Diary of a Mad Fat Woman

But no, I have not yet found a gym. Unless you count where I work - Im constantly running around the warehouses and up and down stairs. And my new house has stairs. My hubby and I have decided we’re going to end up with super calves. But, during the move I put 6 pounds on. So Im back on my diet today!!

Im moving. Literally. Im sitting in a hotel room in Summerville, SC right now while my husband is back home packing up the house we’ve been in for 8 years and taking care of our 3 kids. Im exhausted and stressed and scared to death, but making it. I really like the area and hope this is good for us. I have no idea what I weigh because the scale is packed up and I haven’t transferred my gym membership yet. I dont even have an address down here yet. Somebody help - I have NO IDEA what the hell Im doing.

Ok, so Im moving now. Ive been offered another job 2 hours SE of here so I have to move. My trainer is gonna try to find the Gold’s close and another trainer near there, but in the meantime I *really* want to workout some with someone on here that I haven’t been able to catch up with yet (girl, you know who you are, IM TRYING).

I weighed in today on my home scale at 350.4 - its steadily going down

Ok, I know, it’s juvenile, but really nothing motivates me more than people telling me that they can notice a difference. Three people yesterday made it a point to tell me they could see "great changes", "definite difference" and "drastic change" - so of course my motivation meter is riding high today.

 This morning Im 353 lbs and 53" on the waist - another inch gone

I’m still grieving MaryAnn, but Im slowly getting back to my life, and of course organizing the benefit festival (flipflopfest.com) for her son’s college fund. I’ve taken to walking a local trail here rather than driving all the way to Columbia on my days home and then going to the gym every day I work rather than every other day. Im so broke lately though that the gas money is killing me. But that’s also good - Im definitely not able to eat fast food I’m down another 1.6 lbs to 355. Not bad t’all I think. And I really really appreciate all the encouragement from folks here who post to me. Thank you. Its amazing, I dont even know you guys, but you’re some of my best motivation. I never want to say I quit!

At my size, it takes a good bit of a loss before you start actually losing pants sizes. I was happy when I could put on my jeans at all, then without having to lie down to button and zip them, then without any problems, and now, the same jeans, I can pull down without unbuttoning them. They are really baggy around my hips and butt. I know, oh so not flattering, but dang that’s cool to me.

I wore a pair of black dress slacks the other day that I actually had to remove from my wardrobe alltogether. They’re simply too big. I had gotten some shirts from a friend as hand me downs that I couldn’t wear before because my bust was too big, now I can wear them and the shoulders sortof hang over a little bit because the shirt is almost too big. My belly doesnt rub the steering wheel. Nobody has to help me stand up when I’m lying in bed or getting up from the couch. I went to the lake today with friends and I could walk down to the bottom of the boat landing, sit on the edge of the pier and play with my baby, and get back up and walk around by myself holding my baby, and then walk all the way back up the hill to my car. Seriously, this is a major difference from last summer. I’ve still got such a long way to go, but Im so thrilled with the differences I already can see.

Yesterday I pulled out the tape measure of doom. I know, but when I took my first measurements, the two ends of a 60" tape measure barely met around my waist. I was more than pleasantly surprised to find out yesterday that not only do they meet - they overlap. My waist is down to 54"!! Ok, for most of you, I know, that’s still huge. And I know that. But Im still so happy about a 6" weight loss. That makes me happier than the 54 pounds of fat my trainers scale tells me I’ve lost. (I’ve lost 40 some odd overall, but per the machine, I’ve put on a few pounds of muscle, which is ok I guess). This morning I weighed in on my own new scale and that’s down a little as well. 356.2 Not bad considering not long ago all digital scales outside of my doctors office or trainers read ‘ERR’ - so Im really on a high today. Its so much easier to eat better when you’re seeing results!

Ok, not quite. But it works. Since yesterday I’ve been impossibly busy. Crazy busy. A friend of ours is in a great band out of Atlanta and offered to come do a benefit concert for MaryAnn’s son. I am in charge of organizing and through the miracles of myspace, in one flipping day, this has turned into an actual festival of music, poker runs, and a citywide party. So, rather than being swallowed by depression, I’ve been given a huge project that’s really helping.

 I still haven’t gone to workout, but now Im regretting that I didnt pack my workout clothes. I want to go today and I live too far away to go get any. Im too broke to go buy any. So Ill workout when I get home. I can feel my body stiffening up, so I know I need to. I’ve been doing protein shakes today and had a sandwich for lunch. Im trying to get my calories in that 2200-2500 range because obviously 1600 is too freakishly low. I weighed in this morning at 358, so I didnt keep the weight I put on over the weekend binge. That was good.

So, things arent quite as dark as they seemed at first and I thank MaryAnn’s spirit for rescuing me.

This morning I was describing to someone the affects of my PMS on my need to crush someone on the interstate and they said something about ‘roid rage (yeah, like I’ve been working out THAT much) and I laughed and said PMS is far worse than roid rage. But, I guess they could be the same. After all they’re both hormonal imbalances that freak you out. So who knows.

I cheated again at the party last night. Unless strawberries, pineapple, and chocolate chip cookies dipped in chocolate fondue can in any way shape or form be considered diet cuisine. Pretty sure they’re not. But I did just have a few and skipped the alcohol and stuck to diet coke, so I’m mentally ok with it and I’m sticking to decent eating today and I’m just chalking the need for chocolate up to PMS.

I *forgot* to eat breakfast (I forgot my cup at home that I needed to make my protein shake) but I had some of the South Beach nut bars in my desk drawer so I had one of those with some green tea. It takes a special kinda stupid to forget to eat, but yet that’s always been a problem for me. Until, you know, the sun goes down and the werewolf that needs to binge comes to life I think Im going to go with the recommendation that I set an alarm, maybe on my cell phone, until I get into the habit of eating every few hours. And for today my sweet tooth is being satisfied with these South Beach bars or green tea (hot) with splenda! And, since I know I need it for this weird cycle (and, oh yeah, weight loss) tons of water. Im not sure why, but I had forgotten that our office provides a little coffee bar with the green tea bags up there. Which is cool Just need to stay away from the flavored creamers I love so much

So today was one of those ‘we’ll call it a wash’ days. You know. You do good, then cheat, then do good, then… well, when I woke up, I realized I’d left my protein mix here at work, so I had coffee. Got to work and had a protein shake. I love these things, sorry guys. Then got busy working and skipped my darned snack. I just am not in that schedule yet where I know to eat one. So then some friends invited me to lunch to what could be the most anti-weight loss restaurant in Columbia, SC. Vegetable Medley. Ladies and gentleman it is nowhere near as healthy as that sounds. But OMG it is good.

Southern food. Homestyle southern food. And I cheated. I had things I haven’t allowed myself in MONTHS. Sweet tea. You know, 90% sugar in brown water. God it was good. A piece of fried chicken breast, fried squash, white rice fried with okra, stewed tomatos, pinto beans with what looked like ham hock in there. And toasted coconut pie for dessert. It was heaven. Pure and simple.

 Twenty minutes later I was stuck in the bathroom with cramps, but it was worth it. I wont do it again any time soon, but it was so worth it. Im not sure where the heck the cramps came from - maybe the sugar that Im oh so not used to, but eh. So Im being good for the rest of the day and sipping my protein shake. I’m going to a party tonight after work and will probably be very tempted to cheat again but Im gonna do my best to tough it out Social situations are so hard!!

Last night I went to see Tina (my trainer) and weighed in. My weight was actually up a lil bit to 361 (2 pounds) but according to her machine, my body fat was down to 50.2% (from 52%) and my body fat had gone from 186 pounds to 182 pounds and I had 5 pounds of water. So, in short, I’d lost 4 pounds of fat and drank a lot of water that day. Which I had, it’s hotter than 40 blazes of hell here and I’d been warming up before I saw her and of course drinking water. I *like* water.

So, all in all, I guess its a good result. Im taking it as such anyway.

On the workout part - I was able to do some of them more easily now than a couple of weeks ago. It wasn’t easy easy, but I wasn’t screaming and crying at the end of the rows and presses. She said next week she would increase the weight because obviously my endurance and strength were increasing. DAMN. I should have screamed and cried. On the squats though, Im still sucking that terrible dry wind and sweating and turning to buzzing jello - what IS it about working my legs that nearly kills me?? You’d think as big as they are and as much weight as they have to life ANYWAY that this would be a breeze. Uh, no. I look like a road construction worker on the hottest July day when I’m done. Pouring, bright red, breathing like a freight train on it’s last leg. Oh, thats when she says my heart is working out. Its not my heart I feel (ok, I do, its pounding) but my LUNGS - I can literally feel them stretching and expanding over and over until they ache almost as much as my legs. Sweet Lord what have I gotten myself into??

For breakfast I had Raisen Bran Crunch and Bright and Early (I’m allergic to orange juice and this is my replacement). It was my reward for losing 4 pounds of fat. Now back to the protein shakes and tons more water till the salad I look forward to at home tonight. I have a PTO meeting so no gym, but I’ve got free weight exercises and maybe a video to do cardio with. I’ll have to get my kids in on the act