Evon

So its been a really long time since ive even logged in here. Ive been SO friggin busy. We did find out that we are only having one baby, a boy. Ive been doing really good.  Havent gained too much weight, I actually think that my weight gain is a little less than average. But ive been trying to keep up with working out on some sort of way. I walk, I do prenatal pilates, and I do belly dancing. I cant wait until after I have the baby so that i can get my body back. But The weight Ive gained has been in my inner thighs and my belly (and my boobz). But I figure after I have the baby (and the OK from my doctor) I will start with Cardio and then incorporate weight training. So I really need to get back on here more often….Hopefully I will remember.

So a little while ago Marty saw that i was on myspace and he asked me if i was looking for a girlfriend. I just laughed when he asked me that but now im trying to think….why did he ask me that? He knows that i have dated women before and that i have been with girls also, but he has never really commented about it before. Oh well, whatever. We have talked more about women lately though. Especially watching Rock of Love 2 and Flavor of Love 3 and Ms. Rap Supreme…gotta love VH1 for reality shows. Anyways im outie..gotta go to bed because we are going to the gym to do PT in the morning together..we havent worked out together in a LONG time…we shall see how it works out!

Just when i thought things were getting better…they go south, fast. I guess its denial that keeps Marty thinking that i can’t tell when something is up. Whenever there is something wrong, i can tell. I aske probably 3 times what was wrong. He said nothing, that he was just tired. Although i didnt believe him, i said okay. Then he did a shot of rum before going back to bed. That worries me. I talked to him about it too, he said it helps him sleep. That bothers me though, its the middle of the week and he has to work. He is going to be staying out in the field again tonight too. I told him that that concerned me, because that leads to drinking more often REALLY quick. Anyway…The night goes on and he begins to tell me how he thinks that we are having issues. That we are having problems and he doesnt know how to fix it. This is news to me. I had assumed that things were fine between us. I had no clue that we were even having issues. He said that one of the main things  is that we arent that close anymore. Again, this was news to me. Every relationship goes through changes. You have really awesome times, you have bad times, and then there are times that arent really bad, things are good, but its more or less down time, y’know what i mean? Thats what i was thinking was going on. He’s been working really hard this cycle and hes been by himself mainly. I never give him shit about working all the time because thats his job. Conversation went on and he said that he thinks that its because of his work schedule that we arent connecting anymore. He even went so far as to say that he thinks im going to cheat on him or leave him because of it. Now, i can understand feeling that way in the beginning of a relationship. Especailly if that has happened to you more than once in the past. But we have been together a long time so there is no reason for him to think that way. Not once have i cheated on him or even thought about it. But he tells me that he’s almost sure that its going to happen. MY next question pissed him off, but i needed to know. I asked him why were we even together if he already has that in his head that thats going to happen. He said that he wants to work it out. I feel so frustrated because i dont know really what we are fixing. It almost make me feel like he enjoyed us beging together but now hes bored and doesnt want to do this anymore. We’re f’ing married, you cant just decide one day that you’ve had your fill and now its time to move on to something new….whats the point in getting married then? "Till death do you part…" what about that is complicated? None of it. I cried last night, and didnt go to bed until 1:15. I dont know if he feels like i dont appreciate him or that i dont do my part or what, but man ive been putting in overtime. Every morning i wake him up at 3:30am and get him up for work. I ride with him to work, drive back home go to the gym, come home get ready for work, go to work, pick him up, come home. I cook, i clean, i do laundry…im domesticated. I dont know what else to do….I feel the same as i did last night, and to make matters worse, he’s staying out in the field tonight, so I wont get to actually talk to him or see him until tomorrow night. I’m not going to the gym today, im going back to sleep

Not really a mishaps, mainly just the insomnia. I thought it was getting better but it kinda took a step back. Last night i layed in bed forever it seemed. I was watching TV for a while and then shut it off to try sleeping….unfortunately it didnt help. I just layed there, tossing around, fidgeting with the sheet, staring at the walls, listening to the wind howl outside our window. Im guessing that i finally went to sleep around 1:30. Which wasnt that great considering that i had to get Marty up around 2:45-3am. Im about to lay back down and try to get an hour or two more before going to the gym…This week has been a long week already, and its only Wednesday. I just cant wait for my vacation to get here. We’re supposed to be going back to visit my mom and brother in Louie, but he hasnt even turned in his leave form to get those days off. As much as i want to go back home, i will be perfectly happy hanging out at home or going to Dallas or OKC or someplace. I just need a break from work…Anyway, im going to bed! Wish me luck falling asleep for round 2. *grunbles*

I’ve been pretty lazy lately. Lazy as in not really posting anything on here…This post isnt going to be any better honestly..lol. Im going to lay back down for 45 minutes and then go to the gym. When i get back, hopefully then i will post something better. LATER!

Are all men so moody??? 

I am at a loss for words…I have no idea what is going on. I feel like i did something to piss marty off, but i have no clue what. Yesterday he was super mad when he woke up. He got up around 8 and was trudging around the apartment grumbling to himself. Slammed a few things around, and then left to get something to eat. He came back, ate, and went back to bed. I stayed out of his way, didnt say anything to him, but that didnt make things better. I figured that if i gave him some time to himself when he woke up, he would get over his grumpyness and then be better..but that wasnt the case. I told him twice that i loved him, but he didnt so much as look at me. I asked him what did i do, he said ’nothing’. I don’t understand. After a little while, he asked if i was going to come lay down. I told him i didnt think he wanted me around him. I just felt like he didnt want me around, y’know? But he said that was crazy talk, then he acted like nothing even happened. This morning it was the same thing. Normally when i wake him up, he may not be perky, but he isnt mean. This morning, everytime i tried waking him up, he just said "WHAT" in a cold voice. Once he actually got up we went around again with the whole not talking thing. This is killing me….I guess im just frustrated and confused…. I have been up for a while (i went to the gym this morning) I gotta go soon because i have a conference call and i have to stop and get something to eat. But i will probably update again once i get home this evening…

When you come to accept reality, it can be an envigorating thing, or a depressing thing. Accepting reality is different from Settling for Something. When you understand that there are some things you cannot change, this can take personal strain and stress away from you. But at the same time, this takes a bit of ambition away from you. I remember an article i read a long time ago. The woman who was being interviewed said something along the lines of "No matter what you do, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be prettier, someone will always be more likeable….Instead of worry about your ’competitor’ be the best you personally can." I remember that. I admit that i do care too much about other peoples opinion of me. I worry a lot about how i compare next to other people. Especially other women. I am fairly happy with myself, but I guess there is a part of my self esteem that is low. I try to think of that quote when i find myself feeling down, but sometimes it doesnt help. When my husband talks to women whether it be out somewhere or online, i always find myself thinking about how i compare with her. I dont know why but i feel like i always have to compare myself with other women, just to see. I duno…*shrugs* I have to get my food and stuff together for this week. I will probably go to bed within the next 2 hours, i need to get myself ready for getting up early in the morning…..

Im a bit….frustrated. Angry, depressed, and down in the dumps. I was called fat (in a "nicer" way) today by someone close to me. It wasn’t meant that way allegedly, but that’s how it came out. I was starting to feel good again about working out and fixing my foods and *wham* this hit me. I don’t know what to do. When i go to the gym i train hard. My nutrition is lacking, but i do put forth the effort. I’m not really seeing results. Well in some places like my legs, they are slimming down, but my arms, back, and stomach still look the same. I don’t really eat much throughout the day, but i am trying to fix that. I do drink a lot of water though. I have done good with staying away from fast food and really sugary sweets. I have cheated a few times and splurged on ice cream and a cheeseburger though. I am feeling really bad. That comment made me feel as if i had balooned up 100 pounds…I stand 5′9 and i weigh 160-165….I know i will never be a twig my body isnt made for that. I have curves, but some of them (my tummy) are where they shouldnt be. I feel down and out…I dont know what to do…Its like my joy just smashed into the ocean, and there are no more life jackets…….If anyone reads this and can help me figure some things out, please let me know…..

So I’ve got a lot of resources for my portuguese…Rosetta Stone software, and ive got a few friends in Brasil that are helping me. One of my friends is in the Carnaval in Rio every year. Ive been talking to her about nutrition and training. Specifically the training that her and the other Samba dancers go through to prepare for Carnaval. Im waiting on a response…but all of the Samba dancers I have seen are in such impeccable shape, their bodies are absolutely Phenominal….i want to train like they train…I want my body to look like i could be in the Sambadrome!!!!!!!!!