Personal one, I apologize….
Well, today is the 1 year anniversary of my sister Toni Ann’s death. They "officially" made it the 20th, when they found her, but with the circumstances behind her death, I know in my heart it was today.
So many things have gone on in my mind since her death. Anger, sadness, loneliness, guilt, pain, and confusion. I truly do not know how to deal with the loss of my sister. She was hurting, but the way she left us, it hurts to this day that she couldn’t see HOW much she was loved and how much we worried about her. She felt it was "control" more or less that we wanted to make her into someone she wasn’t. She had all the control in the world and made the wrong choices.
She had good friends and loved ones that HAD to back away from her because we had no other choice. We could NOT continue to see her KILL herself slowly (not only in a physical sense, but mentally and emotionally, she was a trainwreck) Her other "friends" didn’t try to pull her up, they pushed her down so far that she couldn’t SEE the top. They USED her for anything that she had, could have, or wanted in her life. THEY SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF HER. I have resentment toward a chosen few that will remain nameless, but they know who they are and I need not mention their names, THEY ARE NOT WORTH MY BREATH.
I wanted nothing more than to see my sister happy. She supported me through everything that I did. ALWAYS had encouraging words and I overlooked them from time to time. What I wouldn’t give to have her supporting me as I walk up onstage in April. She was one that ALWAYS had a compliment even on my shittiest days and I overlooked them…. I know she loved me and I only wish she could have seen how much I DID love her.
I love and miss you Toni Ann….
Love Always,
Your Seester,
Lips….
December 16, 2007 at 9:38 pm
Deanna, I am SO sorry for your loss. The pain of losing a loved one this way is so deep. I have walked with many through this valley of grief, anger and loss. I encourage you to get good counseling. Can make all the difference. In the mean time…put one foot in front of the other…cherish every day and every loved one you have. Your friend.
HR
December 16, 2007 at 9:41 pm
Hey I’m feeling you right now, tomorrow on the 17th is the anniversary of my Dad’s death. He died 21 years ago and you never will forget it. People say time heals, but thats bullshit. You only grow accustomed to not having them around. Good luck to you and I hope you have a better Holiday than last year.
December 16, 2007 at 9:45 pm
Thank you… I really don’t think that I have dealt with it. I have deep seeded anger toward some "circumstances" that surrounded her death. It was an "accidental overdose causing respiratory arrest"… This time it was not intentional, she just "over did" it (Rx meds)… She lived a very wreckless life and it caught up with her (low income, no education, and bad influences)… Again I thank you for your kind words, I know I’ll end up "on the couch" someday…
December 16, 2007 at 9:45 pm
I am so sorry. Much love, girl
December 16, 2007 at 9:55 pm
Thanks Dear…
December 16, 2007 at 9:57 pm
Oh, and mine is the 17th also, I am on Eastern Time and it’s 1 AM…