Overcoming Obeasity

Just got back and already I have to go. Baically long story short, after all the hassel and hussel n’ bussel… amongst "other issues"… I’m going from one hell to the next. I’ll be going "home"…

 And, there is no internet access there so, I’m on hiatus from the internet, NOT from reaching my fitness goals!!! So, let us all hope I come back in better shape than I’m in now… in fact if anything, I’m actually hoping to even put more focus into my work outs and exercise routines since… I’ll have nothing better to do. AND, i "should" have a little "just to get by" job lined up for me when i get back, so I can finally save up and get some home gym equitment. A good friend of my dads wife says he has a BoFlex home gym he doesn’t use anymore and might be willing to GIVE it away! … I don’t know much about what all is the best to have in a home gym but i have NOTHING right now so, I think just about anything will be a good start. I also plan on using job money to save up and get at least 3 other things like Stationary Bike, Treadmill and especially an Eliptical Machine,, because I’ve been wanting one of those for a while. I’m thinking maybe look at like flea markets/garage sales… or even do Craigslist or that FreeCycle place so I could get the stuff for free (as long as it’s not broken stuff of course).

 So… that’s all for now. I’ll try to find ways to keep posting… if anything for my own sanity and to of course make sure i keep myself on track. Well… take care everyone and good luck either reaching or maintaining all your fitness goals!

Haven’t written a post in a while, not much to really say. Things have been stressful and tensions have been building but, that’s nothing new. I’ve been having trouble fully sticking to weight loss n’ fitness but, life get’s in the way of everything.

 In any case I definitely didn’t quit by ANY means! Still plugging away and still working at it, weight loss is slow but least it’s steady. Finally begining to see a very tiny bit of difference. At least everyone else who’s seen me has mentioned I look better, so that’s always something.

 More over i need to get out of being in an indecisive slump. After having a bad experience in what i had always thought was going to be my "passion for life"… I’m having a way hard time picking a new career path. Art used to be my whole life and then things changed (for various reasons but thats beside the point)… i was completely interested in that whole feild and then over time and through various sircumstances i lost nearly ALL interest in it and want nothing to do with it. (not as a career anyway, maybe i’ll get back to it on my own time someday).

 Nothing else really interests me at all and if the thing i loved most didn’t keep my interest, it makes me wonder what chance I have going into something i only will "kind of like" (meaning something i’ll prolly just do "for the money" and just to say "i’m working") Just turned 24, i know it doesn’t seem old, but it is LATE to be just starting down a new path. I don’t want to waste my time in a "dead end job" when i SHOULD be working… towards a real goal. But i have NO clue what i want to get into at all. My interests are all over the board and narrowing it down feels impossible.

Sorry for the rant just giving some background on my lack of fitness oriented efforts. Also should add I am still moving, still dunno when still dunno where, cuz I still can’t get any solid info or answers (like how much we have to spend, where exactly we can go etc.) Just lots of nonsense all around. BUT, doesn’t mean I quit or plan to (not by a long shot!). So that’s pretty much it. I’ll try to keep updating but for now, more time is being spent on other life changing events.

Endless drama…

 So, last Thursday till now just have not been good for me in general (no surprise lately). Totally my fault for eating at a fast food place. I hate how my roomies are anit-healthy… but i can’t blame them for MY mistakes. So 3 fries and a 3/4 a burger did me in for like 2 days of misery. This weekend, I was taken home for the holiday and my mother made burgers… she accidentally undercooked them… so that REALLY took a toll on me. I’m still feeling dreadful… i hate being such a drama queen and yet I’m going to rant a bit more…

 As some of you may know, there has been "talks" of moving off and on with my roomies and I. Well when i got back I was informed we have 30 days to be packed up and moved out… kind of expected but a very difficult task. I have to CHOOSE which friend to go with… one I get along with and is going to a place I wouldn’t mind going (Boston, it HAS a winter! an i LOVE the cold!)… there other choice is California… I’m not a fan of the state, least not the parts I’ve been to or heard of… (it’s mostly dessert and always warm weather). Also the friend going there I don’t get along with "as" well.

Sounds easy, go with the friend i get along with better to the place I rather go to… BUT, the friend going to CA has been VERY good to me and my other friend in the sense that she took us in when we had no where else to go… so I would feel awful not going along with her… it’d be like ditching her after all she has done—

Decisions decisions… Back ON topic, as for work out/diet etc— my birthday/the wedding thing and so on is coming up in 2 weeks soooo— time does not stand still. So I’m going to hope keeping on track in that sense will help keep me level headed and such about making decisions and such but… we’ll see.

So after the "drama" i posted last time… after that I actually have been better. Granted it’s only been 2 days but it’s ok, better is better.

 Oddly enough, maybe that pasta and meat was what I needed. I actually LOST a pound the next day, and I wasn’t craving junk anymore… see that usually never happens for me. Usually I go off "eat bad" and it triggers me to want to go back to bad eating, but not this time. So… I’m thinking there must of been something my body needed out of that meal because (not including that night of course) but otherwise i "improved" in mood.

I got back on track the next day and was pretty good. Did my work outs and added my usual minute (little over a minute actually) to my cardio routine and did lots of other work besides… sadly, and no idea why i had a soda. BAD bad bad i know! It was so weird, I really don’t want soda anymore but yesterday i wanted it?! But otherwise i really stayed on track very well, even had more water than usual. And today I’ve been on track all day too… again, with the exception of that one damn soda! However… yet again, I had more water again (so far).

 So… aside from the soda issue, I’ve really done much better these past few days (FINALLY). I’d say I’m "bi-polar" but i don’t get the "ups" side in moods. (actually the truth is I have dysthymic disorder which is a form of depression but that’s another story). In any case what matters is majority for right now. I know i can be doing better but the fact I am doing this well is really good for me. I hope I can keep going and get better and better.

These entries keep becoming more and more depressing… Anyhow. Speaking of which: Over the past two weeks now I have been on a constant downward slope… just getting more and more depressed. The worse thing is, I have no idea why. I have no reason to be. I put weight on over Mother’s day weekend and all and it is definitely taking hard work to get it to go away, but nothing in life is easy.

I was good with my diet all this week, and work outs and the cardio etc… but yesterday I took a nose dive and really slacked on working out, and didn’t do cardio at all. Just could not rig up the "get up and go". Today was kind of better and worse. Today i forced myself to work out AND do cardio, adding extra minutes and working really hard. So I got in good work outs and really good cardio, made up for yesterday… but i slacked horribly on diet.

 I was feeling really crappy this morning so I didn’t eat then. By lunch I was feeling "better" but not hungry. Then for dinner my roomie made dinner for us, and so I didn’t want to be rude and not each what she had made for us…. so, the ONLY thing i had today was a little bowl of spahgetti and meatballs and some apple-cranberry juice (and of course water).  No fruit, no veggies, meatballs are obviously not "lean" meat… everything I did was bad. It’s amazing I didn’t just drink a soda! …ok I probably wouldn’t do that but… actually the way I’ve been feeling lately is just very distracting.

I’m really hoping I can get on MUCH better track tomorrow. Ever since last Friday I have been really off and I don’t know why. Almost like a chemical imballence. I’ve been trying to narrow my cravings down, cuz some I know they say your body craves what it is deficient in. Like if you crave dairy you really need Calcium, if you crave banana you really need potasium… those are cliche example but I’m thinking… maybe I’m deficient in something, like I need something to get "ballence" back… or it could just be that even though I alcked off 3 days ago it’s still taking it’s toll… which seems impossible to me.

 *sigh*… Sorry for the long rambling complaint. I definitely need to figure out how to *stay* motivated… constantly looking for motivation is very, tidius. Naturally I want to get fit and be healthy, look good yada yada… but sometimes for me it’s just not enough. Even setting goals and specific numbers and stuff is not very inspiring.

I am my own worse enemy. What I really need is confidence.

Been a good while since i wrote here so this is a long over due update, where to start?

A good few days ago (maybe Friday?) I really have no idea why, but I really did so poorly. I think the only thing i did that day was my usual workout… otherwise it was all down hill. And then, this weekend itself was Mothers day so I was off to a bad weekend and I guess, for whatever reason I figured "might as well get it out of the system"…

 I guess I didn’t do completely terrible but… just the fact I wasn’t 100% really puts a damer on everything. Especially goal-wise. I actually haven’t gotten a chance to "weigh-in" yet… not looking forward to that either since all it will tell me is "look what you did, you now have to re-organise all your goals since now they are unrealistic and too far out of reach"…ha, yes over dramatic, oh well.

Of course it’s good I want to get back track… just annoying in the sense i really did go so long not going off at all and then this past weekend I just really was so lazy and uncaring. All the more reason to really push myself harder now and all but… oh well. That’s all that a person can do. Get back on track and push harder.

The way I see it, I posted before saying every 3 weeks I will post a progress picture. So… last one I posted was on May 3rd. That means I have exactly one full week and 4 days left to work my ass off and get myself in more decent shape so I don’t look bad in that "progress" shot.

Either way, it will be motivational. If I don’t look as good as I’d have liked, it will be more reason to work harder so that the next shot WILL be better. And of course if I look ok, that will equally be reason to CONTINUE to stay on track and do more to keep looking better and acheiving goals.

So that’s where I’m at right now… not where I want to be at all, but not giving up by any means either. It’s possible to get where i want to be, it’s just up to ME to get myself there!

Ok… I’m going to attempt to keep this short n’ sweet. Basically I have been not so stable. I have stuck to my "diet" and I exercise and work out as "regularly" as possible but… nothing is ever "set in stone" for me. So…

 I’ve decided to set up something more consistent for myself. Nothing too strict, just a start I can ALWAYS add more. But for now I’m setting 2 tiny goals. (we’re talking microscopic compared to everyone else I see on here…) But I am going to make it a point to make up and stick to doing at least ONE exercise routine every day. I know lot’s of people sometimes say to take one day off, but I know how I am. If I do something every day I am much more likely to STICK to it. If I take off one day, taking off the next day starts looking pretty nice too… So, just something small to start, if I feel like working more (which i prolly will) I can always work more, but I HAVE to make sure to get in at least that one basic routine.

And, next to help me STICK to that goal, I think I will also make a point to post a progress pic at LEAST once every 2 weeks in order to keep myself motivated to stay on track.

 So, nothing big or elaborate but definitely something I can stick to. We’ll see what happens.

Just feel like ranting today, so if you’re not one for listening to bitching, prolly should look away.

 Anyhow… naturally I know the *correct* way is the long way… but that in itself tends to be the biggest challenge of all for me. Honestly, the diet/exercise all that, is really not so bad. Especially once you get in the habbit, it all kinda falls into place. It’s nice to have routines and structure…

 But it’s the waiting that kills me. It’s like everyday you do them same thing (ok you switch it up a little but still) and everyday… I look the same. Of course, no one see’s their results over night, it takes a LOT of time, especially when you do things the right way.

 It just REALLY makes me actually wish I was in a place with NO mirrors at all. Even though, the mirror tends to be my biggest motivation, it’s equally my biggest let down too. Cuz I look in there every day and every day I see the SAME. If I could look in the mirror ONCE A MONTH… now THAT would be great! I know then i would totally SEE a difference.

 You know those stupid shows where they do make overs on people, and they have that big "BEFORE" shot, and the person see’s that pic of them and it turns around into the mirror and it shows the NEW and improved them? Yeah, how COOL would it be to have THAT? I need one of THOSE.

 Just put me in a gym, with lots of eliptical equitment, some rowers, tread mills, stationary bikes, lots of weights and weight machine stuff, and yoga mats, and medicine balls, but NO mirrors! Gimme a ballenced diet for ME and take that "Before" shot, have it pinned to the wall for me to look at every day… and then at the end of the month, turn that pic around and show me my PROGRESS!!! God I would LOVE that soooo much!

 They need to have a show like THAT. All these stupid "Celebrity Fit Club" and "Biggest Loser"… though there was one show I thought was Okay, I only saw it ONCE though. They had a group of people who walked across the country, and THAT was pretty cool. And they were all fatties (like ME)… I would LOVE to be on something like THAT. It would be such a nice way to get access to everything i NEED.

 …Oh well, sitting around hoping for things never got anyone anywhere. So, off to work I go.

This is kind of embarressing but interesting at the same time… I was ging through this box of my old stuff and came across my old weight journal. I was wrong about my highest weight. I was reading through one and saw that at one point, i was actually almost 230 lbs!!! So, as gross as that is, it kind of also makes me feel more accomplished. So from 230 to now almost 160, that’s a TOTAL of 70 lbs.

Ok… so last night, no sleep again, as usual. Typical life of an insomniac (yes, I’ve tried MANY different meds in many different combination and different methods, I’ve been like this since i was very young child, nothing works)… Anyhow— So I made use of my time by "cleaning up house". I know it’s not a "actual work out", but it definitely gave me a "work out" per se. I did usual stretches (I know I need to write that routine and i will get around to it)… and the reason for the clean up is mainly because my mother was visiting… and oddly enough, she didn’t even come in, so I did all the work for "nothing"… but I got a semi-work out from it.

 Anyhow, once she got here I went out. YAY! I’m uncomfortable alone in the neighborhood, but we went out around stpres in town. So I walked all over the stores and stuff all day. Which was another good little work out… the little ones add up. And, she insisted I need new clothes… which I always HATE doing. I hate "clothing shopping" with a passion (i hate all shopping actually, but that’s another story)… but I got a nice surprise. I’ve lost SIX sizes!

 Yeah, I literally AVOIDED clothing shopping a LONG time for obvious reasons. Nothing ever fit, everything ooked bad cuz I looked bad, all that sort of thing. I went from a size 22 down to now 16! …I know, 16 is still VERY fat (i’m 5′3", short and fat is horrible combination). The lowest size I’ve ever been is 14… I’m only TWO sizes away from that (haven’t been that size since middle school, how sad is that?)

 I’m looking forward to losing MUCH more, and today was a HUGE motivation to do so. In fact after all the shopping stuff we ended up going out to eat… another thing i usually hate doing because I always get annoying stares. But I was actually not paying attention to anyone this time, so if I got any, I didn’t notice. Usually I’d either not eat, or say "screw it, I’m getting whatever I want"… Not this time. I did pretty good (for ME, i know others would do better). I had a tiny bit of broccolie cheese soup (like 5  or 6 teaspoon fulls) then gave the rest to my mother cuz I didn’t want all those calories, I just wanted "a taste". As for my meal, I got this shrimp / pesto / alfredo pasta… thing. I got steamed broccoli with it too just to add variety. I ended up eating like, 4 noodes of the pasta, most of the shrimp (like 4 or 5 pieces) and some most the broccoli. And followed usual thing (eat really slow, chew everything super well, put fork down between each bite etc). I had a few sips of a strawberry - mango - lemonade thing, but my main drink of course was water.

 So again… not great, but not bad either. I personally hate salad so… eating out is always a pain for me. So, thats all for now, I’ll update again tomorrow.