esthermoore’s BodyBlog

get a phone call from cousin in law. find out more bullshit about soon to be ex hubby. tears swell up in eyes. bite lip to fight it. must be strong. don’t need to cry for someone who is a waste of time, waste of life.

run to break room. first thing in site: oatmeal raisin cookies. grab 2. eat them. grab one more. eat it. tears swell up. bite lip again. swallow rest of cookie in mouth. run to locker room. change clothes. talk shit about ex hubby to co-worker. run to gym. look at myself in mirror. feel disgusted. face red. nostrils flare. see people in gym playing volleyball. quickly wave.

run downstairs to cardio. put speed on 8 and start sprinting my butt off. pull glute muscle. shit that hurts. slow it down and do 5 sets of HIIT on treadmill. go back upstairs to refill water bottle. look in mirror. still disgusted. pissed the hell off. face red. nostrils flare. tears swell up. sweat drip. drip. drip.

I tell myself, " for everything bad that I eat, he is one step closer to looking his best! for every time I slack off in the gym, he is one step closer to being more fit than me."

run back downstairs. do another HIIT session on elliptical.

cool down with some yoga and stretching. hugging knees to my chest I start thinking of everything positive in life that I have to look forward to. next time, relieve stress with workout, not oatmeal cookies…deep breath in… feel a little more calm..

namaste…

By the time I get home from work today, I will probably swallow over 100 bugs, pedal over 200 slugs, have roughly 70 flying insects get stuck in my eye, go through about 55 spider webs, and get bit by 10 spiders.

Oh the joy of biking through Germany…

And so week 3 of biking to work is slowly coming to an end.With that, I can say that I’m somewhat proud of myself for sticking to it, even though these hormones from my IUD are trying to do the exact opposite.

I was on a hill the other day, and right when I got this sudden urge to stop pedaling and walk the rest of the way, PRINCE started up on my ipod.

I WANNA BE YOUR.. LOVAH!

It just got me in this euphoric stage! I switched gears and started pedaling as if I was Lance Armstrong in the Tour de France!

I’m pretty sure the old German lady picking her weeds in her front yard was a bit startled when she saw me going up that damn hill like there was no tomorrow singing my heart out, but it’s ok. She’ll be fine, her lawn will be fine, and my legs will thank me tomorrow.

I have to keep reminding myself why I’m really doing all of this, and if Prince is what I need to jump start my workouts/cardio, then so be it.

I hate when I see overweight people in the Air Force.. wait I take that back. I hate when I see overweight, unfit, and sloppy people in the  MILITARY. It gives us such a bad rep(as if we don’t have one already).

I’m not saying I’m the most fit person, but I make sure I look damn good in my uniform. There’s no way I would be able to live with myself if I had a uniform that was so small on me, the buttons were screaming to pop off.

I was at the vehicle registration building today, and saw just that on an MP. Really, if I was a terrorist, I wouldn’t be the least bit scared seeing someone overweight in BDUs, ABUs, ACUs, Digis… etc…

We strive for excellence in all we do, service before self, and have annual fitness tests, but does that really prove we are fit to fight? Being Air Force, we have the most lenient PT test of them all!!! As far as I’m concerned it does no good when people try their hardest on one day out of the entire year just to keep their job, but would run out of breath running away from an insurgent in the desert(RUNNING IN THE SAND IS HARD ENOUGH!!!) in less than 5 minutes.

I know my next pet peeve in the Air Force has nothing to do with fitness, but another thing I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT STAND is when people walk with their hands in their pockets in uniform!!!!!!!!!!!!! ughhhhhh!!!!

I hate hate hate it!!!

I just really hope that as the years go by, and the military being ever changing, they crack down on all the unfit people including the ones who are forever on waivers and profiles all 20 years of their military career….

Fitness is not just a once a year obligation… it could also mean life or death depending on where Uncle Sam sends you next.

I work night shift, and tonight is my last shift until Wednesday. Since I sold my car, and only have my bike for transportation I want to get to work on time. I decide to leave an hour early just for fun. As I’m pedaling I notice that something doesn’t feel right.

I keep stopping and checking my shoes for rocks and if anything is wrong with the bike pedal itself. So far so good, but why is my foot constantly slipping off all crazy like?

I make one final stop to double check everything before I go into the round-a-bout.

As soon as I get a clearing I push down on my left pedal to go and BAM!

my pedal leg comes flying off, leaving a big gash on my leg, and I stumble almost falling over in the middle of the road. I try to hurry up and push myself over to the grass. Some German jerk behind me sticks his head out of his window and laughs like the ******* that he is while running over my left pedal! (Did I mention I’m so glad that Spain won the Europa Cup?!!!)

So here I am looking retarded like with my bright red helmet, a bulky backpack, and a broken bike. I run back into the round-a-bout to pick up my pedal, bolt and screw before another car comes and totally ruins it.

It starts raining….great! Just what I need! I’m still a good 20 minutes away from work. I finally manage to get the leg back on and tighten the screw back into place … or as much as my fingers can manage. Luckily the rain goes away after a few minutes.

Ahh… what to do now… I need to get my bike fixed or I’ll be walking home tomorrow morning….

Other than that, my cardio session was awesome. lol

I had a very interesting night at work. The things that people say to get out of Iraq can be quite amusing, while others can be a bit disturbing.

We had a guy come in who apparantly kept in close contact with Satan. He claimed he was part of Satan’s inner circle… His psych case was so "severe" that we weren’t allowed to keep him in our facility for the following day’s outbound mission. He had to stay in the psych ward… the reason being?

Supposedly  Satan tells him to eat his semen… and he does so..religiously!

yuck!

well.. if ever someone needed protein that bad… do as this guy does… ?

I called to see if I could add my protein powder in conjunction with a previous order I had placed online, and this chipper guy answered the phone, "THANK YOU FOR CALLING BODYBUILDING.COM THIS IS ANABOLIC ADAM!"

hahaha… he made my day! I almost forgot the reason why I called because he caught me offguard! So now I’m wondering what they would make me say my name was if I worked for them… Estrogen Esther? jk.

Thanks ANABOLIC ADAM! You and your nickname definitely deserve cool points!

It took me a while to get my lazy butt out of my house and head over to the gym especially on my day off, but I had to remind myself of the goals that I had set. With my ipod charged, and a few new songs from Juanes to get me in the mood, I was on my way.

My workout was good. I pushed hard, and kept telling myself that I had one more.. just one more! for all the times I wanted to stop and decide that was my last rep.

After I was done with my weight training I decided to take a few minutes to relax and breathe in the sauna…

While I was in there I decided to write a small note in my notebook.

I remember Rosie telling me to set realistic goals that I know I can achieve. I decided to rewrite them in the notebook so I could keep them fresh in my memory…

something else inside me just kept forcing me to write. Maybe it’s because after all this time of thinking I was fine to move on, I really wasn’t. Rosie had suggested that maybe it was stress that was keeping me from a good night’s sleep… but what could I possibly be stressing about right now? I’m good. life’s good.. everything’s good…

My pen kept writing…

my divorce is not yet final. I still have another 2 months for that to become official. I still love the ex husband, but what a shitty 5 years it was with him. I never really learned to love myself, only him. Anything and everything he wanted, I gave… it was never vice versa. Now he is on vaca in Hawaii, using all his money that he should be using to pay me back for loans I took out for him, and I’m staying up every night recalculating my bills. I’m in Germany and I’m unable to enjoy my time here because I’m busy paying off a failed marriage.

He would always grab my stomach and remind me where I stood when it came to fitness compared to him… I could never amount to anyone he previously dated back in California…especially when it came time to his cheating phase…

My pen kept going…

I’m going to look and feel great. I’m going to love myself and be confident in my own body. I’m not going to do this to prove him or anyone else wrong, but to show myself that I am capable of setting a goal, and accomplishing it.

I kept writing for another 5 minutes of anything and everything that I had ever wanted to do for myself. Man it felt good to let it out on paper! To actually see the anger and frustration that I had built up in me. To tell someone is one thing, but to actually see it in my own handwriting… wow…

Now I am refreshed and ready for this. Everytime I feel I might going through a set back, I will always have those pages where I had time to write in that sauna to bring me back to reality.

This time my focus is myself, my strength, my inner wealth.