal post about something similar occurring when i was really lean earlier this year, and i think it must be the high reduction in body fat that does it.  i can be fine one second, and the next moment my mind has talked me into a corner and i’m in tears over nothing that makes sense.  any other women experience this during stage dieting?  it’s pretty frustrating and i feel bad for jamie having to live with me while i’m going through it…he’s constantly asking me what’s wrong - and truth is there is nothing wrong - but i can’t help but feeling completely battered and down most of the time.

this hasn’t been so bad in the last few days, so who knows *shrug*  my body is changing and adjusting to different things so quickly, i feel like i can’t keep up with it anymore…

yesterday i officially registered for the OPA show - level 1 figure - here in London, ON being held November 15th.

i figure the extra time will give me more opportunity to prepare, and in addition, because it’s two months later, one of the girls that i work with at the gym is also going to enter.  i’m pretty pumped to have an accountability partner who has the exact same goals in mind as i do - it will definitely help us motivate each other!

my body fat just keeps dropping!!  no matter what or how much i eat, i just keep getting leaner and leaner.  i’m down to 94.9 lbs and my body fat is now sitting at 12% - this was NOT the plan!  i’m switching my diet to a mass gain diet start on monday, hoping to put some weight back on.

my strength continues to grow, with no bumps along the way, but my muscles seem to be toning and leaning, not gaining any size.  i guess they call it hardgaining, but i call it frustrating!!

10 weeks out of show…and i’m too lean too fast.

do i really have enough time to put on the mass i’m going to require?  probably not.  but there are no other ontario shows this year   so what do i do?  

give up and just not bother.  stick with what i’m doing?

or do i keep trying and hope that over the next 5 weeks i put enough mass to make the last 6 months worth it?

okay, so my energy levels are returning more to normal.  my workout yesterday was brutally hard, but i managed to get through the whole thing with only a few minor grunts

but my emotions do NOT seem to be stablizing…

this morning i woke up feeling like i was going to cry for absolutely no reason at all.  i’ve been up for a few hours now and it has not gone away…if anything it’s only increased in its intensity.  it doesn’t help that i spend the majority of my time alone at work…the only human contact i seem to get these days is when i train.

i’ve been asking around a lot - trying to educate myself as much as possible to the changes i can expect.  i knew that diet can make you irritable and moody, but this is too much.  i feel like i’m in perma-PMS state…
…honestly, does it ever get easier??

okay, so i’ve decided i need a new goal - a bigger goal!  something to really work hard towards with a definite end in site.  SO, i looked around, asked some questions, and i’ve decided i’m going to train to enter the FAME bikini model competition in Windsor, ON on sept 13th of this year.

i think i can do it!

dennis upped my training all ready - and because of the new meal plan in my last post, i’ve been feeling really really weak.  i’ve been assured that i’ll adjust and soon my body will start using all it’s stores instead of drawing it’s energy off of the food i was consuming.

and i’ve got another friend helping me with my nutrition.  he’s going to come up with a two-week test program just to see how quickly and where my body changes.  then he’ll develop a 10-12 week preparation meal plan to take me right up to my competition date.  he’s a competitive body builder and definitely knows his shit when it comes to nutrition.

i’m excited and nervous!

okay, so yesterday i decided to take some MORE recents - to add to my progress pics.  i got my best friend to do it this time and we did it while at work…they are side pictures to show off my ridiculously teeny waist!

i also added some photos into my photo album from the calendar shoot last summer - those pics were on my way to weight gain, and i’m all ready down slimmer then i was then - well, i weigh more, but my inches are down and my body fat is down 9% since then! 

i’m going to go around the gym today and take some pics of our facility too   might as well show off where i work and work out!

so after i took my most recent pictures, i was SO bummed with myself (no pun intended!) and although i KNOW i’ve made progress, i’m still really disappointed with myself…

so i’m upping the weekly workouts and my trainer (thank gawd he’s such a great friend too!) has come up with a 1200 calorie meal plan for me to follow:

meal 1

4 egg whites / 1 pkg oatmeal (1/3 cup to 3/4 cup water) / 5 almonds
OR
1 pkg oatmeal / 1 scoop protein powder

meal 2

1 scoop protein
OR
2 turkey pepperettes

meal 3

1 chicken breast / 1 cup salad greens / 1 tbsp oil/vinegar dressing
OR
1 can tuna / 1 wrap

meal 4

1 scoop protein
OR
1/2 cup cottage cheese / 1/2 cup baby spinach

meal 5

8 oz. either chicken or fish / 1/2 cup green veggies

meal 6

1 scoop protein (no exceptions!)

<strong />

WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME OATMEAL WITH PROTEIN POWDER IS SO DISGUSTING?!!  tomorrow i’m definitely having eggs…NOT oatmeal.  took me 25 minutes to eat 1/3 cup…*gag*

i’m frozen at 113.4lbs *ARG* so i’m hoping this kicks that plateau and gets me dropping again.  i just have a little bit of fat left on my hips and under my butt on my thighs then i think i’ll start to really feel good about all the hard work i’ve been putting in.

i’ve started to notice a lot more guys noticing me   so something MUST be working!

well, i finally found the cable to hook my camera up to my computer - finally got those before pictures off my disk and into the site.

i had NO IDEA how disgusting i really looked back then.  why didn’t anyone that cared about me tell me?

i’m going to see if my roommate will take some current ones with me today so i can really see my own progress.  everyone tells me i look amazing these days - and i know my body is definitely different, but i can’t really SEE the changes.  does that make sense?  i can see that i’m different, but when i look in the mirror, i still see the chubby butt and muffin top that i hate so much.

i think that having some recent pictures will really help make this whole thing a reality to me!