Diary of a Mad Fat Woman

Yesterday I pulled out the tape measure of doom. I know, but when I took my first measurements, the two ends of a 60" tape measure barely met around my waist. I was more than pleasantly surprised to find out yesterday that not only do they meet - they overlap. My waist is down to 54"!! Ok, for most of you, I know, that’s still huge. And I know that. But Im still so happy about a 6" weight loss. That makes me happier than the 54 pounds of fat my trainers scale tells me I’ve lost. (I’ve lost 40 some odd overall, but per the machine, I’ve put on a few pounds of muscle, which is ok I guess). This morning I weighed in on my own new scale and that’s down a little as well. 356.2 Not bad considering not long ago all digital scales outside of my doctors office or trainers read ‘ERR’ - so Im really on a high today. Its so much easier to eat better when you’re seeing results!

Ok, not quite. But it works. Since yesterday I’ve been impossibly busy. Crazy busy. A friend of ours is in a great band out of Atlanta and offered to come do a benefit concert for MaryAnn’s son. I am in charge of organizing and through the miracles of myspace, in one flipping day, this has turned into an actual festival of music, poker runs, and a citywide party. So, rather than being swallowed by depression, I’ve been given a huge project that’s really helping.

 I still haven’t gone to workout, but now Im regretting that I didnt pack my workout clothes. I want to go today and I live too far away to go get any. Im too broke to go buy any. So Ill workout when I get home. I can feel my body stiffening up, so I know I need to. I’ve been doing protein shakes today and had a sandwich for lunch. Im trying to get my calories in that 2200-2500 range because obviously 1600 is too freakishly low. I weighed in this morning at 358, so I didnt keep the weight I put on over the weekend binge. That was good.

So, things arent quite as dark as they seemed at first and I thank MaryAnn’s spirit for rescuing me.

I haven’t posted since Aug 16th. In the greater span of my life, that seems like a moment, I know. But its a lifetime as well. In those few days I have cried, screamed, laughed, agonized, painted, and gone through the emotional roller coaster afforded only, thankfully, a few times in our lives.

All last week my sister and MaryAnn, a great friend I’ve known since she was *thinks* around 10 or so and grew up near us, wanted to go out Friday night. I’ve been dieting and staying away from alcohol so I really didnt want to go. However, I’d failed to show up at their last outing and felt like a heel for wanting to cop out again, so I went. I got verra drunk. You know that drunk you get when you’re about 10 seconds from changing your IQ forever because you’ll never recoop the brain cells? There I was. I was barefoot (kicked off my heels) and playing pool, dancing with strangers, and I’m pretty sure I ate loaded nachos. Since Im a workaholic mother of three, I *never* go out. So since I finally did, it was like reverting to seventeen. We laughed like crazy about ‘this one time, at band camp…’, pothead soccer players, sneaking around, and all that stuff you do as teenagers but dont really remember until you get together with your lame friends and rehash all the drama.

Most of Friday I’d been painting my bedroom, so when we went out I hadn’t quite gotten it all off and one of the things she razzed me about was the paint, everywhere. In my hair. We talked about a guy she liked and I knew and called him, he said he wasnt going out. We called a couple of hours later to tell him how drunk we were and found out he’d gone out after all. MaryAnn wanted to find him so she hugged everybody goodbye and headed over to the bar where he usually went. An hour and a half later… a moment in a life… a drunk driver hit her from behind and she was dead. She’d been going home with the guy she wanted to be with, so I know she was happy. Harley txt’d me to tell me and when I called I thought he was joking, that they were teasing me because of how drunk I’d been. But they werent. And my life just…stopped.

I know food isnt supposed to be a comfort, and I know Im trying to lose weight, but I’m sorry, I wasnt in the mood for protein shakes and kashi. Saturday was also my son’s 2nd birthday. I ate cake and home made ice cream. I ate chicken fettucini. On Sunday I dont remember eating at all, but I must have. Her viewing was that night. My sister and I planned to eat before or after, but we didnt do either. I can’t remember what I ate. On Monday morning we stopped at Bojangles on the way to the funeral and I ate a sausage and egg biscuit with sweet tea (South Carolina in the summer - yes, sweet tea for breakfast). I dont remember eating again until dinner and I had a burger and pringles. Yes, I know, it was all terrible food. I skipped my Monday workout with my trainer. I need to call her and reschedule.

Right now Im just allowing myself to be swallowed in this awful self hating depression. Ive been thinking that while humans hold ourselves up to be superior, the truth is our only difference from other species is our ability to rationalize and justify.

I had oatmeal for breakfast, Im going to continue with the weight loss. My scale said I gained 2 pounds over the weekend, and Im sortof shocked that was all. (oh, yeah, I bought a scale) I’ll keep going. But Im so sad and the depression is so dark and welcome that Im not sure what affect it will have on me. Im going to watch my rationalizations carefully.

I did finish painting my bedroom. It looks like chocolate milk.

This morning I was describing to someone the affects of my PMS on my need to crush someone on the interstate and they said something about ‘roid rage (yeah, like I’ve been working out THAT much) and I laughed and said PMS is far worse than roid rage. But, I guess they could be the same. After all they’re both hormonal imbalances that freak you out. So who knows.

I cheated again at the party last night. Unless strawberries, pineapple, and chocolate chip cookies dipped in chocolate fondue can in any way shape or form be considered diet cuisine. Pretty sure they’re not. But I did just have a few and skipped the alcohol and stuck to diet coke, so I’m mentally ok with it and I’m sticking to decent eating today and I’m just chalking the need for chocolate up to PMS.

I *forgot* to eat breakfast (I forgot my cup at home that I needed to make my protein shake) but I had some of the South Beach nut bars in my desk drawer so I had one of those with some green tea. It takes a special kinda stupid to forget to eat, but yet that’s always been a problem for me. Until, you know, the sun goes down and the werewolf that needs to binge comes to life I think Im going to go with the recommendation that I set an alarm, maybe on my cell phone, until I get into the habit of eating every few hours. And for today my sweet tooth is being satisfied with these South Beach bars or green tea (hot) with splenda! And, since I know I need it for this weird cycle (and, oh yeah, weight loss) tons of water. Im not sure why, but I had forgotten that our office provides a little coffee bar with the green tea bags up there. Which is cool Just need to stay away from the flavored creamers I love so much

So today was one of those ‘we’ll call it a wash’ days. You know. You do good, then cheat, then do good, then… well, when I woke up, I realized I’d left my protein mix here at work, so I had coffee. Got to work and had a protein shake. I love these things, sorry guys. Then got busy working and skipped my darned snack. I just am not in that schedule yet where I know to eat one. So then some friends invited me to lunch to what could be the most anti-weight loss restaurant in Columbia, SC. Vegetable Medley. Ladies and gentleman it is nowhere near as healthy as that sounds. But OMG it is good.

Southern food. Homestyle southern food. And I cheated. I had things I haven’t allowed myself in MONTHS. Sweet tea. You know, 90% sugar in brown water. God it was good. A piece of fried chicken breast, fried squash, white rice fried with okra, stewed tomatos, pinto beans with what looked like ham hock in there. And toasted coconut pie for dessert. It was heaven. Pure and simple.

 Twenty minutes later I was stuck in the bathroom with cramps, but it was worth it. I wont do it again any time soon, but it was so worth it. Im not sure where the heck the cramps came from - maybe the sugar that Im oh so not used to, but eh. So Im being good for the rest of the day and sipping my protein shake. I’m going to a party tonight after work and will probably be very tempted to cheat again but Im gonna do my best to tough it out Social situations are so hard!!

Last night I went to see Tina (my trainer) and weighed in. My weight was actually up a lil bit to 361 (2 pounds) but according to her machine, my body fat was down to 50.2% (from 52%) and my body fat had gone from 186 pounds to 182 pounds and I had 5 pounds of water. So, in short, I’d lost 4 pounds of fat and drank a lot of water that day. Which I had, it’s hotter than 40 blazes of hell here and I’d been warming up before I saw her and of course drinking water. I *like* water.

So, all in all, I guess its a good result. Im taking it as such anyway.

On the workout part - I was able to do some of them more easily now than a couple of weeks ago. It wasn’t easy easy, but I wasn’t screaming and crying at the end of the rows and presses. She said next week she would increase the weight because obviously my endurance and strength were increasing. DAMN. I should have screamed and cried. On the squats though, Im still sucking that terrible dry wind and sweating and turning to buzzing jello - what IS it about working my legs that nearly kills me?? You’d think as big as they are and as much weight as they have to life ANYWAY that this would be a breeze. Uh, no. I look like a road construction worker on the hottest July day when I’m done. Pouring, bright red, breathing like a freight train on it’s last leg. Oh, thats when she says my heart is working out. Its not my heart I feel (ok, I do, its pounding) but my LUNGS - I can literally feel them stretching and expanding over and over until they ache almost as much as my legs. Sweet Lord what have I gotten myself into??

For breakfast I had Raisen Bran Crunch and Bright and Early (I’m allergic to orange juice and this is my replacement). It was my reward for losing 4 pounds of fat. Now back to the protein shakes and tons more water till the salad I look forward to at home tonight. I have a PTO meeting so no gym, but I’ve got free weight exercises and maybe a video to do cardio with. I’ll have to get my kids in on the act

Lots of people are asking the same questions and giving the same advice, so I thought I’d make life a little easier on me and just post the responses here

1 - Go get your thyroid checked - I did, in December. I just wasn’t sure what the numbers meant and then people tell me that I have to have my t3 and t4’s checked for them to be valid. I have no idea if they did that already. I have to find a new doctor, so that will be part of my first physical.

2 - Lift weights! - I already do. My personal trainer (Tina the Terrible) has me doing lat, shoulder, and chest presses on the machines. I use free weights to do squats, sit down stand up things for which I have no real name, windmills, bicep curls, and some ‘ax’ thing. I dont know the real name of that either. Im still learning I do this 3x a week. On the machines Im doing a circuit times 4, 15 reps each. If that makes sense. If not, let me know and I’ll explain.

3 - Add protein! - Im using 100% whey protein by body fortress for my snacks and as a meal replacement for breakfast. If you count the snacks, Im eating 5x each day. This has really helped me to cut down on my need to binge and keeps me full, so Im happy. For lunch it’s usually some sort of salad with lean turkey or chicken and for dinner I try to eat sensibly within whatever my hubby cooks for the kids. The other night I had chili (pinto beans, lean ground turkey, tomatos, and whatever spices). Last night I had pork fried rice and pepper steak. So it varies, but I keep my portions sensible and try to stay within 2000 cals a day.

4 - Do cardio! I am, 30 mins on the treadmill 3 or 4 times weekly. Im getting much better at it

5 - Take measurements! I did when I started. I need to do it again. Ive got to find my tape measure.

6 - Get a support group! That’s why Im here

7 - Dont trust the scale! I don’t own a scale of my own, so Im dependent on the scale my personal trainer uses, which I get to see once a week. It also measures body fat vs water, etc. I was also doing weight watchers on Wednesdays, but due to the variance between those two scales and my own keen sense of disappointment in them, I dont believe I’ll continue with the WW weigh ins. I just want to see major loss, NOW. I’m still 359 pounds and I want results like you see on TV

8 - Do you know your triggers? Yes. Food. I think Im addicted. When my mom, dad, sister etc may be around, its far easier to give in to fast food. Shopping ahead of time and having lots of GOOD stuff around does help, but not always. I dont mean to, but I cheat sometimes. And then I hate myself.

9 - Being bipolar will affect you! I know this. Its vastly freaking annoying, but I know it. I try to plan ahead for it and workout when I can and even when I really really don’t want to, I try to make myself. Doesnt always work.

Ok, there’s probably more But I wanted to make sure I got that info out

As I kindof fumble my way through starting (and stumbling, and restarting) this journey, I come up with the weirdest questions. With nowhere else to turn, I pose them here…

1. My PT insists that I stay under 1600 cals a day, but everyone else I talk to seems to think that’s far too few. At this point, Im confused, she’s supposed to know what she’s talking about and I really respect the workouts she’s giving me. At 359 pounds, 5′11" and female, how do I find out the correct calories to take in and why?

2. If I take in too few cals and it does indeed negatively impact my metabolism, can a metabolism booster like hydroxycut correct that without adding calories?

3. If I do cardio, does that increase my metabolism?

4. If I have a thyroid issue (my mom does, so its possible?) how do I find out and what can I do about it?

 There’s tons more, but I just wanted to put those here for now. Oh, and

5. PMS affects my mood and my eating. UGH. Is there anything to counteract that??

Im done

Well, on Monday I went to Tina the Terrible, who weighed me and said I was down 5.2 lbs. On Wednesday, I went to my weight watchers weigh in and they said the scale hadn’t changed in 2 weeks. How freaking discouraging is that?? How can it not have changed at all?

I *know* I’m losing. My clothes are loser. My mom said my pants looked like someone was moving out. My body *feels* different. How can I not have lost weight??

So, Im thinking I may be kinda dumb to be going to two weekly weight ins, so I may drop Weight watchers. Im contractually obligated to my trainer, so I cant drop that one. I wish I had a scale here at home and I’ve been researching to find the one that will both go up to my weight and that will return the most accurate readings. I think the Taylor Precision analog looks like my best bet - now to find the darned thing. Walmart lists it as ‘in store only’ but its not in the store either.

This is all still such a huge learning process for me. All my life I’ve been thinking that its so simple - eat less calories, exercise more. But now Im learning that if you cut calories too much, you sabotage yourself. If you exercise more and build muscle, you don’t lose as much, but its supposed to be good. If you take this or that supplement, it may help you or screw you up royally. And it doesnt help that this is such a freaking painfully slow process. Why can’t I just say ‘hey, I want to be thin’ and poof - be thin. Yes, I know, wishful thinking.

I went to visit my perpetually camping parents this week and since I missed my regular workout, I walked around the campground with my mom for an hour. It was hotter than 40 blazes of hell, so I got the sauna in at the same time I was sortof proud of myself. My mom has always been the ‘walker’ and I kept up with her. I even showed her how to do some of the exercises my trainer has me doing and she laughed at my sit down/stand up thing.

I also ate complete crap, which belies my desire to make this a quick weight loss. Im not sure Im at the point where I can claim a cheat day, but hey, let’s call it that. Taco bell and big ole french fries. I realized though that taco bell tastes like crap. The sauce is still good though. There’s gotta be a way to horde that stuff to put on my turkey wraps. The french fries were still awesome though. But mainly cause Heinz 57 is da bomb.

Ok, Im being called

Don’t ask me why, but I’ve gotten into these Snickers Marathon bars. I usually have one each day before I go workout. I think it keeps me from getting so exhausted. Compared to a normal candy bar, they taste like dog food, but I like the nuts in there. There’s 28 g of protein. Im also doing the whey protein and tons of water, so believe it or not, my desperate need to binge is under control. I think. All of my adult life, binge eating has been a major problem. (You dont get to 399 lbs without putting some real effort into it, OK??) I’d hear stories about people who would binge and purge, and I was pissed. Cause I’d never figured out how to purge. Oh but the binging.. *happy sigh* That could go on for days. Literally.

So when my doctor advised me to look into the Atkins diet, I thought - oh, I’ll never be able to do that, I MUST have my bread. And people, no lie, for the first 3-4 days of that diet, I thought I would die. Fo real. I had the shakes. I was irritable. I was tired. I was a zombie. But then after that it was like a heaven inspired look into a thin persons life. There was no binging. There was, in fact, no real apetite. I could seriously go all day and forget to eat. It takes a special kinda stupid to forget to eat.

It also takes a special kinda stupid to go back to eating all those carbs after doing so well, but I did. There’s nothing wrong with Atkins, there’s a LOT wrong with me. I was losing weight, but I hadn’t changed who I am. It was a great start, but I hadn’t mentally changed at all. I still binged. But on beef jerky and grilled chicken strips dipped in buffolo sauce and full fat ranch dressing. It was good, but it drove me nuts - still - not to have the bread.

Im rambling, but in remembrance. I am again at the point where I have to remind myself to eat. But its better, because now I dont want the bread. I workout and its amazing to me what Im starting to accomplish. Im not battling against my SELF. Im not having to berate myself for wanting the bread. I’m eating better because I want to. Im exercising because it feels good (ok, not at the TIME, but later). Im not eating beef jerky or ranch dressing either. Im eating grilled chicken, grilled beef, steamed veggies, eating protein bars, bringing my lunch instead of eating out, making time for myself to do what I have to do.

Its hard to explain,  but to me its like Im enjoying the challenge of changing my life, rather than simply going on a diet. And I think that while a diet ends, ending the way I live won’t be so easy.

Ive always wanted to be a good mom, so I didnt join a gym because I hated taking that time away from my kids. I realize now that 2 hours here and there will give them years down the road. I realize that cardio and weight training will let me do things we never could before - like go to theme parks and ride rides or sit in booths