Most gym rats hate this time of the year. The beginning of the year when all of the new years resolutionist come in trying to get themselves into shape. We know they won’t last. They will be gone in a few weeks like birds flying to Florida for the winter. But a few will last..and this blog is for them. Because I remember when I was a new year resolutionist. I was 20 years old, sitting in a dug out with one of the most physically gifted men I have ever seen. This dude at 20 had about a 28 inch waist with 21 inch guns. A sweep in his quads like watermelons, and hated the gym. He and I sat down and engaged in a conversation that changed my life. He recounted the events that took place that prior weekend. How he, and the girl I had been gaming for a month got busy in the dorm room. I was sick, but of course I didn’t let on. I just sat there as he laid it out. At the end, I had to ask him, (because I had been trying for a month to land that little piece), in the end, what did it? He said he didn’t do a thang. He said she approached him. And thats when I knew the secret, I needed to increase my physical appeal, and that meant I needed muscles. I knew about training from playing sports in high school, but I just B.S. my way back then. I needed real knowledge now, and I had no clue. I remember those first couple of months in the gym. I didn’t know gym rules, I was jumping in on peoples machines, interupting sets, and working out in plain clothes like jeans and dockers. Luckily someone took me under their wing and taught me the difference between a lateral and a press.
So when you see a newbe looking lost like they don’t know what the hell they are doing, give them a hand, because they are to intimidated to ask for help.
I worked chest tonight in my slippers, just didn’t feel like wearing shoes. So this ******* I speak to from time to time comes up and says, "I didn’t know you could wear flip flops in a gym". I reply as I rep 405 for 3, "Maybe you should try it, may up your weak ass bench!!!". It felt so good to wipe the smirk from his face.
Gym Rule number 1
Stop looking at what I’m doing and wearing and mind your own damn business. It’s my membership and I will do what I want, and I invite you to do the same.
After 10 years of training , I have finally found the perfect workout partner. He is stronger than I am, can push more weight for more reps, and punctual. I have not squatted in over 10 years, and already I’m squatting 405 for 8 rock bottom. I even front squatted 315 to the ground for 6. I feel like we own that gym when we are there. If you can find one, I strongly suggest you get a workout partner. Women are always complaining about finding a good man, try finding a good workout partner.
The twelfth of May was one helluva day.
When the news got around to all the seaport towns,
That the great Titanic was going down.
Up stepped a man from the deck below that they called ‘CJACKS9?.
Hollerin, “Captain! Captain! Don’t you know?
There’s forty feet of water on the boiler room floor’.
The captain said, “dont come up here, you gotta go back!
We got a thousand pumps to keep this water back.”
CJACKS9 went back below and began to think.
Said, “Mm, this big, bad m&^*&F&*^*r is bound to sink.”
Jacks said, “There’s fish in the ocean and crabs in the sea.
But it’s one time the captain ain’t gonna bullshit me.”
Jacks went on the deck, jumped overboard, waved his a$$ and began to swim.
With a thousand millionaires lookin at him.
The Captain’s wife stepped on the deck,
Said, “Jacks! Jacks! please save little old me!
I’ll give you all the good sex you can see.”
Jacks said, “Your sex is good and that is true,
But there’s some women on BB.com that will make an ass outta you.
Now there’s a$$ on land and a$$ on sea
I got twenty five Honeys in Texas just waitin for me.”
The captain’s daughter stepped on the deck,
And Said, “Jacks! Jacks! Please save poor me!”
“I’ll name this little kid after thee.”
Jacks said, I know Your knocked up and gonna have a kid,
But your a$$ gotta hit this water just like ole Jacks did.”
Here comes the captain,
“Jacks! Jacks! Please save me!
I’ll make you richer than any Man can be.”
Jacks said, “Captain, to save you would be very fine,
But I gotta first save this a$$ of mine!”
Jacks said, “Shark, look out!”
“I know some of this a$$ you’d like to taste.
But from here to Texas is gonna be one helluva race!”
When the news got around the world that the great Titanic had sunk,
Jacks was in Ricks Strip Club off Freeway 45, damn near drunk.
He spent all of his money, and had sex with those 25 women.
His got sore and Went to the doctor.
Doctor said, “Jacks, I’m gonna have to cut it off.”
Jacks said, “Doctor,” ”You better cut it off down to the bone,
Cause if you leave any meat I’m gonna keep right on!
If I should die, have my balls soaked in alcohol, and lay my rod on my chest
And tell all these fine women that CJacks9 has gone to rest.
Jacks died and went to hell.
The devil said, “All you women, you better climb the wall,
Cause Jacks is coming down here to screw us all!”
I had to teach my daughter a valuable life lesson last night. She was playing with her skateboard with her two friends and seemed to be having a good time. Her friends were on her skateboard and it seemed that everything was fine. When I called her in to eat, she was obviously upset. She said that her friends monopolized her skateboard the entire time she was outside. I felt so bad for her, she is 8 and a very sweet little girl. I wantd to just hold her, but I didn’t. I couldnt. What I did do was tell her that when you let people get away with treating you any kind of way and you don’t stand up for yourself, they keep on doing it. I sent her right back outside into that same group of girls, and told her that if she let anybody on that thing, she was going to have me to deal with. When she got back home, I could see the new confidence in her. She said they asked to ride, and she said "No!!!, get your own". I think I did good.
I went to the Home Depot today, while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘you’re
definitely going to s**t yourself’ roadkill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit
hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee
from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL
fall off.
Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
‘Watson’s Movement 2′. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my dear wife as ‘thunder and lightning’.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when,
I bravely set off for the Store, my quest being paint and supplies to
refinish the den.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
pain hit me.
Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m
referring to that ‘Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go’ pain that always seems to
hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an red
aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you
ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I
mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could’ve warned that poor clerk, but didn’t. I simply watched as he
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though
trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible,
but then made me laugh.. …….BIG mistake!!!!!
Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped
down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. ‘It’ was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took
place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my
ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in
the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’ . He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘Sonofabitch!, did it smell that
bad when you ate it?’, then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
which ought to take care of the problem.’
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S
YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not
to return.
I just started using these amazing new supplements that have shot up my weight poundage and the reps, and at the same time lowered my bodyfat. To help increase the weight reps I use this pre-workout supp called PLANNING. What you do is make sure you follow a good nutrition plan, and eat the proper foods you’ll need to fuel your workouts. It’s has a lot of REST mixed in to make sure you can give it your all. It is safe to use this supp everyday so no need to cycle. To increase my weight poundage, I used this incredible muscle growth stimulator called BALLS. Yes, you heard correct, BALLS. What you do is check to see if you have a pair, if you do, then grab em. Grab em high and hard and throw some weight on. I’m talking about some of that OH SHIT weight that makes you feel a little intimidated. For my post workout supp, that has helped me shed a few inches off my waist, I throw in some COMMON ASS SENSE. I make sure not to piss away my training session by doing something stupid like eating a whopper and drinking a couple of beers.
One evening my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ‘I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.’
I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear…
‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn’t decide which one
to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, ‘Lets get a pair for each
outfit.’
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even
know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ‘That’s fine, honey.’ She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, ‘I think this is
all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.’
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t
feel like it.’
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
‘WHAT?’
I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?’
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