Patience is a virtue….um ya, I dont think I have this one
Happy Sunday Y’all,
Hope everyone had a fantastic weekend and was able to do something fun for Halloween.
I was lucky enough to spend the holiday with 2 of my best friends and boy did I need it. A blow out that is.
But I don’t know if it’s the residuals of the alcohol or PMS, or maybe it’s the sappy love song mix I’m listening to on my iPod. But once again I sit here alone in my room and I wonder what the hell the next few months will bring. I always thought that my life would have this dramatic change when I started to feel really good about myself. My body has definitely changed and the response I get is amazing. And I feel good for the moment. But I’m still left with a bit of an emptiness. I still cant figure out what it is. All I know is that my drug of choice (food), isn’t making it go away anymore. I’m actually left here to feel it. And it kinda sucks.
Is it the age ‘ol syndrome of "I want what I can’t have and once I get it I don’t want it anymore" Or is it that I want what I know I just can’t have, cause its safe? Cause if I actually did get it, I would screw it up anyways. I know this probably doesn’t make sense to anyone but me. But the one thing about this website is it’s a place where you can vent, and hope that maybe one person might get it too.
The last few months, I have felt like a hamster in a cage just running the same course, over and over. Is it safe here? That is the question. What is so safe about it here? Am I afraid of what is next, or worse, Do I think I don’t deserve what is next or that I am not good enough for it? Well shoot, this sounds like a bunch of crap from the outside. I mean, who doesn’t deserve to be their personal best and achieve happiness?
Well I guess I dont have the answer to these questions right now, so I keep plugging along. I have days, were I am just gung ho and I’m like let’s do this, and other days, it takes everything in my power to get out of bed….I know what you are thinking, it sounds like depression, But what the hell am I depressed about. If I can’t answer that, than how can it be real. But for some reason, I’m teetering in this one spot and I just can’t move. And I’m beyond afraid. I do not want to go back. But I just can’t seem to muster up the strength to move forward.
Bob Greene, Oprah’s Trainer said on one of her show’s and it stuck with me. Just move, put your plan into action, and the motivation and drive will come later. It will eventually kick in. I guess, this is the only choice I have, cause giving up and throwing in the towel, after coming this far, is not really an option. This is just part of the growing process. No one said it would be easy, but shoot, I didn’t think it would hurt. Sometimes even more than the 100 pushups and running hills. Cause today, the way I feel, I would have traded this pain for that in a heartbeat.
Anyhow, thanks for listening. It’s all gonna work out. It has to.
Goodnight Y’all.
Have a great positive week
J.Lo
November 3, 2008 at 6:04 am
You’re certainly not alone. Many people hit this point in their journey. I’ve had it come up a few times, but it gets easier to manage. Just simply asking youself, "Who was I before? Who am I now? Who do I want to become?" puts it all into perspective. Acknowledge and be proud of the work you have done so far. See yourself as a new person now and admit faults, but praise strengths. Then take those faults and weaknesses and decide how you’re going to take them on to move one step closer to the person you want to be without those traits.
You have a lot of good support on here and are never alone. Its always a plus to remember that , too.
November 6, 2008 at 7:05 pm
I’ll pray for you….really
November 10, 2008 at 3:11 pm
I get this all the time and usually I end up back at square one! We have to find happiness within first and that comes whether we are big or small… the good thing is you are acknowledging this feeling now.. take it day by day but remember you earned this you worked hard and most importantly you deserve happiness no matter what!!
November 11, 2008 at 10:01 pm
As the other 2 replys said, we all have this in one way or another. What makes us different is how we handle it. I myself battle the same questions everyday and questions almost everything I do. Keep moving ahead and you will get the ansers you are looking for