Highs. Lows and In-betweens.

Well, on Friday (8/6/09) after a month long battle with some respiratory issue… my sweetest companion passed away. Her fighting through it all didn’t really phase me or my routine until about the last week when I was feeding her every 3 hours and giving water in between.  Truth be told, I didn’t really want to be away from her for too long and when I was at the gym I was only focused on getting back to be with her.  Then as it is said to come in threes… my supps were shipped back to BB.com as there wasn’t an apt number and so, they didn’t even attempt to leave it.  So, my cravings came in and I ate pretty much whatever I wanted. The bad thing is that my system had been so clean that for the past 4 days I haven’t felt right at all as I have been eating crap. That was worse than the 3 pounds I gained.

Anyway, it’s a long road getting things back in some sort of order after Keyta’s passing. It’s a strange thing having to pick up the pieces around myself and carry on as I did when she was still her. :0/  But I will. In her honor and in my own.

Now I just want the supps to arrive today… PPPPUUUUHHHHLLLLEEEEAASSSEE!

Doing more than extremely well on my new goals. I’ve been taking SXtreme/ LXtreme for about a week and eating super super clean for about 1.5 weeks. No skipped days at the gym etc.  So it would make sense that by now there is some imperative attempt my "mind" is making at stopping my progress. Whether it is by excuses that come into play, fights that I create with my loved ones to drain my energy making it "impossible" to go, or whatever self sabotaging mechanisms I can create to stand in my way. I know that at least I am really attempting to recognize these issues so that they don’t achieve their end result… which is to stop.  Im not sure why my mind/body behave that way. I know that it’s always easier to be a fat, lazy slob… accountable to no one, not even myself. But in those moments when uncomfort is at an all time high and self doubt/esteem are void: then to be the best I can be seems like all I would ever want.  Somewhere between those two opposites is where I usually sit. Too afraid, doubtful that I will reach my goals and yet too much a fighter to let myself completely fall. However, when I near either side I miraculously maneuver the ability to detour myself. It could be a programmed pattern in my head, it could be habits that I am used to or even something I have no clue how to acknowledge. But in this moment, this time… I am witnessing them occur and fighting them off. People say in these situations…"oh, my mom made me think I could never achieve greatness…" or "my dad never thought I was good enough…" "so now, I can’t function right because of… blah blah blah"  So, that was me, I used to say those things.  And although that may never change… how am I going to change my reality, NOW? My husband says… once you train yourself to be different, soon your mind will recognize the pattern/habits you are setting and it will become second nature. Do I believe him, YES!  Does it seem overwhelming and bleak as compared to the 26 years I have spent otherwise… YES! But like I have said before… people change out of desperation or necessity. Well, as of now, I possess them both.

So my new discovery is this… being healthy, fit, cut, ripped, thin, hot… whatever… is a mind set.  You have to know you deserve it. Act because you want to achieve it and continue because you believe in yourself the eventually you will get there. Your end result/ bi-product of this mentally is your beautiful body on the outside. I think that is why, like myself, people who begin to be healthy (working out, eating clean, creating schedules/routines, setting goals, training for competitions) are coming from a vulnerable, positive, determined state of mind. I don’t think the desires to be better would come from any other rational. The "fall off the wagon" effect though comes from those in-between times. Once you have begun your new healthy way of life and that inital motivation has gone so far… reality kicks in. Triggers occur and life wants to go back to that comfortable place, that familiarity. The  illusion is, you wern’t really comfortable there either or you wouldn’t have desired change to begin with. So, how do you propel forward when everything in your body/mind wants to go backwards?  Well, THIS very moment is what will define your success. This moment is the crucial moment that weeds out the dream bodies from the average people on the street. And it comes from within you. To challenge your body’s/mind’s habitual processes into returning to place you "think" you are comfortable in, a place that you really don’t want to stay in… and to push past, break the barrier, believe in yourself and know that even if no one is in your corner… you CAN do this, then the world is yours.  Some people are born or raised this way. I was not. I am learning how to be this way. The challenges that I face is that I know as I write this, this will not be the last time I am here, in this place again. That I know and believe enough in myself to look these redundant/ ridiculous/ self-sabotaging thoughts in the face, SMASH through them FIERCELY and KKKEEEEPPPPP GGGOOOOOIIIIINNNNGGGGG until the times between become further and further apart.

THIS, is the true secret to my success. When I look at someone’s body-space and admire their physique, I must also remember that more-so, I am admiring the belief they had in themselves that it took to take themselves there before that body could have EVER been created.

So, this past weekend my husband and I decided to do all that we can and will in order to enter in a competition at the end of this year. We both need that extra "oomph" to strive towards. Anyway, I have this little negative that I carry around with me and that negative is called…"self defeat". It pops up a lot throughout my day and generally keeps me from doing what I need or want to. I am working on that but never knew just how prevalent it was/is until this morning. Monday… first day back on the horse. I set my alarm last night for 5:10 for me, 4:30 for my husband. Well, 1:45 last night my cat decided to wake us up by making that "b-o-i-n-g" sound on the doorstopper. That is noise enough to wake me up into realizing I have to go to the bathroom. Upon getting back into bed this incessant cricket starts chirping right outside our window… making it nearly impossible to fall immediately back to sleep. 3:15, starting to fall back asleep… then "bam" my cat slams into the blinds. Nice. Now Im pissed. 4:30… my husbands alarm… 5:10, my turn.
Needless to say, my body wants to sleep, my desire to go to the gym is waaaaay lessened and I am pissed at life. I get up anyway and look at some progress pics from last night vs. last year… WORSE. At this point… my morning sucks. I feel way behind, way disgusting, low in hope and pissed that I am even tackling it so tired, so mad and so overwhelmed.
At the gym (in our apartment… no one in there but me) I start with squats… do about 4 other free weight exercises and head to the treadmill for some 30 second on/off sprints on level 8. As I am running these 30 second intervals its like Im yelling at myself in my head.."why are your feet so damn heavy, cause your fat!"  "come on, come on… mother F*"… yeah, crazy talk… right?  Anyway… after doing that for about 12 minutes… my momentum slows and I don’t want to be there anymore (wonder why). So, after telling myself some pointless rant of negativity again I go to jump back on the 8 mile an hour treadmill…. my foot catches wrong… before I know it, my head slammed into the treadmill, Im holding for dear life like a flopping fish on the bottom of a boat. I know instantly I have to let go and slam myself into the "decorative" woven grass flooring behind me… a welcoming material for sever rug burn. Upon landing on the floor… I looked around, no one. THANK GOD!  Now that the embarrassment was out of the way, my ego began to take a hit. I got my **** and got the hell out of there. The whole way back to our apartment I knew what had just happened. That was the epitome of a wake up call… "I’m going to get nowhere with that kind of attitude."

So, if it helps anyone.. even if I look back on this from time to time… let me be the lesson learned. Be strict but understanding with yourself. Love yourself enough to push  past the boundaries without tearing yourself apart before you’ve even allowed yourself to get there. I don’t know where I acquired that self-hatred or down talking to/about myself. I know it has always been there but in seeing it "rear it’s ugly head" I know I need to do something about it.

Lesson:  Falling off the treadmill is a painful recognition but living the rest of my life with the negativity that caused me to do so is worse.

*** It’s okay to laugh… as I iced my poor knees, arms hips and head this morning with my husband we shared a HUGE laugh at how "you tube" this really was. ;0)***

Wow. Last night as I layed in bed trying to scrounge up the motivation to wake up at 4:40 A.M. and hit the treadmill I came to BB.com and started clicking away. I ended up on the thread "fat to fit". Although there were not many transformations for women, I found myself so, so enamored with the progress of these guys. So many times in the gym or wherever I may be, if I see a totally built guy who looks like the epitomy of health… I don’t even give him another thought or look. The interesting part is, it’s not so much because I’m bitchy or (happily) married but because I’m thinking…"oh shit, he is on another level. Doesn’t even see me. Has no idea what it’s like to have pounds to loose or to be in a body that he doesn’t want to be in."  Well, not so much all of that at once but that’s the general energy I give off. And yes, I probably look like a huge bitch because I do an about-face. But the reality of it is, seeing him (or her) is a reminder to me of how far I have to go and how much of life I just might be missing out of by being reminded. So, last night when I am looking at these over-weight, dull, lifeless characters turn their lives into passionate,healthy, vivacious guys… Im like, "dang, I was so wrong."

It was a fantastic reminder that 1. It can be done. 2. Just when you think you have the worst/ best life… there is always going to be the next person who’s life is better or worse than yours. 3. We have get out of our heads. So much of my life is spent in a reality that only exists in my mind vs. the actuality of what is tangible and real in front of me. 4. Judgement is bullshit… no one ever asks for the full up-to-date on how someone arrived at where they are before creating a judgement about them. I don’t, anyway. And I should.

Anyway, Im so impressed and rejuvenated by seeing such transformation, such hard work and sheer determination. What a beautiful progress to be proud of. I just hope all of us remember to continue to be proud of ourselves everyday. Sometimes I get stuck in the repetition of daily life and I forget that once upon a time I dreamed of being where I am now. Whether it was financially, mentally, physically… whatever. At one point in my life I wanted to be just where I am now. It’s hard not become complacent. Anyway… to you dudes, should you ever read this… a BIG HUGE thank you for a BIG HUGE dose of reality.

xoxo ;0)

Okay, so I have been slacking on this site for awhile. I guess you could say I have been busy with life… excuses. lol. Anyway, I have moved 2600 miles from the only home I have ever really known. Adjustments from the West coast to the east are big and many! It’s different here… very, very green. ;0)  I thought I had asthma when I first got out here!  I couldn’t breathe when I ran and I had to bump my times (the duration) down to cope. However, I have been keeping up with it for about a month and am totally fine. yeay!  Anyway… I am back on the diet and fitness train. I just want to freaking get there. DAMN! But, I have been hanging strong for awhile. I jumped back into squats today and finished it off with an intense run in the pouring rain. It felt good, although I probably looked like a crazy person. ha ha. Whatever!
So, that’s a quick update in a nutshell. I miss my family, friends and the familiarity but am sure this is all for the better.  Removing myself from all that I know has provided me the room to grow without the comfort of everyone/thing cushioning me… does that make sense?  hmm.
Soooo, bum bum bum… round 580,000,000… here I go again!

I am such a life phaser.  I have truly recognized myself as such. I am aware of the  times people are "on" one minute and "off" the next. But along side my malady I am an extremist.  Now those two together can be as I have painted:  greatly beneficial or hugely self sacrificial. I am in search of balance. And although I am aware now of the problem; it seems as though I have created a larger one in seeking the answer. How maddening to know what it is about yourself you need to adjust but having to be the refferee that blows the whistle when I have crossed my own self proclaimed boundry.  When I am at the peak of my immediate phase.. i.e. working out as planned ( and that means in direct order with the 20-40 minutes of cardio I alloted for, maybe pushing past the time about 5 minutes or so… but god forbid I stop short. Or Pushing out one last set when I told myself I’d do 3.. etc.) eating correctly (which also allots for nothing but perfection)… I am like a proud mother to myself cheering in the stands.  However, when I have fallen and all I can do is sit at home in my "oh so comfortable" fat clothes and dream of dairy queen, I am like the forgotten child alone in my dark room waiting to be played with.  And there you have it… my two extremes. There are no inbetween moments, no allowances of grace, nothing. I am either oozing sex appeal and beauty through every breath I posess or I am gray, isolated, and so damn grumpy.  As I write this out I am thinking…hmm, hormone problems, bi-polar… etc. But the clencher is if you knew me you would SEE my rise and falls but you wouldnt feel them or interpret them the way I do.  I am so damn aggravated with how some people just have it like that.. you know?  The ones who are the gods and goddesses of life… the beach bodies, the fleshy perfection that all are to admire.  Where in this world, UN-DAMN-FORTUNATELY "at first glance" is all we get and the first impression is made.   My god, how sad that is. But yes, I am to blame too. So therefore I am caught among the two worlds of Non-judgement, peace, love, to each his own and harmony… or… judgement, resentment or the euphoric of feeling "better than you"… etc.  I know I am not alone in that. I am not sure just how many reside in that crazed roller coaster seat with me, but I know its more than necessary.  Anyway, so that whole cycle of crap, all of it, rides right back onto my shoulders. Cause you damn well know if I am placing judgement on others I am placing even more on myself.   So, do I start with easing on me and then I will be easier on others… or do I loose myself again within that because the discipline I had is lost?  Who knows. What a tangled web we weave. ha ha ha.

So here I sit today. About to begin again, start over, relearn what I already know and revisit where I have already been. This time I just call for strength, access my devotion and press play on power mode. Good luck to me. ;0)  Good luck to those who start again with me and screw you to those who just kept on going. lol. kidding, I admire that in you. ;0)

All my love,

Rae.

So, as I said in a prior blog.. I got really sick and detoxed my body of all the caffeine I had grown so accustomed to consuming.  I was a total caffeine junky due to my (what I thought) was an inability to get things done on an everyday basis.. running my business, my two year old (while my hubby is in Afghanistan) my house, my bills, my yards, annnnd keeping the house in working order. Anyway, I noticed my adreanals burnt out big time as I could drink TWO redlines and get a "buzz’… that’s bad. I also noticed that I feel better afterward when I don’t use supplements at the gym. But now I am lost in terms of how good they may be for me or not. SO, at this point in time, I want to gain my health back and stop using them. I am nervous at how it will pan out but since I have stopped drinking caffeine I have lost nearly 8 pounds.. is that a coincidence?  Jeeze. So there you have it.. Im lost. lol.

okay, so I think I nearly died.  I have never been as sick as I was these past (nearly) 2 weeks.  I had bronchitis, a throat and sinus infection! YEAH! WTF?!  I never get that sick. TOO MUCH STRESS! Well, needless to say I lost 8 pounds.  At first glance, Im like… YAHOOO! But then, I can’t help but be sure that is paritally water and partially muscle gains that I had made. So, love life. ;0)  I don’t know. I am wondering if at this point I should return back to cardio for 4 weeks, cut down and then begin weights again to tone out. Hmm. That has worked in that past and at this point I would really like to take advantage of the shrinking of my stomach and loss of appetite. lol. Not that I won’t eat clean… it’s just that the state of sickness I was in really detoxed me of caffeine, sugar and wheat. So, that is excellent!  I have NO cravings at all and Im thrilled. Anyway, so there you have it.  I am going to rest a few more days.. well, maybe one.  I still have one hell of a cough and my little guy needs to recoup with me too. He caught it pretty bad too. :0(  Okay, that’s it. Just a quickie.

So, here we are back at monday… back at square damn one.  Well, at least that is how I feel. Last week was amazing!  I was 100%  the whole way, diet and exercise.  Then, Friday night my friend and I decide to go to Outback and slowly but surely let me gaurd down.  I heard once that it takes 21 days to change a habit. I believe in that and think that to "treat" yourself to anything before you deserve it is silly and takes lots of "excuses"  but yeah, I did. So, in mind crazy extremist mind it erases everything that I did. ugh. But, here I am today willing to start again and having learned a lesson. I suppose that is the gained value in all of that.  Also, a possilbe unlearned lesson of being "easy" on yourself as opposed to "beating yourself up" hmm.  Anyway… here we begin again. Good luck Mondays. ;0) lol

Okay, so as of now… I have released the idea of BFL.. with the exception of eating 2-4 hours a part and the upperbody exercise options.  I have combined that along with "eat right for your type".  I feel like I am better customizing my plan for my body. I have not weighed since last Friday ((3/21/08)) so I am excited for tomorrow to see.. HOWEVER, in the same breath… I am not sure if I should since my muscle gains may outweigh my fatloss… hmm. Anyway, thus far I feel good. My body is adjusting to low carbs (all of them from greens and eziekiel bread at the moment) but I am feeling more sustained throughout the day…just trying NOT to become neurotic. lol. I am an extremeist of sorts when I get into things.

Anyway, here is to looking ****ING AWESOME!