finallyaboutme’s BodyBlog

So i have been doing really good.  up at 4 am, in the gym by 430… diet on track.  just starting to see some results.  and bam.  i get hit with a decision that will affect my life no matter what choice i make.  and im crying.  and im stressed.  and i dont know what to do.  i have family telling me one thing, friends saying another, and i cant even discuss this with some friends due to religious beliefs, etc. 

for the most part, im hanging in.  but its a struggle.  and i kinda gave in today and had a green tea latte - which is green tea and non fat milk… and one bite of a snickers bar (then threw it away or i knew id eat the whole thing)

so i guess for me thats progress.  one little baby step at a time.  im far from perfect, obviously, i mean, my best choices got me to the weight i am, right!  so my question is, how long does it take to not freak out and have a little melt down like i did today, turning to food?  i guess i kinda know the answer, its all mental.  i need to work on that part. 

so the scale has not budged… probably should throw it away for a while anway… but ive lost inches!!!  i measured only my waist and my hips this morning - down 4 inches on my hips and 1 1/2 on my waist in just about 2 weeks.  guess diet and exercise really DO work! lol.  it gave me the push i needed to keep going, cause some days are hard on this way of eating.  after almost 31 years of eating the wrong way old habits die hard ya know!  but im determined.  i dont wanna always be the ‘fat’ one.  i wanna be healthy.  i wanna run and jump and play with my daughter.  i dont wanna run and feel the weight of my belly fat flapping up and down when i do… it hurts and i cant do it for very long! 

 thank you everyone for continued support and encouragement.  you all are wonderful!  i never thought someone like me would be so accepted here! (like me meaning fat, lol) but im starting to understand that we all have things we’d like to work on and change - no matter what size we are or physical condition we are in etc.  and by looking at all the amazing transformations (i think ive read every female trans. at least twice!) i know that i too can look the way i dream of!  thank you thank you thank you!

to feel like Im seeing results?  Its been only a week on my new clean diet and heavy lifting program but I seriously feel like my hips have shrunk.  Good thing i measured myself before i started.  I cant wait to take my measurements again!  debating whether or not to do it today - dont wanna set myself up to feel disappointed ya know.  Is it possible that my body is already making major changes?

Today is day two of SteveP’s PSD program.  Im feeling really good, focued, etc.  but, I absolutely, without a doubt, HATE hard boiled eggs.  HATE Em.  Im sure it will get easier over time to swallow five whole egg whites… but today, i felt like i wanted to just gag with each bite.  the only thing that got me through was knowing that i also got to eat some berries, and those berries would kinda take away the nastiness of the egg whites. 

anyone else feel this way?  how do you get past it?  im sure in the process of loosing 60 pounds im gonna have to suck down quite a few little hardboiled eggs….  yuck.

my workouts have been good though.  im lifting heavier than i thought i could.  EXCEPT the benchpresses.  i had no idea that darn bar was so heavy by itself.  how much does it weigh anyway?  needless to say, i could only do the presses with the bar, no additional weight.  i swear it felt like 50 pounds! lmao, oh well, gotta start somewhere!  im writing all of my workouts down, so i know how much weight ive done and can continually progress…. and im super motivated!

Ive been really consistent with going to the gym every morning.  I have a nine month old baby girl, and live 35 miles from the office (in so cal, that can mean a 2 hour commute) so i have to get my butt outta bed at 4 am in order to work out, make it back home, shower and do hair before my baby wakes up, feed her, change her, and finish getting ready… all to leave the house by 7 am so i can be to work by 8:30.  do i like it?  NO!  do i like being fat? NO!  is all the extra effort and uncomfortable stuff worth the end result?  well, im not sure yet, but i have a pretty good idea the answer is not no! 

im starting a plan by stevep78 on the 19th.  steve reccomends lifting heavy.  ive always lifted light.  thinking because it ‘hurts’ that i shouldnt go heavier.  ive never pushed myself.  even though im not following his plan until the 19th (ill explain in a second) i have been pushing myself HARD in the gym.  for example, leg day was tuesday, and i squatted 160, then did 150 on the press.  i know it doesnt sound like much to a lot of people out there, but this is coming from the girl that use to put 25 pounds on each side of the leg press…. lol and squirm….  and squats… forgetaboutem… didnt do em.  yea, im sore as eff - but it feels oh so good!  i KNOW im doing something for me! 

so back to WHY im not starting until the 19th….  five years ago i was an outta control meth addict.  five years ago  i weighed 140 pounds.  and five years ago (october 12, 2004) i got arrested.  and my life changed.  i got sober.  100% no alcohol, no drugs.  for five years!  im so excited about that!  this has been such a major accomplishment in my life.  anyway in recovery our sobriety ‘birthdays’ are a really big deal.  we celbrate and share our journey (experience, strength and hope) and we eat cake!  so, i didnt want to set myself up to fail right at the beginning…. 

anyway there it is.  im getting so much inspiration and motivation by looking at progress pictures of members of bodyspace.  i cant wait until im an ‘after’ too! 

So Saturday I went to have my body fat tested, hydrostatically….  It was kinda embarassing getting into a bathing suit in front of some guy i dont know, stepping on a scale, etc…  but he was super nice and im really glad that i did it!  here are my stats:

197 lbs

5′5"

36% body fat = 70 lbs of fat!!! (wholly ish)

fat free mass is 125 pounds…. the guy told me that i have about 25 pounds MORE muscle than the average woman.  i liked that  

anyway he printed up a bunch of stuff for me.  i plan to go back in 12 weeks after i do my best to stick to a plan made for me by steve poynter.  im kinda excited about all this!  i feel like im taking control of my life FOR ONCE!  my first goal is 22% body fat… so that would put me about 161 pounds.  i can do it!  i know i can!

other than that, stayed quiet this weekend.  let my body recover from weight lifting last week.  im trying to lift heavier and really challenge myself.  went to the gym at 4:20 this morning… back and biceps…  felt really empowered knowing i was doing something for ME!  i love that feeling…. and im sure it will only get better as i start to see the results of my hard work!

Made it to the gym again today.  feel really good about that.  did squats, leg press, abduction, calf raises, and lying curls.  upped the weight. 

 got my diet plan/workout plan from my new coach and am sooo excited about it!  dont know HOW im going to eat all this food…. but im sure ill find a way!  im going to wait a couple more weeks to start.  he recommends me just really getting use to the gym for a few more weeks.  i agree.  although i know all the machines and exercises with free weights my body is kinda in shock.  its been over a year since i stepped foot in a gym (got pregnant and got REALLY LAZY and fat!!!!)  so yea im excited. 

im also getting my fat tested saturday - hydrostatically.  im super excited about that, because that should really motivate me to move my ass! lmao.  but im not so excited to get into a swimsuit in front of ANYONE! lol, at least those people dont know me, and hey, i think ill go back every month to see my progress and i dont want them to think im a looser!!!  i want them to say my gosh!!!! shes kickin butt!!!  lol anyway…. getting ready to take my lunch break so im out for now… just wanted to touch base.  OH and i drank a whole freakin gallon of water yesterday.  not too bad…  peed a lot!

heres to a new day!  lots of water and chicken!

Ok, so day one didnt get off to the best start….  I skipped the gym in the morning, because I ate TERRIBLY over the weekend and felt like crap…. then at work, i had to buy candy for the office, and well, im fat.  so i ate a ton of it.  its no excuse.  it feels good to get that out for the world to see.  i could just stuff that reality deep down inside of me.  but im tired of lying to myself.  i am the only one holding me back.  i dont hate myself.  so why do i continue to neglect myself?  this time will be different.  I vow that one year from today, September 29, 2010 I will be in good enough shape to start prparing for a figure competition.  I CAN DO THIS!

 one good thing i did yesterday….  I asked for help with a meal plan and a weight lifting plan.  its easy to SAY im gonna do something… but i always slack off… again, neglecting me…  so now i sit and wait for my new food and exercise plan… and im excited.  i will have it all on paper, so i can follow something and KNOW that it will work, if i work it… 

 i went to the gym this morning.  dont like the 430 wake up call, but i knew i had to.  it felt good to be there.  i worked my back and my biceps.  only about 25 minutes.  im not sure really how many exercises i should do for each body part.  but im learning.  and i figure SOMETHING is always better than NOTHING.

 I did Lat Pull Downs, Rows, bicep curls on a machine, standing curls with a cable and preacher curls…  3 sets of 12 for each.  i tried to keep the weight heavey.  by the end, my biceps were pretty much at failure, although i bet if i had someone to push me, i could have been pushed.  again, it feels good just to be doing something for me!

my diet today will consist of NO candy.  NOTHING WHITE and refined.  im sticking to rolled up turkey slices at work…  maybe a protein shake as a snack later…  we’ll see. 

I absolutely love that I am able to post here and get support from you all!  its amazing.  i mean to a girl like me… ive always been so intimidated by people who were skinny and fit.  ive always been so embarassed…  THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for being nice!  i really sincerely mean it.  i dont think anyone who has never struggled with their weight  understands this completely…  but again, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.  i come to bb.com to be inspired and to learn, and it is that much easier knowing that people care about me and dont look down on me because of my weight!

So here I sit.  at my computer desk job all day…  I love my job.  but im fat.  and im tired.  (please, forgive the spelling and grammer mistakes… im also lazy!)

 I have battled with my weight my whole life.  ive weighed in everywhre  from 140 to 250 pounds.  im 5′6".  muscular genetically.  maybe even ‘big boned’ - but im still fat.  wayyyy too fat.  unhappy fat.  tired fat.  unenergized fat.  disgusted fat.  emotional mess fat.  self conscious fat.  angry fat.  you get the idea. 

today is my day one.  again.  i have browsed this site so many times.  i have been so inspired by so many women who like me have got to a point of being ready to change.  ive seen the transformation pics.  i have no more excuses.  if these women, some weighing 250+ pounds, can loose the weight and compete in figure… SO CAN I darn it!  so today is my day one.  i will post my diet and exercise here for the world to see.  i will be accountable to cyber-space.  you can read about my ups and downs and learn my ins and outs.  i encourage feedback… although might not be ready emotionally for anything ‘critical’ yet…..  heres to the first day!

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