filmchick’s BodyBlog

I’ve been away from here for a few months and I’m sort of back… A lot has been going on over the last several weeks where my health is concerned and compliments to the manner in which the healthcare system is organized in the States, I’m am out of luck. (Mini-rant…) Not only can I not afford the health insurance through my day job, but I make too much money to qualify for Medicaid or health benefits offered through the city/state. To boot, because I am not knocked up or have fifty zillion kids at home, I’m considered even more ineligible. I’m penalized for being an independent woman that has chosen not to be a housewife and stay at home mum. People wonder why so many Americans are upset over the healthcare system -this is why. I don’t make much money each year to begin with and I’m paying off the little bit of debt that I have, plus my horrendous student loans, like a good responsible adult. I pay my bills on time and do my absolute best to live within my means. Healthcare should not be so darn inaccessible. It bewilders me that I can travel to a third world country entrenched in poverty and get a life-saving emergency operation for free because I do not have health insurance and cannot do the same in the much wealthier country where I live (even if it is in the middle of an economic crisis).

 That’s my rant about the healthcare system, as it has been a very frustrating aspect of the last few months. I am the sickest that I have been in the three years since my diagnosis and cannot even go in to see a proper doctor due to the ridiculous out of pocket expenses that I would endure in order to do so. My weight has been up and down the last couple of months and the fact that treatment measures that worked previously in the recent past are no longer having any measurable effect is frightening. I’ve been going through yoga teacher training the last six weeks and it is a struggle to go depending on how I’m feeling on any given day. I’ve not been to the gym or been running in a good two months. I don’t feel well most of the time -between the fact that I get heart palpitations constantly or my body feeling like it’s been hit by a truck often or my digestive system deciding that it won’t work properly at any given moment.

I keep thinking how ridiculous it is that I’m feeling this way in my mid-twenties. The decline in my health is making me wonder if I’m going to be around in a year. I have absoluting no F-ing idea and as much as I can say that I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not going to live to be 80, I can’t say that I like it. I cannot say that I’m okay with the idea that I might not be around in a year. WTF?

An absolute load of bollocks… I don’t quite know what to think or say -except that my body has rebelled off and on over the last couple of months. It’s been extremely difficult to keep the weight on, especially my hard-earned muscle development. My trainer and I have made some changes to the workouts, which now include two to three Bikram yoga sessions each week to change things up. The full-body workout three to five days a week has now been changed to a different workout each of the three days that I’m lifting now. Let me tell, it kicks me in the arse. I have been sore for two days now. A good workout, but definitely l more intense than what I’m used to.

Between the weights and cardio, yoga a couple times a week is awesome. There’s nothing quite like being in a room that’s 105 degrees F with 40% humidity for ninety minutes at a time. Plus, we’re bulking up my carbs a bit and adding more protein. Homemade protein muffins and homemade protein bars, anyone?

Additionally, more projects are under way again. It feels so good to be back working on set again!

My busy schedule doesn’t always allow me to do everything that I’d like to do when I want to do it and the same could be said for the autoimmune obstacles. My training has been minimal over the last few weeks, if only because I’ve been so sick… The fact that certain diseases have the ability to mimic other disorders is a source of constant fascination for me. Needless to say, I’m on a new supplement regimen and a new diet. I can only hope that sooner than later I’ll be feeling well enough to get back to training five or six days a week. As the saying goes, only you know your body best. No caffeine, no starches or grains, minimal fruit and dairy, and no nuts. Bollocks. I guess that I’d rather eat a very boring menu and feel better than eat what I prefer (and a more normal menu) and feel like crap all the time.

Training is as it is… I have to get back to the gym and soon. I’ve been getting out running when I don’t feel like I’m going to break into a thousand pieces, so it’s getting better!

On a more positive note, our film was picked as an official selection at two more film festivals and on Wednesday, my partner and I found out that our film was picked up for national DVD distribution in North America. We’re moving forward with several more projects over the next three to five months and I was just tapped to be the producer for a 30-minute short that is set to shoot later this summer. On a related note, check out www.skillslikethis.com. A rock star of friend of mine shot his first feature film a couple of years ago and it’s been doing the film festival circuit for the last year. He just got national distribution for the film, so it’ll be out in theaters in late 2008 or early 2009. That’s my plug… Have to do it sometimes.

Gah… I try to update. I really do… Life always has a way of being very busy for me -no matter what attempts I’ve made at clearing it out. I am, by default, a workaholic. Always have been. Generally, this applies to my workouts, too. However, too many twelve-hour days have been getting to me. Needless to say, I’m switching it up. I have upped my cardio to sixty minutes, five days a week and have replaced two of my lifting days with an hour of yoga at the studio. I just need the quiet, I suppose. Too many days filled with conferences calls, meetings, and the unending beep, beep, beep of my Crackberry. The last thing I want to do is be trapped inside the office building for another couple of hours to put in a good lifting set -especially when I just want to play hooky because it’s absolutely beautiful outside.

And I must add that travelling for film festivals and screenings does NOT make it easy to eat clean all the time. However, I’m persevering. I must. I’m FINALLY seeing some results. For a small person like me, it’s awesome to see the definition in my arms! I just have to stick with eating clean and REGULARLY. When there are fifty million tasks and calls smashed into ten or twelve hours and you’re running from one meeting to another, sometimes you forget to eat. I completely forgot to eat yesterday afternoon after lunch (seven hours between meals is VERY BAD and equated to not going to the gym because I about keeled over) because it’s so mad at the office. I have to fix that… Plus, my symptoms have shifted with the autoimmune stuff, so I’m almost back at square one where my diet is concerned. It is one of the most frustrating parts of having an autoimmune disease -so many different things can throw it all out of whack. Surgery messed with it, so now I’m having to get rid of things in my diet that I’ve been eating and now cannot tolerate. No more nuts, nothing with chocolate, out with almost ALL dairy, no coffee, or caffeine. The changes in the weather have been affecting me, too. Anytime it gets cool (we had a few days of frigid rain), I get arthritic. Heck, just the shift in seasons makes me ill. Sometimes I wish it didn’t matter and I’d love to do whatever I want with the diet and what not…. but I don’t. I stick with what makes me feel better. No weekly glass of wine anymore. My friends tell me that I’ve become very boring in that department and all I do is shrug.

Also… I’m going to start posting my playlists. I’m sure that someone could use a new mix every now and then and I’m a nutter about having a good playlist.

1. "Falling Away With You" ~ Muse

2. "Something To Believe In" ~ Aqualung

3. "Because I Want You" ~ Placebo

4. "Velvet Snow" ~ Kings of Leon

5. "Nobody Loved You" ~ Manic Street Preachers

6. "Crazy Bitch" ~ Buckcherry

7. "Good Life" ~ Kanye West

8. "Capital G" ~ Nine Inch Nails

9. "Invasion" ~ UNKLE

10. "Fantasy" ~ Mariah Carey (yes, it’s that old and I don’t generally like pop)

11. "Tao of Now" ~ Saul Williams

12. "All At Once" ~ Secret Machines

13. "Breathe Me (Mylo Mix)" ~ Sia

14. "Naive" ~ The Kooks

15. "Stay With You" ~ Lemon Jelly

So that’s my latest adventure. I’m off to more film screenings and more projects. Planning the next trip… Hola Buenos Aires! Me gusta!

You have to love the road to recovery, even if it only makes you swear that you’ll walk through the waters of hell to make sure you never have to deal with again. I’m so happy with myself and the progress that I’m seeing at the gym -as afraid as it makes me sometimes. I made it through a yoga class and two big sessions at the gym this week, plus I’m going to head out for a run at some point Saturday. The gains I’m seeing with my strength -especially with my legs- serve to plaster a smile on my face as I head to the showers. The abdominal area is going to take a bit longer, though. A single, 12-rep set of v-ups was all I could muster today and obviously, my insides in that area aren’t quite ready for such stress yet: post-workout bleeding just plain stinks.

I have to wonder, as well, how long it’s going to take for my body to purge all of the pharmaceutical residue. I’m still dealing with side effects from the six weeks of antibiotics and everything else. The whole ordeal certainly has thrown the symptoms of my autoimmune disease out of whack. Give me my supplements, please! I’d kill to actually sleep a full eight hours or not feel like my joints are encrusted with rust… (I should mention that I don’t practice traditional medicine, so outside of getting pneumonia back in December of 2006 I can’t remember the last time I had pharmaceutical drugs of ANY KIND.)

At least things are progressing… I can’t wait for the weather to clear up a bit so that I can take my cardio outdoors, instead of braving the boredom of the treadmill or elliptical. Gah…

…"And it’s such a shame
That you try to make pain
Another word for my name
Whether giving or receiving
It’s one and the same
Just one more link
In your long-ass chain
But it’s time to break
This frame and my strengthful will
Time to jump off this negative cycle we’ve built
Gave my heart
But my self-respect you won’t steal
Now it’s time to let ya go if you can’t hear or feel me."

I’ve kind of been in this depressed, me-against-the-world state of mind over the last couple of months. It has sucked. I don’t remember hitting such a low point in probably five years. All I can think of was walking home from work late the other night and seeing the waxing moon sitting heavily in the sky, its gold rays illuminating a stretch of clouds clinging to it, and suddenly feeling so thankful as the melancholy shifted.

I quit my day job today with the knowledge that my student loans are coming due in about three weeks. The fact that I am solely responsible for my happiness both terrifies and motivates me. I have nothing but negative things to say about slinging alcohol and coffee for that cafe/bar. It neither pays enough nor fills me with any sense of joy. In fact, it can be said that it has come to a point of filling every fiber of my being with anger and irritation and dis-ease. I refuse to be the cause of my own unhappiness and I’ve spent enough time procrastinating where my career is concerned. Needless to say, I’m so grateful to have my other job -which isn’t a day job- to fall back on. It’s high time that I stop procrastinating and really push myself and my career into other areas. As scary as it is to lose the income, I know that I’ve got about four weeks to get things rocking.

Here is why I need to rant… I put my notice in a few days back and it was "forgotten". He purposely didn’t hear me. Between the guilt trip and the temper tantrum concerning dropping shifts, leaving all together, and whatever else happens to suit his fancy, I’ve had enough. How dare you go out of your way to make me feel guilty for taking charge of my own life. How dare you make me feel bad for not wanting to put up with your crap anymore. How dare you attempt to inflict your own drama and issues with this on me. I am simply purging myself of the toxic elements in my life and quite frankly, this is bollocks. I deserve better. I treat myself better than this, so why on earth would I allow someone else to treat me so badly?? Grr, ARGH.

Onwards, the extra time will finally allow me to enjoy the fruits of my labours and work toward something better. Plus, I don’t have to feel as though the only time I take for myself and my own needs is the few hours spent at the gym each week. Things at the gym ARE going better. I made it to a yoga class yesterday and put in just over an hour at the gym this morning. Great workout… There is something to be said for the delicious soreness that comes after a hard workout because you KNOW you’re pushing your body to better. I love it…. The decision has also been made to go back to the low-starch diet plan, as well as eliminating fish/seafood AGAIN. The body decided it had enough.

Conclusively? It’s just one day at a time. No more and no less.  

Thank goodness for muscle memory. I ended up having to take some extra time before going back to the gym, as the post-surgery body was not quite ready for activity yet. (I went to a yoga class and ended up with such soreness and pain in the area of the incision that I had to wait another ten days.) Much to my surprise, the loss of strength isn’t nearly as much as the loss of stamina. I can still lift a decent amount of weight, but not as many reps yet -and the cardio that I complete as part of my warmup kicked my arse! It made me think back to when I first got into running seriously a number of years back. I was coming from a kickboxing and cycling background with some yoga thrown in. I could bike a good fifteen or twenty miles in an hour and be fine. I went out for my first run and you’d think I’d never exercised in my life -that’s about how I felt getting off the elliptical today. Now I just need to kick my own ass and make sure that I keep going (as well as sticking to eating clean!).

Also have to add other good news… My business partner and I found out last week that our film (he directed and I produced) is an official selection of the Indie Spirit Film Festival next month, so it’s a big "Yay!" for our little production company.

I don’t know if there is anything quite as frustrating as periods when you’re prepared and pumped up mentally and the body is not yet ready to follow suit. As the cliche goes, it’s supposed to be mind over matter and unfortunately, that doesn’t always render true. I really believed that I’d be ready to head back to the gym this week. It’s been a month since surgery and I figured that even if I were running a little slow, I’d still have the energy to get a short workout in. More than anything, the entire experience taught has taught me the value of giving your body rest. I haven’t been able to work full-time for the last month because of recovery and low energy reserves. I don’t know what made me think that I could jump back into sixty-hour work weeks and a couple of good training sessions during the same week. I’m still amazed and awed, even, at the toll this event has taken on my body. You think, perhaps naively, that you know yourself and the boundaries or limits that bind you. The universe has a way of letting you know that you never stop learning about yourself, I suppose. It goes back to prolific Socrates and his thought that the "unexamined life is not worth living", along with Ben Franklin’s thought that the day we stop learning is the day we die.

On a relevant tangent, extracting myself from the re-feeding of recovery and sticking my toe back into the clean eating pool has been an experience. Because it’s been a good ten years or so since I’ve had a regular soda or any significant amount of refined sugar, I’m very sensitive to sugar and/or caffeine. Needless to say, going back to clean eating after a month of being fed practically nothing but high-starch and sugary foods has caused me to feel like a drug addict. I feel like I’m in withdrawal from speed. Headaches, insane cravings for sugar and starches, and an erratic heartbeat… I’ve also discovered that my alcohol tolerance (I allow a glass of wine a couple nights a week) has decreased to the extent that being called a "cheap date" is beyond laughable. I have more than a couple sips and I’m a blithering idiot. I have a huge stamp on my forehead that says, "One sip lush! Who wants to see how fast I can get plastered???" I’m hoping it all subsides in a day or so. The only thing keeping me from the darn chocolate mousse is the fact that I desperately want my body back! Good enough reason to me…

(Back story: I normally hover just under 100 pounds when I’m healthy. The ruptured appendix and infections that came with it pre- and post-surgery caused my weight to drop to around 85 pounds or a little less. Because of this low body-weight, I wasn’t able to even walk around, so I was given a lot of sugar and high-fat foods during the re-feeding in order to get any kind of weight on my body.)

I keep telling myself that it’s only a couple more days before I can head back to the gym. Six weeks without going to the gym -four of which were involuntary- kills me. I know that I’m going to have to work my way back up to my strength. Being an ectomorph with some mesomorph tendencies, I put on lean mass somewhat easily, but keeping it on is hard work. I lost a lot of muscle mass… It’s so sad because not only have I lost the mass, but I’ve lost symmetry, too. I’ll just have to work hard to get back in shape. The picture on my desktop is definitely motivating -killer eight pack on a woman.

Sunday I’m jumping on the bulking diet bandwagon, complete with pictures and diet plan. I feel like I’ve spent the last month partying with all the unclean eating. It was the first time in probably ten years that I’ve had a regular soda. Goodbye sedentary life, welcome back clean eating and activities. I also started eating fish again after so many years… Recently discovered swordfish. Testing it out for three months. Seeing if my body feels any better. If there’s no change, I’ll go back to my usual fish-free vegetarian diet.

I’ve taken time off from the gym before -either because my work kept me from making time for it or due to illness/injury. The effort required to get back to training has never been very great. I slip back into the gym routine without having lost a lot of size or strength, generally. About a month ago, I was in Guatemala on holiday and wound up with a ruptured appendix that required surgery. I also contracted a severe upper respiratory infection, as well as a post-surgery infection. All of this equals lots of weight loss, muscle atrophy, and "re-feeding" by hospital standards. I’m back to eating a little better now and have gained some weight back, though not how I wanted to. Long story short… I went to do something as small as push-ups and my muscles have atrophied more than I thought. Two push-ups was all I could muster before collapsing. Bah! It’s so frustrating when you’re pumped up mentally and the body cannot keep up yet… At least there’s only one more week to go before I head back to the gym!

Meal 1 (1130h): 2 scoops whey protein, 6 ounces water, 1/4c strawberries