Ms.DitzyD’s Blog

Okay so I don’t really understand the posting, I posted a blog last night but it never got posted for some reason so I am going to try and rekindle my thoughts and post it again.

I’m super excited as today is my first day of my intense workout regimen and clean eating lifestyle.. YEAH!! I’m really excited I want this more than anything in the world right now.. I put in my workout section the workout plan, if you have any feedback on it that would be greatly appreciated and ways to improving is always awsome.
I wanted to let everyone know who commented me and read my previous blogs THANK YOU, !
For all your much needed support, and reading your advice really helped me get over the slump I was feeling I know I was better than that and everyone goes through ups and downs. I also spoke with my mom today and she helped me through it too. I am going to see a therapist during the week to help get this horrible depression I have under way and get back to being myself and happy and loving life!! Hope all had a wonderful Thanksgiving we all have a lot to be thankful for and hope everyone has a great week ahead of them, I know I sure will!! Desi

I can’t sleep,.. I haven’t be able to sleep in the past two weeks. I just lie awake thinking and thinking and talking to myself, pacing my room trying to understand the choices and actions I have made over the last 13 years since I was seven.. I’m not going into too many personal details but my life changed when I was seven and I have been trying to cope and come to terms with it every since then.. This is very hard for me, I can’t comes to terms with it and I feel like I am losing myself.. I just took a very hard look at myself in the mirror and realized I had let myself go so far down a dark path I can’t even imagine.. Imagine I know is not everything but my hair, skin and body are at their worst they have ever been in my life, and I know its a result of what has been going on.. I feel like I have this dark cloud over me and I can never be happy, I loved being happy and I loved myself but thoughts of previous actions erase that and I hate myself and take myself out of the world and I hate that. I am distancing myself from everyone right now, I haven’t talked to my parents or friends in weeks. and I’m not even  mad, I just can come to terms to say anything, My parents are the world to me and I love them so much but in a way Im angry that they never sought help for me. I have asked them times again I need to talk to someone but I never have, to me what is going on is getting worse even though there are no more actions of what I did, it is worse to think about and analyze it.   I have been thinking about writing this blog for sometime it not really for anyone but for me to freely say what I need to say. I want so badly is to train and workout thats all and even thats is hard.. My thoughts overwhelm me and I can’t face going to the gym I just curl up in my room and that is it. I want these feelings to go away so I can feel normal again.. to feel pretty and happy again.. I have thought about telling my mom tomorrow if I can see someone for this, I need to or I am just going to get worse.. I wish I could talk to her and I know I can but I’m not ready to face it with her yet just someone I don’t know at this moment will help me better.. I know there is a light at the end of my tunnel and I will get there in my time.. Des

Well well, where should I begin?! This isn’t my first time thinking of bodybuilding or losing weight. This has been my obsession literally since high school, when I read my first Oxygen Magazine and thought I CAN do that. I can have that amazing body and feel great about myself and in high school I made a goal to myself that I would do anything it takes to get there! of-course in a realistic matter! Since graduating three years ago I seem to haven’t stuck with my plan all the way like I wanted to. My family bought a bakery when I graduated and all the clean eating I did before the bakery went out the window. And thats not an excuse I know I have to make choices and I know most choices I made at the time were not the best.  I was helping my family with this new endeavor I wasn’t giving myself time for me. This past summer was the worst, I don’t know what possessed me to eat the way I did I think it was stress from my own job at the time, school and the relationships I was in but I gained 22 lbs, which for me was crazy because this person I have become was never the person I wanted to be. On Sunday I logged back into my Bodybuilding.com site in over a long few months and realized I need to get back on my way to becoming the best again! It will be hard but hard work pays off and Im going to be consistent and do my best. I have cut out all the junk the was making my body gross and sick and getting back to the gym where I belong and feel great in. This is for me!