flabTOOfab’s BodyBlog

If I could put my mood icon up it would be one of frustration.  It seems no matter what I try my weight loss is so freakin’ slow.  So sick of it.  Just venting - at this rate it seems like goal will NEVER get here.  So close, but yet so far away.

Fortunately, I KNOW there are no other options but to keep plugging away.

I was totally taken back today when my cousin, who has competed in figure, told me that I might fit better in body building than figure one day. She told me that body building doesn’t have to be “manly”, it can be feminine. I guess I’m not really open to the idea of body building yet. I mean, hell, I still have a ways before I even think about figure. I need to familiarize myself more with the sport as well. I still have yet to attend a show. I’m hoping to do so in a few weeks. Am I “big”?  As in “too” muscular??

I have to be honest with myself here and I guess that’s another lesson I’m being taught. I realize that when life throws something my way I tend to get in the way and interfere instead of letting things unfold naturally - so to speak.

For instance, with the situation of me losing my trainer. I’m so busy fighting it I can’t see that there is another trainer that might possibly be better for me, and paticularly my goals. Even as I type that I’m feeling guilty for feeling this and trying to suppress it.

At the same time, if I hadn’t have been fighting this so much would I have ever found that out? Who knows. But I’m starting to see so much about myself and things I need to admit to and work on.

Here’s the cool thing. As far as I’ve come, I can look back and see this journey unfolding in a way I never would have suspected. After all, I just wanted to lose some weight. It’s magical in a way. Being able to look back shows me that I’m still in the middle of the journey and more great things are sure to come my way. Knowing this is how I keep the spark lit.

Life… BRING IT ON!

Posted from August 4th
Bad news for me tonight. James is no longer with the gym. I’m totally pissed off because they have me by the balls on my contract - that I haven’t even used ANY of my sessions from yet. I feel like crying. I know this is tearing James up because he is passionate about what he does and all his clients, and I kind of know the situation from what he’s told me in the past. I believe they fired him because he is one that will not put up with the crap they give him, nor does he say he agrees with something when he doesn’t. I noticed the gym hiring a TON of new trainers - young. I think they made their decision based on the fact James is opinionated and those 19 and 20 year olds don’t talk back.I can almost see some really good things coming out of this already, not only for myself, but for James as well. He’s not the type that needs a boss, he NEEDS to be the boss! Several of us (James’ clients) are gathering to see if we can force a refund for the simple fact we don’t want another trainer - we’ve SEEN the other trainers. I won’t waste my time with them, especially after having James take me to a whole new level.In the meantime we’ll see if I’ve learned anything while working with him and retained anything from RC teaching me. Who knows, I might surprise myself (wouldn’t be the first time). He said he would make me a routine if I needed it and possibly meet to train once a week until Sept. 6th. I’m thinking I’ll give him his time to regroup and test myself.The significance of Sept. 6th is that he’ll be able to train at a gym right here in my small town. One of his friends is opening up a gym. CLOSE! Bonus - but still pissed.

Some other things I can see from all this. There is so much going on within me it’s overwhelming at times. I keep remembering that God only gives us what we can handle. Nothing is bad, I just feel like I’m being dealt the most I can possibly deal with at one time as far as my growth is concerned. I’m flirting with the edge, I feel.

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(posted from August 5th)
Man what a wild day for emotions, but anymore what day isn’t an emotional roller coaster for me. I almost skipped my workout, although I did skip my cardio. I told myself I can start the self pitty s*** now or get over it and take what life is dealing me and find what I’m supposed to learn. So of course I chose self-pitty - HA! NOT!!!

After figuring more out about this hip/back problem, I’ve had going on a year now in Sept. (ughhh), I decided I wanted to target this area more, since I’M in charge at the moment and trying my best to trust myself. OH… and learning from my… MISTAKES!

45 min. (I think - forgot to look at exact time)

3 supersets
20/15/15 reps fitball wall squats w/ combination bicep curl and hammer curl (10lbs/15lbs/15lbs)
20/20/20 reps Split Squats (10lbs/15lbs/15lbs)
25/25/25 reps lying hamstring curls (25lbs/35/lbs/45lbs)

3 supersets
20 reps bulgarian squat (body wieght)
50 reps crunches

My butt is quivering

I learned tonight I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. Guess I’ll go add that to my list of strengths. That makes 7 for my list.

Wonder what tomorrow has in store for me…

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Then RC posts on the daily motivator thread today (August 6th), as if speaking directly to me, but I’ve somehow already told myself…

“Each indecision brings its own delays and days are lost lamenting over lost days… What you can do or think you can do, begin it. For boldness has magic, power, and genius in it.”
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 1749-1832, Poet, Novelist and Scientist

Yes, yes, yes, I hear you LOUD and CLEAR. What a change I’ve made within myself and the continued changes are sometimes overwhelming, like I’m wondering when I get a day or two just to soak it up. Maybe today…

 

 

WOW!

http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/transf154.htm

This woman is amazing!  Her story struck home with me because like her there was that day I realized I weighed more than my 6′4" husband.  He’s doesn’t have a small frame either.  I remember feeling so angry with myself and dissappointed that I started really taking inventory of my life, and what I was doing to myself and what my kids were witnessing.  That’s when I promised myself to never do this to myself or those around me again - this was it.

I’m always looking for stories like these to inspire me when I’m feeling a little less than motivated or feeling like this process is too daunting at times.  I know my choices and that’s all there is too it, but people like Kelly Harsha really help me through the rough times, giving me hope again.

What a beautiful state, Florida!  If I could move there I probably would.  The beaches were totally awesome, warm and clean.  The scenery was fantasy like.  Coming back to Oklahoma was a huge difference.

Meeting Jillian was completely inspiring.  She is so well articulated and knowledgeable it makes me envious.  She showed off her abs to everyone and her arms looked FANTASTIC!

I did get a chance during Q&A to ask her about what a good calorie deficit would be for me, having to lose 40lbs still.  She had me stand up and said there was no way I had that much left to lose.  She said I was "solid" and probably only had 30lbs left.  That sure makes the road ahead seem a lot less grueling, I took 10lbs off in a day! 

The kids got to meet her and that was a surprise.  She stayed longer than she had to so that she got to sign everyone’s book.  I believe there was over 200 people.  She took her time with everyone and that really surprised me, and many others.  Very cool woman.

I think on the Biggest Loser they spend so much time showing you how much of a hard ass she is but they neglect to show you the other side of her, tender and caring. 

Anway, that part of the trip was fantastic!

 

Disney World on the other hand…. I liked it okay, but didn’t see what the big deal was.  The part we ALL seemed to like the most were the secluded areas in nature settings.  Seems like our next trip to Colorado will be the one that wins out! 

Glad to be back home!

SO, back to the grind.  Had PT (James) last night, 8pm. I was tired, and not feeling too much like working out, anxious about how I’d feel. Sure ‘nough, we start lunging. Lunging has gotten pretty easy to me, so I was really surprised to find I had trouble completing 3 sets of forward and backwards lunges, followed by squats (20 reps of each). Supersetted with push-ups. BUT, I was, once again, happy to see I was using 10lbs (thought it was 8lbs til after I completed the exercises) for my lateral and front raises, with ease I should add.  These are the feelings that never seem to cease for me that keep me going and LOVING it.

I started my cursing on my 2nd set of lunges and James said he missed me.  He said there’s only 2 of us (his clients) that curse and it’s me and Glenda, a 58 yr old woman that he said was the toughest woman in our gym.  He loves the one’s that have foul mouths because it shows to him how hard they’re working. You can really see the passion he has for what he does when he talks about his clients. I like seeing that.

Last circuit was 4x 25 reps of abductors, glute machine, superset with lying hamstring curls. WOW! My legs were so heavy I had trouble walking to the next set.

James calls out "SAFE" at the end of our workout, I’ve grown so fond of that moment, and welcomes me back.

Training starts for the Girl Friend’s 1/2!!! Can’t wait to meet more of my friends and say I ran my first 1/2!
 

 

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Ironic that I stand in front of the mirror last night after posting my last blog entry (Can Attractive Be Less Than What I see?). I catch a glimpse of the outside of my arm, and I can’t believe how much progress I’ve made!  My arm is taking shape like NEVER before and it thrills me.

All that I’m working for is in my mind, I KNOW what I want to look like. Sometimes I get discouraged because I feel I have so far to go to get there. Last night was just a reminder that what I’m doing is working and to stick with it.  I WILL see what I want to see in the end, things are happening.

The feeling I got was a sureal feeling, one that really spoke volumes that what I’m doing is realistic. I’ve heard too many times that I should be realistic while losing weight. I’m not going to look like… fill in the blank, I’ve heard it all.  Well, I AM going to look the way I envision myself, and I’m NOT going to set limits on myself, not until I’ve exhausted my efforts in that area.

Yeah, it’s just my arm.  But… before it was my legs, then my glutes started FINALLY taking some shape, and I’m actually seeing some abs show through as well.  I’m beginning to see all that I’ve been believing, and the feeling is astounding!

"I believe it because that’s how I see myself and by announcing it, it is reality… What you have in your life is based on what you believe you deserve. Not what you actually deserve perhaps, but what you believe you deserve! And remember, what you believe is determined by what you can visualize for yourself."  ~Lynn Frost

I’ve been getting what I believe are “glances” from men and some are even flirting, I think.  My problem is I don’t believe I’m flirting material.  My God, I still have around 40lbs to lose!  BTW - happily married.  Although sometimes I wonder if I haven’t caught up mentally to the way I’m beginning to look, I’m stuck at 247 lbs.

I see my husband getting more insecure as the weeks go by, but I don’t understand it.  I see more men looking at me and possibly realizing why I gained the weight in the first place, to avoid attention.  I see women giving me that, “bitch” look, and realizing some peole judge from the outside and not from inner beauty - which I do to myself, obviously.  Is it really all in my head??  Can I really be attractive at 195lbs with a lot more to go?

At what point do I see what others see?  And what is it that they do see?

As my bodyspace home page states, I had to stop running because of what I thought was a back injury.  I later found out that it’s more of an alignment issue caused by a glute/ab, hip flexor imabalance.  I’ve had to rely on the chiro for 8 months now to keep me in alignment. I finally decided that paying a physcial therapist to diagnose the problem would be well worth the money, so I did.  She did so within the first hour and was very thorough.  She told me the above, that my glutes were weak, and my hip flexors were too strong.  They were pulling my hip out of alignment.  Happy to add, she gave me the go ahead to start running again!  (ran a 5k to prove I could still do it)

I passed on the diagnosis to my PT who began focusing more on my glutes.  It’s been 2 months since we began buliding me a bootay (which I’ve NEVER had).  Yesterday I needed my weekly adjustment (yes, too often, but until I get stronger, necessary). My chiro for the first time in 8 months did NOT need to adjust my hip!!!

It’s things like these that I have to remember are successes too, not just that damn scale! It’s hard to remember this, but it’s a must in getting to goal.

Don’t forget to focus on the “little things”.

 

 

OKC Memorial 5k

Training for the 1/2 in the OKC Memorial didn’t go as I planned.  I didn’t have enough time after finding out that it’s okay for me to run with my back.  I tried to increment too quickly but my body was havin’ it.  I made it to 7 miles before realizing it just wasn’t going to happen.  I’ll try for the Girl Friend’s half in October.  BUT… I smoked my goal of FINALLY getting below 40 minutes for a 5k.  I had a whisper goal of 38 minutes.  I was pleased to find that my time was 35.57 for the total 5k.  The race was actually over a 5k though. The total mileage was 3.25 for a total of 37.25.  I’m happy!  I ran in honor of all 168 and their families and friends.