dvsness, dedication and desire

This seemed appropriate.   

from Anthony Robert’s blog

http://www.anthony-roberts.com/blog/

Yesterday I was talking to someone about different people who constantly bash me on various internet forums, and others who “argue” with me (Note: that means they’re wrong, and I explain why, and they don’t get it).

And the topic came up of why so many people feel it necessary to attack me. My answer, which was one that Alwyn Cosgrove had said to me previously, which is that “they only try to tackle the guy with the ball”.

Think about it. If you play Football/Gridiron, rugby, whatever…who is the other team trying to tackle? It’s always the guy with the ball…the guy who is a threat, the guy who can put points on the board at that very second. For the last 2 years, that’s been me. I’m hoping it’s me for a long time too. That means people are going to try to tackle me all over, on the internet, in magazines, whatever.

That’s fine…as long as people attack me constantly, I’ll know I still have the ball

Answering The Question:
“How could I end up 12^th on every judge’s scorecard?”

By Bill Dobbins

If you are wondering on what basis figure is judged, given that there aren’t the same kind of more-or-less objective criteria to go by that you find in bodybuilding, you are out of luck - because nobody can really tell you.  Over time, the judges have gravitated toward a longer-waisted, longer-proportioned type of body than you find in fitness or bodybuilding, where the more compact physiques tend to win.   But that is more of a tradition than a set of criteria.

But given this tradition, a general rule is that competitors who have the same type of structure as Davana Medina, Jenny Lynn, Amber Littlejohn and Mary Elizabeth Lado will tend to have an advantage.  But that’s only in general.  In specific contests there are liable to be all sorts of body types included in the top five or the top ten – although many of the women who place well finished way down in their last contest and will finish out of the top ten in the next one they enter. 

But what confuses competitors is not so much that placings can vary so widely from show to show.  It is the almost amazing degree of consistency youtend to see in the scorecards in any given contest.  That’s where the quote at the beginning of this article comes from.  A figure competitor asked me if I thought there was some kind of collusion among the judges, some meeting in which they received instructions on how to vote.  How else, she thought, could a group of nine or eleven judges all agree on who should finish 11^th, 12^th or whatever?

Anyone who examines figure scorecards and see that this type of thing does seem to happen fairly often.  But what causes this is not some kind of conspiracy among the judges in which the placings are determined ahead of time.  Instead, the process that creates this kind of result actually takes place during the contest and is perfectly obvious to everyone watching if they know what to look for.

The key is the control exercised by the head judge over the call-outs.  While prejudging call-outs in IFBB bodybuilding have always involved a more mixed quality of competitors in any given group, the NPC style is more specific: the first five called out are the top five, the next group defines who will finish 6^th through 10^th, then the next group of five and so on.  In bodybuilding, this is a fairly effective and efficient process.  Because there is a tradition of specific standards in bodybuilding, judges might disagree as to whether a competitor should be 2^nd or 3^rd, but not whether they should be 2^nd or 12^th.  There simply shouldn’t be that much disagreement among competent judges in the vast majority of cases.

But judges in figure can’t rely simply on their own experience or expertise.  They just aren’t any specific standards to go by.  The practice in fitness, which is also applied in figure, is to give high placings to women who have done well in past contests or who look like those who have placed well in the past.   But there has always been a much greater degree of “sameness” in fitness bodies than in figure, because the fitness women also had to be gymnasts (for the most part) and excelling in gymnastic moves requires a small, lean, compact body.

But because of the misconception that figure is somehow “easier,” a lot of women from both fitness and bodybuilding have decided to switch categories.  So the figure line-up  - especially at the pro level where there are no height categories – usually contains a wide variety of different body types.  Tall, long-bodied competitors stand next to former gymnasts and bodybuilders as well as sexy “bikini models.”  So what’s a judge to do?  How can you arrive at a series of placings that conforms to the “consistency? required by both the NPC and the IFBB?

The answer is that you follow the lead of the head judge.   Here is a scenario that takes place more often than you might think:  The head judge calls out five competitors.  Whether that would be your top five or whether you think all the competitors in the group deserve to be there doesn’t matter.  The judges have now been told who the top five are supposed to be.  Disagree at your peril.

Then the head judge begins to ask the competitors to change places in the group.  The one of the end is moved to the middle or next to the competitor in the middle.  Another competitor is moved out to the end.  After this is done, it is made clear to all the judges who the top five are and in what order they are supposed to finish.  The one in the middle is the best in the group, the ones next to her are next best and so forth.

The same thing happens with the next five and then five more until all the competitors have been prejudged.  All the judges have to do is follow the lead of the head judge and write down the scores accordingly.

So I would tell the woman who finished 12^th on every scorecard that this happened because she was brought out in the third group of five and the head judge moved her to stand next to the competitor in the middle: the 2^nd placing in the third group of five = 12^th.  Simple as that.

Of course, when you are dealing with contests across the country at both the amateur and professional levels, there are a variety of different head judges and not all of them have things so carefully organized.  However, when this system is used there aren’t really 9 or 11 judges score the contest – there is only one.  But until the NPC and IFBB decide to define what figure actually is and can describe what kind of physiques they are looking for in some more specific way, one system would seem to be as good as another.

Nonethless, you do end up with some bizarre placings when the head judge has overlooked a competitor of great quality (most often because she simply isn’t isn’t well known enough yet) and you see her standing in the “tail end” group that contains women who, however aesthetic and athletic looking, are obviously not suited to success in figure competition. Seeing a swan standing there among the ducks you’d think the judges would be embarrassed. But physique judges seem to have an endless capacity for rationalization which protects them from admitting that mistakes have been made.

May 29, 2007, to Mr. Milos Sarcev, C/o Koloseum Gym, 1101 South Placentia Avenue, Fullerton, CA, 92831 USA. Sent by e-mail to milos@milossarcev.com and to milossarcev@gmail.com and by International Courier

IFBB PRO LEAGUE DECISION
IN THE MATTER OF YOUR CONDUCT
DURING THE BODYBUILDING COMPETITION AT THE ASIAN GAMES,
DOHA, QATAR, DECEMBER 8-9, 2006

1. On January 3, 2007, the Pro League notified you that, on receiving letters of complaint from Mr. Paul Chua, IFBB Executive Assistant to the President, IFBB Vice President for Asia and Secretary-General of the Asian BodyBuilding Federation (ABBF), and Mr. Walter van den Branden (Netherlands), President of the Netherlands Bodybuilding & Fitness Federation and IFBB International Judge, it had appointed an ad hoc Pro Disciplinary Committee to investigate your conduct during the Bodybuilding competition at the Asian Games, which were held in Doha, Qatar, on December 8-9, 2006.

2. The Committee notes that you were present at the Doha Asian Games as coach of Malaysian athletes Mr. Sazali Abd Samad, who placed 2nd in the 65 Kg category on December 8, 2006, and Mr. Tiaw Teck Leong, who placed 4th in the 80 Kg category on December 9, 2006.

3. In his December 11, 2006 complaint, Mr. Chua claims that, on or about December 8-9, 2006, dissatisfied with the placings of Mr. Samad and Mr. Leong, you made statements in a public forum; specifically, to journalists and/or reporters, which were then circulated throughout Asia by various news outlets (including Reuters), that he [Mr. Chua] fixed the results of the Bodybuilding competition at the Doha Asian Games.

4. In his December 13, 2006 complaint, Mr. van den Branden claims that, on or about December 8-11, 2006, you made statements in a public forum; specifically, at the competition venue site and at the Doha International Airport, that he [Mr. van den Branden] received money to manipulate the results of the Bodybuilding competition at the Doha Asian Games.

5. Since the burden of proof rests with you, the Committee provided you with two opportunities, on January 3, 2007, and again, on February 13, 2007, to submit factual evidence to support your allegations of wrongdoing against Mr. Chua and Mr. van den Branden. On both occasions, you failed to respond as requested and therefore, on March 5, 2007, you were provisionally suspended in conformity with Pro Rule 9.11 (Provisional Suspensions).

6. On April 30, 2007, in conformity with Pro Rule 10.1 (Hearings), you participated in a hearing by teleconference call, at which time the Committee asserted that you violated Pro Rules 9.5 (Contest or Judging Decisions) and 9.6 (Public Statements) and clauses 5, 8, 10, 16 and 17 of the Pro Code of Ethics.

7. You did not deny making statements to the media accusing Mr. Chua of fixing the results of the Bodybuilding competition at the Doha Asian Games. You did deny making statements accusing Mr. van den Branden of receiving money to manipulate the results at the same competition.

8. With respect to the issue of proof; specifically, factual evidence to support your allegations of wrongdoing against Mr. Chua and Mr. van den Branden; you admitted to having none. Despite the lack of proof, you refused to withdraw your statements and to apologize to Mr. Chua and to Mr. van den Branden.
FINDINGS AND RECOMMENDATIONS OF THE COMMITTEE

9. The Committee finds that you did falsely accuse, in a public forum, Mr. Paul Chua and Mr. Walter van den Branden of wrongdoing; specifically, of fixing the results and/or of receiving money to manipulate the results of the Bodybuilding competition at the Doha Asian Games.

10. The Committee further finds that your conduct was a violation of Pro Rules 9.5 and 9.6 and clauses 5, 8, 10, 16 and 17 of the Pro Code of Ethics, and that such conduct was prejudicial to the IFBB Pro League, the IFBB and the aforementioned officials.

11. The Committee recommends that you be suspended for a period of one year.

FINAL DECISION

12. It is the final decision of the IFBB Pro League that you be suspended for a period of one year, from December 8, 2006 to December 8, 2007.
13. In conformity with Pro Rule 9.3 (Suspension Conditions), while under suspension you may not compete, give exhibitions or seminars, judge, officiate or otherwise participate in an official capacity at any IFBB Pro League competition.
14. It is also the decision of the IFBB Pro League that you immediately cease and desist from any and all further attacks, public or otherwise (including Internet websites), against Mr. Chua, Mr. van den Branden, the IFBB and/or any of its officials, failing which further disciplinary measures may be imposed, including expulsion from the IFBB Pro League.

15. Pursuant to Pro Rule 10.2 (Appeals), you have the right to appeal this decision within ten days of the date of the decision, failing which the right of appeal is lost.

This report is signed below by the Secretary of the ad hoc Pro Disciplinary Committee on behalf of, and with the approval of, all members of said Committee.

• Tony Blinn, Secretary, Pro Disciplinary Committee
• Jim Rockell, Member, Pro Disciplinary Committee
• Steve Weinberger, Member, Pro Disciplinary Committee
• cc. Jim Manion, Chairman, IFBB Professional League
• cc. Stephen R. Stern, Legal Counsel, IFBB Professional

by Lisa Bavington (IFBB Pro)

The female physique continues to be a hot topic of debate between those intent on controlling it and those who wish to be freed from its constraints, as women strive to become separated from how the world views their bodies. A woman’s gender role requires strict adherence to the ideal female form judged by standards of femininity that are culturally specific and historically located, designed to keep her in a perpetual state of weakness. Popular culture provides ample evidence to show that acceptable forms of the female physique has clearly become dictated by the media, its weakness embedded in a language that glamorizes addiction and our continued participation reinforced through the adoption of Western standards of beauty across the globe. The combination of these efforts is a deliberate intent to diffuse women’s power and impede future progress.

Sexualization of Female Athletes

The prevailing attitude remains that in order for a woman to be successful in any area that has been traditionally a male pursuit, she must exhibit a level of sexual attractiveness that appeals to some socially created standard of femininity. Through the direct influences of mass media, female gender roles have been influenced by what sociologist Morag Macsween calls the irreconcilability of individuality and femininity, the way individuality, despite its surface presentation as a gender-neutral category, is culturally associated with the masculine. Terms such as femininity and masculinity have become part of our everyday language designed to define acceptable standards and limits on what members of each gender are able to accomplish.

There is no greater example of this that exists than in the portrayal of the female bodybuilder, as our culture continues to undermine the efforts of female athletes by humiliating and exploiting their physiques as a way to cater to male sexual desire. Female bodybuilders challenge the shared assumption that men are, and will always be, more powerful than women. Society has continued to over sexualize women’s bodies in a concerted effort to diminish them from attaining any real power, as it is much easier to accept a muscular woman if she is portrayed as overtly sexual. As a result, women have learned to justify and/or apologize for their physical development in order to be accepted by a population who fails to understand it.

While male identity relies on being able to give the impression of being strong, in learning to become female, girls are taught to project a physical presence that speaks of latent vulnerability. The message relayed to young women is not to get too strong or too muscular and to stay smaller, so as to seem weaker than the boys. The women have held back their progress for fear of becoming too successful, to please an industry that has set them up to be in constant competition with one another for their femininity, rather than their physiques.

The irony is that, as women, female bodybuilders have acknowledged society’s view of the feminine ideal, chosen to reject it, yet still allow themselves to be judged by it. Many of these women have a vested interest in proclaiming their femininity and attempt to resolve the conflict by over emphasing their feminine side with makeup, jewelry, provocative clothing and constant references to their boyfriends. As more and more women buy into this concept, it no longer becomes necessary to reinforce it as they begin to perpetuate it among themselves.

It is not that the public cannot accept muscular women, it’s that they can’t grasp the connection between what most find represents a contradiction in terms. On the one hand their image portrays a rejection to the ideal female form and, on the other, an attempt to make up for it. Female bodybuilders have been taught to equate their value as athletes from their level of sexual attractiveness, and allow others to judge them solely on this basis.

Women with muscle are thought to be particularly offensive to a number of mainstream publications as they contradict notions of gender appropriateness. The fitness industry continues to attack female bodybuilders who they neither feature in their magazine, support with their products or value as their target market. This sexist attitude towards muscular women is clearly a conscious effort on the part of the mainstream media to appeal to an adolescent audience that is highly predictable.

Myth of the "Mannish" woman

As women have gotten physically stronger, homophobia has gotten increasingly more powerful to keep up with the demand. Outside of the world of female muscle, a fear of having their schools overrun with lesbians has influenced many local athletic directors not to add girls’ sports, such as basketball, to their schools varsity programs. In the US, College coaches began using lesbianism as a negative recruiting tool. The WNBA also made an attempt to represent the Association in a way that would counteract the public’s fears about the players and the sport being homosexual.

Back in the 1960’s, women in different international competitions were required to present themselves to a panel of judges for visual examination of their genitalia and later, the "Barr" sex test was implemented to ensure that each athlete had two complete XX and no Y-chromosomes. Martina Navratilova was criticized for the impossibility of being a "real" woman, being portrayed as some type of misfit, an Amazon, "bleached blonde Czech bisexual defector" as labeled by a writer for Sports Illustrated. Suggestions were also made that she was something other than a "natural" female, as a writer for Time magazine revealed "in order to play so well, Martina must have a chromosomic screw loose somewhere." Only those women who had successfully achieved femininity were rewarded, however their athletic accomplishments went largely unrecognized.

Femuscle Meets Heroin Chic

Women’s weakness has become embedded in a culture that glamorizes addiction through mindless commercialism, meant to target and encourage women into adopting dangerous addictions, related to both food and drugs to have them "fit" with the next fashion trend. Picture the following scenario: A plague is sweeping the nation, wiping out thousands of young men. Not just ordinary men, but the best and the brightest as they adopt dangerous rituals that prevent them from ever reaching their full potential. Estimates are that 1 in 5 have been stricken with the disease and the numbers are growing by leaps and bounds. Among those afflicted, a secret language has developed that enables them to communicate easily to the others. The media, being alerted to the disease, exasperates their condition by producing advertisements meant to encourage and foster the further development of the disease. These men are fading, the victims are pleading for help, but they are stuck in a society that continues to ignore the problem because the intention is to keep these men weak.

This disease is real, but it isn’t wiping out hoards of young men, it is destroying the lives of women across the board, afflicting women of all races, social class and cultural identities. No one is interested in doing anything about it because of the gender of its victims; this would never be allowed to happen to young men. Terms such as anorexia and "heroin chic" have been developed in response to the growing numbers of young women suffering from dangerous addictions to both food and drugs. They have become embedded in a secret language that glamorizes weakness and markets addiction to a highly receptive audience. From an early age, young girls become preoccupied with size, with looking too big and begin dieting frantically setting themselves up for uncontrollable eating disorders. 5 to 7% of America’s 12 million undergraduates are afflicted with anorexia, bulimia or binge eating, with a mortality rate of 20% among anorexics, the highest of any mental disorder.

Girls are trained to halt the development of their bodies at puberty because of the cultural proscription against females being strong. As a result, girls weaken themselves unnaturally. This femininity training is what makes women hide their sexuality, while enabling men to display it. It didn’t take long for the look to go mainstream when fashion photography started producing provocative images that glamorized heroin abuse and commercial photographers began copying the style for high-profile advertising campaigns. This type of marketing functions in a way that portrays the models who grace the covers of Vogue as standards for the whole of womankind. It’s not necessary to articulate an explicit law, every woman simply knows what is expected of her and what it means to be an acceptable woman.

Fashion photography is clearly more persuasive, causes greater danger and has the potential to negatively influence young girls as they seek to define and develop into mature women. By focusing on models that look sickly, rather than healthy and promoting weakness over strength, advertisers continue to send a message of acceptability for the addictive behaviors they inspire and influence generations of women to buy into their twisted sense of liberation and false consciousness. Young women need only to look at the pictures in order to internalize this continuous assault on their bodies that has taught them to remain passive and weak.

The Globalization of Beauty

Notions of "ideal femininity" are reinforced through the adoption of Western standards of beauty in a deliberate attempt to create and maintain the ideal female form. Evident in the continued focus in academic circles of certain civilizations over others, specific ideas about gender relations between the sexes are perpetuated in the classroom and transported to other cultures around the globe.

The Dawn of Western Civilization represents the beginning of the end for women’s history in giving rise to the patriarchal system that our society continues to hold dear. As female inferiority was born through the book of Genesis, woman became a mere derivative of man, created from Adam’s rib. Young men in classrooms around the world studied the teachings of Aristotle, whose view of reproduction held that women were "mutilated" males. Not to be outdone by Freud, who described women as "astrated" males, envious of what men had been given and they had not. This natural theory got converted into social theory through the emergence of Social Darwinism, which was used to justify men’ cultural dominance and rule over women.

Later, Talcott Parsons, an eminent sociologist, convinced his followers that gender identities and behaviors are not an arbitrary imposition on an infinitely plastic biological base but rather an adjustment to the real biological differences between the sexes. His writings argued that distinctions between masculine and feminine traits are biological/natural rather than cultural/artificial, and that without rigid gender dimorphism, society could not function as well as it does now, asserting once again, that women"s subordination to men is natural.

The fear of female physical power continues to transcend cultures around the globe. Mass communication has made the world into a global village and more than a few countries have begun to express interest in adopting American cultural practices as their own. In Nigeria, a social transformation has begun, in a region where ample backsides and bosoms were once considered ideals of female beauty, their new Miss World, has been described as a "white girl in black skin." The Globalization of Beauty is in full force and Barbie, or better still, Agbani has taken over the world and all she had to do was smile North American style.

The thin "It" girls are now called "lepa", using a Yoruba word that means thin, having never been applied to women previously in their culture. In the United States slimness may be an ideal, but many ethnic groups in this region traditionally celebrate larger women. Before their weddings, brides are sent to fattening farms, where their caretakers feed them huge amounts of food in an effort to bulk them up and massage them into rounder shapes. After weeks inside the fattening farms, the big brides are let out and paraded in the Village Square. Due to the success of the lepa girls, parents are now urging their daughters to take part in beauty pageants as they have now come to believe that slim is beautiful.

Gender as Identity

Key to any patriarchal society, is the use of certain facts about the physiology of man and woman as the basis for constructing a set of identities and behaviors that work to empower men and disempower women known as gender. Society convinces itself that cultural constructions are somehow natural and that one’s normality depends on their ability to display the gender identities and behaviors society deems consistent with one’s biological sex. We know that they are meaningless concepts, as the rules are continuously changing, but a woman’s femininity continues to be unfairly emphasized, encouraging girls to remain passive and weak. Supposedly natural differences in strength between men and women are used to validate the differences in the amount of social power they hold. Because men have stronger bodies in contrast to women’s inherently weaker ones, they serve to justify why men naturally have, and need, more power. However, in the world of athletics, elite athletes look and act more alike than they do different, exhibiting traits that are common to them as a group and not assigned to one gender over another. The very notion that women feel that they have to ascribe to some social standard of femininity in order to be competitive is sexist at its very core. If a woman with muscle in more of a man, then is a man without muscle more of a woman? For women, the dangerous implications of these cultural norms include negative self-esteem, poor body image, a predisposition to eating disorders, substance abuse and addictions that prevent them from reaching their full potential. We talk about the secret language of eating disorders and terms such as "heroin chic" as part of our everyday vocabulary, as if they too will pass, when in reality they have been internalized by a generation of young women in a culture that continues to glamorize the weak female form.

As a result, identity for women relies solely on their ability to shape their bodies, while the media attempts to shape their minds, creating an incredible amount of anxiety and self-hatred. In a capitalist-run society like ours where those in charge equate money with power, it becomes a way to sell product and continue making profit off of an exploited segment of the population. It serves to maintain control over their bodies. It further exists to focus their minds on frivolous things, keeping any legitimate concerns at surface level, thus preventing them from attaining any real power and sense of control over their lives. It fuels multi-million dollar cosmetic, fashion and diet industries designed to have constantly changing standards so as to continue the pursuit of the next fashion trend, always making the women want more. It’s not just the magazines, the movies or the models that are portrayed; it’s the combination of it all, putting a tremendous amount of pressure on women of all ages.

Society continues to be disturbed by a woman’s level of physical development due to commonly held misconceptions of gender and body morphology. Phrases such as feminine muscle and muscular femininity should no longer sit well with the next generation of women and will have to respond to it by questioning if, in fact, muscle really does have a gender. Gender, a term that links our sexuality and biology into well-defined roles of what should and shouldn’t be; of natural and biological, of physical, emotional and intellectual. Women will remain in a perpetual state of weakness as long as these rigid gender roles, requiring the strict adherence to the ideal female form judged by standards of femininity, remain a priority in our culture. The resulting language that is communicated and developed worldwide maintains the status quo for those with a vested interest in keeping women in a second-class position forever.

Femininity is a concept that cannot be defined objectively and is open to a wide degree of interpretation and subjective criticism. It is not inherent and, therefore, not something that any individual should have to aspire to. For some, these terms continue to have meaning, but for the vast majority of others, they cannot, as the cost of not being able to measure up is much too high.

I’d like to share a great article that I just read with all of you.

Tales of a "Bikini Babe"

by Olesya Novik

I am an athlete. My life is consumed by my sport. I spend it eating six or seven times daily, training a couple of hours per day, and doing copious amounts of cardio. I make sure I get my eight hours of sleep, and carry a gallon of water wherever I go.

Open the biggest cabinet in my kitchen. You’ll see a few bottles of BCAA’s, surrounded by 3 huge containers of protein powder (to ensure that I NEVER run out), glutamine, and a collection of smaller bottles with colorful capsules inside. Look around. Staring back at you, on the countertop, is an enormous box of oatmeal from Costco… along with a bottle of Se7en and Hot-Rox Extreme, and at least 10 more gallons of water.

Now open my fridge. Awww… were you looking for a soda?? SORRY, all I’ve got are chicken, eggs, broccoli, and some steak for that special occasion. I SAID I’m prepping for a contest!!

You were hungry and HAD to stop by Micky D’s because there wasn’t anything healthier around? I understand. I would do the same… if I didn’t have a trunk-full of pre-made chicken with rice and a purse-full of tuna packets with me at all times! Does your lady run to the restroom to "freshen-up" at work? I do the SAME!! Except "freshen-up" means "down a shake" in my language — not "reapply mascara" as it does in hers.

Does your idea of a party involve beer?? I know how to party too!! My idea of a good time involves a squat rack and a bucket for vomiting after each grueling set…

Didn’t mean to get carried away, just wanted to introduce myself. Hi. How you doin’? My name is Olesya Novik. I’m a figure girl. I compete in figure competitions. You know the ones. Some like to refer to them as "bikini contests" that feature girls with "no athletic ability." Just a bunch of "cardio bunnies" prancing around the stage in high heels. I’m one of those ladies.

Why the bitter undertone, you ask? Come train with me — or better yet, spend a day living my life — and you’ll see why I’m fed up with reading articles and posts all over the web stating that competing in figure requires no "special abilities, athleticism, or discipline of any kind."

I get upset any time someone who knows NOTHING about my lifestyle goes on a board to post that figure doesn’t belong as a division of any bodybuilding federation since women competing in it aren’t "real athletes."

My life as a figure competitor is stressful enough just knowing that unlike the bodybuilding division of my sport, figure doesn’t have any set rules or requirements. While bodybuilders look to simply gain as much mass as humanly possible and get ripped to shreds prior to getting on stage, I have to determine a way to be ripped — but with no visible striations, and have very full — but defined muscles with no water OR thin skin.

My physique can not just be muscular — it has to be aesthetically pleasing to the judges of that particular show. I have to be perfectly balanced — create the illusion of a wide back, a tiny waist, capped shoulders, sculpted legs — all without looking like I have too much muscle in any portion of my figure. I have to look curvy, but strong. I push beyond physical boundaries to get my body unnaturally lean to show off the musculature I work so hard to get. I then have to work on ways to look "full" to MASK that leanness, so as to maintain my feminine appeal.

So what makes bodybuilders more "athletic" than us figure girls, anyway? Is it the fact that they get to walk barefoot on stage while we have to pose while cramping up in heels? Or maybe it’s the fact that they don’t have to worry about their hair looking perfect, their makeup being flawless… their false lashes staying in place through the day, and their blush being visible on an orange base?

Wait, I know — it’s the fact that male bodybuilders get to hike up their bikini bottoms to show off the striations on their glutes, while I have to Bikini-Bite the barely-there "V" of the bottom portion of my suits to my ass and pray it doesn’t get unglued as I’m trying to balance in my 6" heels while looking graceful in my walk, remembering how to pose perfectly and SMILE!! All while trying to not fall because OUCH… my left leg cramped up! And WHOA… the bikini bite didn’t hold up too well…

Guess what? My barely covered booty is now disqualified from the competition.

Here we go again — back to the drawing board. Pack on some muscle to balance out my physique a bit more. Some old-school training does it best for me — yep, those same Deads, Squats, Rack Pulls, Chins… those Barbell Rows and Bench. Those are what I do, just like the Bodybuilders. Just like the "real athletes" of my sport. I bust my ass, lift over twice my weight in most of those compound movements I listed. Just like them. I have deep scratches on my shins, calluses on my palms, long bruises on my back — where the squat bar rests. Yet somehow, according to so many posts on the net, what I do requires "no discipline."

It’s nothing more than a bikini contest. And it’s time to step on stage. I’m walking slowly, approaching the entrance, grabbing onto the bottom of my suit as I walk — NO WAY IN HELL will I let that Bikini Bite fail on me this time! As I press the suit into my skin, I feel myself getting more nervous — and overwhelmingly excited at the same time. My entire body feels weak, dehydrated, shaky. I can barely see because of the heavy makeup covering my eyelids. My right foot has been cramping up ever since I got into my heels… and all I can think is… SMILE. Try to.

Be graceful, FEMININE. You’ve spent hours covering up the scratches from those Deadlifts, the bruises from the Squats to look flawless — like a lady should! Now it’s your turn. GO! SMILE! Don’t flex too hard! Don’t trip! Rock the hips when you walk! NOT THAT MUCH — watch the Bikini Bite!!

WHEW. It’s over. I did it. The prejudging is done. Time to rest, re-touch my makeup, remain "dry" yet full-looking, fix the hair, and not ruin the tan — which means stay away from water. ANY water. Well… I’m faced with a bit of a dilemma. I DO want the perfect tan — with no drip marks anywhere on my body — for the night show. But nature calls. I’ve GOT to pee. I’m NOT a male. My anatomy makes it impossible to just "stand & aim." I need to sit, and risk splashing water onto my perfectly tanned bottom. Yes, this too requires ingenuity. I end up peeing in a plastic cup to avoid any marks on my tan.

As soon as I’m backstage prior to the night show starting, I begin helping other girls with their dilemmas. One ruined her tan by not being as resourceful as me when she had to pee. Another competitor had the look of death on her face because one of the straps of her suit broke. Armed with a sewing kit, a few of the girls jumped to help her — while a few others (myself included in this group), went to comfort her and convince her that all would be OK!

As I was thinking of ways to make her understand that what was happening to her was in no way a life-or-death situation, something occurred to me. I DID want to win. Badly. But this isn’t what amazed me — the reason for my desire to win is what was truly surprising!

Unlike male bodybuilders of my sport, I would NOT be rewarded for my efforts in winning the show with a cash prize. All I would be getting is a plastic trophy. The trophy, along with recognition for being the best athlete on stage that day. That is what meant a lot to me. The Squats, the Deadlifts, the Rack Pulls… the bruises, and cuts on my shins. All the vomiting on leg day. All those times I was up for cardio at 3AM, before eating a cold chicken breast on my way to work an hour later. ALL WORTH IT, for that recognition!!

I placed first at the show, which, of course, made me happy. In all honesty, however, it’s the weeks leading up to the show that taught me a whole lot about why I love my sport. I learned a lot about who I am, and how determined the iron, the treadmill, and that chicken breast have made me. I learned that I definitely do not give up easily! And hell, if I can lift those 350lbs for sets of 13 reps… I sure will have no problems dealing with just about anything else life throws my way!

A human body is a machine, controlled by the mind. If the mind believes it, the body will achieve it. At least that’s how MY mind works. You know — the mind of an athlete…

My hams are SORE!!  It’s been a while since I’d had a real intense workout due to my mandatory week off, preceded by the boring depletion workouts and low cals.  I’d almost forgotten how difficult it can be to navigate all the stairs in the subway system, and in my own third story walkup, with serious ham DOMS.  I feel wonderfully alive and capable of some new quality growth!

Today was an off day from training.  It will be interesting to see how my body reacts to having 2 off days; I haven’t done this since last year, but I am attempting to be faithful to what I need to grow instead of what I want to do.

I had a terrible migraine for most of the day, so I didn’t track my diet precisely.  I am reasonably sure that I got enough calories in.  Despite feeling a bit under the weather, I made sure to walk around outside a lot since it was an absolutely gorgeous day - I have pretty dark shades, so it didn’t aggrivate my head too much.  Flip flops and a tank top!  I think it was 76 degrees.  On my walk, I ate some Vietnamese sumer rolls, so even if I was so inclined to do my macros, I have no clue what they’d be!

I am excited to start training again tomorrow.  I have felt like a sloppy lump taking this whole week off.  Tomorrow will begin with hams.  I am splitting my ham and quad days since my legs need special attention to grow well. 

I won!    There is a bunch of controversy surrounding the decision at the moment because some people don’t agree with the final outcome, but I guess you can’t please everyone.  I am going to be the bigger person (actually almost 10 lbs bigger this week, lol) and try not to snap back and get defensive, but it is difficult since I feel like I’m being attacked.   

I feel a bit lost, in limbo if you will, since my show passed.  Preparing for the stage had become so much of a part of my identity that I don’t really know how to be the non-dieting me any more.  I am anxiously waiting for Sunday to arrive so that I can hit the weights again.  I’m not tracking my diet this week, but I am planning my bulking diet that will go into effect on Sunday as well.  I will be starting with about 2100 calories on training days and 1800 on off days and tweaking the cals and macros as needed.  I’ll also be switching to a 5 day split with 20 minutes of light cardio done post workout. 

I should be at the airport picking up Dan right now, but no.  The midwest decided that April would be an opportune time to have a blizzard.  He will now not be leaving until tomorrow morning at the earliest.  This is NOT what I need right now to add to my stress.  Mother Nature hates me.