cubaricangirl’s BodyBlog

Well as I have written before I am sugar addict…no scratch that…a food addict. I am a compulsive over eater and a bulimic And I am finally getting help. My blogs are gonna be all about my journey through recovery. And if I have helped one person with my story…than sh*t I have done more than enough.

Today is friday, and on Monday my lovely cubicle neighbor replenished the candy basket on her counter. Thank you Neighbor! Now normally, I would have been hitting up that basket everday at least 10 times a day. But you know what…I am powerless over the candy and I can’t just have one. It’s ok, I am ok with this. Instead, I have been entertained by everyone else who stops by and by what they say. Just yesterday a girl came over and said that she was getting some for the others around her on the other side of the building. She took a whole handful. Another person actually used the term "it’s nice to see my dealer is back on the streets". The girl across from me did the look left and right thing as she proceeded to take a few every 30 minutes or so. I have walked by it a few times and I have looked. But you know what. Each one of those little wrapped goodies, does nothing but cause me pain and suffering. Cause I can’t just eat one. And I am ok with that.

During the Month of August, my boyfriend and I were teaching Sunday School to 3-5 year olds. And part of our time with them we would have sharing and snack. Well there was this one little boy named Jason. And Jason would always come in carrying his own little snack. So one day we were having a different snack than usual and he goes, I can have that snack, my mom said its ok. And I said Jason, how come you cant usually have snack. And he goes, well, I am allergic to Peanuts. I get really sick. And I cant have it. Ok, this kid was like 4 years old. I realized that this kid is more intune with his body than I am and I can learn from him. Well that is me, I can’t have candy or sweets cause I get really sick.

So stupid candy basket, you can sit there all you want, but I will not even entertain the thought of eating one of you. Go find someone else to terrorize. Cause I’m done with you.

They say the first step in getting help is admitting you have a problem. Well, that is what I am doing. I have a serious Eating Disorder and I’m getting help. Some of you know me, some of you don’t. Some of you see my picture and think, hey there is a girl who is starting a weight loss journey. Some of you see me and know me a year ago and think Jill, what happend??? But the truth is. This is me…this is me naked. The real me. You see I have suffered with Bulimia/Compulsive Over Eating since I was about 8 years old. I used to eat when no one was watching. Hide food, use laxatives. Always trying to lose those last 10 lbs. My disease would subside for a while and I would lose weight. People would praise me for my dedication and hard work. I had everyone fooled. This is all part of the cycle. The Restrict/Binge Cycle. Right now I am in the binge cycle. I eat thousands and thousands of calories a day, wake up in the morning, go to the bathroom and start all over again. I eat in the car, I eat at work, I eat at home in front of the TV. I lie and say I’m busy so I can eat. I have used my money to pay bills to go and get food.  I have managed to gain 75 lbs in  a little over 9 months. I’m slowly killing myself. Im slowly disappearing.

A week ago I walked into my first OA meeting in over 5 years. Something is different this time. Something is comforting. I feel like I am home. I am surrounded by people that know exactly what I am feeling. What I am going through. What I feel like at those seconds before a binge. People who know what I feel like moments, hours, days after.

I am writing today to share my story, to share my journey, to share my path to recovery. I am making a promise here and now to get help. I know this is going to be a process. How ever long it takes, I will take this road. I know my sanity is waiting for me on this road.

Over the weekend I had the pleasure of babysitting for a friend’s babies. Twin baby girls. They are about 14 months old. I love babies and I am confident in my care giving skills. I have babysat since I was about 12 years old. There is nothing I can’t handle. The mother left me instructions and said, "there is potatoes, green beens and chicken in the fridge, give them dinner around 7pm" No problem I got this. If there is one thing I know I can do, and God put me on this earth to do is be a mother. Well, at least I thought.

A few hours later I pulled out the tupperware containers and for about 2 minutes I stared at them with utter fear. How much do I feed these babies? I didn’t know how much to give them. 1/3 cup, handful, tablespoons, do they get some butter? For the first time in my life I realized I don’t know how to feed a toddler let alone myself. I managed to give them a little bit each and figured that if they wanted more they would let me know. And then it really hit me. This thing that babies have when they let you know they are hungry and when they let you know they are full…Well I don’t have one of those. I think I broke it along time ago. I have to tell you, I am petrified. I do not want to pass this on to my kids.

So today I write because I am a toddler. I am back to learning how to eat. When am I full, when and I hungry. I am going to have to relearn all of this. This is going to be my journey of recovery. Not a prep for a competition, not a race to lose weight. But something more meaningful and more detrimental to my life. This is my journey of surrender.