What’s Happening to ME?
I can’t sleep,.. I haven’t be able to sleep in the past two weeks. I just lie awake thinking and thinking and talking to myself, pacing my room trying to understand the choices and actions I have made over the last 13 years since I was seven.. I’m not going into too many personal details but my life changed when I was seven and I have been trying to cope and come to terms with it every since then.. This is very hard for me, I can’t comes to terms with it and I feel like I am losing myself.. I just took a very hard look at myself in the mirror and realized I had let myself go so far down a dark path I can’t even imagine.. Imagine I know is not everything but my hair, skin and body are at their worst they have ever been in my life, and I know its a result of what has been going on.. I feel like I have this dark cloud over me and I can never be happy, I loved being happy and I loved myself but thoughts of previous actions erase that and I hate myself and take myself out of the world and I hate that. I am distancing myself from everyone right now, I haven’t talked to my parents or friends in weeks. and I’m not even mad, I just can come to terms to say anything, My parents are the world to me and I love them so much but in a way Im angry that they never sought help for me. I have asked them times again I need to talk to someone but I never have, to me what is going on is getting worse even though there are no more actions of what I did, it is worse to think about and analyze it. I have been thinking about writing this blog for sometime it not really for anyone but for me to freely say what I need to say. I want so badly is to train and workout thats all and even thats is hard.. My thoughts overwhelm me and I can’t face going to the gym I just curl up in my room and that is it. I want these feelings to go away so I can feel normal again.. to feel pretty and happy again.. I have thought about telling my mom tomorrow if I can see someone for this, I need to or I am just going to get worse.. I wish I could talk to her and I know I can but I’m not ready to face it with her yet just someone I don’t know at this moment will help me better.. I know there is a light at the end of my tunnel and I will get there in my time.. Des
November 26, 2008 at 1:21 am
When you are in your lows it can be difficult to get out of that brain rut. You need to focus on your awesome goal.. that’s who you are today.
If you do what you did yesterday you will look and be who you were yesterday. Working out brings me the discipline to go structure my life mentally and physically.
Every time I go to the gym I never regret it. I get pretty bad blues myself where even my bones hurt, but it’s all in your head and you control your thoughts. Take control. peace. s
November 26, 2008 at 1:52 am
u need to take some rest and review your program - diet
and mostly quiet your mind through meditation for example
November 26, 2008 at 1:54 am
well, first of all ur not bad AT ALL ..ur just normal and thats how everyone starts its just that u need to focus on ur main goal like what sandraolden sayed ..and here is a advise from me ‘’start workingout and DONT LOOK AT THE MIRROR'’ couse that will make u think that ur body wont change and dont talk to anyone couse its between u and ur self.. just start NOW and keep on it and there’s always a great results BUT it will take time and a hard work ..im telling u this couse i made a change in 7 months onley and im pretty sure that u can do better than that .GOOD LUCK.(Hussam)
November 26, 2008 at 1:57 am
I am not sure of the issues you are dealing with but sometimes you just have to let stuff go. I still deal with issues from my past, things from Iraq and my former marriage I have a lot of guilt sometimes, but in reality sometimes there is nothing I can do but let it go. They say time heals all wounds and the deeper the cut the longer it takes to heal and there will always be a scare. I do find peace in training, I luv to come out of the gym feeling like I just trashed myself and then to see gains is also good. Anyway sorry if I did not help but you can message me anytime you need to vent or get advise.
Marcus
November 26, 2008 at 3:22 am
Des, you are not the first person to deal with life and feel like you do. there are already a growing list of people on here who will help and support you. but only you can take that next step. i think your first step was to post on here. we’re with you, let us know what we can do to help!
-matt
November 26, 2008 at 3:26 am
First and foremost, life isn’t fair and many times it is not fun. We will always be thrown random garbage and we will always have to fight to not let us hit us in the face.
I get depressed many times myself. I feel like life is a dead end and there is not a whole lot to look forward to. My friends and family are all moving forward and I feel like I am standing still (or worse yet, moving backwards). I don’t know what has happened to you but I can relate to some extent - a lot has happened to me. Enough that I’ve had a few people say to me that there is no way they could have came out of my situation sane or without killing someone.
As for this site and the reason it is here… I started working out about a month ago and have really enjoyed it. Many times, it can be a total grudge to go. But once there, I have never regretted it. Its a place where I can put on my iPod, roll around on the ground, throw weights around, and work on some cardio and nothing else matters. Who cares what is going on outside - that is ‘me’ time. Maybe it would help you too.
Chat at you later. Message me anytime you feel like chattering and want someone to listen.
November 26, 2008 at 4:44 am
Let me know if you need to talk on a more personal level. I have been through deep depression myself where there felt like there was no end in sight, or that there never would be resolution. You can tell me anything. I am here for you. eatingpeachez@yahoo.com
November 26, 2008 at 4:44 am
Let me know if you need to talk on a more personal level. I have been through deep depression myself where there felt like there was no end in sight, or that there never would be resolution. You can tell me anything. I am here for you.