Dumbell Dropping Syndrome and How to Cure It
The gym I belong to is far from being a hardcore dungeon of sweat and steel. As you get off the elevator you are greeted by a beautiful INBF figure pro at the front desk. Over the sound system either top 40’s, arena rock, or some Euro type dance music. Out of the three I prefer the “untz…untz…untz” drone of dance music because working out to Faith Hill or Foreigner just doesn’t get me in the mood to lift. Along with this music is the normal cacophony of noises a gym comprised of whirring cardio machines, the clanking of weights, the occasional grunt, and usually some guy trying to make small talk with some woman who isn’t interested. However, the typical gym harmony is always broken by the dreaded thunderous bang of two dumbbells crashing to the floor by one of the most loathed gym patrons: the dumbbell dropper.
You know exactly who I’m talking about. A dumbbell dropper is a gym member who feels setting the dumbbell on the floor is beneath him. The reason for this is that a fear of being invisible due to a small penis causes an uncontrollable urge to drop the dumbbells after the last rep. The thunderous boom reassures the dumbbell dropper that he is indeed “The man and also everyone else in the gym as well. As he rises from the bench with both his nostrils and imaginary lats flared his confidence rises too. More than likely he suffers from a condition called ILS (imaginary lat syndrome) which we will discuss in another segment. Now he is standing over the dumbbells he just defeated in a battle of bad form and poor range of motion. The voice in his head is saying “yes:they are watching me now. As he scans the gym the looks of bewilderment and disgust are skewed into “they can’t understand my recent display of manliness and “they must be jealous. He takes a pull off his gallon jug of water, adjusts his weight belt, does a quick double pec flex in the mirror, and the lifts the dumbbells once again only to display his virility once again.
Don’t get me wrong, occassionally dropping a dumbbell is not be misconstrued as having Dumbell Dropping Syndrome. It happens just like the time you probably wet yourself during you freshman year in college after bonging one too many beers. You didn’t go out and by Depends the next day because you thought you were incontinent now did you? You live and learn.
The dumbbell dropper can be recognized by the repatative nature of his dumbbell dropping. This will occur set after set typically during flat (supine benching). Also, we will probably follow this up with a few sets of swinging barbell curls which will also be explained in more depth in another segment.
As you can tell this display of bravado is a clear cry for help. So what can us responsible and caring gym members do to help these poor lost souls?
Years of experience in studying in gym psychology has taught me a quick and effective cure to rid this man of his affliction. Basically, all you need are a couple of attractive females and yourself. Position the females about ten feet behind the dumbbell dropper at an angle so they can be easily viewed in the mirror. Position yourself so you can approach the dropper right as he performs the dual flaring symptom we discussed earlier. When the dumbbells are dropped get the man’s attention and say in a loud clear voice “Hey dude:.dropping those dumbbells like that ain’t gonna make up for the fact you are hung a five year oldNow this is where timing is very important. As soon as you end your mini tirade the females need to erupt in laughter. What is also key to success is that they must glance down at the man’s crotch and laugh even louder. Pointing to it would probably be going to far but feel free to employ this tactic only if necessary
As the this man’s clouded view of how people perceive him in the gym quickly evaporates he will be cured of Dumbell Dropping Syndrome. No longer will the harmony of your gym be destroyed by the deafening booms of dumbbells hitting the floor. No longer will your concentration be broken while staring at the cutie on the abducter machine. No longer will your time spent at the juice bar after a grueling workout be interrupted. Peace and order will be restored once again to your gym and your way of lifting. You have just helped rid your gym of one of the worst gym patrons to walk through it’s doors and deserve a pat on the back knowing another dumbell dropper has been cured.
