crimsonchica’s BodyBlog

This feels like a continuance to my "sabotage" blog.  I was supposed to have met my goal on 2/18/08. I was so close, but I felt like I failed because I was 3pounds heavier than my goal weight & my waist was not at my goal either. So what did I do? What I always do give up & BINGE! For the last 3 weeks since then I have not been going to the gym, have been eating WHATEVER I want, as much as I want, and I dont feel good. I have been using food as a distresser, friend, lover, companion, comforter, you name it, food has the answer. But it doesnt! I have been under alot of stress lately, changing careers, moving, watching my ex move on with his life & new baby while Im still single (by choice, but still, my ego hurts), it seems like my world is inside out & so Ive been using food to deal with all of it. I know this is self destructive, I seem to have relapsed & reverted to my old habits (which have been self destructive, compulsive, addictive & full of shame). Addictions run in my family (although Ive never done any "drugs", my drugs of choice have been (bad) men & (bad or too much) food. Now Ive gotten rid of the bad men but how do I get rid of the compulsion of using food for comfort?! Just like a drug, it gives me the sense of comfort but it does not make me feel good & then I feel bad for overeating/eating crap & I eat more to numb those feelings by eating more & the cycle continues! So here I am today, watching all you disciplined beautiful people transform before my very eyes & here I am sabotaging me & my self worth. The more I eat, the further my dreams fade into oblivion. It makes me sad because I know I can do it, I have made progress, but when I dont get perfection I feel like I failed, I give up, procrastinate on my goals, then relapse to old habits.  HELP, I feel defeated, yet Im the only one standing in my own way.

Ok, I’m nervous abouting writing this blog. I feel like I’m whining & I don’t like it. Ever since I got sick I can’t seem to get it together w/eating clean. The closer I get to my goal, the reality of me failing to meet my goal sets in & then I further sabotage my success & completion of my goals by not eating right. I figure, well, I’m not going to make it, might as well have the ice cream (or cookie, or chip).  Then I say, ok, today I’m going to be 100% clean, then I have the stupid chocolate! I’m disappointed with myself (again). But am I disappointed enough to get myself back up & keep running to the finish even though I feel I’m coming in last?! And it’s all my fault for not being 100% committed! Words of wisdom & a slap, please….

I am so dissappointed with myself right now. I have been working so hard since I set my goal, staying focused but when I got a cold last Wednesday, I let that become an excuse for not working out & then I let my guard down & I pigged out the rest of the weekend, up until last night. I topped it off with lots of pizza & ice cream. I feel ashamed of myself! I was a total glutton. 4 pounds later, I regret it. I gained 4 pounds! Ugh! I my waist went back up a couple inches. Like an alcoholic cant have the first drink, I cant have the first bite of whatever it is because I binge! I hate that. Borderline eating disorder I think. I hope I’m not the only one out there with this issue. Well, its time to man up & get back on the wagon & kick my a** at the gym today & EAT CLEAN. I feel like crap. Help. Im sad.

I’m not going down without a fight! I am so proud of myself for being dedicated & focused with my workout & eating but now I’m coming down with a cold/flu I’ve been fighting for the last 2 days! Any suggestions? Is it better to rest or sweat it out? I’ve been sweating it out but I’m feeling very tired today. Help! I’m no punk, I’ll fight it til I drop if I have to, but I don’t want to make it worse either. Thanks…

I posted my pics on here over a month ago, in dread of the brutal truth of the shape I was in, horribly embarrassed, with my self esteem on the floor & crawling on my knees, but profoundly amazed & in awe of all of the beautifully sculpted bodies on here, I knew I could do it too. I have now personally experienced the power of the body & mind when we set out to accomplish something worthwhile, it truly pays off. I admired the transformations on here, and now, I am so proud of the changes I see in me, in just one short month. Proof that committment & hard work pays off, one day at a time.  For all of you out there who are too embarrassed/ashamed to post your pics up, DO IT ANYWAY, it will make you accountable to YOU and you can no longer hide from reality.  It worked for me.  Thank you all who have supported and encouraged me along the way. I have alot of work to do still & was inspired by the quote from a famous Cuban poet & revolutionary, Jose Marti "Es Mejor Morir de Pie que Vivir Arrodillado" translation: "It is better to die on my feet than live on my knees."  I encourage all of you who were like me, living on my knees, to step up onto your feet, stand tall & fight fat to the death & live a life that is worthy of you.

Not ALL men are like ice cream! But there are some that are.  Good but bad, as with women too.  This was supposed to be funny fellas, I didn’t mean to step on the toes of the good men out there and make you cry-tissue please-man up! Only speaking from my experience, and yes, I have chosen very poorly - in the past.  I’ve learned people will treat you how you allow them to and that ice cream is still bad for you.  Ok, enough psycho babble.  Now, I’m off to kick my booty on the new spin class (burned 700 cals last night) so a booty worthy man can have it and those that don’t, well, can kiss it.

I’ve had a realization-MEN ARE LIKE ICE CREAM! They are so good for a moment but afterwards they make you feel like crap.  Well actually, no one MAKES us feel anything, as I’ve learned.  But why do we women sometimes accept the trash that some men give us?  Or put ourselves in relationships that are no good and we know it?  Because we don’t feel worthy to have better? Because we are afraid to be alone?  Or could it be that as bad as an unhealthy relationship may be, it’s comfort and that is better than alone and uncomfortable.  Just like ice cream, it’s bad-but it’s comfort!  Whatever the reason, the excuse, or the desperate feeling may be, IT IS NOT WORTH IT.  Just like ice cream, tastes so good in the moment, is so addicting, is so pleasurable - then it’s over and the guilt, shame and self image is down the drain.  A wise women once said to me, self esteem is a result of doing what you know to be the right thing and following that course.  When you go against what you know is right and best for you, you lower your self esteem, your self worth.  And she’s right!  And we voluntarily do this to ourselves?!  This is such crap, ladies.  We need to learn a thing or two about these dirty dogs and ice cream, MAN UP & GET OVER IT, because you better believe they do, in a heartbeat.  That piece of you he just had (or just like that piece of ice cream you just put in your mouth), was great, while it lasted, then-time to move on, NEXT, next flavor please.  Ice cream and men have no sympathy for us, for our feelings, nor how we are going to feel -and look- in the end.  So, I say it’s time for us to get our game face on,  put it down and walk away (the man or the ice cream), it is not worth the minute (or seconds for that matter) of pain and lowered self worth.  We deserve better.  Now, on to squat rock our luscious booty’s girls - of which neither ice cream nor an unworthy man - will get to have a piece of ever again.

Ok, so I had a bad night. I’m hurt about my ex & his new baby’s mama! (Sounds like something right out of the movie Babyboy-so ghetto!) But, I’m better than that and so instead of hurting them both I went and danced the night away and had a glass of wine to go with it! I’m disappointed in myself for going off my "Eating Clean" plan and plus I’m drinking a latte now because I stayed up too late. So, two cheats. But I guess it’s better than jail time for assault, hahaha.  Well, getting back on the wagon, Eating Clean for lunch and the rest of the day. Much love to you all & for my girls out there with Dirty Dog Exe’s, squat your a** off at the gym & make him kiss your hot, tight, sweaty booty!!!! That’s my plan & I’m sticking to it.

Ok, I just summed up the courage to post my brutally honest pics! No more hiding behind cute clothes & staying stagnant & in denial! I looked hot in that motorcycle & hot shorts right? Little did you know what was under the hot little outfit! Well, I’m taking my own advice, man up & get real girl! No more drowning tears & stress in ice cream or crap food!  Eat Clean time.  I will post a picture of my face (& stop hiding in shame), once I get over the embarassement of the pictures up now.  Thank you all who support & inspire me with your examples & words of encouragement!  Much love to you all, especially the hot mommies!  Let’s just do this!  I’m going to be the hottest mommy on here (baby marks & all)! Move out of my way!  hahaha  

HELP!  Would anyone please recommend the best BB book that can help me personalize my BB/workout routine?  Thank you all!