cubaricangirl’s BodyBlog

Well as I have written before I am sugar addict…no scratch that…a food addict. I am a compulsive over eater and a bulimic And I am finally getting help. My blogs are gonna be all about my journey through recovery. And if I have helped one person with my story…than sh*t I have done more than enough.

Today is friday, and on Monday my lovely cubicle neighbor replenished the candy basket on her counter. Thank you Neighbor! Now normally, I would have been hitting up that basket everday at least 10 times a day. But you know what…I am powerless over the candy and I can’t just have one. It’s ok, I am ok with this. Instead, I have been entertained by everyone else who stops by and by what they say. Just yesterday a girl came over and said that she was getting some for the others around her on the other side of the building. She took a whole handful. Another person actually used the term "it’s nice to see my dealer is back on the streets". The girl across from me did the look left and right thing as she proceeded to take a few every 30 minutes or so. I have walked by it a few times and I have looked. But you know what. Each one of those little wrapped goodies, does nothing but cause me pain and suffering. Cause I can’t just eat one. And I am ok with that.

During the Month of August, my boyfriend and I were teaching Sunday School to 3-5 year olds. And part of our time with them we would have sharing and snack. Well there was this one little boy named Jason. And Jason would always come in carrying his own little snack. So one day we were having a different snack than usual and he goes, I can have that snack, my mom said its ok. And I said Jason, how come you cant usually have snack. And he goes, well, I am allergic to Peanuts. I get really sick. And I cant have it. Ok, this kid was like 4 years old. I realized that this kid is more intune with his body than I am and I can learn from him. Well that is me, I can’t have candy or sweets cause I get really sick.

So stupid candy basket, you can sit there all you want, but I will not even entertain the thought of eating one of you. Go find someone else to terrorize. Cause I’m done with you.

They say the first step in getting help is admitting you have a problem. Well, that is what I am doing. I have a serious Eating Disorder and I’m getting help. Some of you know me, some of you don’t. Some of you see my picture and think, hey there is a girl who is starting a weight loss journey. Some of you see me and know me a year ago and think Jill, what happend??? But the truth is. This is me…this is me naked. The real me. You see I have suffered with Bulimia/Compulsive Over Eating since I was about 8 years old. I used to eat when no one was watching. Hide food, use laxatives. Always trying to lose those last 10 lbs. My disease would subside for a while and I would lose weight. People would praise me for my dedication and hard work. I had everyone fooled. This is all part of the cycle. The Restrict/Binge Cycle. Right now I am in the binge cycle. I eat thousands and thousands of calories a day, wake up in the morning, go to the bathroom and start all over again. I eat in the car, I eat at work, I eat at home in front of the TV. I lie and say I’m busy so I can eat. I have used my money to pay bills to go and get food.  I have managed to gain 75 lbs in  a little over 9 months. I’m slowly killing myself. Im slowly disappearing.

A week ago I walked into my first OA meeting in over 5 years. Something is different this time. Something is comforting. I feel like I am home. I am surrounded by people that know exactly what I am feeling. What I am going through. What I feel like at those seconds before a binge. People who know what I feel like moments, hours, days after.

I am writing today to share my story, to share my journey, to share my path to recovery. I am making a promise here and now to get help. I know this is going to be a process. How ever long it takes, I will take this road. I know my sanity is waiting for me on this road.

Over the weekend I had the pleasure of babysitting for a friend’s babies. Twin baby girls. They are about 14 months old. I love babies and I am confident in my care giving skills. I have babysat since I was about 12 years old. There is nothing I can’t handle. The mother left me instructions and said, "there is potatoes, green beens and chicken in the fridge, give them dinner around 7pm" No problem I got this. If there is one thing I know I can do, and God put me on this earth to do is be a mother. Well, at least I thought.

A few hours later I pulled out the tupperware containers and for about 2 minutes I stared at them with utter fear. How much do I feed these babies? I didn’t know how much to give them. 1/3 cup, handful, tablespoons, do they get some butter? For the first time in my life I realized I don’t know how to feed a toddler let alone myself. I managed to give them a little bit each and figured that if they wanted more they would let me know. And then it really hit me. This thing that babies have when they let you know they are hungry and when they let you know they are full…Well I don’t have one of those. I think I broke it along time ago. I have to tell you, I am petrified. I do not want to pass this on to my kids.

So today I write because I am a toddler. I am back to learning how to eat. When am I full, when and I hungry. I am going to have to relearn all of this. This is going to be my journey of recovery. Not a prep for a competition, not a race to lose weight. But something more meaningful and more detrimental to my life. This is my journey of surrender.

TGIF….I am not sure by writing this if anyone is going to read it, but I have more I need to get out. Remember that party I went to ? The one with the Hottie and the Chub Chub? Well I was out tonight and I check my iPhone and what could be worse than trying to get ready to go out tonight and not being able to fit in any of my clothes? A picture of me on FACEBOOK from over the weekend. Not only is it a horrible picture, and the worst possible angle. Ok seriously, could I have been anymore just disgusted with myself. Not only that, it’s a picture of me eating at this party. It was like seeing a before picture from a weight watchers commercial. I am beyond just grossed out. Im sorry if this seems harsh and "negative self talk" but again, I am trying to use this blog as a way of getting out my feelings. Too many times do I hold my feelings down and worse stuff them down with food.  My boyfriend is so loving and looks at me with love and affection. He really thinks I am beautiful just the way I am. Um ya, ok, if you had asked me a few hours ago if I believed him, I would have answered you and say, "some of the time". Some of the time I believe that when he looks at me and sees nothing but beauty. But after seeing this picture there is no way I believe him. I think he needs his eyes checked. He has to be disgusted. He has to want to run.

I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I am here today. I have a closet full of clothes and nothing fits. And I tell you, I refuse to go out and buy anything bigger. I will not do it.

Ok enough, I am going to bed and I will get up early tomorrow and start my AM cardio.

thanks for listening.

jlo

Happy Thursday y’all…Summer is here and I am loving it.

It’s been a long time since I have written from the deep, so excuse the stream of conciousness…as I have said in the past, BodyspaceLand is the best place for just getting things off your chest, and there is always someone out there who gets it too.

Today is day #1 of getting back on track. With the help of KL Texas and 31233, I have all the tools I need to get my diet and workouts dialed in for major fat burning. Tclary is my mind/body coach. What more of a team can a girl ask for. I am so ready to get my furnace going again. I woke up this morning and prepared my meals for the day packed a cooler and my gallon of water….dang, I went through a whole lb and a half of lean ground turkey, a package of veggies, 1 cup of brown rice and a whole wheat tortilla. I managed to get a nasty carb cutting headache around 1pm and was dying for some sugar. I had a scoop of protein and a tablespoon of instant coffee and an apple and wouldn’t you know the headache went away. I also made sure to keep drinking my water with a little extend in it.

For dinner I watched my boyfriend microwave a pizza as I sauteed some more chicken and mushrooms. He has been the biggest obstacle for me and my progress…I cannot blame him. It’s not like he stood there with a slice of pizza or a bag of doritos and said if you dont eat it we are done…No, I actually have used him as an excuse, a get of jail (or cardio/eating clean in this case) free card. We have gone through football season and basketball season. Eating lbs of carne asada, scoops of ice cream packages of cookies, gallons of milk, bags of doritos…ok you get the picture. The problem is, I CAN’T eat that stuff. And the truth of the matter is neither can he. And no, I know what you are thinking, does he have a weight problem? No on the contrary, he has a great body and metabolism and doesn’t worry about what he eats.  But I have to. I have to eat what is on my meal plan and can have a cheat meal once and a while. Not everyday. I must pick me over the cakes and the burgers…They will be there. I am not going to miss out if I don’t eat them. I can so do this. I don’t have to eat what he eats. I just have to stay present and focused on what I came here to do. The motivation and drive is slowly creeping back to the forefront of my mind. I can do this, its in me, I can do it.

I tried on bathing suits tonight…um ya, I think I’m gonna wear a one piece this weekend. Its funny, the negative thoughts of "I’m fat, I’m hideous" are being replaced with thoughts of "hmm, ok, we have fallen back a few steps, it’s ok, but we have lots of work to do" or "well, this just means we have more cardio to do to use up this stored energy" and my favorite…"ok Jill, the bulking phase of this journey is over, time to start cutting"

I ran into another couple over the weekend and they were a lot like us. He was a very good looking guy and she was overweight. A classic case of The Hottie and the Chub Chub as I like to call it. They seemed very happy and he caressed her arm and showed her a lot of affection. He finds her beautiful. My boyfriend is also very affectionate and loving. I made a decision that day. For me it’s not ok to be the Hottie and the Chub Chub. I am not happy with that. "My therapist has always said, Jill if you can be happy being overweight, I’d be the first to tell you, NEVER diet again, but you aren’t, so do something about it and get happy"

So wrap this up, I finally have what I want. The man I have been praying for. So what is the deal Jill….enough with this protective suit of armor. Its time to live and shed this skin that is not us. It’s time to finish what we have started and grow and learn and help others along the way.

I will get to my goal, I will compete and I will become a trainer and help others with the same trials and tribulations that I go through. The battle never ends its how you deal that makes all the difference.

Peace out!
Jill

Hi Y’all. Its been quite a while since I have written. And to ease back into things I am going to drop a recipe right herrrrr!

My new favorite thing is my Ice Blended Coffee Protein Shake thingy…Once you have this you won’t need to go to those fancy smanshy coffee shops for your coffee fix…Times are tough…and this is a way healthier alternative and it’s cheap.

 Ok, so I use instant coffe, some water, a scoop of vanilla protein powder (syntha 6 is my current fav) some ice and blend that baby up…SOOO good and you dont even need to add sweetner, but if you want, I do have those sugar free Torani Syrups you can add a teaspoon of that. Let me tell you, with the coffee and the protein…this is a great pre - workout snack.

 Lastly, I found an amazing little blender that is actually a mug with a to-go cup that screws right on top…I found it at QVC and its totally cute and small and I might have to retire my big blender.

http://www.qvc.com/qic/qvcapp.aspx/view.2/app.detail/params.CM_SCID.coll.item.K21116.desc.Chris-Freytag-Personal-Fitness-Blender

 Hope everyone is having a great week.

 And remember, if I can do it anyone can.

 hugs,

Jill

Happy Monday Y’all…

Ok, so I just have to give some more props to my trainer. The one man in my life who will not give up on me or let me give up on me. I have been struggling these last few weeks with my workouts and this man just won’t let me fall into my old ways. He will not let me fail. And he is always there to push me. He always goes above and beyond to make me feel like I can be the best Jill I can be. Today he made me stay and do cardio. And what did he do, he took my keys away so I couldn’t leave. And Im glad he did cause I feel 1000 times better, stronger and more focused.

These are the things I will cherish and carry forward when I have clients of my own. These are the things that will make me a success. Life, will throw curves at us, its how we deal that makes the difference.

Hope everyone has a great week. And keeps their eye on the prize.
And remember if I can do it anyone can!

JLo

Happy Sunday Y’all,
Hope everyone had a fantastic weekend and was able to do something fun for Halloween.

I was lucky enough to spend the holiday with 2 of my best friends and boy did I need it. A blow out that is.

But I don’t know if it’s the residuals of the alcohol or PMS, or maybe it’s the sappy love song mix I’m listening to on my iPod. But once again I sit here alone in my room and I wonder what the hell the next few months will bring. I always thought that my life would have this dramatic change when I started to feel really good about myself. My body has definitely changed and the response I get is amazing. And I feel good for the moment. But I’m still left with a bit of an emptiness. I still cant figure out what it is. All I know is that my drug of choice (food), isn’t making it go away anymore. I’m actually left here to feel it. And it kinda sucks.

Is it the age ‘ol syndrome of "I want what I can’t have and once I get it I don’t want it anymore" Or is it that I want what I know I just can’t have, cause its safe? Cause if I actually did get it, I would screw it up anyways. I know this probably doesn’t make sense to anyone but me. But the one thing about this website is it’s a place where you can vent, and hope that maybe one person might get it too.

The last few months, I have felt like a hamster in a cage just running the same course, over and over. Is it safe here? That is the question. What is so safe about it here? Am I afraid of what is next, or worse, Do I think I don’t deserve what is next or that I am not good enough for it? Well shoot, this sounds like a bunch of crap from the outside. I mean, who doesn’t deserve to be their personal best and achieve happiness?

Well I guess I dont have the answer to these questions right now, so I keep plugging along. I have days, were I am just gung ho and I’m like let’s do this, and other days, it takes everything in my power to get out of bed….I know what you are thinking, it sounds like depression, But what the hell am I depressed about. If I can’t answer that, than how can it be real. But for some reason, I’m teetering in this one spot and I just can’t move. And I’m beyond afraid. I do not want to go back. But I just can’t seem to muster up the strength to move forward.

Bob Greene, Oprah’s Trainer said on one of her show’s and it stuck with me. Just move, put your plan into action, and the motivation and drive will come later. It will eventually kick in. I guess, this is the only choice I have, cause giving up and throwing in the towel, after coming this far, is not really an option. This is just part of the growing process. No one said it would be easy, but shoot, I didn’t think it would hurt. Sometimes even more than the 100 pushups and running hills. Cause today, the way I feel, I would have traded this pain for that in a heartbeat.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. It’s all gonna work out. It has to.

Goodnight Y’all.

Have a great positive week

J.Lo

So I know he wont read this…but I just have to give props where props are due. I have the best trainer in the world. And you know why, cause he wont give up on me. And even better, he wont let me give up on ME. So to my trainer…you have changed my life more than you will ever know. And for that I am greatful. and most importantly, im blessed.

 Ok…no more mushy…lets kick some a$$.

 TIGIF Y’all. Hope everyone is having an awesome week and is on track to thier personal best!

 If I can do it anyone can,

 J.Lo.

This week has to have been one of the worst by far. I will not bore anyone with details, and I’m sure in comparison to others, my week has been a cake walk. But for me, this has been a bad week. Now that I got that out of the way, here is my thinking. A good friend of mine told me a story about being scared and feeling the fear for 5 seconds, once those 5 seconds are up I face the fear and move on. Well here goes, I have had my 5 seconds, and its time to continue my focus and move. Enough of letting the fear paralyze me. Enough of sitting in the stillness with blank thoughts, like a deer caught in headlights. Its time to take action and take risks. If I have to renew this promise to myself everyday, 10 times a day so be it. My goal, my hard work and my reward for my hard work, are on the horizon, and I will not lose sight of it. If it means, I have to shut myself off to the world, and plunge myself into a selfish state so be it. If there is one thing that has swirled around in my head for the last 9 months, its Selfish is not a bad word. As long as no one gets hurt, being selfish is a good thing. It means you can be self sufficient, independent and self reliant. This is something I have to work on everyday. I have to come to terms that I am not defined by my job, my relationships or my surroundings. I am me and I’m all I got. At the end of the day its just Jill. As much as it hurts, the feelings that I feel, the emotions that I have. They are mine and mine alone. I have to feel them, deal with them, work with them and most importantly, use them to propel me to be the best Jill I can be.

Happy Tuesday Y’all

Today is the last day of September, which means tomorrow is October 1st, which means, it is the first day of the 10th month of the year. Which means its the first day of the 10th month of my journey, of my transformation, of my renaissance.

At first I sat here and thought…wow, being sick and off track, and getting hit with life sh**, I just wasted the last 2 months. Where did August and September go? Jeez girl, could you have been any more of a slacker? I have been here a thousand times before, I get this far, and something clicks. I either get too much attention and I’m totally visable and it scares me, and I run the opposite direction. Or I use the excuse of well, life sucks right now, Im not gonna take care of myself and use food to numb my feelings of discomfort and disconnect. Basically try and bury my head in the sand. Well in the past this has not really worked for me. It just undoes all the hard work. And starts a vicious cycle of self destruction.

I started to kick myself for not being closer to my goal by today. But you know what. I have come a long way. 10 months ago, I could barely tie my shoes without losing my breath. 10 months ago, I wouldn’t have dared to get dressed up and show off my body. 10 months ago I was just not the Jill I am today. And it is OK that I am not at goal yet.

The last 2 months have been a struggle. Im not going to lie. I have given in to a few nights of binging. But I have managed to maintain my weight, and still workout. Im allowed to have bad days. Im allowed to have a moment to take it all in and regroup. To me this is bigger than the 57 lbs I have lost. This is what its all about. Anyone can go on a diet and lose weight and lift weights and get cut. But changing the behavior that got me overweight in the first place. This is where the real work begins. And you know what, I have come along way, and hell, I am proud of myself.

As I always say this is a journey not a race and I am in it for the long haul. Anything worth having is worth fighting for and I am not done fighting.

So with that I say…21 day cut…BRANG IT…I can do anything for 21 days. Keep an eye on me. I will not disappoint.

J.Lo.