Inside the Mind of Deserusan

Since today is Valentine’s Day I thought I would take a different direction with my blog entry and focus a bit on sex. If you are alone today I’m sorry but you cannot read any further. This is not to make you feel bad for not having anyone love you on this special day, but rather the fact I didn’t feel it would be appropriate to make a blog entry about masturbation. It is what it is.

Obviously, a big part of Valentine’s Day is getting laid and you don’t think so then please exucse yourself from my blog or pay close attention. Whether you call it “making love” or “bumpin’ uglies” after that lovely dinner I feel everyone is hoping to get “some.” Luckily for me my significant other loves sex (high fives self) so if I don’t wake up with sore genitals on Friday I will consider Valentine’s Day a failure. Again, it is what it is. No, I’m not talking like burning drip type sore and waking up with a sore for those of you with your minds in the gutter. For shame! I just know the routine when a day of sexual escapades is upon me.

Believe it or not, my first introduction to the sexual arts was in the first grade. My good friend Sam’s family owned a video store and among the cinematic masterpieces was a classy title called Tush Push. Sam thought it would be a good idea to bring this to school and tell me to watch it. Now some of you are thinking, Dan you are full of shit, but this story is legit. Anyway, I brought the video home and waited until my father was doing some yard work to pop the video into the old VCR.

Well, without going into much detail let’s just say my eyes were burning after 15 minutes of some of the most hardcore porn you could imagine. I really couldn’t watch too much more because my whole view of “girl” had just changed and even at the ripe young age of six I had some dirty thoughts. That isn’t normal.

You would think the treachery would end there and I was the only child besides Sam in the Newington  Forest Elementary   School first grade class that had been exposed to such debauchery right? Well when I returned to school the next day and handed the tape over to Sam he had a shit eating grin on his face. I really didn’t know what to think with the sight of double penetration still burning in my mind. I also felt weird around the girls in the room too.

To make matter worse, a kid by the name of Jason saw our little exchange and decided to grab the porno out of Sam’s bag and pop it in the classroom VCR while our teacher Ms. Hammond was working with a small group on their reading. All of the sudden you hear “STICK IT IN MY ASS” and see the heads of 25 six year olds turn in unison towards the glowing images on the class television. At the same time you saw Ms. Hammond run over to the TV with a terrified look on her face and pulling the plug on Jason’s charade.

Ms. Hammond’s first grade class did indeed learn a lesson that day, and it certainly fell in line with the popular forum acronym, PIITB. Why I am telling you this story? I really don’t know why. Maybe it’s because losing my virginity was embarrassing and really didn’t last long enough to warrant its story be told. However, my first exposure to sex was actually good old fashioned hardcore porn.

Now some of you are thinking I was probably scarred from this experience, but in all reality I look on it as the first chapter of what I would call my sexual education. I’d say my dade received the brunt of emotional trauma when he had to sit with Sam’s parent, my principal, and Ms. Hammond and view the video so they could discuss what we saw with us but that’s just irrelevant details. For all you parents who think your kids are bad in the traditional sense can you imagine that? I think think not but let’s not stray from today’s lesson.

Your sexual education is an ongoing process but I’d say in my nearly 22 years of sexual awareness Valentine’s Day really is a day to put your sexual education to test in the bedroom. Let it all hang out and **** your loved one like your life depended on it. If you aren’t severely winded from multiple earth-shattering orgasms or not demanding the most of sexual partner then indeed you have a lot to learn.

Yeah, I sound like a chauvinist pig, but in reality, you should be showing your love and appreciation for your partner everyday outside of the bedroom. It shouldn’t take a card or dozen roses to show that you care as that is just going through the motions. Sure it’s “nice” and falls in line with our society’s preconceived notion of what this Hallmark Holiday is all about. However, I think deep down inside many you really just want some exceptional sex today. I know I do and hopefully my girlfriend doesn’t read this and realize I’m a pervert. If she does, then I’ll just blame my boy Sam from the first grade.

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 14th, 2008 at 1:13 am and is filed under Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.