Aside from that, I’m dreading Thanksgiving. It’s literally a holiday devoted to a huge feast… which is like "death" to ME. I love turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes (NO gravy!) and REAL cranberry sauce (NOT the canned crap!) and pumpkin pie annnnnnd, a new tradition my dads wifes mother introduced me to, Maryland Crab Cakes… they are sooo good!

 Bah! You can tell I’m such a huge fatty! Least I lost OVER 100 lbs, so I’m not AS fat. I think I will post a picture of my highest weight next to a picture of me NOW. By the way, if anyone reads this far, and wants to see pics of me, Black Friday is THIS friday. So PLEASE, check back here on Friday night because I will probably post pics ASAP and i will want LOTS of feed back for inspiration and motivation.

Take care people, and have a Happy Holiday!

 I’ve set my personal goal to lose 3 pounds a week and I am right on target… i just hate how in the begining i was losing like 7 - 10 pounds a week. (i was HUGE! remember people i lost over 100 lbs so at the time it was not unhealthy for me to do). So just in comparison naturally I’m being over impatient.

 Also… I need to be stricter in diet and working out but can’t bring myself to do so. One of those situations where i know what i *should* be doing, but can never "stick" to it. I know I should be all lean protein and less fat/sugar… well cutting out fat for me is remarkably easy. I actually don’t care about fat anymore. I realised sugar is my new weakness.

 I never used to care about sugar in my early days, i was all about fats and carbs. But I have been noticing it’s near imposible for me to find beverages with no sugar and no chemicals. Everything is either loaded with sugar, checmicals, or sodium. Except the almighty WATER…. which makes me sick. (i’ve tried EVERYTHING, taking little sips alllll day for over a month(s) at a time, drinking it cold, drinking it warm, drinking tap, drinking bottle, distilled/spring etc…. yada yada, always makes ME sick).

I’ve never tried energy drinks… considering i lost this weight by avoiding chemicals and energy drinks represent the epitome of what caused me to gain all the weight i did to begin with (since to me they are nothing but chemicals in a can)… i tend to rather avoid them. I should post a question about this where I might actually get an answer…

 In any case, slow and steady is the best way to go, I just need to ride this out till the end …where ever the end may be.

 Anyhow… this is just a quick update. So nothing more to really say. I’m still going strong and plan to stay strong in this battle. Much luck to all who are on their way to their goals too, and much thanks to all those who have given me support along my way.

I know exactly what i NEED to do to stay on track but knowing is only HALF the actual battle itself. Actually getting up and DOING what i NEED to is a whole nother story and THAT is what’s got me so peeved.

 The all too familiar "easier said than done" crap. I’m sick of that. Other people go and DO and be what they want. I’m so used to being hasseled by people who just come off like "You just need to get up off your ass and DO IT. It’s not easy, but you have to PUSH yourself"… like it’s some magical solution. Like the whole world of fat asses out there, that’s the whole problem. We just sit around and do nothing.

 Now granted, I’m not saying that I lost 90 lbs (that’s righti have lost 90 lbs thank you!) by sitting round stuffing my face… but at the same time, to this very DAY, i despise working out. (i’m going to be shun from this site for saying that lol) But I’m not kidding. I can’t stand it and it infurriated me even more that everyone else i know loves working out once they "get into it" they get all giddy and excited and they LOVE to get all pumped up or get that cardio in whatever…. me? NO.

 Even DOCTORS claim "oh yes, excersize is wonderful, when we work out our bodies release natural endorphins which make us feel god and we start to need and want to excersize more regularly" blah blah blah… screw that. Aparently my fatty mindset is perminent or something. I’d LOVE to want to work out and love exercising but as it is, no. I don’t like it at all.

 It’s like when someone has that job they hate with a passion but they go to it every day just because they need the money. Eventually they become a miserable person because they have to do something they hate every day… the thing is, Working out is more of an option. I wish it WAS my job. I try to trick myself into thinking it is, you know psychology crap and stuff but, it doesn’t seem to work.

 Point is, I can not find anything I like doing that involves working out in any form. I try walking, I try jogging/running, i try dancing, i try lifting, i try this i try that, and nothing satisfies me. And no, i don;t try it one time and quit for those of you people who seem to believe consistency is key. For an example: I have been going up and down the stairs in my house for 10 minutes each day every day for 2 solid months, now you’d THINK by now I’d be running up and down those stairs, or at least a bit less winded every time… me? Nope. It still FEELS like the first day I did them EVERY day. There is NO improvement… why?? I mean if I improved then i would probably LIKE working out but i never get better.

In any case… i needed to rant somewhere and no one ever reads these anyways so I don’t think something that goes unnoticed will bother anyone. If anyone is still reading well, my apologies for bitching, thanks for listening.

 So I’ve been generally busy. I think i hit a plateau before and I actually slacked off majorly (for various other reasons too) but, amazingly I think the slacking off was the break my body needed. Cuz now I am starting back up again and lounds are dropping back off again *knock on wood*.

 In any case… I forget my exact weight when I left here, 150 lbs or something. But as of today I am down to 137! This is the FIRST time since HIGH SCHOOL i have been under 150 lbs, so now that i am under 140, I’m super glad about that.

 For once I’m not in the mood to type a lot (i just got my new laptop so I’ve been typing a lot the past few days)… So I’ll leave more to say in my next post. Hope everyone else is doing well with their goals and hope I can get back into the swing of things on here again. take care everyone (or at least all who read these lil blogs).

 And, there is no internet access there so, I’m on hiatus from the internet, NOT from reaching my fitness goals!!! So, let us all hope I come back in better shape than I’m in now… in fact if anything, I’m actually hoping to even put more focus into my work outs and exercise routines since… I’ll have nothing better to do. AND, i "should" have a little "just to get by" job lined up for me when i get back, so I can finally save up and get some home gym equitment. A good friend of my dads wife says he has a BoFlex home gym he doesn’t use anymore and might be willing to GIVE it away! … I don’t know much about what all is the best to have in a home gym but i have NOTHING right now so, I think just about anything will be a good start. I also plan on using job money to save up and get at least 3 other things like Stationary Bike, Treadmill and especially an Eliptical Machine,, because I’ve been wanting one of those for a while. I’m thinking maybe look at like flea markets/garage sales… or even do Craigslist or that FreeCycle place so I could get the stuff for free (as long as it’s not broken stuff of course).

 So… that’s all for now. I’ll try to find ways to keep posting… if anything for my own sanity and to of course make sure i keep myself on track. Well… take care everyone and good luck either reaching or maintaining all your fitness goals!

 In any case I definitely didn’t quit by ANY means! Still plugging away and still working at it, weight loss is slow but least it’s steady. Finally begining to see a very tiny bit of difference. At least everyone else who’s seen me has mentioned I look better, so that’s always something.

 More over i need to get out of being in an indecisive slump. After having a bad experience in what i had always thought was going to be my "passion for life"… I’m having a way hard time picking a new career path. Art used to be my whole life and then things changed (for various reasons but thats beside the point)… i was completely interested in that whole feild and then over time and through various sircumstances i lost nearly ALL interest in it and want nothing to do with it. (not as a career anyway, maybe i’ll get back to it on my own time someday).

 Nothing else really interests me at all and if the thing i loved most didn’t keep my interest, it makes me wonder what chance I have going into something i only will "kind of like" (meaning something i’ll prolly just do "for the money" and just to say "i’m working") Just turned 24, i know it doesn’t seem old, but it is LATE to be just starting down a new path. I don’t want to waste my time in a "dead end job" when i SHOULD be working… towards a real goal. But i have NO clue what i want to get into at all. My interests are all over the board and narrowing it down feels impossible.

Sorry for the rant just giving some background on my lack of fitness oriented efforts. Also should add I am still moving, still dunno when still dunno where, cuz I still can’t get any solid info or answers (like how much we have to spend, where exactly we can go etc.) Just lots of nonsense all around. BUT, doesn’t mean I quit or plan to (not by a long shot!). So that’s pretty much it. I’ll try to keep updating but for now, more time is being spent on other life changing events.

 So, last Thursday till now just have not been good for me in general (no surprise lately). Totally my fault for eating at a fast food place. I hate how my roomies are anit-healthy… but i can’t blame them for MY mistakes. So 3 fries and a 3/4 a burger did me in for like 2 days of misery. This weekend, I was taken home for the holiday and my mother made burgers… she accidentally undercooked them… so that REALLY took a toll on me. I’m still feeling dreadful… i hate being such a drama queen and yet I’m going to rant a bit more…

 As some of you may know, there has been "talks" of moving off and on with my roomies and I. Well when i got back I was informed we have 30 days to be packed up and moved out… kind of expected but a very difficult task. I have to CHOOSE which friend to go with… one I get along with and is going to a place I wouldn’t mind going (Boston, it HAS a winter! an i LOVE the cold!)… there other choice is California… I’m not a fan of the state, least not the parts I’ve been to or heard of… (it’s mostly dessert and always warm weather). Also the friend going there I don’t get along with "as" well.

Sounds easy, go with the friend i get along with better to the place I rather go to… BUT, the friend going to CA has been VERY good to me and my other friend in the sense that she took us in when we had no where else to go… so I would feel awful not going along with her… it’d be like ditching her after all she has done—

Decisions decisions… Back ON topic, as for work out/diet etc— my birthday/the wedding thing and so on is coming up in 2 weeks soooo— time does not stand still. So I’m going to hope keeping on track in that sense will help keep me level headed and such about making decisions and such but… we’ll see.

 Oddly enough, maybe that pasta and meat was what I needed. I actually LOST a pound the next day, and I wasn’t craving junk anymore… see that usually never happens for me. Usually I go off "eat bad" and it triggers me to want to go back to bad eating, but not this time. So… I’m thinking there must of been something my body needed out of that meal because (not including that night of course) but otherwise i "improved" in mood.

I got back on track the next day and was pretty good. Did my work outs and added my usual minute (little over a minute actually) to my cardio routine and did lots of other work besides… sadly, and no idea why i had a soda. BAD bad bad i know! It was so weird, I really don’t want soda anymore but yesterday i wanted it?! But otherwise i really stayed on track very well, even had more water than usual. And today I’ve been on track all day too… again, with the exception of that one damn soda! However… yet again, I had more water again (so far).

 So… aside from the soda issue, I’ve really done much better these past few days (FINALLY). I’d say I’m "bi-polar" but i don’t get the "ups" side in moods. (actually the truth is I have dysthymic disorder which is a form of depression but that’s another story). In any case what matters is majority for right now. I know i can be doing better but the fact I am doing this well is really good for me. I hope I can keep going and get better and better.

I was good with my diet all this week, and work outs and the cardio etc… but yesterday I took a nose dive and really slacked on working out, and didn’t do cardio at all. Just could not rig up the "get up and go". Today was kind of better and worse. Today i forced myself to work out AND do cardio, adding extra minutes and working really hard. So I got in good work outs and really good cardio, made up for yesterday… but i slacked horribly on diet.

 I was feeling really crappy this morning so I didn’t eat then. By lunch I was feeling "better" but not hungry. Then for dinner my roomie made dinner for us, and so I didn’t want to be rude and not each what she had made for us…. so, the ONLY thing i had today was a little bowl of spahgetti and meatballs and some apple-cranberry juice (and of course water).  No fruit, no veggies, meatballs are obviously not "lean" meat… everything I did was bad. It’s amazing I didn’t just drink a soda! …ok I probably wouldn’t do that but… actually the way I’ve been feeling lately is just very distracting.

I’m really hoping I can get on MUCH better track tomorrow. Ever since last Friday I have been really off and I don’t know why. Almost like a chemical imballence. I’ve been trying to narrow my cravings down, cuz some I know they say your body craves what it is deficient in. Like if you crave dairy you really need Calcium, if you crave banana you really need potasium… those are cliche example but I’m thinking… maybe I’m deficient in something, like I need something to get "ballence" back… or it could just be that even though I alcked off 3 days ago it’s still taking it’s toll… which seems impossible to me.

 *sigh*… Sorry for the long rambling complaint. I definitely need to figure out how to *stay* motivated… constantly looking for motivation is very, tidius. Naturally I want to get fit and be healthy, look good yada yada… but sometimes for me it’s just not enough. Even setting goals and specific numbers and stuff is not very inspiring.

I am my own worse enemy. What I really need is confidence.